Random Thoughts

Love it, love it, love it. Can you tell I am impressed with this CD. I think it freaking rocks. I love Gwen though. I have this poster of No Doubt where she is just looking out (seemingly, like she is looking at you) and I love it. Haven't hung it up at the new place. (sure, it's still new 1 year and 1/2 later.) I really should. Looks like you guys get a short post now. Appreciate it? ;p

All right, I was feeling much better today before I made the mistake of leaving the safety of the deposit room. So, all I really wanted was to find some speakers so that I could have my co-worker friend listen to a song on Launch.com. So, I go upstairs to find some speakers I saw. Well, they won't work, so it was all for nothing. I go up there and someone said someone said something snide about getting her paperwork printed out before we listen to music. Can people not do two things at once? So, I walk out the door and tell her that I will tell my friend. So, I go tell her and she is like, she can not talk about me behind my back. So, she told her that she didn't appreciate it. End story, right? WRONG. So, just now (a couple hours later) I go back upstairs to get something else, and someone I needed to talk to wasn't there and had moved something, so I was like....well, crap. Ok, prolly not a cuss word or anything. But then the girl upstairs was like....see, it's not l...

Couldn't think of a song phrase or title off hand to fit this. I hope you all will be glad to know that I am better today. I went home and ranted for about 20-30 minutes at my boyfriend just so I could get it off my chest. He is so fucking wonderful.....he just listened and dealt with it. It's beautiful. I made sure to end it all with....but it is better now, because I am home and you don't annoy me. Yay! I also got my chance to just bawl a little after he left so that I could get it out. I still feel a little too close to tears to feel comfortable, but some of it is out. Of course, I am paying for it today. I came in to help another co-worker (the one who takes me shopping and is usually in a fairly good mood) and stay the hell off of everyone's radar and she listened to me too. I feel bad laying it all on her, but she knows these people and tends to agree with me. Even if it is just to appease me, it is nice to get someone else's input. Of course, then someone gav...

So, I am getting so close to smacking a co-worker....ok, not literally, but she will prolly feel like she has been smacked when I have to cut her off. She tells me all the time that So and so USED to hang out with her. I can see why it is USED to. She really never has much of anything good to say about anything. Sometimes she is in a good mood, but then she starts bitching about something else. The lastest thing today was when one of our IT guys had to leave...because he was supposed to leave a half hour before that. His wife is pregnant and I think she was at an appointment. Well, he was late, and I overheard part of a conversation that didn't sound good. So, he has to rush out. Then all I hear is "I can't believe he did that." "We are never supposed to do that." "Why does she expect so much from him?" "If he gets fired, he won't be able to support her." and so on and so on. She mainly only cares because this girl used to work in our...

My little sister is 18 years old. I know, not very little anymore. She is very pregnant. She is due in about a month and a half. I had hoped that by seeing what I went through at 17, she would not get pregnant so early. However, no luck. Part of me is like....Give me your baby and I will raise it. Even doing it myself, now I think, damn, 18 is so young. I feel for her really. But I am also immensely proud of her. Cause you see, she did something I should have done years ago. She kicked her own father out of the house. Something neither my mother nor me could seem to do. He is a fucking bastard. I hate him with a purple and pink passion. My mom said that she (my mom) had kicked him out when he said he was in love with another woman. But that he would stay with her, if she let him stay with this woman for half the week. WTF? Who would ever agree to that? I have a sneaking suspicion my mom woulda, if it had come to that. Instead, they went out drinking.....this was bad because they are BO...

I have two parts to this thought. I might break them up, I might not. I guess we'll see. Now you have something to look forward too, or maybe not. Whatever floats your boat. Folding the laundry the other day (yes, it is a mundane chore, but someone has to do it, and it is always me) and I noticed that my boy's pants are getting considerably longer. He really is growing up. It is kind of scary what a little kid he is getting to be. Then this morning, I walked him to school and dropped him off at the front door to go to breakfast. He starts walking away and I was just struck by how tall he is and how his little backpack bounces and he......he is just really growing so fast. I know this is what happens, but I always think of him as my baby and it is strange for me to look at him objectively and just be like.....Wow, pretty soon he won't need me for anything. Then he came running back so we could do our thumb war thing. This is what I came up with to say goodbye in the morning ...

