Random Thoughts

Another reason I love my guy…yeah, yeah like you guys want to hear this anymore right? Too bad. I was thinking about how it is to be with a new person and by be with, I mean be naked with. I used to be so worried about how this looked, or how that looked. Let me tell you, after 4 years, he knows how EVERYTHING looks, from multiple angles, I am sure. And it is just really wonderful to be with someone and not be self-conscious. I am sure part of it, is just that I am older now and worry about it less, but most of it came with time. I used to be so worried about it all that I think I only had sex in the dark, or under a blanket. And how much fun can sex be when you are worried the whole time about how you look? It's not, and I can usually only concentrate on the sex anyways, maybe that's what did it for me. *naughty grin* Whatever the case may be, I'm much better at it and it's better for me now that I don't think about it So today, I want to thank my boyfriend for put...

I've been noticing a lot lately that no one tells me anything. Ok, I am exaggerating a little, not really "no one". Some people tell me things. Here are my examples... I hardly ever hear Tara (at work) talk about herself or her homelife, or her thoughts, yet she gets all bent out of shape when I don't tell her something she considers is important. Maybe I didn't consider it important, but she wants me to tell her about it, I guess. It just doesn't seem to work both ways. The boyfriend looked mopey the other night when A came over. I was trying to pick on him and get him to smile.... apparently, I do the same thing to him when he isn't smiling, I think he is pissed, I had been a brat after losing Scrabble and I thought he was mad...or maybe the comment about having to always suck cock, I just meant the he always makes the drinks and I always suck the cock and he never has to. I thought it was funny, he might not have. I was just saying. ......Anyhow, he loo...

I've gotten about 20 fucking calls asking how late we are open tonight. It's fucking 7, OK? And if the DAMN computer dept doesn't pick up their phone soon, I am gonna go down there and shove the receiver up their ASSES! I know they are busy, maybe they could actually staff correctly, so that they could answer their calls. Or at least let me know when they are busy, so that I can inform people. Them hanging up on my didn't help. Can you tell I am REALLY starting to hurt here?

Let’s see, how to start this off...... I ran away from home at 15 (after finally realizing that nothing would change and I needed to escape while I was still relatively sane – so many factors, none of which I care to type about right now, maybe some day, but not today), and lived (and slept) mostly on campus for about 6 months. Back of the Emu, in parking garages, back of David’s car, and the occasional friend’s house, didn’t want to impose too much. My mother then had ANOTHER kid (boy, was I pissed!) and she was born 4 months premature. I moved back in with the idea that I could be there when my mom was at the hospital with her. That lasted about 6 months before she tried to re-introduce me to rules. Yeah, that went well after 6 months of complete freedom. I left again at 16, and started going back out with an old boyfriend. That was a little after the New Year, 1997. Actually, we were having sex around then; we didn’t start “going back out” again until 2/13/97. I know, because that ...

Here and here are people caring about me. What's funny is that s/he lied about it all more than likely. Medical profession, my ass. At least they aren't "helping" other poor souls. We can all be happy about that.

They are having me cover phones today, so not much for awhile. Maybe later after some peoples go home. I have a good one that I just have to flesh out. Good to me, anyways. It was brought up this weekend that I am too mean to myself. I would call it Self-deprecation, but it is more likely that I feel the need to make fun of myself before anyone else can. I've decided to do a whole long post about how cool I am, so that other people will know that I do appreciate myself, just not too much in front of others. Sorry if it bugs y'all to have me go on and on about myself.

Caught this on an Ipod Commercial and I LOVE IT! Feel Good Inc. Gorillaz (Feel Good.....) [Damon Albarn] City's breaking down on a camel’s back. They just have to go 'cos they dont hold back So all you fill the streets it’s appealing to see You wont get out the county, 'cos you're bad and free You've got a new horizon It's ephemeral style. A melancholy town where we never smile. And all I wanna hear is the message beep. My dreams, they've got to kiss, because I dont get sleep, no.. BEEP Windmill, Windmill for the land. Learn forever hand in hand Take it all in on your stride It is sticking, falling down Love forever love is free Let’s turn forever you and me Windmill, windmill for the land Is everybody in? [De La Soul] Laughing gas these hazmats, fast cats, Lining them up like ass cracks, Ladies, homies, at the track its my chocolate attack. Shit, I'm stepping in the heart of this here Care bear bumping in the heart of this here watch me as I gravitate h...

I love my Site counter. It was actually easy to set up and it tells me beautiful things. Like that someone, just today, looked for "Wampires"... I don't know what number I was on this search, cause I was so amused I had to come back and tell you all. Edit: I am 10th on a google search for wampires.. LMFAO! I can't make this shit up.

I am surrounded by classic rock music. I am not very amused by most classic rock music. Everyone of our customer service kids (I say kids cause they look younger than I feel - which prolly means the are technically younger than me) listens to this type of music. I guess I should be happy it's not gangsta rap, right? I keep thinking, oh maybe so and so will like this and then I listen to what they are listening to, and I am like, oh classic rock. If this is so prevalent, where the hell did I get my taste for music? How is it that kids who are close to my age all like classic rock music when I think most of it is not ok, to put it mildly. Prolly something to do with having to listen to my mother's music. I am still rebeling, in that I NEVER want to listen to the music my mother listens to. Besides Meatloaf - He's all right! This is really outta control. I haven't lived at home since I was 15 (with 6 months in there where I moved back in) and I am still rebeling. Will I ev...

Well, the weather has changed drastically, huh? Not really what I want to blog about, of course. What I am trying to say here is that we've finally figured out the summer and how Derek will spend half the time with me and half the time with Jake. I wanted to have my birthday "off", so Jake has decided it would be easiest to come and get Derek the weekend before and then bring him back a week before school starts. A damn good plan, really. Derek got to see his dad and boy was he crazy after they got back. I had to take him in the room and talk to him about his behavior, but he really pulled it together. Anyhow, I have the Tuesday that IS my birthday off from work, which of course means one thing.....I HAVE to go to Karaoke that Monday night. So, it's a date, in my head, anyways. Anyone wanna drag my ass there, or meet up there?

