Random Thoughts

Why is it that too many people I know end up in jail? Do I just make friends with people with loose morals? These are people I like, hell, even love, and they end up in jail for doing the crappiest things. I just don't understand it, I've never felt the need to threaten people, hurt people, commit despicable acts against people you love. I don't get it. I'm so confused, and dismayed, yes, that's the word. I won't say that I'm a fine upstanding citizen, I've done stupid crap, I've done illegal things, I had a whole brief (thankfully) love affair with shoplifting. Maybe it was having a kid, maybe it was becoming 18 and fully responsible for myself, but I find that I am a scaredy cat, for want of a better description. I don't like lying, I don't like dealing with police men, I don't like feeling like a criminal. All of those things I used to do... Well, I never liked the police officers, even though they were never mean or assholes, just nor...

It's really vacation time now! We kicked Derek out the door sent him off the California around noon. All in all? I'm doing good. Nothing from attorneys. I fully intended to call them today, but Ben has to run errands that need the phone. In any case, I'm feeling good. It may be misplaced, but I kind of feel like them not calling me back is a good thing. Like maybe they are having a hard time finding so-called proof that I owe them. Who knows. I still feel better about the whole damn thing now that I know for sure I can declare bankruptcy if they feel like being complete assholes about it. So, I'm good, I hope everyone else is good. I'm relaxed, I have a whole weekend to myself. Sure, I have to present shop and grocery shop, but who cares? I have until a week from next Wednesday to get anything done I might need to have done, so hurray for that. This vacation stretches before me like a red carpet. Who wants to bet it'll be over before I know it and I will feel l...

So, I was thinking more about why I'm letting this whole thing get so overwhelming. I'm not just supporting my kid, I'm effectively supporting a family at this point. I'm terrified of letting them down, of failing. Is this how all heads of household feel? Damn, I had it easy for awhile. It's a scary thought. I met with a lawyer yesterday. Very nice guy, seemed like he actually cared, which does not fit well with my lawyer=shark thoughts. He told me that they were unlikely to care why I stopped paying. But that my answer (the one I drew up on my OWN!) was "not a bad answer", and he checked the statute of limitations for me and made sure it was the 6 years I had been reading. Basically he told me that the lawyers would actually prefer I draw it out, as long as they win. If I win, they are out all the money and work, but that in most cases they do win. So it's great for them to pad their expenses and then I have to pay that much more. If I am correct, an...

I'm willing to bet a million dollars (and boy could I use it) that my straight edge father does not watch South Park, oh, probably EVER. So he'd really have no idea why I'm SO tickled pink that he sent us a Swiss Colony Beef Log, along with a whole assortment of treats. I've been listening to "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" ever since. How much does it make me smile (something else I really need lately) that Cartman freaks out over the Beef Log? And if that's not good enough, then Kyle being the saddest Jew on Christmas will be. ("I'd be merry, but I'm hebrew").

That song sucks. But I needed something that had "believe" in it. See, I BELIEVE that the reason I am losing my (figurative) shit all over the place over this court thing is because I've become too used to people being able to help me. It's a good thing, but it makes me worry that I've become too dependent on others. If I've learned nothing else in my life, it's that you can really only depend on yourself. At least that's what I learned from my family, what I've learned from friends is that they will help you if they can. They will bend over backwards to help you, even if your own mother can not send you some pictures of your grandmother. Pictures only. I don't ask her for any money, even though she did just buy a house. I don't ask her for anything. My own mother. The same person who was too busy stuffing her nose full of coke to do laundry. To even be able to PAY to do laundry. How many times did I sort through my dirty clothes, hoping to...

Yes, I did have to spell it that way. It's said like "anotha", I'm keeping it right. I'm not sure why I thought that this part of the process would be any better. But I read somewhere that if you are going to waste time worrying about things when you don't know how they will turn out, you might as well "worry" that they will turn out well. So, I was faintly optimistic on Monday when I went down to Legal Aid for this whole being sued business. Turns out? I'm not poor enough. The really suck thing is that I might be poor enough if I said I supported Ben, but then we have to get all involved in his money that he can't touch. Meaning, I would need to have his financial information and I don't know if it will help or hinder me. The main reason I say 2 in the house when they ask me, I never know if adding him is a good thing or not. My housing payments went down when he stopped receiving money. Maybe that's a good sign? I don't know whe...

I think I'm beyond caring at this point. I hope so. No crying, just hopelessness. Awesome. My bank has charged me overdraft fees because I couldn't deposit money in the damn ATM. It wouldn't work or accept my cash, or whatever the hell. New and improved, my ass. 40 dollars. I sent them a message on line, we'll see what they do. I DID call and talk to someone yesterday, and she said they empty the bins out at night. I tried Tuesday night, and Wednesday. No luck, so OBVIOUSLY, they did not empty the bins the night before. They better waive those charges. My kid has been having major tantrums lately. Literally FREAKING out at home. And I guess he's had a rough time twice this week at school. I don't know what to do. We took away his video games for a week already from the tantrum the other night, and now he still had problems today. I don't know what else to do. I'm half tempted to take away his California trip with his dad. But that just means less time ...

I love that cartoon. Makes me sad that it is no longer. Penguins are cool, m'kay? So, we (the Ducks) lost Saturday. We suck. Actually it was REALLY close. Which I guess makes for a good game. The power went off last night at 12:30 or so. Everything just quit. I was ALMOST asleep and then that happens. I didn't really get into a good sleep until it came back on...at 2 am. I was so worried that Derek would wake up, freak out when the hall light wasn't on, and just about lose it. Instead (Do you know the phrase "Driven to distraction"? - I would kind of like to take a scalpel and cut all my skin off. Every bit of it. I'm SO ITCHY, no rhyme or reason. I've taken to pinching my skin where it itches instead of itching. I'm SO irritated, both in my head and on my skin. When my skin stops itching, my head starts. I hate this weather. I hate Oregon right now. I'd like to live in Hawaii, and I think I'm going to once Derek gets older. Hopefully. I was ha...

Seems like it always happens that whenever I have to get up early, early and go to work I don't sleep well. At all. It makes me sad, cause then I have to be here for like..almost ten hours today and on top of everything I'm so tired. Meh. Coffee only irritates my stomach, so keeping awake that way does not help me. I'm seriously entertaining the thought though, even though I know it's a bad idea. In any case, I hope everyone else's Saturday was better than mine, as I am working. And hope that the Ducks win, k? I have a real, honest to god vacation coming up. I've never had enough time saved up to take a week off, and so in like...May last year I sat down and figured it all out and realized it was my year for Christmas with Derek, so I planned well. I'm going to be off from the 21st to the 2nd. People keep asking me what I'm going to do on my vacation. HA! I'm gonna sit at home, it's Christmas time, I don't have any extra money, I'm just g...