Well, I thought of about a million different things I could post today while I was on the bus, but I think I need to get my thoughts completely clear on all of them. Instead, I am just going to bitch about how my head hurts and I don't want to be here. Also about how my co-worker seems determined to go over and over this bus strike thing with me. She is fairly convinced it ain't really gonna happen, but no one thought it would get this far either. So, I just spent my whole break (20 minutes) trying to explain that all I see is that the drivers are being kind of unfair. She argued the whole time about how it was LTD's fault and she knows this because her boyfriend knows a bus driver. So forget about the whole thing looking different depending on whose point of view you get. Why the FUCK does she even care. She doesn't ride the bus. It just gets to be a little much, she always has something to complain about. When I tried to express LTD's side she listened, but it bas...

I am going to be the queen of obvious, but it seems like my hits have been racing since I hit the 100 mark. Again, prolly something to do with my crazy ass posting 3 or 4 posts a day. Oh well, gotta get around the boredom somehow. In all honesty, when I started reading that Girl's blog, I was like wow, this is cool. I could do this, and then I was like.....oh yeah, the trials and tribulations of the accountant. I'm sure everyone would want to read that. Now imagine I said this in my most sarcastic tone ever. But you people surprise me. You are actually amused by my musings and ravings. So, thanks for making me feel damn good about myself and making me want to come to work everyday, if for nothing else that just to blog. It really is a beautiful thing. I've been on almost a high since realizing that people want to read this and I am not forcing it on them, like I feel I could be doing in real life. This will be my last post today. I am looking forward to coming in and seeing...

So, I was sitting here before lunch minding my own business, when I hear someone at the Customer Service asking about the elevator. We have one elevator. Not very PC of us and all that, but it is usually fine. Unless someone is using it for unloading, which was the case. So, no one else hops up to help this guy and I end up deciding....oh, I can get the elevator. I will just use the intercom. I walk him over there and I call through the intercom and they don't say anything. So, I try again. Again, no response. So, I hit the button and it starts moving. I figure I will help the guy on the elevator cause I pushed up and he needed down. (Just another case of my trying to be someone else's mother) So, I ride the elevator down and he still looks kind of lost, which I understand because our elevator lets you out in our restocking area and it looks nothing like our Art department. So, I walk him around to the Art dept, and he still looks lost. Did I mention this guy has a speech imped...

I've been listening to Bikini Kill. Angry girl punk music. Not that I am terribly angry. It just felt like it was time to listen to them again. My favorite songs are Carnival, which has one of the best lines of a song ever. "This is a song about 16 year old girls giving carnies head, for free rides and hits of pot. I wanna go, I wanna go" Then there is Rebel Girl, which brings to mind some damn happy times. A friend introduced me to this music. A wonderful, beautiful friend who I don't hang out with anymore. She freaking rocked. Her name was Joi. "Joi with an I", as she would always say. "Rebel girl, you are the queen of my world. Rebel girl, rebel girl....I think I want to take you home, I want to try on your clothes, ooooo" She let me stay with her when I was a homeless 15 year old who knew nothing. She was 4 years older than me and always excited and in a good mood. I really miss her. She got married and I think she quit calling me...

I was e-mailing someone who is really cool......you know who you are ;) and it reminded me of going to my ex's wedding. If you know the rant, stop reading.....I don't want to bore you. I just want to go into more detail and see what people think. I like to know that I didn't overreact. It is going to be a large post though. My ex wanted our son to be in the wedding, which I understand. So, I agreed to go with, although I WIGGED out about it forever. (Bad visions of standing up and cussing or telling inappropriate stories) The weekend finally arrives and I spend all day Saturday waiting for him. I HATE waiting for people. I had stuff I could have done, but waited at my house like a dumbass instead. I got my shit together, get yours together too. So, he finally shows up at about 6.....when I have to feed the kid. My best friend was waiting with me and she had to wait for the bus anyway, so I made them wait. Which they thought was dumb. So, when they get there, they are a bunc...

Just a quick one. If anyone likes a good beat and kinda pop music, I got a great one. It is beautiful. I think the remix is better. So, it is.................... Uh-Oh (never leave you) - Lumidee "I never thought you'd be the one, make me shine brighter than the sun. There ain't no ups and downs, no in and outs. You're here right now." In truth, this really fits. I never thought my boyfriend would step up to the plate and deal with my crap this long. In all honesty, I usually have a fairly even keel to my emotions. I just have my little neuroses. Plus, I really thought he liked me more than I liked him. Isn't that awful? We really have very little drama. He so isn't a drama queen like my ex.