Ok, Ariel, I've put many call-outs to you this whole week, cause I am not getting any damn comments from you, even when I am being pointed. What about my wierd dream? What about me being the basketball? What about a haircut? I thought you were maybe outta town, but after reading coffeehouser, I realize you are not. Or at least you are finding time to read her. Unless you are the person who thinks I need Jenny Craig...*grin* What's up with that? I'm such a demanding bitch. *grin*

I end up on a search page with something called the "The Golden Cliterides". I am number 3, and they are 4 and 5. Someone was looking for "love is never enough." Too funny. I guess I am a bad influence. *cheeky grin*

On Google, I am sixth if you look for "the first penis I ever saw"... The sad thing is, I was just quoting the Dooce, to make people go and read her, cause she is funny as hell. Somehow on that search, she is seventh! I'm sorry, Dooce, I didn't mean to. I was only trying to introduce everyone to the wonder that is the Dooce !

This song snippet keeps going through my head. Don't criticize, you don't live my life. Cause I don't judge you, when I look in your eyes. That about sums it up perfectly.

I might have to stop the anonymous comments. Apparently the only people who leave them are going to form snap judgements of me based on how I look, and since I can't go and read their blog or anything, it really doesn't seem far, since I can't even try to read their stuff and see if they are reasonable people. I have to assume that they are jackasses. What follows is the wonderful comment I read right before I left work yesterday and my response. I should have been the bigger person (HAHAHA!) and not said anything cause of course they replied again. Anonymous said... all I can say is you need JENNY CRAIG, if it worked for kirstie alley, it'll probably work for you, take care of your health, you are pretty, but with all that flabb framing your bobne structure nobody can see it I replied of course, cause I am dumb. And pissed off. I got this back… Anonymous said... I know being skinny is overrated, its all about being healthy, just because you have a boyfriend that loves...

I'm mad as hell and when I am mad I have to listen to things like The Offspring. I will go into more detail later. I got a surprising comment last night and it kinda pissed me off. And I believe my DVD Player is broken. It wouldn't turn off this morning and when it did, it clicked and wouldn't turn back on to get the disc. Was there lightning last night that I didn't know about? Staring at the Sun The Offspring Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing It brings me down, but I won't let them If I seem bleak Well you'd be corrected And if I don't speak It's cause I got disconnected But I won't be burned up by the reflection Of the fire in your eyes As you're staring at the sun howooowoow As you're staring at the sun howooowoow As you're staring at the sun howooowoow As you're staring at the sun As you're staring at the sun! HEY...

I am number one for Google if you are looking for "Somewhere beyond the Sea." WOOHOO!

I threatened and it made my sis post at least. However, the NY confessions is gone. She has not updated in weeks and I am annoyed that I keep going there. Also, all you livejournalists got bumped up. It seemed fair, seeing as how I know you people and I don't know the other Bloggers IRL. Maybe I'm wrong, is it more fair to put them next since they are "Bloggers" like me? Fuck it anyways, needed a change. This is almost as good as dying my hair. And A, did you get outta town? Haven't heard from you in awhile, you must have. I thought for sure you would comment on my wierd dream involving you. I want to inquire as to how to bribe you to cut my hair? I would have the boy do it, but I am still a little gun shy after the last time. I'm the basketball.

Well, no lunch buddy today. I gave her ample opportunity too. I went in and asked if she'd had lunch and where she was going. So, I am dumb and rewarded myself with a Cherry Cheesecake Blizzard. Then I went to check up on a comment I left on someone's LJ and they deleted my comment! I was only trying to apologize to the one person left from the Coast trip who I hadn't yet. I guess she really has decided I am just too emotional and crazy and written me off. I guess you just can't win all the time. I thought she was nice though. Too bad. I'm not gonna lie and say it doesn't bug me. I guess I am too used to people liking me from the start.

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

I totally had something funny last night that I wanted to blog about, but I'll be damned if I can remember it now. So, instead, I am gonna put down my horoscope for the day from my calendar, cause it is SO fitting. "Mercury, the planet of mental activity, moves into chatterbox Gemini and the most sensitive sector of your chart. Learning to turn down the volume inside your head may be a challenge-but one well worth pursuing." So, am I supposed to try and find a knob somewhere that will turn them down?

Wish I knew how to surf, then I could get out into the middle of the water and not have any safety land. And A says I have a death wish, just because I want to be surrounded by water. What the hell is wrong with that? Surfin' USA The Beach Boys If everybody had an ocean Across the U. S. A. Then everybody'd be surfin' Like Californi-a You'd see 'em wearing their baggies Huarachi sandals too A bushy bushy blonde hairdo Surfin' U. S. A. You'd catch 'em surfin' at Del Mar Ventura County line Santa Cruz and Trestle Australia's Narrabeen All over Manhattan And down Doheny Way Everybody's gone surfin' Surfin' U.S.A. We'll all be planning that route We're gonna take real soon We're waxing down our surfboards We can't wait for June We'll all be gone for the summer We're on surfari to stay Tell the teacher we're surfin' Surfin' U. S. A. Haggerties and Swamies Pacific Palisades San Onofre and Sunset Redondo Be...

I am FIFTH on Google if you look up "Pencil Stabbing". How proud can I be? *grin* Also, number one is a site talking about reviews for Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2! WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME? I SAID, WHO WANTS TO FUCKING TOUCH ME?

