Random Thoughts

I'm the dumbest bitch ever. I just keep trying with this place and they just keep piling it on. Derek and I can't BOTH be out of work so I've stalled on checking out other positions. Sure guys, I can be ALL of A/P and since we have 3 goddamn people, I can be ALL of Accounting when one calls in sick and the other is in meetings all the time. Really I'm just grumpy because it's the beginning of the term and Ben is waiting for his blood draw and results and today is not a good d ay.  I wanted to call in. I thought about it momentarily, but figured I should show in case B was still out sick... you know, because then we'd have NO ONE in the department in the office. Good call when your accounting team is so fucking small two people can't be out sick or on vacation at the same time. They'll probably be all "we don't know why she lost her shit and quit" when I finally break. Which just makes me want to laugh maniacally.  Yesterday...

I have yet to get the “high” blood pressure reading my doctor got. Not in the 140’s as she put it…. I’m not really sure why I’m surprised that she would have put me straight on the meds based on a high reading 3 times. Doctors are stupid. This morning it was down to 124/94 – okay, the lower number is a bit high, but my morning readings seem to run that way. It was 90 yesterday morning. And in the 80s the past two nights. It’s funny, I was so nervous about getting the machine and still getting a high reading. I suppose all the broccoli may have helped (it’s a miracle!), and the walking too, but I still think she was over reacting. No word from doctor yet. The ultrasound guy didn't look disturbed. Hell, no news is good news right? In any case, I am excited about the better blood pressure. Perhaps something I am doing is making a difference, perhaps it was all a fluke. Who cares? I don't mind vegetables and now when Ben gets that look on his face I remind him...

One day off always throws me. It’s funny; it was the perfect weekend, even in its smallness. Gave me less time to get upset or over think anything. Friday night we cooked dinner together, Saturday was a road trip to Portland to drop off the kid and visit with my lovelies…. Saturday night was a movie and getting ready for the work week. So…I blocked this site a long time ago to anyone but people who I want to read it. For fear of sisters finding my dark nightmarish past….I don’t want anyone to accidentally learn about such things. But a part of me is sad that I can’t be as open anymore. I guess that’s what I get for sharing. I should’ve kept it all story format or something. Like…once upon a time and not…these are the true happenings of my life. I’d like to share with the world, but how to cut out a certain part of it for fear of hurting it? Can I just block Wyoming? Hahaha. It just makes me sad that something I started so many years ago has gone the way of so much else…and as I keep ad...

I've been seeing people taking the "how long would you survive" test. I'm pretty sure I'd be first. That last time I had a zombie dream I held off the zombie by pushing him away using his head. Like an annoying little brother or sister. Pretty ineffectual, I'm thinking. Spiders are obviously less scary than zombies would be, which is why it's troublesome that I can't always kill the spider. Some days I'm fine and can kill it (and feel OH SO VICTORIOUS), mostly when Ben is asleep and I scare one in the bathroom. Today though... I was washing my hands when I noticed a VERY LARGE brown thing peeking out from behind the mouth rinse bottle. One leg half angled onto my razor. Not an easy spot to try and kill a spider. So I tried to convince myself that there was no way that huge thing was a spider. It was probably dust or something. I looked a little closer and saw it glaring malevolently staring at me. (ok...so maybe it wasn't looking at me but giv...

Every time I've come to this blog lately, all I've done is rant. Then put the post back into draft mode the next day. I'm not prepared to rant that much. Plus who wants to read something where all I am doing is bitching? So I got an idea from a friend, someone who has taken to writing down her relationships..and what greater time than the present? For one, I'll remember or at least be able to go back and read about it when I lost details. For two, it will provide a good amount of content and shouldn't be completely ranting. Some posts will no doubt be rantier than others, but they can't all be full on rants. For three, shit...I don't have a third reason, but at least it will keep me from posting about Ben, Magic, and how I'm certain we won't make it forever. Like this week? I'm pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive. Has he said this? Has there REALLY been a reason why I should think this? No..but after accidentally finding his stash of po...