Yay, I am victorious. I have new pants. $24 later, I have 2 pairs of new pants. They are a little dressier than I would like, but until I can pay Lane Bryant ridiculous amounts of money for fat girl jeans, they will do. Was listening to my music on the bus. I threw in one of my many burned CDs. This one has all sorts of music. It ranges from Country to Bjork remixes. I believe it was one of my first made CDs. After awhile I tried to put same genre songs together at least. So, I have a Savage Garden song on the CD. I think it is called "to the moon and back". It really has some poignant lyrics. "Momma never loved her much and Daddy never keeps in touch. That's why she shies away from human affection. But somewhere in a private place, she packs her bags for outer space. And now she is waiting for the right kind of pilot to come. And she'll say to him...Love will fly you to the moon and back, if you'll be, if you'll be my baby. I got a ticket for...

So, last night my son wanted to watch Scooby Doo (from like the 80's....have to love OnDemand from Comcast) and I was like.....I don't know, isn't that scary for before bedtime. "Well, (my boyfriend) said I could." I hear from the other room, "Do you think Scooby Doo is scary?" "No, but maybe to a kid." I let it go though because sometimes it is easier to agree than try and make him see my point of view. (talking about the boyfriend here) We are both far too pig-headed about things. So, last night my son crawls into bed with me. Rolls around a bunch and kicks me. I deal though, because it won't be long until he won't even do that. Already I don't get kisses on the mouth. This morning he was all sprawled with his mouth open....it was so cute. He looks so innocent and like and angel when he is sleeping. Sometimes even the way he stretches reminds me of when he was a baby and he always looked innocent. So, I took a picture. Too adorabl...

Apparently, there has been some research done and they realized that yesterday is the MOST depressing day of the year. I guess I can see that. Exactly a month after Christmas, people are still paying the bills. And of course then there is the letdown from all the partying. So, I might not have all these excuses, but at least I know I wasn't the only one who was depressed and snarky for no reason. As for today, this might be my most pissed off day. We are short on people, and then people from other departments keep coming in and standing right behind me. I have been trying to type this out for like an hour. Good lord.

Since no one is checking my little blog, I am going to put a bunch on here. I was busy earlier. You must forgive me for not putting anything new since Friday. I did have access yesterday but what with keeping this so damn secretive, I couldn't post in front of the boyfriend. You can read my dilemma by going down to my first post of the day. Sunday Got up earlier than normal to put a roast into the slow cooker. It was all so complicated. With the both of us getting up earlier, it did result in some fun times. I was all set to go and get my damn taxes done so I can wait for the money to roll in, when I realized I don't have the forms to do a paper copy (which shouldn't matter, but I like to know what it should be, before the computer takes them and runs with it). Another example of my need for control. I like to see each question and fill everything out and look at the schedules and blah, blah, blah. So, after that I realize that I don't have my 1098 forms that I need so ...

Well, my weekend sure as hell wasn't boring. I might just put Saturday here and add on later. Who knows, I feel unpredictable today. Saturday Shopping - Of the grocery variety. I love the deals, but hate the craziness of Winco. I will not go back if I forget something on my list. It is like a warzone. Seriously, I am like...."we left the kid in produce?, that's fine, he will find his way home". Ok, not seriously, I would never leave my child there. But I might leave a meal there, rather than go back. What is the matter with people? It must be a result of how long it takes me to shop without a car, but I know exactly what I am going for, where it should be....shit I can almost envision the whole store. So, why do people stop and stare in the aisles? Do you know what you came for? I guess not. Maybe I am too organized. I shudder at the thought. I weave in and out of the aisles. Lately a friend has been taking me, so if she doesn't need something in the aisle, I leav...

So, I have an interesting dilemma. First of all, I am fairly grouchy today. So, sorry if it comes through. It has to do with spending my whole weekend running in circles. I am tired, and staying up last night didn't help. But, it gives me time to be with the boy. So, I've come to realize that while I love sleep, sometimes I gotta give some up to be able to do fun things. Unfortunately, it makes me grouchy the next day. Is this my dilemma? NO....it is something much bigger than that. I started this blog as a way to get all my thoughts out without censure. But after posting so much and seeing that people read, part of me really wants to share this with my boyfriend and friends. I don't know that I could continue to not censure myself though. Sometimes, I just want to bitch about people and get it out without becoming crazy about it. But, if this is going to be a part of my life, shouldn't I be able to share it with my boyfriend at least. It kind of feels like I am doing s...