Every so often, before a song or after one, he starts telling stories and here are some of them. Now bear with me here. I sat and listened, paused and typed, played, paused and typed. It was a pain in the ass, but I am hoping to make people understand. "This is a song about dating someone and thinking everything is fantastic. You met the one, and then you realize that he or she decides that it’s important for them to date other people while they are dating you and not tell you. So it’s essentially like you learn through the grapevine of the small community in which you live, that your person is making the horny-dirty with many other people. So this is a song essentially about sharing, letting go of the concept of it’s me, it’s me, it’s me and being more like it’s us. Here you go, you know, I hope you have a good time with my lady. As you can tell, I’ve let go of the sadness and anger, no, no, I’ve let go of the sadness, the anger is what drives me, everyday, to get up. And this gi...

I just tried to be a big copier and make a quiz, but everytime I needed to delete something, it would go backwards in the page instead. I give up, I AM SO FUCKING AGGRAVATED by it. So, screw it, who needs a quiz anyways. They're not really that cool! Sour Grapes and all that. *grin*

So the Talker does ALL that she can to get out of covering the customer service area. She was at a doctor's appointment today until (lucky enough) about 10 minutes before B came back. So, I covered the whole lunch. It was only half an hour, but I managed to get some guy who wanted 10 FUCKING gift certificates. We write them all out by hand and it was quite a job. But I did it with a smile, dammit. So, now C calls up for a break and The talker is like, no way, Des can do it. WHAT THE FUCK? Who is she to tell anyone what I can do? I tried to call up there and tell her why I didn't really want to cover it, but she just doesn't fucking hear anything that she doesn't want to, so she was like...oh, here's J. And I get on the phone with her and try to explain, but they figured it out. Again, without the Talker coming down. I just sent out an email to J, trying to explain myself, before I hear about it later. We'll see.

Maybe, maybe not. I am about to do one of my stupid things again. I am not going to ask Tara about lunch tomorrow and I am just gonna see if she asks me. I am wondering if I just sic myself on her and she doesn't have the energy to try to get rid of me. I don't know, she seems to enjoy lunch with me when we go, but she never initiates. I know this trial is stupid, I really do, but it never prevents me from doing it. Like not initiating sex until Ben has, who really benefits from that? I think he is amused when I get on him, but I still do these things. I used to do this all the time as a teenager. I would just stay away from Campus for awhile and then come back and see if anyone noticed. I don't know that anyone mentioned it. I guess I am really just setting myself up for disappointment, but it SUCKS being the one who initiates hanging out every time. So, if any of you don't here from me for awhile, that is more than likely why. I've decided that I don't know if...

I watched the Muppets Wizard of Oz last Friday. It was DAMN funny. The King Prawn was by far the funniest. I would recommend it to anyone with kids, although I think the King Prawn said something about being so sexy it hurts, and boy did I have fun trying to keep the kid from saying that. Everything else was pretty good. The best part was when someone was talking to the travelers saying something about.. "You don't work for She who must not be named?" Ben looked at me and I almost got goosebumps. So close to the tag here, and yet not quite. It was too funny. I had another wierd dream last night. I don't remember most of it, but I remember thinking in the shower "How do I get Ariel to stop being mad at me?" And then I thought...."What the hell is Ariel mad at me about?" The other day she said something about wanting to see me go off on someone. I think in my dream, I went off on her about something or other. And she got pissed and left. Which, in my...

Can you tell I am on a Fiona kick? I love her voice. It sure doesn't sound like she is some skinny little twig, like she is. I have such a crush. Also, full is not nearly as heavy as empty, my love....how can you not like a lyric like that. The music behind it is almost tropical, even though it isn't the happiest song. But is is a quick song, I usually listen to it a couple of times. First Taste Fiona Apple I lie in an early bed, thinking late thoughts waiting for the black to replace my blue I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught But daddy longlegs, I feel that I'm finally growing weary of waiting to be consumed by you Chorus: Give me the first taste Let it begin -- heaven cannot wait forever Darling, just start the chase -- I'll let you win but you must make the endeavor Oh, your love give me a heart contusion Adagio breezes fill my skin with sudden red Your hungry flirt borders intrusion I'm building memories on things we have n...

ASSTASTICAL! This is what my body does, it goes....Hey, let's freak her out. Oh, that's enough. Then I spend the whole Fucking day hoping my new underwear don't get FUCKING ruined.

is very good. I love how many books I get to read and get for free working here. This one was supposed to be returned, but they ripped the cover off and returned that instead...at least that is how I think it worked. I really liked this part though and it was almost at the very end, dammit. The rest of it wasn't so philosophical. Well, here it is.. "It seems we need someone to know us as we are -with all we have done-and forgive us. We need to tell. We need to be whole in someone's sight: Know this about me, and yet love me. Please ." From While I Was Gone by Sue Miller Jesus, that sounds like the story of my life. Listen to me, but still love me, even if I am crazy. *grin*

And damn early too. Which means I will more then likely have to deal with it for two weeks. Since it doesn't really go away until I start taking the pill again and not the spacers. WTF! I am taking the pill, isn't that supposed to negate the bleeding. My body could really give a shit less and instead just does what the fuck it wants. Can you tell I am pissed? This means no sex, for too long and irritability and my tummy hurting. Funny thing is my leg isn't cramping like normal. I'm sorry Ariel, I didn't mean to bitch about not getting any, but I wanted some reason why this pisses me off this much. Was the movie good?

trying to catch up on my friend Kate’s LJ. It’s been years since I’ve seen her. It just makes me think about how much I miss hanging out with the whole crowd on Campus. Not that I was the most popular one. I have a feeling that I was in fact annoying to some of them. Just the little kid tagging along. But maybe that was my own teenage inadequacies. It’s like thinking about old boyfriends and how much more entertained they would have been with me now, as opposed to my crazy ass then. I am far more assured of myself now and not quite the follower I used to be. It also makes me reflect on the how people don’t always stay together. I mean, I knew that, of course. But I was thinking about how Lenny and Jake were such good friends, at least in Jake’s mind, but he sure didn’t try to find Lenny when he had his wedding. He had someone like “PigJared” stand up there with him, but he didn’t try to find Lenny. And I’ve heard Lenny lives in Portland, as does Jake, yet no contact to my knowledge. I ...