I've decided that I hate middle school and I hate 11-12 year olds. The boy is full of arguments lately. Arguments and excuses...there is NOTHING I hate more than excuses. Just own up to what you did. He got Cs and Ds last term. My child whose almost always been at the top of his class, my child who I've always heard, "oh, he's SO smart" at conferences...my child who I want to do better. The teachers still think he's bright and indeed he is a quick thinker or else I wouldn't have such arguments with him. The problems? Turning in his homework. I MAKE him do it when I know he has homework (which is another point of contention, he'll argue that he didn't understand that it was homework) but I can not follow him to school and MAKE him turn it in on time. So a LOT of his homework is late, and graded down. He got A's for tests in math, but F's on the homework, so it was solidly a C. He's taking a 7th grade math class this term on top of his re...

Today sucks. My stomach has been queasy since this morning, having that extra coffee didn't help, but I was dog tired. I'm trying to change my attitude before I take it into Friday with me. I dunno if I'll succeed. I spent last night being totally pissed off and questioning my life choices. It's not the best place to be in. That much I can tell you. Is all that vague enough? Good, I like it that way. Let's just say I was soul searching. And didn't really come up with any sort of answers. Obviously, I was not very successful. I rarely am. I was so mad and didn't want to name names so I just pulled out my notebook-diary thing that I used to write in. Back before I had a blog. It's been since 2004 since I wrote in it last. And oddly enough I found that I was still trying to find some of that answers back then. Isn't 5 years long enough to come to a conclusion? Or maybe I just get hot headed and have to write to blow off steam? I also found that all thos...

My vacation thus far: Friday - Met up with Jenn for steak (YUM) Walked the mall after stuffing ourselves silly. Ran into an old friend. Though I dare say she didn't recognize me, or perhaps my not talking made her uncomfortable. I don't think it was a secret that I hate being surprised by people in public. I get weird and quiet. And sometimes shaky. It's awesome. We hit the hot tubs and life was fantastic. The boys got home shortly after I did, Ben had won the tournament, so our night was damn good overall. Saturday - My concert! Oh, the concert. I LOVED it. It was loud, it was awesome, it was made further better by them allowing us to take our beers out onto the McDonald Theater floor. So we could drink and enjoy. Before the concert, we hit the Horsehead and got dinner. Also, ran into Sidney and Patrick. And Zac too. When I am at the bar and have been drinking and run into someone? I'm "2 drink Desiree", who can handle any unexpected situation with finesse (a...

I'm home. Been home for about an hour now. I've been feeling sorry for myself. And angry at all the assholes who keep saying how much they LOVE snow and oh, good, more snow. None of those assholes fell in the snow. None of them hurt their back. None of them have to walk in the goddamn snow. I'm gonna punch the next person who says how much they love snow in the face. Unless it's my child, and then I GUESS I won't punch him. That would just knock his teeth off anyhow. So I've managed to make myself feel a little better by sitting here thinking my hateful thoughts and listening to Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. By far my best Christmas album. Ben and I had a discussion yesterday about how I rate my iTunes music. He thinks I rate things too high. And maybe he's right. But...it's all opinion anyhow, right? So after he proceeded to SHOW me how many songs I'd had rated at 5 (900 out of 4,000 - I STILL don't think that's too much) and how many...

It's ONLY Tuesday. How is that even possible? It feels like it's been a week and I just want it to be the weekend. My kid's week hasn't even started as school was out AGAIN today. I kept my word, I am not being too pissed by this. He better be careful going outside though. It's slippery. I had a moment where one foot slipped, but then it was ok. Baby steps, I must look like a moron while walking so slowly and deliberately. The thing is, I tend to fall down for no reason. I can't imagine how it would work if I have a reason to fall down. So far, so good. "California Dreaming" came on my iPod on the walk. It's fitting and I don't even LIKE California. I'm wearing Ben's socks in the hopes that my feet will be warmer. And the sun being out is nice. I hope it means things melt and dry up, though it's probably too much to expect. Instead, we'll probably still be icy tomorrow. And more snow is in the forecast. Did I mention I hate snow...