So, I had to leave you all with something before I left for the weekend, but I might post Sunday. I have spent the last hour listening to my own personal SKA mix. Loving it, it freaking rocks. So, on it is Save Ferris. One of the songs is called "Turn it up". I love it. The chorus goes like this..... "I turn it up, when I hear that song. I turn it up, and I sing along. Got to hear that song again DJ." And repeat. It is so freaking appropriate for when I am waiting for the damn DJ to play my favorite new song that I don't have on CD. It also has "Mistaken", which is another Save Ferris one and wonderful. The best part of that is .... "As I blame myself again, wondering what I did. You tell me that you still might care for me. Say you're just confused, but that's really no excuse. You don't get sympathy, cause I don't need this mindtrip. I must be myself, must free myself from you. And all you put me through....

Woohoo! It's Friday! And my payday....*dances all around* Ok, not really. I don't dance. I am lying, again. I dance at the Cherry Poppin' Daddies concerts. I dance like crazy. I get sweaty and full of adrenaline. I also sing at these concerts. I love them. Steve Perry is a god, and when he humps the microphone, I scream like a high-pitched girl. I am not even really high pitched. Only when I really scream. So.....not really much to say (hey, just did you just fall over in suprise?), of course I can prolly drone on about nothing anyway. So, I realized that I am posting about 4 times daily, and consequently (duh) I am getting more hits. Woohoo! 6000 here I come. Went out to lunch, on what I like to think of as my campus, and went down to Dairy Queen. I go in and breathe a sigh of relief because creepy, ex-boyfriend wannabe vampire isn't there. I am mentioning this to my co-worker, when he walks in. With his new girlfriend. She looks alot closer to his age than the girls h...

So, had another strange dream last night. Not strange, disturbing, just no hold in reality strange. So, I dreamed I was walking home from work with some co-workers. We weren't actually on the right side of campus to be walking from work, but I know the area. So, we are walking and then someone calls my name. I turn to tell my co-workers that they I am going to talk to this person, and they are gone. I go across the street, to these apartments....which aren't really there, but whatever..... and I see this girl I used to hang out with....can you believe her name is Bambi? So, she was showing me her baby, and then all of the sudden, my dream was over. Very strange indeed. I loved hanging out with this girl, her attitude was kind of screw you if you don't like me. I try and be that way now. Why should I care if someone is being stupid and doesn't like me? I have a wonderful picture, of me and her, wearing FAR too much makeup and watching a friend's baby. We took the lit...

With the new season starting, I have to say that my American Idol is That Girl. She has almost 6000 hits. Talk about being freaking cool! You rock. But seriously, some of those people are so bad. Why do their families lie to them and tell them they are good? I can see not wanting to hurt people's feelings, but when they say I am going to American Idol, someone should pull them aside and go.....Look, you really aren't that good. I know the judges don't try to make fun of them, but sometimes (especially the really clueless ones) they have to be mean. Gotta go, write more later. You thought you were getting rid of me, huh?

Ok, prolly not a song title. So, here is a very good reason why I hate riding the bus. I caught the bus last night (this is usually a fairly busy route, and unfortunately, a route with some weird people) and some guy sitting across from me stared at me the whole time. Now, I can deal with people staring at me because they want to talk to me, or something. OK, you caught me, I am lying. I DO NOT like it when people stare at me. It is one thing for people to look at you when they are talking to you, and even then I tend to glance off. Not because I am not paying attention, but apparently, I am bad with all that connection stuff. So, he is staring at me, and when I have the chance to glance over casually to make sure I am not just being stupid, I can see that he is staring at me with this look of incredulousness and a kind of horror. Like how could I even presume to sit across from him and get in the way of his staring out the window or something. It was a look like "how did you even...

Hey, I even made this song lyric work. I'm feeling in a kind of NIN mood. Mostly because I am screwed. Completly screwed. And not in a fun way, I wish. I am screwed due to the fact that the union of bus drivers has decided that they are going to strike in 10 days. Time to find "alternate transportation" that I don't have. My brain keeps thinking about this, hopefully trying to find a solution, but I can't seem to. I've done a pretty good job holding it together, even though it could mean not coming to work. Well, until someone asked if it was going to effect me and I tried to explain (oh my god, I spelled this esplain to begin with, I feel like Ricky Ricardo...Now, Lucy). For Christ's sake, I don't even have a license. I have a permit. If I could afford a car, there wouldn't be parking by the time I got to work. If I could change my schedule and come in earlier, I couldn't take my kid to school. If my boyfriend couldn't get to my house to w...