ASSTASTICAL! Very nice voice, ummm, watch out for the language, though. I'm going to use this word all the time now.

Last night I had the whole house to myself. It was strange, but nice. Very quiet, but I got laundry folded and some things sewn up. Also, I played catch up with the Soap Opera tapes. I am caught up to last Monday. WOOHOO! At this rate, I might catch up with them entirely, which would be good since the boy hates them so much and complains bitterly for months about having to watch it once in awhile. The other day he went on and on about it and I don’t think I’ve “made” him watch it in months. In retribution, I made him watch some last weekend, cause I needed the tape to be free. He put up with it, but I will prolly hear about it later. He “has” to watch them so infrequently that he doesn’t even know what’s going on, and they don’t really change their story lines that fast. No sympathy here, can you tell?

Or more times than that. I am stealing another pic from Ariel, so that y'all can see how cute my child is. He is DAMN photogenic, I have NO idea where he got it from. Also, behind them you can see my messy room. The one on the right is Ariel's daughter. She stayed with us during the next day because she loves Sonic. Derek drove her crazy with Mario, though. The boy needs to learn some patience. I finally told them to turn it off and then they colored and I think she was much happier coloring.

Weird dream. I had a tiny spider bite me yesterday and it hurt a little and I have a bump. This translated into bees in my dream last night. I was just walking around and a bee implanted itself in my knee. It looked tiny, but when I had someone pull it out, it ended up being really thin, but VERY long. Somehow he hadn’t just stung me; he had planted himself in there. Within moments, my knee got swollen, and it looked funny but felt fine. Then later, some bees decided that my eyelids made a good resting place and I freaked out and tried to get them off and run like hell. Then I woke up….What the Fuck?

Never is a Promise Fiona Apple You'll never see the courage I know It's color's richness won't appear within your view I'll never glow the way that you glow Your presence dominates the judgements made on you But as the scenery grows I see in different lights The shades and shadows undulate in my perception My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights I understand what I am still too proud to mention...to you You'll say you understand, but you don't understand You'll say you'll never give up seeing eye to eye But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie You'll never touch these things that I hold The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own You'll never feel the heat of this soul My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown...to you You'll say don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high But never is a promise and you can't afford to ...

I have to talk about Saturday night, if only to steal pics from Ariel. That's right, I am stealing. Unfortunately, I don't see that she posted the terribly cute picture of the child. So, you can't see him today, I guess. Hopefully soon. Instead, I have drunk pics, VIA Ariel. I think I agree that the next one is better, but I was drinking and trying to make it work. But, here is my hair worn down. Then Do you like my cheap ass Pizza Pipeline cups? That outta bring back memories. This was me trying to walk to the store with Ariel. Here's my gorgeous boyfriend and Ariel, I was the one taking the pic. Do you like it? And for reference, here is me with hair up. So, up or down, people. Too long or just right? The floor is now open for discussion. I agree Ariel, I like this one. It turned out GOOD! And I usually hate my pics. Also, The PHONE is the basketball. I can't wait until someone turns it on, and has no clue. *grin* It fits, I mean.... "He's talking to the ...

Jake called me on Saturday. He left a message and called me “Desiree”. It bugs me, because I separate out work from friends with the name people call me. I think he does it just to piss me off. If I called him and called him “Jacob”, he prolly wouldn’t speak to me ever again. Hey, there’s an idea. Better yet, I could call him and call him his family nick-name, but I am not that mean. I hate talking to him on the phone and it ALWAYS comes up as caller ID not available. I NEVER answer the phone if I don’t know who it is. I wait for a message and make sure, then call back. By the way Ariel, that payphone outside of Joe’s has a Manhattan area code. I think it was Manhattan. I believe it was 609. Kinda weird. He left me a not-very-helpful message, just saying to call him back. I figured either he got the letter already, cause it flew there –yeah, right, or he wanted to tell me that he wouldn’t be paying me this month. I waited it out all day Saturday, by the time I got drunk enough to be ab...

#1 Crush Garbage I would die for you I would die for you I've been dying just to feel you by my side To know that you're mine I will cry for you I will cry for you I will wash away your pain with all my tears And drown your fear I will pray for you I will pray for you I will sell my soul for something pure and true Someone like you See your face every place that I walk in Hear your voice every time I am talking You will believe in me And I will never be ignored I will burn for you Feel pain for you I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart And tear it apart I will lie for you Beg and steal for you I will crawl on hands and knees until you see You're just like me Violate all the love that I'm missing Throw away all the pain that I'm living You will believe in me And I can never be ignored I would die for you I would kill for you I will steal for you I'd do time for you I would wait for you I'd make room for you I'd sinkships for you To be close to ...

Fuck yeah, I am OUTTA here. Letter to Jake complete. Week complete. Yay, I get Monday off. There better be comments when I get back on Tuesday, or there will be spankings. *evil grin*

I’m still trying to find someone to help me with my Matt Nathanson obsession. I have some songs I found on Windows Media Player that only tell me they were done live at DePauw University. Normally, I would just buy a CD, but this is some funny shit live. I LOVE it, and they don’t have it anywhere on a CD. I am a sad panda. :( If anyone really loves me and can find it, I would be their slave. Matt Nathanson and Matt Fish together, I guess. Not that I care about the other Matt. Ariel, I think you would like it. Oh and Ariel, Look for Daddies Music. There you go, it's your reminder.

