Random Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot lately and while that usually means Ben bears the brunt of my crazy..well..I've had other things on my mind. Not that he doesn't get the brunt of my random bouts of crazy....it still happens. I'm tired of death, I suppose everyone who's had to deal with it at all is. Christmas makes things harder....I kept wishing for a phone call that would never come. Dad would always call on my birthday and on Christmas. While we didn't have a lot of contact besides that, those were set in stone. So yeah, this particular Christmas was hard. I think I was still numb last year and he still "saved" my Christmas since my step mom sent that $500 check. He'd saved Christmas so many times...this one I knew I was on my own and it's been depressing. They say money doesn't solve everything, but it certainly helps. I stress less, I know that. The talker was like..well, Christmas is also about family and I shut her down pretty quickly with ...

My dad died. Everyone knows it by now. I've been dealing with it. Crying over it at weird times. Thinking, oh, maybe he's watching over me and then getting squicked out at the thought. I didn't have sex for days, wondering if my dad really could see me. Sorry if you can Dad. I kind of hope you can't. Completely random. This was not the death I expected first out of both parents. Goes to show you can't "expect" much huh? Life is random. I don't write about my dad much here because to be honest, he wasn't a huge part of my life. Maybe my memories, but I haven't seen the man since I was almost 13, right around Derek's age now. Our contact had been more in these later years, but still only awkward phone calls. Calls that I generally dreaded as I was unsure what to talk about so I'd fall back on my favorite and easiest subject, Derek. Children, the great equalizer. I've used child stories to my advantage before, because other parents rel...

Guess what guys? MY MOM CAME TO VISIT ME. I was horrified. Totally sure that I was going to give away how much I abhor her, how much I judge her...none of which ever goes well. To be completely fair, does anyone take unwanted criticism well? To be completely unfair, NOTHING IS EVER MY MOTHER'S FAULT. It is all the world around her. I shouldn't have been worried. I was eager to please, like I've always been. Most of the 40 or so minutes she spent in my house I spent trying to be funny and looking over at Derek when I was unsure what else to do. To the point where he was like...WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING AT ME? Maybe one day he'll make a blog post about how WEIRD his mom was just staring at him. I've placed a lot of my anger on my mother for ignoring me, and then ignoring my son. Or what I felt was ignoring...as I've gotten older I realized it was probably better that she wasn't around to fuck me up more. Or him for that matter. To his credit, he was amiable. ...

But I don't suck as bad as my old journal. Filled with worries, stupid boys, dumb thoughts. Oh man. I was a dumb ass teenager. The next boy I set my sights on was no more worthy than many of the ones before him. His name was Caleb and he had bug eyes, but for some reason (confidence, I think?) I was drawn to him. I will say that I met Joi through him long before we did anything, so at least I got Joi out of it. =) He was full of himself. And I was willing to believe he was all that. I slept with him one night after watching "Dusk Till Dawn" at the Bijou. I was currently nursing quite a few crushes. I'd spent the night with him prior, but only cuddling, no sleeping together. It seemed like every time I started to realize what an asshole he really was, he'd do something nice or make me think he was cooler than he was. One night he took me out to a movie, "Fear" and I was impressed that he'd asked me. Turns out that the tickets were free and no one else...

See, I've already forgotten things...this is why I'm chronicling this now. Hell, before I know it, I could forget NAMES. I started a new crush, this became a habit with me..seemed like one crush a year at least. Why? Dunno. Did I know better? Certainly, but I couldn't seem to stop making excuses for every FUCKED up thing I saw that they did to their girl friends. Well, I would think, they wouldn't do that TO ME..I would be the best girlfriend if given the chance..blah, blah, blah. Short story? I seem to crush on the unobtainable....much like anyone else. I started to hang out with other people in high school and was instantly drawn to a boy who was completely emo. Eye liner (sometimes) and the attitude to go with it. Very "woe is me" in general. I didn't realize this until lately, but he's pretty much ALWAYS been woe is me. Just another step on my rung to wannabe vampire boyfriend. I seem to be attracted to the fucking drama. I spent many a time flirti...