My hits really stop rising after 6 or so. Gee, there is a surprise. It prolly all ties in with people reading at work. Wish I got off at 6. Oh well, sour grapes and all. Don't have terribly much to say (hey, don't look so surprised ;p), I just felt like I deserved to post after being so damn productive since lunch. I can actually see my desk. My stack has gone down considerably. It really is the never ending stack. Damn stack. No kitty, that's a bad kitty. Sorry, I started channeling Cartman. See what boredom does to me? I hope my hits have surpassed 200 by the time I get here tomorrow. They are so close. Come on, only 4 more to go. I mean, Come on. Like come on actually works, right?

So, there is talk of a Strike here. It is kind of freaking me out. I depend on the bus. They haven't given any important information on it for awhile. Apparently, they are going to sit down today and talk it all out again. If they decide to strike, they have to give 10 days notice so that all bus riders can find "alternate transportation". Ok, so some people ride the bus to avoid parking hassles and to keep the air clean. Others have no alternate transportation, so they ride the bus. DUH! I fit into this catagory. Some people make fun of it and say, oh sure, you could walk to work. Sure I could, I could leave my house at 4 in the morning and walk to work to get here by 10. OK, so I might be exaggerating. It might not take that long. I can't drop my kid off at school at 8 and then get to work by 10. Even if I could, my boyfriend couldn't get to my house to watch my kid, so how could I go to work? I can shop without the bus, but I can't go to work without the bu...

I am a big, dumb, dork sometimes. My boyfriend was prolly not really annoyed with me yesterday. I went home and we had a great night. He even stayed the night, so either he realized that he sounded annoyed, or he never was annoyed. I should know better, it takes a lot to annoy him. He was prolly just busy. Now how do I get the e-mail back apologizing for calling so much before he reads it? I can't, without being a super spy. Hope he doesn't think I am a big dork. It's ok if I think it, but I don't want anyone else to think it. God forbid.

So, my best friend called me last night, just to check up on me. YAY! She rocks. I am visiting her this weekend, but I have an ulterior motive. She is going to let me do my taxes on-line. WOOHOO!. So, then my guy friend calls (who you should all be familiar with by now) and it was his birthday yesterday. We called and told him Happy Birthday through a message because he wasn't there. So, he calls and thanks us. Then he says something about coming over next weekend. I was putting the kid to bed, so I had to pass the phone to the boyfriend at this point. I start thinking..."Wow, maybe my ranting worked, he actually wants to come over". Usually I call him and tell him he is coming over (cuz I am bossy), but this time, he made the first move. After my boyfriend got off the phone, he asks me how much our friend told me. I tell him and he tells me that said friend got a gambling set for his birthday and he wants to bring it over and "make it interesting". I am guessin...

Ok, so it's been freakin' hot all day. Our heating system will not work correctly when the temperature shoots up to 66 degrees after being 30 - 40 degrees. Usually I am freezing in here all day, but today the heating system has been up around 80 degrees or more all day. It's like a freakin' sauna, but instead of making me feel good, I just want to sleep. Damn, it is hot. My ice water is now warm water. I have a bad feeling it will be like this all week. Or else, the temperature will lower and we will all be freezing our asses off. Just another example of how I am never happy. If I nap under the desk, do you think they won't see me? Nah, if I do that, I will be stuck in here all night. I bet I couldn't explain that to the boyfriend if I tried. Anyone up for ice cream?

So, I called this friend a couple weeks ago, when my stomach was bothering me and I got all worried over nothing. I called her and left a message asking her to call me. I wanted to know if she would drive me to the store, so I could pick up a test. I also said that she should call me back even if she couldn't, just so we could talk. So, she never called me back. Then, she calls me yesterday and says, "oh, i just wanted to tell you that we moved". And she gives me the new address and tells me I should come and visit her. HUH? She never calls me back, doesn't say anything when she does, and expects me to come to her new house. I know she is busy, but what the hell? I guess part of me would like to think that maybe she never got my message. I was so happy to hear from her at all, that I didn't push it. Especially since the boyfriend was there, and I didn't really tell him how worried I was about the whole stomache problem. Lord knows, cell phones aren't terr...

