Random Thoughts

I could make a good man. Really. And I have a video, cause this doesn't really do the eyebrows justice. But I have to re-hook the cord to upload the video and I don't have time right now. I'm just excited that I dressed up, even marginally. Those moustaches cost me a total of $1.00. ONE WHOLE DOLLAR FOR MY COSTUME, BITCHES! I rock. =) Plus the hat was borrowed. I LIKE that hat, but I can't have it. I might have to actually buy a hat, it didn't really look that bad. I never buy hats cause I think I'll look stupid. But maybe I'm wrong. Anyhow. Must trick or treat, then I shall be coming home and seeing if I can't watch Shaolin Soccer tonight. It should be funny.

That's the best title I got. I'm not even sure if only what. =p Honestly. Not that I'm depressed, just blah. Today was rough at work. The talker is usually coverage in some other areas while here, so today was crazy. I was IT. The phones, closing customer service, all that happy crap. It was busy. Went fast. Which is about all I have to say for this day. I thought...OH I'll use my Frangi Pani and add to my prettiness by smelling pretty. I've got my butterfly butt patch, pretty hair, earrings all in. The scent has been too much. It's finally starting to fade, but it has given me a headache. I don't know if I annoyed anyone else, I believe you have to be right up on me (hee hee) to smell it. To be fair, I DID reapply. I thought I'd washed off what I'd put on. Oils don't usually do this to me, but the water drinking has helped. And then it was someone's birthday yesterday, so they brought in cake. It was good cake. I'm suffering with heart b...

The desk has been switched out. Everything looks smaller over here, but it doesn't save a bunch of ground space. The monitor holder is weird. It's slanted, makes me worry that the monitor will slip down. But it looks fine. And I think it looks more streamlined, more efficient. (Soap opera side note! This may be the only time in my life where I am rooting for Helena. She should just kill that nanny bitch. Drugging Nikolas and pressing herself up against him?? GROSS. Pisses me off. Ok, back to the programming) The radio will work better in the living room anyhow. At least I can listen to a CD, instead of using the one that goes "in and out" on my CDs. Perfectly unscratched CDs. Damn thing. I'm pretty excited to have a radio. Especially since when Ariel comes back for Mina's birthday, I can make have her listen to Poe's CD Haunted. I think she'll get a kick out of it. It's almost spooky but the most awesome CD I own. Hands down, no arguing, no waffli...

I'm taking a quick break. Marveling at my accomplishment. I'm having coffee and listening to Cranberries. It's calming, if a little sad. HOLY COW! There was SO much stuff here before. The bed, well, we won't talk about the bed, but the DESK is clean, dammit. We're switching it out with a smaller desk, which will work just as well, but not have so much potential for clutter. What we do with all the extra DVDs that made their home here? I don't know. We'll figure it out. Nothing up here. Maybe under the radio, but how can I listen to it if I unplug it? When Ben gets back, I can have him help me move this one, the other one is light enough that one person can lift it, but this one is bigger. I shall keep the music until I no longer can. Full on view. My desk is NEVER this clean. There is always something somewhere. Cards, disks, CDs, little pieces of paper with random thoughts and songs written down. Even after dusting it twice, there is still dust on it. I...

God, work is PISSING me off today. Like no one else can get their shit together, so I have to sit and wait. WTF? Yesterday was so good. I had a FANTASTIC review. And this week I've gotten a little closer to normal each day. It feels like it anyhow. I need to remind myself when I get so down in the dumps that my attitude is half the battle. Even "faking" a better attitude makes me feel better. Yes, I had a fantastic review, even got praise on my scheduling work. While it FEELS like I get a lot of complaints from people, it would seem that my boss gets less complaints then she used to when SBAW did the schedule. So that's something. This last schedule wasn't too bad, except I forgot a few special things. Other than that, my boss only made 4 changes and they were small changes, just making sure this person did this coverage and such. It felt so good to actually have praise for the schedule. Overall, I got an 89. I'm ASSUMING this means a raise, except she didn...

Well boys and girls, While I may go on and on about my boyfriend and my own insecurity lately, he actually said something today that really kinda blew me away. He had called while I was at lunch, so I called him back, freaking out a little, cause he NEVER calls me at work. He had wanted to make sure we could afford cigarettes. I'm thinking..hell yeah, you take care of my kid and I don't have to pay for day care, we can certainly afford cigarettes. So, I tell him of course, and he says..well, it's too late now. I'm confused and can't figure out what the hell he means, until he says that he is on the way to get Derek and he doesn't want to take him to the gas station to get cigarettes. He goes on to tell me that Derek knows he smokes, he's seen him smoking, but he doesn't want to have Derek there waiting and then saying something like..oh you're getting Camel Jade Lights. He then says (get this, this is the part that BLEW me away) that a little part of...

