Random Thoughts

Today sucks. My stomach has been queasy since this morning, having that extra coffee didn't help, but I was dog tired. I'm trying to change my attitude before I take it into Friday with me. I dunno if I'll succeed. I spent last night being totally pissed off and questioning my life choices. It's not the best place to be in. That much I can tell you. Is all that vague enough? Good, I like it that way. Let's just say I was soul searching. And didn't really come up with any sort of answers. Obviously, I was not very successful. I rarely am. I was so mad and didn't want to name names so I just pulled out my notebook-diary thing that I used to write in. Back before I had a blog. It's been since 2004 since I wrote in it last. And oddly enough I found that I was still trying to find some of that answers back then. Isn't 5 years long enough to come to a conclusion? Or maybe I just get hot headed and have to write to blow off steam? I also found that all thos...

OK, I hate the answering services that tell you that you are important, but all the lines are full. This one doesn't even have music, just an impersonal voice coming on the line occasionally to say that my call is important. Not important enough to answer the call! Alright, enough ranting. Anywho, wish I could get out of the house and do something. Seems like I only care when the kid is with me and I can't go anywhere easily. I'm reading this book...something about getting anyone to do anything you want, and never feeling powerless again. Now, it actually makes sense. Some of it seems manipulative, but it all makes sense on some level. Not that I am going to do it. But, one of the main points of the book is that "people want what they can't have". Why is this? Can any of us ever be content. I thought we were not supposed to covet. Not that I follow the bible, but still, it seems wrong to me that we can never be happy. On one hand, it might make us strive for b...

Now, my last post was rather insightful and all that. I must blame it on the New Year. Actually, I think, every so often I realize that I need to shut the hell up and deal with it. I could have it a lot worse. I love the epiphanies. It used to take a graveyard to do that to me. Apparently, I can have them all by myself now. I love graveyards. I am not morbid, but they are quiet and peaceful and really put things into perspective. I mean, I could be dead. Then my ex would have to raise my kid. I shudder at the thought. Since I am not dead, my life is going well. Which makes no sense. But it is Friday, so I don't have to make sense. On the other hand (ahh! Two sides to every idea in my head), sometimes the graveyard makes me sad. Like when I see a little babies grave. I used to beat myself up about it. I'd think something about why am I alive when these defenseless little babies never had a chance. And when I would think that, I would think, I am not that important, so why am I h...