Man, I am such a crab. Hard on the outside and soft and tender on the inside. I just called my house to check up on my boys, but didn't have much to share. So, my boyfriend kind of sounded annoyed. He prolly wasn't, but it made me sad. I like to call home and get a friendly voice (as opposed to the pissed off people who want their bills paid), and touch base. He should be happy I like to hear his voice. When I don't call at all during the day, he kind of looks at me funny or thinks I am annoyed. Which, I guess I can understand, seeing as how I call him all the time. It just kind of hurts my feelings. But, I'll pretend that it doesn't. Course, I did send off a quick email to let him know I am sorry. He prolly wasn't annoyed and I am reading too much into it. I like to think I can tell his moods, but he was unusually quiet last night and he said he wasn't in a bad mood. Maybe he is getting sick of dealing with my crap. As you all can read, I am one big mess. I...

So, I love how I made such a big deal about getting 100 hits and I am almost up to 200 hits and while I am paying attention, I am not going to make such a big hoopla over it. Maybe not talking about it will bring me more hits. OOPS, too late. Have I jinxed myself?

OK, I hate the answering services that tell you that you are important, but all the lines are full. This one doesn't even have music, just an impersonal voice coming on the line occasionally to say that my call is important. Not important enough to answer the call! Alright, enough ranting. Anywho, wish I could get out of the house and do something. Seems like I only care when the kid is with me and I can't go anywhere easily. I'm reading this book...something about getting anyone to do anything you want, and never feeling powerless again. Now, it actually makes sense. Some of it seems manipulative, but it all makes sense on some level. Not that I am going to do it. But, one of the main points of the book is that "people want what they can't have". Why is this? Can any of us ever be content. I thought we were not supposed to covet. Not that I follow the bible, but still, it seems wrong to me that we can never be happy. On one hand, it might make us strive for b...

So, I have been to all the blogs I go and read and all the websites I look at. I keep obsessively looking at my blog here to see if I have any comments so I can answer. I keep checking my counter to see if people are even reading today and I've come to the conclusion that.....everyone who reads my blog does it during the week (when they are at work, like me?). Craziness, at least I am not the only person without a home computer available to me. Which kind of sucks cause I got my w-2's but can't file online without the damn computer. Foulness! I just had to spend 32 bucks on some damn sweats because they are all that will fit my ass and the ass in my pants has worn out. I knew I kept feeling a draft. I am pretty offended by all this, but I couldn't very well wear the pants on the bus ride home. Why can't I get a ride from anyone when I NEED it? Oh well, such is life. Hope you all had an interesting weekend. At least it happened on a weekend when I can get away with w...

Hey, I am just going to put the chorus to this one. It is my favorite. Ok, I lied, I am putting the whole song. Man it freaking rocks! You're no less than perfect But you're more than real You're untouchable How does it make you feel And I'm waiting in line to be near you And I can't believe my eyes The kisses are all blown to you every time But I'd rather leave you Than see through the fantasy And I'd rather stay shy and get high On what could be I don't wanna know what you do, where you go I don't wanna know, who you really are A glistening smile A twinkle in your eye Well I can smile like that Just give me a try And I've traveled around just to hear you And your songs don't leave my mind So tell me what should I do To get you to say hi But I'd rather leave you Than see through the fantasy And I'd rather stay shy and get high On what could be I don't wanna know what you...

Every day is a struggle Between what I want to say and what I should keep to myself And the words that manage to leave my lips Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else So I find myself in need of a part I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because Of this desire to be what others want me to be Which is nothing close to me But I'll see better when the smoke clears When the smoke clears inside my head And I can listen when the screaming Doesn't repeat everything I've said And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day And this happens every day yeah Every day is a battle Between what I want to know and what I don't want to figure out And everything in between In these thoughts of mine that you know I can't live without So I find myself in need of a part I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because Of this desire to be what others want me to be Which is nothing close to me But I'll see better when the smoke clears When the sm...

I had to share this, because I am so damn proud of myself. I was trying to get my child up the other day and we are both not very good morning people. He was taking forever to wake up and he finally wakes up and scowls at me. I call this "the look" and I know the look, because that is my look. Most mornings I would prolly give him "the look" back and tell him to get up and find some clothes. But, somehow, instead of going my normal route, I looked at him and said, "What is wrong with your face?" in mock horror. He started laughing and hardly kept a straight face all morning. Hurray for me! I hadn't even had coffee yet. WOOHOO!

