Random Thoughts

Since I was 16 and pregnant, I've had at least one job. I'm so tired of fucking working and having to do what someone else tells me to do so I can get paid less than I feel I am worth. I have so long until retirement. This is all I am, a cog in the middle class rat race. Because I am a control freak who will never depend on anyone else, this is just how it works I guess.  Too many times did I hear "Well, I'll just leave then." "I'll get you for child support!" "I'll work under the table!"..probably along with a few choice words like the C word thrown in (my least favorite)...  He never left for long. Except that one summer when child protective services made him. That summer my mother had to apply for welfare. She did not like that.  So no. I will never depend on anyone. I don't have the trust for that. And I can only control myself and what I do. This whole kidult being fired thing only shows me that I should never have tho...

I'm the dumbest bitch ever. I just keep trying with this place and they just keep piling it on. Derek and I can't BOTH be out of work so I've stalled on checking out other positions. Sure guys, I can be ALL of A/P and since we have 3 goddamn people, I can be ALL of Accounting when one calls in sick and the other is in meetings all the time. Really I'm just grumpy because it's the beginning of the term and Ben is waiting for his blood draw and results and today is not a good d ay.  I wanted to call in. I thought about it momentarily, but figured I should show in case B was still out sick... you know, because then we'd have NO ONE in the department in the office. Good call when your accounting team is so fucking small two people can't be out sick or on vacation at the same time. They'll probably be all "we don't know why she lost her shit and quit" when I finally break. Which just makes me want to laugh maniacally.  Yesterday...

As a 16 year old, I was an idiot. This is not surprising as most 16 year olds think they know a lot more than they do. I was spectacular though, ending up pregnant at 16 because “it couldn’t happen to me”…yeah. I’ll wait while you stop laughing. After confirming what I already knew at the appointment I was at to get on birth control (YES. I KNOW. IRONY), I had some choices to make. I make no secret of the fact that I looked at ALL options. Ultimately, I decided abortion was not the choice (but at least I had the choice to make!) and that adoption could mean that he was raised by monsters. People with fake faces who looked fine to the outside world. So, I figured I could be a mom. Why not. I’d always loved babies and babysitting. (yes, I’ll wait again while you laugh) I told Jake that I was going to have this baby and if he didn’t want to, he needed to leave then. I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate or anything. He said he was going to stay. I was trying to give him ...

Y'all! I wrote a real thing that seemed to get almost a following on facebook, so maybe I should put it here. Why not? ----------------------------------- It keeps happening. I sit down on the bus, with relatively low ridership. Someone feels the need to sit next to me.   The first time, it was apparent VERY quickly that she wasn’t feeling comfortable, so I tried hard to make myself smaller. To become less than. I try turning my shoulders inward and putting both hands together between my legs, I don’t dare move. I don’t dare take my iPod out of my pocket to switch songs. Because I might bump into her or knock her out of the seat she is so delicately perched on. Because my ass is larger than she thought. It’s cute how people will move when I say excuse me, but only a slight movement. If I know you well enough, I laugh and tell you how cute it is that you think my ass is actually that small.   She looks kind of frail. I’m immediately sorry I chose this seat. Sho...

It’s dark. It always happens at night. How do memories play out that it’s always dark in this scenario? Wouldn’t it have ever been summer while I was growing up? Anyhow, it’s dark. We’re in a room, hiding. I’ve taken the little ones and we have holed up in our bedroom. OUR bedroom, for all of us kids, 3-4 of us depending on what year it was. I shush them and try to distract them from the loud noises. From the yelling. From the fighting. What are we hiding from? Terrorists? Bad men? Drug lords and/or kingpins? Monsters in some wicked nightmare I am having? No, I am hiding them from our parents. The “monsters” are just the adults in our life right now. Well only one is my parent. The other one I am told I should be more thankful for. Whatever would we do without him? How would we survive? I should be more thankful towards him. “He’s taken care of us when your dad didn’t”, I hear this all the time. I am hiding them because they are on a drunken bender again where one of th...