See, I was going to start with this guy. I would have missed out on 4 whole guys and at the beginning all I really remembered was about David and Rogers and middle school..I'd almost forgotten about Jason. Oh..lol! He showed up during Christmas of Freshman year out of nowhere and was like.."Be my girlfriend?!" and I was like..no. So I hid in the bathroom with the door locked until my little sister Misty told me he had really left and wasn't just faking leaving so I would come out. The answer was obviously no, but I was not good at no so hiding in the bathroom (avoidance) seemed an equally good idea. Ok, end of Jason. Freshman year I went back to school and re crushed on the same guy from middle school. Wes. Way cooler than me, but he seemed to like me at least a little. Part of this story makes me want to SCREAM at High School me. WTF me? This was REALLY CRAZY, even by my standards. It started with phone calls. Outside of school he was really attentive and listened to...

After moving here to Oregon, we moved around a lot. Didn't give me a whole lot of time to develop crazy crushes on boys. I started to get one halfway through my 8th grade year, but it was pretty obvious he didn't have any idea that I existed. So off I went on summer vacation where we spent many days at Monroe Park. They had free lunch and my mom could get all of us kids out of the house. I was, of course, the babysitter and spent at least part of most of these days trying to explain to my little brother that catching bees in his leftover food cups was a bad idea. I don't know how many times he was stung that summer. Luckily, he did not appear to be allergic. I accidentally stepped on one and my foot swelled up to the size of a baseball. To this day, that is the ONLY bee I've ever been stung by. One of these days, I met a boy who was also bringing his siblings along and we decided we were "going out"..which meant a tiny bit of hand holding. It didn't take m...

Right? I was going to start at the first guy I had sex with, but my insecurity, boy problems, and general relationship craziness starts before that. I may; however, roll the first two boys into one story. They are semi-related. I was always boy crazy. My mom would tease me about it to no end. In middle school, I liked this guy David. David lived in the same apartments and we had some of the same friends. I don't know why I decided he was crush worthy, just a tiny blond boy but I did like him. And he seemed to like me too. We made plans to attend a dance together. Which I didn't go to in the end. I got myself so worked up that I was quite determined he was going to stand me up. Trust issues much? Instead I stood him up. He showed..my friend Michelle went and reported back. She told him that I was REALLY sick and maybe even embellished more about how sick. Did he believe her? I don't know..we didn't hang out much after that. Cut to a few months later and his cousin asks m...

EDIT: After much consideration, I've decided to make this blog a bit more private...see I can't be sure my sisters won't see this and I don't want to ruin their lives more than our mom did. ___________________________________________ I can't even make up my mind. Was catching up on LJ today and it's made me more sad than bitchy. I think I might prefer sad to bitchy. When I'm bitchy I KNOW it's not helping but I can't seem to fucking stop. When I'm sad, well..shit I'm sad. I'll get over it. My mom has always been...well, an ostrich. Pretend there is not a problem and MAYBE there won't be. I'll admit I've followed this route on a few occasions, but NEVER to the extent that she did and STILL does. Before my sister came to visit, I thought that maybe I'd exaggerated how bad it really fucking was. I'm at least HALFWAY normal and capable, maybe my brain had made it worse than it was. It's not something I talk about frequ...

Whenever I write a line like that, with an "or", I think of Rocky and Bullwinkle. There were always two "titles" for each episode. My brain pulls weird memories like that out of nowhere. For instance, October reminded me solidly of my Grandma, and not because it was the month she died (that must have been after Christmas, thankfully), or because she loved Halloween or some such bullshit like that. It reminds me of her since she was in the hospital battling lung cancer. We went out trick or treating around the neighborhoods near the hospital, someone always needed to be near. They must have knew that the fight was almost over. I can't tell you that; while I've always considered myself empathetic and indeed CALLED it when they called on the phone as I could tell just by my mother talking that she had finally died, I was only 8 when it was all over. I loved her fiercely, my Grandma. I don't know that she was perfect and considering how my own mother and all...