Jake’s check is STILL not here. That motherfucker! I am so angry. I have typed out a letter and I am gonna send it, in my own chickenshit fashion. God forbid I should have to talk to that boy on the phone. He likes it when I can get it out, cause he knows that I have a hard time, at least that is what he says. I think he likes making me crazy and especially making me LOOK crazy in front of other people when I get upset and start crying cause I am so fucking angry. It doesn’t really matter what emotion is underneath, I am gonna start fucking crying. It’s so goddamn retarded. Also, the lottery ticket is TOTALLY FAKE. Apparently, if you turn it over and look at the back it says anything over 10,000 must be sent in with a claim form. Then it says you can get the claim form from Santa Claus and it needs to be verified by the Tooth Fairy. Someone’s idea of a sick joke apparently. Also, I was informed at lunch that we are going to the Talker’s house for the 4th of July. We as in Derek, Ben, a...

Oh my fucking god, it would appear that the great internet is letting me on. YAY! Prepare for a barrage of shit.

about putting LiveJournal links under their own heading. Should I? And can I put your's down Jen? I wonder if That Girl or Kate would care if I put links up? Let me know, if you're reading. The links actually help me when I am at someone else's computer, so that I can hit all my favorite sites. Also, thinking about removing the ones that NEVER post, you know who you are. Tammi does it just enough, but little sis, you are seriously waning and school is almost out, so maybe you are busy? Don't know, miss hearing from you.

This coughing is making me burp. That doesn't make any sense, right? I don't know people. I keep burping and it's all of the sudden, so I can't even try to stifle it, it just pops out all loud and I am always surprised. Apparently now, I am getting the gas out in other ways. Y'all shoulda just heard the one I let rip. At least it doesn't smell, I hope, I don't think I can smell too well. No one is dying, so I guess it's ok. Isn't that a GREAT thing to think about.

about this head cold is that I don't appear to be heading for the Ear infection like I've seemed to every time I've gotten a head cold recently. I don't need to go to the damn doctor again. I HATE antibiotics, they suck. They end up giving me other infections....yucky painful infections. Plus, they totally make my birth control null and void. What is the fucking point?

about being sick is that I can't do my quiet little singing when I can't stand not singing. I prolly can't sing at all, but I really can't do it quietly, under my breath, like I am sure y'all notice. I couldn't quite control myself on the way back from Portland. Instead, I just lipsynch, which looks dumb as hell when there is no music to back it up, I am sure. When have I ever had a problem with looking dumb? Prolly in high school. Derek seems to be abnormally pre-occupied with how he looks, it must be school. All the time, we get "but I'll look dumb."

I being told left and right that although I feel better, I sound worse. YAY! I am a little horse....NEIGHH! ok, bad joke I do feel better though. A little less congested, and I didn't cough myself awake last night. I just sound like a man... Ok, maybe not a man. Yay, it's friday and payday, not that I have ANY money left after I pay my damn rent. Still, it's nice cause I know I am going out to lunch. I love not having to make lunch in the morning. Yes, I am spending money that I shouldn't but as long as the sperm donor sends his check soon, it will all be fine.

I went to the dark side. I signed up for a name with LiveJournal. I was trying to help Kate out with a question but it told me she didn't accept Anonymous comments. So, I figured, fuck it, I will just sign up. I went through all that only to have it tell me that only friends can comment. Why didn't it just say that in the first fucking place. AHH! Anyhow, now that I have a livejournal account, I can make comments where ever I like, so there. *grin*

Whatever (I had a dream) Butthole Surfers Peace... I hate the word As I hate hell All Montagues I had a dream last night... 'Cause it looked just like a dream I had a dream last night... But it looked unlike a dream Mercy, mercy I'm made of heart Make me a suit so I can get it off Heaven help me, my head's spinnin' round Stop this airplane cuz I got to get down! I had a dream last night... And it fit me like a glove I had a dream last night... And it fit me like a glove Right on... Haha Here's to the Montagues John Wayne and Betty Davis And Romeo...he waved before A chorus girl in Vegas Yeah!! Juliet is up in heaven A pocket full of pills And Jesus drives to Mexico To get her prescription filled! I had a dream last night... And it fit me like a glove It was a scream last night It was gettin' kinda fun Yeah, rock out, whatever! I had a dream last night... Because she looked just like a dream I had a dream last night... Because she looked just like a d...

The boy and I have been talking about this whole thing between his parents. He looked at me and said something about being glad that I am not crazy. I, of course, had to inform him that I am in fact crazy sometimes. It's just that I know how to keep from acting on my crazy thoughts. I think what we both meant was that I am not certifiably crazy, I don't have to take medication...(not that I am talking down to people who do...all the more power to you, if it helps.) Last night the kid came down the hall and asked us how you spell "emporer"? We tell him and then he comes back and he goes "ok, then what does U-A-M-P-I-R-E spell?" Right about here, I start to realize that my book (The Vampire Lestat - I am still trying to find those quotes that speak to me - I found one) has made it's way to the back of the toilet. Me and Ben start cracking jokes about Wampires and then tell Derek that he means V and not U and it spells Vampire. I'm tainting the kid, slo...

I am heading to the dangerous place again. The place that makes me go...."OH MY FUCKING GOD, I am almost 25, and not married." What I need to remember when I try to go to the dark side, is that not asking me to marry him after 4 years doesn't mean he doesn't care. I'm sure part of his phobia is that he was so very involved with a crazy bitch once upon a time. She had his kid. A kid he's seen less than the number of fingers on one hand. I don't care to remember bitch's name. The kid's name is Angelica and she is older than Derek...and maybe somewhere in California. Bitch doesn't inform him at all about his daughter. Since he doesn't know the kid, at least he doesn't miss her. As he puts it "she let me touch her." I feel so bad for teenage boys who will put up with crazy bitchs cause of this. It was only too easy for me to screw around. Apparently not so with boys who haven't quite grown into their bodies. Somedays, I wish w...

Team America is at my house right this fucking minute. AHHH! Puppet sex and all sorts of grand things. When you gonna come over and watch it, Ariel?