Of work, that is. Meh. I'm so ready for this week to be over, but tomorrow should be fine anyhow. I mean, we only have 4 people here in the department, I get to be in the room I love, stressing out over getting everything done. Heh. I'm better than I was two days ago. Although today I found out that nestle crunches give me heartburn. =( I'm a sad panda, indeed. In other, not entirely about me news, Ariel has 4 weeks. A baby! I get to see a baby and play with one that I feel like I can take over. Ariel is the closest thing I have to a sister out here, so I'm gonna be like..an imaginary aunt. =) Jenn and I have a sushi date for Oct. 10th and I don't feel like it's going to get here fast enough, but I shall have to have some patience. It will be hard. Derek has a doctor's appt on Monday. I was trying to get a check up coinciding with it, but no such luck. The boy has a circular black spot on his foot. He is worried about it, and why shouldn't he be, he...

I've been thinking that my big mouth tends to get me in trouble. I lead with emotions, it's not a good thing. So I've been trying not to run my mouth as much lately. But I can see the collision coming. My brain seems to be in overdrive, and yet I'm not speaking of my problems. Some are too personal, some I know better than to talk about on the internet. It's never a good thing when my brain is in overdrive. I'm sure it doesn't help that this is my "other" allergy season. I can't tell you what I'm allergic too, the doctors don't know. I don't want to take the Sudafed that was the last resort. I may as well be asleep if I take that crap. So I wake up feeling like I'm coming down with something, and have felt this way for weeks now. My headache has been a steady, low pressure for this past week. Tylenol helps, but after it wears off, it comes right back. This is probably affecting my mood. Yesterday the bus seemed to be going pr...

That gave me the shin bruise. My fault really. I should not be allowed to walk around my own house. I thought I'd update. I had a hard week last week. I felt stressed and out of control of my life. I spent about 15 minutes composing a whole long email to someone about why I feel so stressed. But after re-reading it (yay for the internet), and putting a more positive spin on it, I didn't really feel the need to share it anymore. Would I be over sharing like I feel I usually do? Heh. I used to write in a diary all the time. Well, all the time when I was upset. The thing is, I forget I can still do that. Or I have some narcissistic need to have people read super personal things. So I may go back to hand writing when I'm really wound up. Otherwise people will just think I'm always angry. That's the way my diary has always sounded, super irritated. heh. Beyond any of that stuff; my kid has turned a new found corner of independence. I'm trying really hard to pull my o...

But I try to quit work about every two weeks. Today was hard. I've been working on a huge project and today I realized two things. 1. I've been going overboard. Did not need to do as much as I had been doing. 2. Someone went in and changed a bunch of things much easier, but in the WRONG spot. It will be fixed tonight, but I just refused to even look at that damn spreadsheet again after that. I tried on the shirt again this morning. I'm happier with it today. I may even wear it out of the house on Friday. =) We'll see. I miss Eileen, she is sick and I hope that she gets better soon. Last night, Derek told me that he thinks piercings are stupid. "Why would anyone even want to have a metal ring in their ear?" I retorted back with "I don't have a metal ring in my tongue", and he said..fine, barbell, whatever. I managed to prevent myself from telling him that I thought HE was stupid then, instead I told him..well, that's fine. That's because y...

Day 3 of back pain. Sometimes it seems fine and then it will twinge and I'm hurting all over again. It probably doesn't help that I'm overcompensating for the back strain by putting more weight on other places. Now my stomach is cramping and screaming at me. Could this have happened when I was working for 8 days in a row? Perhaps AFTER my birthday? I don't know if I'll make it without the damn doctor at this point. Last time it was this bad, I had to take vicodin and muscle relaxers. With a stern warning that the muscle relaxers were addictive. I didn't finish either prescription, I HATE taking pills, especially highly addictive ones. =( I'm still gonna have my damn party. I may be stoned on muscle relaxers, but there WILL be a party. =(