Yes, I'm playing catch up again. I'm sorry. If anyone even reads this. I think Ariel is the only one, everyone else reads MySpace. I got SUCKED into MySpace. And Twitter too. lol. Tuesday, Oct. 21st Title: Rhea - crazy ex neighbor. She looks less crazy on the bus. Besides the VERY orange plaid capris and the rainbow knit hat. Ok, so she LOOKS more crazy now, but she's always so nice on the bus to other people and I sit far away and watch her and wait for the crazy. I believe she is bi-polar. Up one minute, friendly, nice, and then angry and screaming the next. My favorite experience with her? Well, my favorite story at least.. Jake and I were at the house alone, I believe. She came upstairs and we'd already drawn some sort of battle lines apparently, cause she brought up a Zima and slurred that it was a peace offering. Drunk and crazy, oh good. I made small talk, wondering why she'd decided to not be so damn angry that we lived above her and were so loud, by LIVING,...

I suppose I should stop saying MY Grandma, as half my preferred list are relatives who share Grandma. I feel proprietary I guess. I'm having a hard time lately. I've always felt that if Grandma were still alive, she would have kept my mom in line. Away from the drugs and everything else. But recently, I wonder if that's the case. Cause you see, EVERYONE of my aunts and uncles seem to have problems. Perhaps it's just the way life worked out, but when most of the family ends up angry, bitter, and fucked up, it's hard to believe that my Grandma didn't put some sort of snowball effect in motion. That she was perhaps not the best mother herself? It feels disloyal to share these thoughts out loud, cause she was always so strong to me. But I don't know what else to think. Let me share a better story with you. Well, kind of a better story. When I was younger...probably around 4 or 5, Grandma had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who rode a motorcycle. One time I really wante...

As if it's not enough that I watch the Haunting show, now I can't seem to keep myself from watching Paranormal State. This year (in about 9 months) will signify my Grandma being dead for 20 years. I'm not sure how someone who was in my life for so little time overall makes such an impact on me, but she still does. And if there are ghosts, I believe she's watching over me as a ghost herself. Does any of that make sense? No logic here today people. My Grandma was in the hospital for a long time before she died. It was not surprising, as she had cancer. Lung cancer, a big one if I do say so myself. I do not have one single picture of her, but I do have her sewing machine. Which I have no idea how to run, but it's a part of her that I am severely loathe to lose. A part that really only fell into my lap when my family moved and couldn't take it with them. Did I mention that I miss her? Her crazy blue eyeliner that she used to make cat eyes? Or her perm to make her ha...

In my head, I call it a birthdayversary. Only in my head, as this is completely not fair to Ben. It’s his birthday and he has to share with me. LOL. I told him many, many years ago that we could break up for a few months and then get back together and change the date that way? Ha ha. He didn’t like that idea either. Although I’ve been thinking about it since the end of February. That was when he asked me if he could sleep in my bed that night, and I was sick of sleeping alone so I said yes, with the add on that he had to keep his pants on. Which he did. But a bit of making out happened in the morning. That time when you’re not even fully awake, but all you know is that someone is doing something nice to your neck? *blush* We took it very slow for a bit, but then just dove in head first. People were angry, and I guess people had a right to be, but seeing as how we’ve lasted 7 years, I’d like to think it was meant to be and angry people can suck it. =) This makes year number 7 for us, an...

I've labeled a blog the same way before. It's just that I REALLY hate snow. The kids here (read: Ben and Derek) love snow. It's so rare around here that they all freak out when it snows. Imagine my disgruntlement when I realized that though I thought I had moved to a snow-less area, it only had not snowed for many years in a row, but it snows at least once a year here it would seem. I know I should suck it up. I only have to deal with it for mainly a day. Though the snow today has effectively cut off school in Springfield tomorrow. Derek was suspended from school on Friday, I don't even want to get into it here, let's just say the boy has a spectacular temper. He didn't hit anyone, just threw one hell of a temper tantrum. He's been very grounded all weekend. And people wonder why I get so worried about how he could act in public. There are no warning signs, the boy just goes full on ANGER. I like to think it's not genetic, but I moved out after Jake kick...

