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Well, Thursdays are my bad days apparently. It seems like I hit a slump every Thursday and while I am not 100 percent better today, I am sure it will come with time.

I went home last night and did my damndest to hold it all in, because there was really no good reason why I felt so down. And, I almost managed. I got to the point where the BF asked me if I had a bad day at work and I was just like yeah, but I kept holding it in. So, I went into the bathroom to blow my nose about a hundred times. And my child (who was bathing) tells me that tomorrow (today) is his "funny hat day". Now I had seen this on a note yesterday morning, which doesn't give me a whole lotta time to do anything about it. But I kept thinking about it all day. Thinking ok, well, I could make him a hat. So, he tells me this last night and then tells me that one of us could go and get him one. HUH?

So, I ask him when he thinks we should just go to the store and buy one, and he says tomorrow, I guess he meant before school. Now, this should not make me feel like a bad mother when there is nothing I can do about it, but it does. Like his whole life will be ruined cause he doesn't have a silly hat.

But that was really the last straw. So, rather than losing it in front of my child, I went into my dark room and stuck my face in the pillow and lost it. So, of course, the BF comes looking for me, and asks what is wrong, and I have to explain, that I feel bad for even wanting to go out and spend more time away from the kid, but I want to have a night of no responsibility.

And I know I shouldn't bitch, cause this was what I signed up for, when I decided to have and keep the kid. And I don't know if I can wait until his birthday to have a night away, and how I felt bad about the kid having no "silly hat" to wear like all the other kids. And on and on. He just listened and rubbed my back and dealt with me until it all ran down.

I am such a little kid sometimes. And I am seriously pissed at myself that I should feel this way. I should be happy that I have a job and a kid, and a extremely helpful boyfriend.

I know all this, but somehow it doesn't help. I am still way to close to tears for my own good. Especially for being at work.

But I'll deal, I always do. And we did solve the "silly hat" problem, we found a hat that will work at least.

On a happy note, I planned a lunch date with my favorite co-worker and will hopefully avoid the negativity of the other one. Like I don't have enough on my mind anyways. And the kid realized that Mommy was sad and therefore was very nice to me all night. He even let me pick which game to play before bed. And we had a fairly good morning. So, all in all, it is looking like a better day than yesterday as long as I can keep these thoughts at bay.

Here is a song for ya
Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne
I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again

What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

(Chorus) She wants to go home
but nobody's home
That's where she lies broken inside
No place to go, no place to go
To dry her eyes
broken inside

Open your eyes (open your eyes)
And look outside
Find the reason why (why)
You've been rejected (you've been rejected)
And now you can't find
What you left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many too many problems
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs

(Repeat Chorus)

Her feeling she hides
Her dream she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place (yeah!)

(Repeat Chorus)

She's lost inside, lost inside (oh, oh uhh)
She's lost inside, lost inside (oh, oh uhh) oooh

All right, it is really a song for me. Fitting for today. I DO want to go home.