Not really, stop SNIFFING me. =) More like Tag, I'm it. I believe the meme was about ten places we'd like to go, but I am doing it from memory, so if I'm wrong...well, I'll be wrong. 1. Hawaii! The ocean there always looks so FANTASTIC in pictures. I don't want to be there during tsunami season, or when a volcano could go off, but DAMN, it would be nice to go there at some point. WARM OCEAN WATER. It's almost like an oxymoron for us Oregonians. Plus, I saw this bar on the Travel Channel that was IN THE OCEAN and I believe it was in Hawaii. That would be awesome...Oh, I'm thirsty, I think I better swim over and get a drink! =) Let's just hope those drinkers don't pee in the water. It's not like the warm water would tip me off. 2. Somewhere where all my worries would float away. Yeah, I know that's unreasonable and even that it could mean something awful like being locked in a little room. But shit, this IS a meme and no one said anything ab...

I'm a little raw today. Spent too much time arguing to try and make myself feel better, at the expense of the person on the receiving end. Like so much of my life that REALLY matters, I can only seem to talk about it via email. I'm sure Karma will come back around to bite me in the ass later. It's too late now to take it back or make it better. Hopefully it will calm down and everything will be "normal" again. Or as normal as it gets. I'm not mad, I was defensive, but not mad. Just ready to argue my point. Too ready maybe. Anyhow, instead we shall talk of something "light and fluffy", a subject near and dear to my heart. Pee on the toilet seat. Seriously...WTF??? Why is it SO hard to aim? I used to think that it was solely the fault of the men who share the bathroom. We have a unisex bathroom at work, so you could see how I would be quick to blame it on the guys. Especially since my 8 year old isn't a terribly good aimer. I've taken to tel...

Since I mentioned how Ben had been, how he likes to stare at me, how he touches me, he's been different. Am I just reading too much into his silence. I suppose he's not ALWAYS silent, but it seems like a lot lately. And I wonder if he isn't getting sick of me. See, I kinda suck as a girlfriend. He cooks, I hardly ever help. He goes to the store, I look at him and plead with him until he'll go, on my whim. He makes me drinks, I just gaze at him until he does. See, I feel like I should help more, but I hardly ever get that far. Instead, I'll think...oh sure, I could totally help with this, and then I get home and get sidetracked. =( Like I said, he's been silent. Too silent. Almost feels like he's avoiding me. This morning, I was doing dishes and he got up and didn't say anything. Didn't make the kissy noise, didn't say anything. Just came back in here and wrapped himself in a blanket. I came in here to just fuck around and take a break from the di...

Liz, the wonderful (I think, don't know her terribly well) person who Paul married, (Paul - The person who I thought I was destined to be with) sent me a comment via MySpace earlier today. Isn't she pretty? See, what doesn't help is that from all I gather (which isn't terribly much) this girl is like an older, more mature, skinnier version of myself. She's a Cancer, she loves her children, she's in love with Paul. (I thought I was.) She has some extra "cushion for the pushin'", but nothing like what I got. She doesn't have the double chin and takes better pictures then I do. But it just boggles my mind. I feel like we should be really good friends, except I don't know her. Not really. =( And I'm not sure I want to be around him enough to get to know her. Too afraid we'd fall back into old habits. Mainly flirting when we shouldn't. He tried at one point and I was like.....um. NO. Hopefully that put an end to it. I guess I'll ...

Let's see. Not much excitement, really. My back is being tweaked. It must be catching (wink). No, really, I've just been a bad girl, been using it to my own advantage. Which is working out well. Just twinges here and there occasionally. Makes me nervous. I remember feeling like my back would NEVER be better after it went out. It's better, but every little twinge freaks me out. I become convinced that I'm gonna do something to fuck it up more. Saturday - I was lazy. Slept as late as I could, Derek woke up too early. =( He went to bed at the normal time that night and was AGHAST that I would not let him stay up. I'd only told him all day that since he'd got up at the normal time for a school day, he'd go to bed at the normal time. I'm evil like that. Hit Freddies, seeing as how we had to add a sword, or something ninja-like to Derek's costume. He got nun chucks (sp?). And I got dish soap! HURRAY! No, not really, I'd just missed it on the fridge lis...

It was like Cat Orgy outside my house just a few minutes ago. If you haven't seen that South Park, you oughtta. CAT ORGY! I can just imagine them sniffing catnip and laying around, having crazy sex outside my window.