Cramping tummy for no reason and my nipple hurts. It doesn’t get any fucking better than this. I just (hopefully) unobtrusively stuck a folded up tissue into my bra so that the poor little nipple doesn’t rub anymore. Hopefully that will help. That DAMN lottery ticket is still there too. It’s taunting me. It really is. As for the stomach, I don't know. It is prolly stress, but it feels like the flu that made me want to throw up so badly. Maybe I have a combination cold/flu. It hurts. And my head feels stupid. Oh yeah, my head hurts too. If anyone could hear me, you would hear how lovely my voice sounds after coughing myself awake for 4 fucking nights. Looking forward to it tonight as well. YAY!

Automatic TLC I remember when I fell for you It wasn't when I wanted to But you were acting so into me Au-to-matic Think real good for Martha too Just like every relationship We gotta earn the trust too And can't get it baby I know many start to changed We could never be the same I could do it when you do it to me Au-to-matic I know if it came to be We could get a chance to see A side of each other That we'd all hidden up Chorus: What do you do to make me feel So good for so long Then take it back And expect me to be alone I can get cold But if you're gonna do me wrong I'll get you back Baby that's just just automatic I remember when I met The man with all the confidence Every day was promises to me Au-to-matic Then you step way out of line Cheat on me too many times I'm trynna put you down All that comes around goes back around (yeah) I know many start to changed We could never be the same I could do it when you do it to me Au-to-matic I know if it came to ...

(by the way, I LOVE this song and don’t have it anywhere…BROAD hint) I got to go to the OCEAN, people! It was crazy and wonderful. We headed out about 11 in the morning. We got to eat at Joe’s. Now I know what A was talking about. I am totally going to steal her pictures and use them here, cause I have no digital camera. That's me on the far right in the blue tank top. Gotta show the breasts. They need air. The funniest thing about the trip there was when we went past a sign and I started cracking up. I totally interrupted poor Tara. The sign was handmade and at the beginning of someone’s driveway. It said….”No Jake Please.” Oh my god, that is SO my sign. I would be in so much trouble if I put that on my lawn, but I can think it. I am one of those people who will always go into the Ocean, to get soaking, fucking wet. I AM, always. It could be fucking December and I will more than likely go in at least once. It isn’t cold to me, I don’t know, I guess I am crazy. My little crab got...

What is wrong with me? If I open my mouth the wrong way I spray spit. I don’t even do it intentionally, it’s like some duct is just flinging little droplets out. It’s really strange, strange enough to get me money? I don’t know, I can’t really do it on command. Also, I get this weird build up of mucus (?) in the back of my throat and then all the sudden, it will come loose and just fall out when I am spitting. It’s disgusting and something I have never heard anyone else talk about. WTF? This shit isn't even just when I am sick. This shit happens all the time.

Brief aside….feeling like crap and un-loved. I’m sure everyone is busy, but I was expecting some comments people. Not to mention my lunch buddy just took someone else out and they are all giggly. I want to be giggly. Also, there is (if I am right) a 50,000 dollar lottery ticket that someone found and put on the board in the back. It seems off, who would lose 50,000 dollars? I am so fucking tempted, although someone else has prolly already grabbed it and ran. My nose is running and sore. Everytime I sneeze, my ears block. Last night I was wheezing. I so want to be at home. I think I might have a fever. If I grabbed that lottery ticket (that is prolly a trick), it wouldn't matter how long I was sick, or if I even HAD a job for awhile. UGH!

Mr. Brightside The Killers Coming out of my cage And I've been doin' just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss It was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep And she's calling a cab While he's having a smoke And she's taking a drag Now they're going to bed And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head But she's touching his chest now He takes off her dress now Let me go And I just can't look It's killing me And taking control Jealousy Turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibis But it's just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes Cus i'm Mr. Brightside I'm coming out of my cage And I've been doin' just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss It was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep And she's cal...

I had so much fun Friday night. Hung out at the house until around 9 or so. Called Karina and Magenta and headed out after a bit. Hit two porn stores in short order. I got two for the price of one. *grin* Ended up at Exclusively Adult, my most visited one. It's closest to my house and I kinda like it, really. Learned some things, Like, I am so VERY observant /sarcasm. It took me until now to realize that the Olivia books at the porn store were also above the counter, so you could actually look at them. At $35.00 it's kinda of nice to know what you are getting. I didn't notice they were there until Karina was paying. I was avoiding eye contact with the counter guy who tried to make a joke, but failed miserably. He said something about trying out a product that night and then did the usual, which is "oh, did I say that out loud?" What a dork! I also found out that if you ask the coffee guy to remove his towel, he won't. Mags was trying so hard, but the guy was l...

Switch Will Smith Switch Alright ready Come on man, this is what I do Yo mic check, mic check, yeah here you go Nah, he over here Yeah, I heard he got that hot new thing It's called 'Switch' (switch) Let's get it going [chorus] Switch, turn it over and hit it Turn around, now switch Turn it over and hit it Ooh, la, la, la Hey, vibe to vibe a second It's a club girl, why you arrived naked Hear that, how the veteran glide the record But don't download, go out and buy the record Hey, something sexy bout her Girl on the floor, all her friends around her I mean real clean, ain't gotta touch or nothing It ain't like I like a chick on chick or something I'm just a sucker for a hot track Gimme a drink and a chick to tell 'Stop that' Dance is a hop and a clap, flip it round Now bring it on back, break it down Now switch [chorus] Uh uh uh I gotta question, I need to ask somebody Why is it that when y'all see me at the party Y'all be looking lik...

