Random Thoughts

I'm the dumbest bitch ever. I just keep trying with this place and they just keep piling it on. Derek and I can't BOTH be out of work so I've stalled on checking out other positions. Sure guys, I can be ALL of A/P and since we have 3 goddamn people, I can be ALL of Accounting when one calls in sick and the other is in meetings all the time. Really I'm just grumpy because it's the beginning of the term and Ben is waiting for his blood draw and results and today is not a good d ay.  I wanted to call in. I thought about it momentarily, but figured I should show in case B was still out sick... you know, because then we'd have NO ONE in the department in the office. Good call when your accounting team is so fucking small two people can't be out sick or on vacation at the same time. They'll probably be all "we don't know why she lost her shit and quit" when I finally break. Which just makes me want to laugh maniacally.  Yesterday...

Trying to explain a shitty life, shitty parents, teenage hormones on top of it all, to someone who’s always had “normal” (whatever the hell that is) parents. It’s pretty much impossible. As Michael pointed out, they have no point of reference. This thing with Ben’s kid is heartbreaking to me. I remember being 15, thinking no one wanted or cared about me, a mother who was too drunk/wasted on drugs to care. I remember wishing things were different, listening to mom and Mike fight when they were drunk as I tried to be the adult for my sisters and shield them from it, running away when it all became too fucking much for me to handle. The catalyst to my running away wasn’t even Mike in the beginning or at least that wasn’t my main concern. I’d figured out how to deflect him and use his attention for my own purposes. If I wanted something, I’d be nice and if I didn’t need anything, I’d be a fucking bitch to him so he wouldn’t want to be near me. Sadly, I think that’s something I still use to...

So much to say. To the whole two people who read this. Hell, the only two people I allow to read this. Maybe not true. But I just need to write. Moving – I moved. Moving sucked. Dealing with the crazy ex landlord long after we moved SUCKS more. But my new house is kick ass. I loves it. I love my neighbor. It’s been a damn long time since I like anyone I lived next to this much. Plus, I’m close to a lot of things now. The old landlord has charged me way over my deposit. I counter offered. No response. So crazy. Also! I have a new neighbor who is also awesome and while sometimes I may feel a little left out cause her and Jenni are so close the only thing I can do about that is get to know her better. She’s a honey badger. Honey badger’s don’t give a damn. Death – It’s been over a year since Dad died. Last month he would have been 57. I hate that sentence. It screams UNFAIR to me. I miss him even though I didn’t see him much at all. Indeed not at all since just before I turned 13. My mom ...

A song set me off. Of course it did. What's the fucking point? When people die completely randomly like Charles with the leukemia for no fucking reason, or my dad falling and ending up brain dead... WTF? I suppose I should be thankful...but I'm just fucking pessimistic. Now my "mom" at work is in and out of the fucking hospital for some problems with her liver. A woman who is so healthy..and I just don't fucking get it. There doesn't seem to be an answer for her and it's been a month. 2 surgeries and another one a few days ago (and I haven't heard from her since...no need to tell you how fucking freaked out I am) and when I saw her last Tuesday she told me that during the first surgery, they "nicked" something. Had to get her out of surgery fast. It didn't hit me until later that night what she'd meant. She could have died on the motherfucking operating table. A place that was supposed to save her. Yes...I KNOW. Risks are ALWAYS invol...

Yes, I do know that that is not the way to spell High and Low, but my favorite Daddie's song lately is Hi and Lo, so I think that's probably the way they spell it. Oh, here I am again. My favorite angst ridden place. At least I've found some angst that doesn't involve my boyfriend. I feel like I've come full circle from the beginning of this blog. Back when I wrote the blog that was basically advertising for a best friend. And then I found Ariel. Who I'd already known, but who became amazing at succumbing to my every desire doing everything I wanted coming at a moment's notice ...dude I don't know what to write, these all sound like statements that could end with "That's what she said". I'm sure she knows what I mean. I've never quite found anything like her. Jenn, I love you, you rock, you sushi with me, but you're so popular it's hard to plan anything at a moment's notice with you. Not that Ariel wasn't popular...