Brute You are 14% Rational, 14% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 57% Arrogant. You are the Brute! You are introverted, arrogant, brutal, and more intuitive than rational. Like a big, dumb animal, you are driven by your emotions more than your reason, and as a result of the fact that you care very little for the feelings of others, you tend to be rather selfish. You also possibly fling your own poo. Because of your selfishness, you also tend to be a bit arrogant, seeing yourself as big or strong or smart or always correct. This makes you a stubborn, irrational, emotion-driven brute. King Kong best represents the gorilla-version of your personality. Emotional, introverted (King Kong was isolated on his own island, after all), brutal, and arrogant (proud to be the largest ape on Earth!), Kong would probably get along very well with you, seeing as how you share many of the same traits. Aside from, you know, all the fur. You probably keep to yourself and take great pleasure i...

I replaced many songs on the Ipod last night. Now I have almost three full albums of Pink, which would seem to have put me into a better mood. I don't know. I find out today that someone I know is moving and is getting rid of some furniture and they have a love seat and a couch! YAY! Mine are falling apart and it would be so awesome to have some newer furniture. Now I just have to find a truck to get them. It pays to know people. I've been thinking about that silly meme about which signs you should not date. It said Cancer, because they are secretive, even while wanting to know your feelings. They are right. I hadn't really thought of it. I thought I was more open, but that only seems to be here. I guess I'm sorry to you guys that you have to read my weird rambling thoughts and pity parties. This has become my diary, so I write things I wouldn't dare say. Thoughts I wouldn't dare air out loud. I don't know if Ben cares, or if he thinks I'm a "what...

I've realized lately... That I'm really an odd duck. (I don't know where I've heard that but I like being a duck, so whatever) I've been too grumpy. Over shit that is my own fault. It's all my own fault. I should own it. I should own being fat, I should own spending money I don't have, I should own being stupid with money I do have. I just wish there was fun free stuff to do, I guess. I'm just not sure how to get there. I mean...well, I'm really GOOD at feeling guilty. I'm quick to take the blame if something went wrong at work. Yet not so good in my personal life. I'd like to blame all my problems on other people. I try not to, at least not out loud. It's not so easy inside my head. Other ways I'm strange? I've realized that if I want to hang out with someone, I need to make plans in advance. I almost NEVER go out when someone just calls me. I need to have time to plan?? I don't know. I don't have...

I guess. My head hurts. My eyes are sore. Meh. Apparently, and I find this funny, I look like crap. I didn't look in the mirror last night cause I knew my face would be splotchy and red, and I didn't want to sit there worrying what Ben was thinking. It's obvious I had been crying. He did just STARE at me for a good long while last night. Now I can't remember, though it might have been because he wanted me to figure out what I wanted for dinner. I wanted nothing, really. So I was not helpful. I remember wondering WHY he was staring at me, so perhaps he realized and was trying to just stare the reason why I was crying out of me? I don't know. Used to be, I'd just cry at him and he'd rub my back, but that got old. It's gotten to where I don't want him to see my crying. It's usually about stupid crap anyhow, so why try to explain? Like the quote says sometimes a dame just needs to cry buckets. I'm regretting getting so ...

I really have no reason to be so sad about it. It's not like someone ATE MY HAND or anything. (sorry, Sin City was just WEIRD) O_o Ok, enough outta me. Just had to share that I am trying to realize how bad things really could be. And being sad over being fat just really isn't that bad. It's not the worst thing that could happen to me. *knock on wood* also, the theme of the movie seemed to be that people were gonna prove they were "worth something". While I can relate to that feeling, I don't see how killing people will prove anything. Oh well. I must not "get" it. Don't get me wrong, I did like that movie, just weird...weird way to show you're worth something. By killing others and then getting killed.

I'm feeling down today and I don't really have a good reason. Just, it seems like too many people are sad or down on themselves. Then I start to dwell and that's NEVER a good thing. I guess just everything has me a little down. For instance, Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the porn, but I was looking through the stuff Ben had downloaded (sometimes we download that SAME stuff and put it in our own little respective folders. Save space to share a folder, but we both seem a little embarassed about the porn. He likes pictures, I prefer videos.), and even some of the stuff I had downloaded and I got depressed. Cause I'm just NEVER gonna look like any of those women. They are practically MADE for porn and the smooth, glowing skin, the tight curves of their asses, the non saggy perfect breasts. I realize that I shouldn't really care that I'll never look like them. But you know what? I do a little bit. It's not like I even had a time when I was close. It would be nic...