It's fantastically amazing how little time it takes for shit to go wrong. I stayed home today, as if you couldn't tell, because my throat is not good. Bad cough, little sleep, wierd whistling noise when I breath. Yeah, not good. All the cigarettes I smoked on my road trip prolly didn't help. How am I typing this now, you might ask? I am at Ben's house, hoping his dad doesn't go crazy again. It seems that his step-mom called today and told his dad she wanted a divorce. He freaked out and broke some stuff and ended up being taken to the hospital. Ben just left for a few minutes, so I am manning the house, and hoping to god nothing goes wrong. PLEASE, PLEASE, let everything be ok. Not sure if I am praying to god or what. Ben was called and asked to come home at about 5:00 today, which was when we decided how we were going to do this. We are driving Derek to school in the morning and then he will be dropping me at the house so I can catch a bus at the right time. It...

I'm outta here. THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY! Everyone have fun, I am hopefully going to the porn store. WOOHOO! Oh and check out Will Smith - Switch for a good beat. LOVE IT! I want it so badly, as does Tara. She doesn't want to buy the whole album though, so no sharing. :(

I am the PORN store queen, Karina says so. I can't link up here due to restrictions, but her post today was funny as hell.

I'm breaking out still. I am one big splotchy mess. Why does my face get so red so easily, and why do I get the damn blackheads so easily? Ick, anyone know of a fantastic product that will get rid of them?

Here is an addendum to my post about the boy waking me up at night. Last time, Wednesday (when I got no sleep), he was only trying to go to sleep himself. He said that I started making “yummy” noises at him, so he figured what the hell? I asked him if he meant actual yummy noises…like….”mmm” or what. He was like no, like happy noises. He is SO cute. He meant “yummy” to him. Yay, I make “yummy” noises! *super happy grin*

A, this is just for you honey. The devil (our CFO) came in today and asked the boss to help her with something hard. After a second, she says….”It’s Canadian.” I almost busted out laughing. That is SO Canadian! It was something about transferring Canadian Money into our money for re-imbursing the petty cash….wasn’t that WAY more than anyone wanted to know? *grin*

NOT TO BE DISCUSSED OUTSIDE OF THIS BLOG – Boyfriend gets weird when I tell everyone “his” business, but it affects me too. Ben informed me last night, rather nonchalantly, that his parents are not going to be living together anymore. Apparently, they had an argument and his step-mother threw the phone at his Dad. Ben doesn’t really mind, I guess. He didn’t really like his Step-mother, and never really has. I always thought she was nice, but I never had to live with her, so what do I know? What really threw me is all the crap I keep hearing about people resorting to violence. I would NEVER smack, hit, throw things at my boyfriend. His Dad said that she could move back in if she took an anger management course and a financial help course. Apparently, she REALLY likes to spend money and they don’t really have the amount they used to. Ben said his Dad doesn’t think she will be able to pass either one; so I guess she won’t be moving back in. Why does this affect me? I got really strange la...

There is dissention among the ranks. It is cake day and everyone better watch out if my boss doesn't get a piece. It's like cheesecake war around here.

In honor of Friday the 13th, here is a good song relating to my lovely Nightmare on Elm Street Series. *grin* Nightmare on My Street Will Smith Now I have a story that I'd like to tell About this guy, you all know me I was scared as hell He comes to me at night when I crawl into bed He's burnt up like a weenie and his name is Fred He wears the same hat and sweater every single day And even if it's hot outside, he wears it anyway! He's gone when I'm awake, but he shows up when I sleep I can't believe that there's a nightmare, on my street! It was a Saturday evening if I remember it right And we had just gotten back off of tour last night So the gang and I thought that it would be groovy If we summoned up the posse and bumrushed the movie I got Angie, Jeff got Tina Ready Rock got some girl I've never seen in my life That was alright though, 'cuz lady was chill Then we dipped to the theatre set to ill Buggin' , cold havin' a ball And somethin...

I have been flipping people off a LOT lately. It has to do with South Park and Craig, who flips everyone off. His whole family does it. He just flips people off, nonchalantly and when they are like…”Craig, did you just flip me off?” he says no and does it again. People don’t expect me to flip them off. I got told I was “being saucy” (I kinda like that, don’t know why) and people always looks at me like I’ve gone crazy the first time I do it. Today, Tara was giving me shit about the check run (every Thursday I come in and SO many people ask me…When is the check run going to be done?, over and over, and it doesn’t even center solely around me, but whatever) and she was following me around asking when the check run was gonna be done (all in fun) and I put my hand behind my back and flipped her off, cause she was behind me…She was like…WHOA! This was of course after Brandy gave me shit about the check run and asked when it was gonna be done. I know her and Tara give each other crap all the...

Why did I stay here for 11 hours today? Because I need to pay the rent. My boyfriend is prolly annoyed that he had to get up and would like me to be home seeing him. As would my son, I am sure. I would like to see them more. Well, I would like to see the kid more when I am not around him. *grin* Just kidding. So, I end up feeling bad, which we all already know is my specialty. If I’m not feeling guilty, then I am gonna be worrying instead. Some happy life, really. But sitting here today after the innocent comment from Ben asking if I was getting off early today, I started thinking that I don’t think either of them really get how important all this is. A few hours can make the difference in being able to pay the rent, especially since it just went up. Derek really has no idea. Ben, I’m sure being an adult, has some concept of it. But I don’t think people really “get it” until they’ve had to worry about paying the bills. Rent and everything. And I am kinda pissed that some people never h...

1. Don’t bathe in the cologne before you leave the house. I don’t like people smelling bad, but I also don’t like people who reek of cologne or perfume. It tends to give me a headache. 2. Don’t ask me the price of an item when it is clearly marked and then when I point to the price tag because I am too afraid to open my mouth and taste your cologne, look around for it some more. That makes me think you are stupid and I am not fond of stupid people. 3. Don’t tell me you have a 10 percent discount AFTER I ring up your total sale of $68.40. 4. Then when I decide to do it again and fill out an overring slip, don’t insist on showing me the card that the person who gave you the discount gave you. I don’t care enough to argue with you, I am already giving you the discount. Also, when you pull out the card and I see that it says…10 percent off a t-shirt (when you are buying party favors), I am gonna be more angry. Because I am already doing it, but now I know it wasn’t necessary and I could po...