1. I just started a work week that is going to go through next Thursday. Yay for the money. I just hope I can hack it. 2. I've been cleaning while I'm not at work so that I can have my birthday party. Which brings us to.. 3. I tweaked my back something fierce yesterday doing normal stuff. I suppose the shopping the night before; nor the naughty time helped much. But the shopping needed to be done and the naughty time was worth it. So, for an update: Definite party goers : Jenn and family, Tammi (and family?), Eileen, Alma, Jess from work (I know a LOT of Jess'), Cat said she'd stop by (I'm thinking she meant Good Times as she didn't ask for directions. lol!), Sidney, Patrick, Ben and myself. Maybe : Becca (wouldn't that be awesome?), Liz and family (I really hope so!), um...that may be all of my "maybes". No idea: Heather mostly (Don't you love me anymore Heather?). Plus a few other people that I spammed with MySpace comments in the hopes ...

My attitude is not much better, as you can see. I'm torn between being hateful and wanting to cry. So far, both days this week I've talked myself into coming in. I've not felt like it, especially after being screwed royally by my boss yesterday, but I'm here. I make myself come in; only to find that 3 people have called in sick. I don't want to do anything today. I'm so goddamn angry, I don't want to work on the damnable schedule that helps my anger, I don't want to even look at my boss, let alone point out certain truths to her, like how a certain someone calls in sick when she has late shifts. If only I'd thought of that, cause boy it sure seems to be working for her. I'm just vile today. Don't mind me. Once I get past Wednesday, I should be fine. Another thing that would have screwed me? That I would have done to myself? I could have not been able to get home on that Sunday that I volunteered to work for (originally for O/T, although NOW...

WOOT! I'm caught up! I rock. Probably for about ten seconds. Meh. ------------------------------------------------------- Monday, June 16th Title: Attitude I'm full of it today. I'm trying to realize that it's all in the way I take it, but I'm kind of pissed. Situation: My boss appeared the be throwing around over time. Something that would be fantastic right about now..no kid to be neglecting, extra money for my birthday, yada yada. So I volunteered to work the 6th of July. The next week the over time became, "oh you can have a three day weekend instead." =( I just screwed myself into working two weekends in July now. And I just worked two weekends a month for the past 3 months beside that. =( At least 2 of those months are because I volunteered myself for it. Am I stupid or what? Pretty much. I'm doing my best to remember that it's not all about the money. But dammit! I also volunteered to work the 4th, and while it's time and a half for the ...

Suck. It hurts more today than yesterday, but at least my tailbone is better. It's just the back of my thigh that hurts. I can't bend over that leg, hurts too much. Tying my shoe was fun this morning. It's Deanna's last day today, and while it's fun to potluck, it's sad that she's going to be gone. I'm ready to sleep and hopefully hurt less, but alas, that's a long ways away still. We may have yard work to do on Saturday in any case, but if my leg hurts then it's going to be a problem. Maybe I can bribe Ben into doing the rest on his own? I suck. In any case, I'm tired, did I mention that? Obviously, my brain is not working so well. I know that my head is hurting, but mostly because I need to drink some water. So, my day? I did inventory, after a certain someone passed me by while I was limping down the street to our processing center. I've told about a million people about that, and they are going to give him the biggest amount of crap e...

Guess what? I'm forgetting to cross post again. I suck. This was from last Friday. --------------------------------------------- I bought "One Missed Call", I figured it would be a good distraction while the boys are gone. I lost it right around the child abuse part. I never handle those movies well. More in my preferred blog later. Which you can read, probably, just ask. I don't want to include people who don't want to know how goddamn out there I am. I'm not trying to exclude people, I just don't want to freak them out. Um. Yeah. So I was watching and I get to the last fucking half hour and the goddamn OnDemand fails! I'm so irritated right now. BOO CABLE! BOO! You suck. You better work after I unplug your ass. If I don't get to see the last half hour, someone is going to be unhappy, and I will make sure that I share that unhappiness. FUCK!