I've been thinking that my big mouth tends to get me in trouble. I lead with emotions, it's not a good thing. So I've been trying not to run my mouth as much lately. But I can see the collision coming. My brain seems to be in overdrive, and yet I'm not speaking of my problems. Some are too personal, some I know better than to talk about on the internet. It's never a good thing when my brain is in overdrive. I'm sure it doesn't help that this is my "other" allergy season. I can't tell you what I'm allergic too, the doctors don't know. I don't want to take the Sudafed that was the last resort. I may as well be asleep if I take that crap. So I wake up feeling like I'm coming down with something, and have felt this way for weeks now. My headache has been a steady, low pressure for this past week. Tylenol helps, but after it wears off, it comes right back. This is probably affecting my mood. Yesterday the bus seemed to be going pr...

My attitude is not much better, as you can see. I'm torn between being hateful and wanting to cry. So far, both days this week I've talked myself into coming in. I've not felt like it, especially after being screwed royally by my boss yesterday, but I'm here. I make myself come in; only to find that 3 people have called in sick. I don't want to do anything today. I'm so goddamn angry, I don't want to work on the damnable schedule that helps my anger, I don't want to even look at my boss, let alone point out certain truths to her, like how a certain someone calls in sick when she has late shifts. If only I'd thought of that, cause boy it sure seems to be working for her. I'm just vile today. Don't mind me. Once I get past Wednesday, I should be fine. Another thing that would have screwed me? That I would have done to myself? I could have not been able to get home on that Sunday that I volunteered to work for (originally for O/T, although NOW...

Posted to MySpace on May 10th, 2008 ---------------------------------------------- I'm trying to distract myself from going to Starbucks and buying desert in a cup. Most of me is just like...well, spoil yourself! But I know where that road goes. I get out of line with the spoiling. This has been a weird almost Mother's Day for me. I'm torn...I'm wondering if I'm selfish for wanting to treat myself. My whole life all I've really wanted is to make sure I'm not a hypocrite, as I always thought of my mom as one. She's not just a hypocrite though, she's a martyr, drama queen, guilt tripper and completely selfish all rolled into one person. I know I should just let shit go, but I can't. I was talking with my sister about some things regarding our mom and I'm more incensed than ever. WTF? Like how she told us she had cancer way back...like 17 years ago. Wouldn't she be dead by now? Why give us bad medical information because she was too afraid t...

Don't answer that. I've just been really down all day. The IRS acknowledges me again, Derek behaved for the two whole days he had school this week, I'll have money Friday if all goes well. So, no having to pay rent late. I'm getting everything I wanted, so why do I feel so crappy today? Was it that my stomach started rumbling the moment I got up? Was it the my ass exploded shortly after that? Maybe, but I should be used to that by now, I've never had a real solid stomach. Was it that I painstakingly picked out two pairs of socks from the wash this morning, and dropped them along with my bra for the day in the dryer, and when I took them out the bra was not dry? Or was it that ten seconds later I lost one of the socks. I looked up or down, and no sock ANYWHERE. Was it that Tara still wasn't at work today, and I am worried about her? Was it that my leg has been rubbed (I won't saw rubbed raw, it's not as bad as that, but it's rubbed sore, if that makes...

I only wish that I had wrote elfing day. That's what it almost looks like. That would make me smile. Instead, I am just ANGRY. Like usual, it's all about money. So, I got a letter stating that we'd need to do an arbitration, and that it would need to be paid for within 14 days. I thought they meant 14 days of that letter. I went in to try and get a deferral (cause who has an extra 300 lying around?) on December 12th, cause I thought I needed to, and I expressed my need to have it quickly processed. She said no problem, but if I was worried, I should call back on Friday, maybe Monday morning. I did not call, cause that's when I went to see that lawyer, that's when I started trying to get this together, that's when I started trying to get the lawyers to work with me. For the record? Not ALL lawyers suck, but this company sure does. I have as of yet, still received NO PROOF and they said they would bring that up in the arbitration meeting. So I was happy to go. I c...

My sisters aren't coming. I've gone from petulant (I hope they NEVER visit) to depressed to sad, to keeping a stiff upper lip to not even caring and all the way back to petulant. I'm not even sure they would have mentioned it if I hadn't asked about the weather up there and if it was gonna impede the trip. I actually kind of believe they would have waited as long as they could until telling me. Like I would get all hysterical on them or something. Right, like I LET my family know how I feel. I'm raw. I wanted to see them, and now there are so many excuses. What it comes down to, is that with my family, I can't ever believe. I had hoped my sister was trustworthy, but after all the planning and my switching crap around for my vacation days, it turns out she isn't. I'm sad. And sure that I'll never see my family again. I could visit them, except I don't have a car, and I sure as hell don't have money for a plane trip. Especially not for Derek a...