I convinced Ben that he needed to stay the night last night. It wasn’t terribly hard, really. *grin* I fell asleep at about 11:30 (which is late for me) and was woken up at around 2:15. And I do have to share that he is really getting it. If you just play with the boobs, I am not gonna be that amused. So, he has started rubbing my back and playing with my hair. Which works much better. It was much fun and all, and I am trying not to complain, but I am TIRED as hell. Not just because he woke me up, but because I tossed and turned and didn’t really fall back asleep at all afterwards. I gave up at 4:30 and decided to try lying on the couch. I am bad and I usually fall asleep with the TV on. I think this has something to do with why I couldn’t fall back asleep. The boy needs complete silence, and I need noise….but NOT his snoring. I swear, I wanted to pinch him, but I refrained and moved to the couch. I turned on the TV in my living room and switched to the digital music channel. Then toss...

The Hand That Feeds Nine Inch Nails you're keeping in step in the line got your chin held high and you feel just fine because you do what you're told but inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold just how deep do you believe? will you bite the hand that feeds? will you chew until it bleeds? can you get up off your knees? are you brave enough to see? do you want to change it? what if this whole crusade's a charade and behind it all there's a price to be paid for the blood on which we dine justified in the name of the holy and the divine just how deep do you believe? will you bite the hand that feeds? will you chew until it bleeds? can you get up off your knees? are you brave enough to see? do you want to change it? so naïve to keep holding on to what I want to believe i can see but i keep holding on and on and on and on will you bite the hand that feeds you? will you stay down on your knees?

Tara complimented me today and said she loves my hair down. I only leave it down when I don't have the time or energy to do anything with it, and it must be freshly washed, cause I have the "stringy hair". Other people don't really notice a difference, unless I have been wearing my hair up all the time and then I leave it down, like in the summer. One even mentioned my hair being down and seemed wierdly uncomfortable with it....um, do you want me to put my hair up for you, J? A few say, "wow, your hair is getting long." Yep, that's what it does. That ranks right up there with.."your son is so tall." I know, do you think I don't? So, here is my dilemma, I don't really know which way it looks better. It makes my face look thinner when it is down, but it annoys the hell outta me. It gets in my face and in my food and it generally pisses me off, especially when it is windy. When I put it up nice (instead of my usual pony-tail), I get all so...

So, I thought I would share one of my funnier stories, at least I think so. I was hugely pregnant, talking 8 ½ months pregnant and I was wandering around downtown Eugene with my friend Heather A. We had just been walking around when we decided to see what was going on at ACE (Actor’s Cabaret of Eugene). Instead of looking for a poster like normal people, (come on, we were 17 year old girls!) we decide to press our eyes to the little, tiny area in the window where you can actually see in. Do you know what we saw? Do you want to know? Too bad, I am gonna tell you anyways. We saw a boy (she says we went to high school with him, I don’t really remember him) in a GOLD bikini. Tiny little bikini. Cute boy too. Can you all guess what they were doing? Not having sex, you perverts, it was time for ROCKY HORROR! We did what we could to see how much we could and finally gave up. Right then and there we decided we HAD to go back the next weekend. There is not always a chance to see ROCKY HORROR li...

I had this wonderful post awhile back about how Porn has made me a better person, but I lost it. I am going to try and re-create it for you all. I really hope Blogger isn’t censoring me. I mean, I type Porn and Fuck all the time, so why would it just delete a less than appropriate post? Prolly not, more likely it was damn blogger getting me down and refusing to post right. Those BUTTFUCKERS! I like that word, I like the way it rolls off the tongue. Does that make me wrong? Anyways, what I was posting about originally was how I was reading an article about the over-sexing of the nation. Since porn is so readily available, people are going to move farther and farther from “the norm” where sex is considered. If they are of consenting age and use proper precaution, who the hell cares? What people do is their own business, honestly. I wouldn’t let my 7 year old look at porn of course, this again comes down to the parents taking responsibility. I wanted to share that I love porn, I have been...

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. Mrs. Albini? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. Mrs. Albini, that is very unusual. How old are you?" Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Albini, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

So I resolved this problem finally. I was DAMN resolved not to pay these people back. I got it resolved. They decided we were being such a pain about it that they would just write it off. You’d think I would be fucking ecstatic with how much time and effort this fucking took, but there isn’t any fucking recognition around here. One a year, at my review, I hear about if I am doing good. Occasionally, someone takes the accountants out to lunch for this or that. I NEVER feel like I’ve earned those lunches, but I feel like I should get some joy from people about this. They are more than happy enough to jump in and get all pissed about it with me, but no one says, “Hey, good job.” They aren’t even happy for me. My boss is just like, That’s nice, blah, blah, blah. I know, it’s my job and I should just be happy I don’t have to deal with them anymore. At least until the next time, but I want a fucking pat on the back, people! Just some form of recognition that I did a DAMN good job this time....

I am so righteously pissed off already and I just got to work. Actually, it has nothing to do with work today, surprise, surprise. Hey, don’t look so shocked! I am pissed because I saw a friend of mine, Marcia, on the way from dropping Derek off this morning. Not because I don’t like her, it was the way she looked. It was awful. Her face is swollen and bruised all up her right side. She has a HUGE black eye and her eye is completely red on one side, where it should be white. She asked me if I had heard the news and I had heard a little, but I played dumb. I try to avoid the drama, especially when it is this bad. When J (stupid guy friend from before) came over, he had mentioned something about it, but didn’t really go into details. He thrives on the drama and likes to bring it to my house, and then wonders why I don’t really like seeing him much anymore. I should have known there was something up when he didn’t go into much details, just said that Ben Hart (was this the Reverend Ben he...