I have to say that I love Toby Lightman. The above referenced CD is one of the best CDs I have ever owned. She has a wonderful, mellow voice. I'm going to sample some of this and hope you all are as impressed. "I think it's time for a change, cause I'm tired of these games. I'm gonna leave 'em inside, cause I'm alright on the outside. And I'm tired of this rain, and I'm tired of the shame. I'm gonna leave it inside, cause I'm alright on the outside." "Why this now, Cause I used to have angels, that used to watch over me. When love was not a stranger, but love ain't what it used to be. And I don't want these devils, they're knocking at my door. So, I can't love you no more." "You might have thought I'd be a little bit lazy, I might not notice, I might not care. But now you're finding out, I'm a little bit crazy, and you were the one so unprepared" "Everyt...

Now, my last post was rather insightful and all that. I must blame it on the New Year. Actually, I think, every so often I realize that I need to shut the hell up and deal with it. I could have it a lot worse. I love the epiphanies. It used to take a graveyard to do that to me. Apparently, I can have them all by myself now. I love graveyards. I am not morbid, but they are quiet and peaceful and really put things into perspective. I mean, I could be dead. Then my ex would have to raise my kid. I shudder at the thought. Since I am not dead, my life is going well. Which makes no sense. But it is Friday, so I don't have to make sense. On the other hand (ahh! Two sides to every idea in my head), sometimes the graveyard makes me sad. Like when I see a little babies grave. I used to beat myself up about it. I'd think something about why am I alive when these defenseless little babies never had a chance. And when I would think that, I would think, I am not that important, so why am I h...

So, it has come to my attention that I seem to be dwelling on the past alot lately and certain things bring to mind other things and sometimes, I can still kind of feel hurt by these things. So, this morning on my bus ride to work, I was listening to Christina Aguilera (because I suck) and the song "Fighter" came on. Now, this song rings so true with me most of the time. Particularly when I appear to be reliving the past so much these days. So, while I may bitch and moan about these things that happen to me (especially about boys), I can't really say that they haven't made me a better person. Smarter, and Stronger, and more capable. Even the things that I don't go into detail about, have made me a better person. Sure, I might be emotionally fucked up sometimes, but for the most part, I really have to say that I kind of have it together. Alot of that has to do with my son, and knowing I have to provide a better life for him than I got. I hope I am doing a good job ...

So, when my guy friend showed up at my house on Saturday, he was telling me that he saw an ex-thing of mine and he asked for my phone number. I hate this guy, but I told him to give it to him anyways, because I would like to see if he even calls. He is so far out of the loop that when my friend was telling him that he was coming to my house, he was like...."who?" and then when my friend clued him in, he was like...."oh, her and him". Wow this no name thing is hard. Anyways, he was refering to my ex (the father of my child), who I haven't been with in about 5 years. Apparently, this is how people know me. Which kind of pisses me off. Why do I have to be "me and someone else"? Can people not remember me otherwise? Jeez. I am a nosy fat girl with a sarcastic sense humor, how can it be so easy to forget me? Now this wouldn't be so bad, except I used to make out with this guy in his truck. He told me he had a crush on me, and I fell for it. I hardly kne...

OK, OK, I am sorry to all the Britney haters, but this song title fit, so screw it. Don't read it if you don't like it. So, my friend (who you might have read about some posts down) came to my impromptu party and told me that he was just joking around about only coming over if there are girls and that he can't believe I would think that about him. He apologized a bunch, but then ended each apology with......"I can't believe you would think that about me". What kind of an apology is that? That is bullcrap. So, he came over and we were all having massive amounts of fun, and the night finally starts winding down at about 3 in the morning or so. This is fairly late for me and I was pretty excited that I managed to stay up. So, one of my girlfriends was already falling asleep and my boyfriend, my other girlfriend, my guy friend, and myself were still up. We were kind of watching this show that I like and they made a reference to Yoko Ono, and being as drunk as I wa...

Shameless Maroon 5 plug. The video for Sunday Morning is all about Karaoke. WOOHOO!. You can watch it at Launch.com if you have a yahoo sign-in.

Hey, even this is a song title. If you listen to Britney Spears. Anyhow, I was thinking along the lines of "Lucky 100" and I have 100 hits. Boy, that makes my Friday a little better. I can't wait to get outta here. I have stuff to do for my party. After the rush of this week, I need a party.