I tend to over react to things. LOL. That might even be an understatement. I tend to blow things out of proportion sometimes. I'd like to think life is more fun that way, and I'll tell you, I'm rarely bored. I get all butt hurt over stupid crap all the time. For instance, my psyche (ha, I typed psycho first!) smacked me in the face this morning. I was dreaming as I hit the snooze button, and for some reason in my dream Ben told me that our sex life was boring. Thanks subconscious. That's what I needed to wake up to. Fuck you too buddy. But this is really about more pressing matters. See, since I am over dramatic, I look to others for feedback on lots of things. Especially my not quite sickness right now. I haven't taken any Tylenol today, and I'm pretty sure I still feel stupid in the head. I want to go home and take my temperature and hope I have a fever. ANY OUTWARD SIGN OF SICKNESS WOULD BE NICE. I've ran this by a quite a few people and the people who h...

I dreamt of rabbits last night. Or more like this morning after hitting the snooze button. For some reason there were like a million rabbits and they were all in this room. I was hanging out with the kids in my immediate family and taking care of them for some reason, and HE came in and said, "See, you like being a family with them, why couldn't you be a family with all of us?".I almost immediately felt sick to my stomach. Seriously? He's a LARGE part of the reason why I could no longer stomach my home life. Why I slept on the street and stayed with all sorts of friends. Why I stayed at Station 7. As with all thoughts of him, I get sick, and then angry. Then I start to remember how much I really dislike my mother. Cause SHE was SUPPOSED to protect ME. I was her kid, he was only her husband. I was flesh and blood. It's not been the most fantastic day. I feel like I've had a sore throat coming on for weeks now. Just when I thought I was getting better, I...

I CAN'T get that whole "My (blank), let me show you it/them" from Cat Macros out of my head. It amuses me. Which is good. Ok, so this here is my blog. I'm probably gonna complain about things that people do that I might even do myself. *gasp* It's hard not to, I mean, I've lived so much life, I've probably done one of the two or three (or a million) things I complain about. At least to a certain degree. But it's my blog, so I am empirically right. That said, this here blog would not be entertaining at all if I didn't take normal, everyday events, and blow them way out of proportion. Otherwise, you would get something along the lines of "I woke up, I had breakfast". I've had posts that are close to this. I really have. I'm not gonna find them. Suffice it to say that I've learned that drama is a lot funnier/more entertaining. What you don't get from me is all the happy stuff. Again, that's boring sometimes. I've b...

And I promise, I'm feeling better today. I've been angsty lately. I watched 3 CSI's and strangely enough, I feel good. Besides the headache that is keeping me home. And away from the computer after I post this. Cause it really got me thinking last night. Maybe that's why I have this headache. I overtaxed my brain. ---------------------- Everytime I spend any amount of time talking to certain people, I just want to blow my head off. I mean, why even try? Apparently, life is too hard. For example, the talker. Everything in her life is hard. These (not anyone reading this, I promise. You are all young, intelligent people who want the best for their kids and are doing your damnest to make it work.) people are older than me, and should be able to make life work, but every time I talk to them, I feel like it's just fucking hopeless. There is no point to anything. All that is gonna happen is that the man you had kids with isn't going to be with you in the end. They are...

"I don't know where this road is going to lead. All I know is where we've been, and what we've been through." I'm starting to get into my older CDs. All the ones from the 90's. With things like Boys II Men. Why are all my older songs so sad? Or angry as hell? Apparently, those were my only two emotions as a teenager. I wouldn't be a teenager again for any amount of money. I actually feel quite removed from all of it now, but it was like some alien took over my body. I liked too many boys. I was sure I LOVED them all. I was equally sure that life would end if they didn't like me. I was sure that anyone else was better. A better body, a better face. I slept with too many boys thinking it meant some emotion on their part, when it was usually just sex. I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I mean..well, I guess I always think about the past. More than others, maybe? I find myself endlessly fascinated with people, with their thoughts. ...