I LOVE BJORK. I've got a post about one of her songs clicking around in my head. It "fits" me. I'll get there, eventually. I LOVE THE TIME WARP TOO. It's October, high time for the Time Warp. I only wish I could find a theater in Eugene that is "doing" RHPS this year. No such luck. And I didn't have the money last year, so I didn't go. Poop. All I could find was Portland. Oh well. I could "do" my own? I have the movie. Ben would hate me, but whateva! I do what I want! My hair is better today. Less sticky (for want of a better word) and it feels really soft, so hurray for VO5. At least once it's properly rinsed out. I even cut my bangs. I no longer look like the shaggy dog. Though I found a long one and it's taken all my will not to just pull the damn thing out. Damn LONG BANG HAIR. On Demand now has CSI! I got to watch Thursday's episode while being sick Friday. Let me just say I wish Kevin Federline had been the corpse. If ...

These are the songs I put on my Ipod in the last week. In order of when. Ending with newest added. Hurt - Christina Aguilera This song makes me cry a little. It makes me wonder if I should just talk to my mom, even though I'm so pissed, cause someday she'll be gone. It either reminds me of my mom, or of my Grandma. I think it depends on the day. But it's a really haunting song. I LOVE IT. Starry Eyed Surprise - Paul Oakenfold Heather reminded me of this song when we went to the bar. It's definitely a dancing song. Not something that would ever make me cry. =) Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall Remember how I have this CD, but it doesn't play? I had no idea about this song until recently when Lawrence, at work, played it on his Ipod and I was like...who is THIS? "You can see she's a beautiful girl, she's a beautiful girl." Again, light hearted and pop-py. LOVE IT. Other Side of the World - KT Tunstall Same with this one, though it's at the beginning a...

I'm STILL sore. Body aches, I guess? I don't know. What I DO know is that V05 deep conditioning stuff will leave your hair shiny, but feeling greasy. I mean, my hair was REALLY shiny, but it didn't rinse out so well. Second shampoo and it seems to be doing better. I could totally use it to style my hair and make it shiny. Maybe I will. As long as it's up, I won't have to touch it. And it didn't LOOK greasy, just felt that way...or something akin to that. Shiny hair is good. I MIGHT have went over board a little with the conditioner. I left it in quite awhile and put a LOT in. So perhaps it was just user error? Ben told me today that by listening to Weird Al, I've turned his whole world upside down and he doesn't know what to make of anything. I can like ONE Weird Al song. And I AM white and nerdy, so it works. I CAN think it's funny. But his INSISTENCE to bring attention to the fact that I "caved" a little in my dislike of Weird Al makes me...

So. I'm really fucking sick of that commercial about HPV and cervical cancer. You know the one? All the women say something about having "no idea" that HPV can cause cervical cancer. I'm pretty sure I knew that before this damn commercial. Anyone who reads any sort of pamphlets or goes to the doctor every year for their pap should know this. Even if they don't, WHY DO PEOPLE STILL NOT GO IN FOR PAP SMEARS? I found an article that says only 10 different strains of HPV can possibly cause cervical cancer. So I guess the commercial is kind of lying. But in the article , they also say "The current death rate for cervical cancer remains higher that it should be due to the approximately one-third of women who do not have regular annual Pap smears. An estimate 90% of cervical cancer deaths could be eliminated through earlier detection with the Pap smear." ONE THIRD?? Why would anyone avoid this? Sure it's not pleasant, but it's necessary. At least to me....

I don't know why I thought that growing my bangs long and sweeping them to the side was cute. This was freshman year. I look so young to me. And so skinny. But back then I thought I was fat. My butt was too big, I had a stomach, blah, blah, blah. Oh well. This was after I started dying my hair. I cut it SHORT and dyed it red orange. This was a dress I borrowed from Joy. This was right after I made Heather laugh and made her "waste a drag". She hated it when I did that. I just think it's great that she was that amused by myself. =) More bad hair. My pictures could be a bad hair parade. And that dress? Wow, it was BLUE. I'm wondering if it's not the same shirt I own now. Except this does look more like a dress. Hm. Again with the smoking. We thought it TERRIBLY cool to smoke in my front yard and have someone take pictures. Probably my mom. Yes, that IS the dreaded Ferris Wheel in the background. I miss living across the street from the fairgrounds. =( It was so...

Aspen and I, doesn't she look TERRIFIED? I loved the babies, even then. I am so laid back here, and from the look on her face, she was not happy. She sent me a bunch of pictures, scanned them into her computer. I wish I had a scanner, cause my pictures of pictures don't always come out so well. I loved fishies, even from a young age. Except, these might have been seahorses and not fishies. I look so impossibly small. Partly cause I was bending over, but partly because I was like...3? See, I don't look so small in this one. And I'm going to assume the two pictures were taken on the same day. Yep, looks like seahorses. I actually kinda remember that horse. I LOVED the bouncing. I had crazy hair. Very blonde. This was probably after I cut off one of my pony tails. My mom was always against short hair, so that's about the only way this makes sense. That background almost looks fake. I am obviously the oldest kid here. I got two cousins on the left there, and Misty is in...