Ok, so I am too upset to try and find a song for this title. I am having an impromptu party, which is how most of my parties start. I ran into a friend who is always busy and she said she wanted to get together, so I took her literally. I called my best friend and said..."you are coming over". And she called and said, "of course I am". So, that is settled. I am still thinking about calling a few other people. And I hate the phone, so That Girl, if you read this, you should come over. And of course, it is Saturday and I know you are busy, and it sucks that it always works out this way, but you should come by if you aren't dog tired when you are done with CSz. So, you ask, why am I upset? My boyfriend rides the bus fairly regularly with my best guy friend and he told him about Saturday and my guy friend said something to the effect of..."Well, I can get alcohol anywhere", and then when my boyfriend told him that my girlfriends would be there, he was like...

OK, right after I posted that post, my counter showed up. Never mind the last post.

Damn, my site counter has disappeared. What is going on? I tried to alter the appearance in the hope that would make it work, but no luck. After the day I had yesterday, this just takes the cake. Anyone know how to fix it?

I have an addendum to my last post. I was just thinking about another part of my dream. I was trying to get my 7 year old to do something and he wouldn't, so I had to get on his case a little. And he turns to me and says, "Shut the hell up, mom". Not like he ever would, but for a moment when I woke up, I was like..."damn that kid". And then I realized it was all a dream anyways. That was prolly the most funny part of the whole thing. So, at least I'll have fun telling people about that.

Well, I had yet another weird dream last night. This was not so much about me being a slut, as me being an idiot. In my dream, he called and said to call. Then (in my dream), like now, I am at a loss. I have no idea what all this means. I didn't think I should call him, and I managed not to call him throughout the dream, but I thought about it the whole time, and am still thinking about it. What the hell is wrong with me? I am completely disgusted with this dream. For one, he doesn't even have my number, we have kind of managed to cut each other completely out of the other's life. Maybe I only miss him as a friend. I can hope anyway. He wouldn't be calling me anyway. So, why can I not strike him from my subconscious? Does anyone know a way to get someone out of your head so that you never think about them again? I put so many feelings into my relationship with him, and I really got nothing in return. He is so obviously bad for me, and yet my head keeps throwing these th...

Normal people prolly don't get as excited about this as I am, but I don't care. I am fast approaching 100 hits. Yay for me. I rock.

I had a strange one last night. It wasn't scary, which is good. My scary dreams usually involve my knowing something bad about someone (like they kill people) but no one believes me. I'm sure someone who interprets dreams would have a field day with this. It prolly goes back to living with my parents. I have a very honest face and my mom always thought I was lying. Just this little thing (no trust) screws all my bad dreams up, and makes me terribly worried for my own child and how I am going to screw him up without meaning to. Anyways, my dream last night involved going out with my friend's brother (who didn't look anything like her brother) and hanging out with him. It also involved sexual thoughts and encounters with too many people, including girls. Apparently, I am a slut in my dreams. Now, it is nice that I can get this behaviour out in my dreams and not feel like I have to do it in real life. But what the hell have I been doing in my real life that would manifest ...

It is a madhouse here today. I have a marginal level of stress over my normal job duties and then all the students come back and I get a little more stress. This I could deal with, but I seem to collect stress, like a magnet, from others who have way more to do. And of course, they handle it much better, which is more than likely why they have all the responsibility. I want to smoke about a million cigarettes right now, but I am not gonna. What I would really like is to just go home. I can't seem to stop yawning. Also, I would like Karaoke to be on Friday or Saturday night so I can go and not pay for it at work the next day. I miss it already. It was so much fun. Of course, I am kind of lazy on Friday and Saturday, so I might not want to go out. Yet another example of how conflicted I am. Why am I cursed with the ability to see both sides of every damn issue? It makes me think too much and then it hurts my head.

Well, last year was fun and fairly good to me. I hope this year will be the same. So, you all know I am a bit of a dork and I have to admit I have found it terribly funny to say (too much I am sure)......Best in 2005 yet. Now I know there isn't much to compare it to, but I find it amusing anyway. My little one came home and I must say that it is good to have him back. We played far too many games of Sorry and I think I have played with all his new toys. This is quite a feat for me as I have always been a baby dolls and barbies kind of person. Now I have to play with little boy toys. I did enjoy his building stuff. Although we are missing one piece and it was essential to make one of the bigger things with. So I bought a smaller set to offset the lost piece and the other pieces I am sure he will lose. Had a fairly good New Year's too. Played Scrabble and boy do I suck. I got a little snarky at my bigger boy though. He said something about..."well, at least it wasn't on ...