Random Thoughts

Trying to explain a shitty life, shitty parents, teenage hormones on top of it all, to someone who’s always had “normal” (whatever the hell that is) parents. It’s pretty much impossible. As Michael pointed out, they have no point of reference. This thing with Ben’s kid is heartbreaking to me. I remember being 15, thinking no one wanted or cared about me, a mother who was too drunk/wasted on drugs to care. I remember wishing things were different, listening to mom and Mike fight when they were drunk as I tried to be the adult for my sisters and shield them from it, running away when it all became too fucking much for me to handle. The catalyst to my running away wasn’t even Mike in the beginning or at least that wasn’t my main concern. I’d figured out how to deflect him and use his attention for my own purposes. If I wanted something, I’d be nice and if I didn’t need anything, I’d be a fucking bitch to him so he wouldn’t want to be near me. Sadly, I think that’s something I still use to...

I've been thinking a lot lately and while that usually means Ben bears the brunt of my crazy..well..I've had other things on my mind. Not that he doesn't get the brunt of my random bouts of crazy....it still happens. I'm tired of death, I suppose everyone who's had to deal with it at all is. Christmas makes things harder....I kept wishing for a phone call that would never come. Dad would always call on my birthday and on Christmas. While we didn't have a lot of contact besides that, those were set in stone. So yeah, this particular Christmas was hard. I think I was still numb last year and he still "saved" my Christmas since my step mom sent that $500 check. He'd saved Christmas so many times...this one I knew I was on my own and it's been depressing. They say money doesn't solve everything, but it certainly helps. I stress less, I know that. The talker was like..well, Christmas is also about family and I shut her down pretty quickly with ...

I just realized something. NONE of my siblings (that lived with me, one is) are married. Some of them can't be, as they are too young, so that skews the odds, but Misty is at least as old as my mom was when she got married to my dad. I just think it's weird that the only person married is the one who didn't grow up with our mother all those times she was (unhappily) married. Marriage and hard and scary. It looks like that from my point of view. Perhaps theirs as well. Don't get me wrong, I beat my mom by a good 4 years when I got pregnant, and I think she might have miscarried before me, so maybe I only have 3 years on her? Still I beat her at that. And I'm still not married. And I only have one kid. And I'm only gonna have one kid. Will I ever be married? I really like the idea of the wedding, I think, and I don't imagine it's much different than living together. Except part of me is not sure of that at all. Will we take each other for granted? Will we ...

I dreamt of rabbits last night. Or more like this morning after hitting the snooze button. For some reason there were like a million rabbits and they were all in this room. I was hanging out with the kids in my immediate family and taking care of them for some reason, and HE came in and said, "See, you like being a family with them, why couldn't you be a family with all of us?".I almost immediately felt sick to my stomach. Seriously? He's a LARGE part of the reason why I could no longer stomach my home life. Why I slept on the street and stayed with all sorts of friends. Why I stayed at Station 7. As with all thoughts of him, I get sick, and then angry. Then I start to remember how much I really dislike my mother. Cause SHE was SUPPOSED to protect ME. I was her kid, he was only her husband. I was flesh and blood. It's not been the most fantastic day. I feel like I've had a sore throat coming on for weeks now. Just when I thought I was getting better, I...

I was thinking about my Grandma recently. As you all know. So, I went on to MySpace and messaged my mom on April 11th to see if she has any pictures of Grandma. Anything I might be able to have to feel closer to her. My mom said that she had a conference to go to, but that she would look when she got back. Actually, what she said was, "Desi, Sure sweetie. I am really busy this weekend, going to Casper for a conference but I will do it as soon as I can. I love you and miss you big time! Mom" I wrote back on April 12th: "Thanks mom. I hope your conference goes (went?) well. I miss you all too. I looked into the Greyhound, but it would take me three days to get there. I don't know if I'm not looking at it right or what, but that just seems like so long. I don't think Derek would like being on the bus for 3 days, and then have to turn around and go back. =(" From Mom (on April 16th): "Desi, I will check into the bus for u too. It didn't take us that...

"I don't know where this road is going to lead. All I know is where we've been, and what we've been through." I'm starting to get into my older CDs. All the ones from the 90's. With things like Boys II Men. Why are all my older songs so sad? Or angry as hell? Apparently, those were my only two emotions as a teenager. I wouldn't be a teenager again for any amount of money. I actually feel quite removed from all of it now, but it was like some alien took over my body. I liked too many boys. I was sure I LOVED them all. I was equally sure that life would end if they didn't like me. I was sure that anyone else was better. A better body, a better face. I slept with too many boys thinking it meant some emotion on their part, when it was usually just sex. I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I mean..well, I guess I always think about the past. More than others, maybe? I find myself endlessly fascinated with people, with their thoughts. ...

I found out that this month is Child Abuse Prevention month. I'm wearing my blue ribbon as much as I remember. When I can't even remember to put on my name tag, I prolly won't remember this ribbon. It's a nice one though. Pretty and blue. Not one of those other icky colors that don't work for me. I like the pink breast cancer ones. Those are pretty too. Listen to me, acting like the wearing the ribbon is all about the color. It signifies something so much more. Different things to different people even. I'm not trying to trivialize it, only add my own special brand of daftness to the idea. I feel for anyone who has had to deal with Child abuse in any capacity. I'm sure it's completely heartbreaking to the people who want to help, but feel like they can't for some reason. Coming from a household full of all kinds of abuse, I wish someone had helped. I shouldn't even say that. One person DID try to help me, and I couldn't tell the truth. I coul...

Well, my mom sent me a MySpace comment to say Happy Valentine's Day and that she loves me. Once again, someone who only interacts with me via MySpace. How can you love me, if you never see me? If you don't know me? There's a line in a KT Tunstall song... "And can you still love me When you can't see me anymore?" I'd like to know that. Is that what unconditional love means? I don't even know what I mean anymore. I'm still so damn angry about my sisters not coming. Sure this solves the whole.."will my mother come or not?" problem, but I would have rather just had it done and over with. Either she'll come along or she won't. I've given up so much that I'm using the rest of my vacation next month. Wait up! This is not angsty day, this is happy YAY Valentine's day. Screw them if they can only talk to me on holidays...like my dad when I was growing up. Ok, for real now. I got chocolates! And a new CD (Christina Aguilera), a...

My sisters aren't coming. I've gone from petulant (I hope they NEVER visit) to depressed to sad, to keeping a stiff upper lip to not even caring and all the way back to petulant. I'm not even sure they would have mentioned it if I hadn't asked about the weather up there and if it was gonna impede the trip. I actually kind of believe they would have waited as long as they could until telling me. Like I would get all hysterical on them or something. Right, like I LET my family know how I feel. I'm raw. I wanted to see them, and now there are so many excuses. What it comes down to, is that with my family, I can't ever believe. I had hoped my sister was trustworthy, but after all the planning and my switching crap around for my vacation days, it turns out she isn't. I'm sad. And sure that I'll never see my family again. I could visit them, except I don't have a car, and I sure as hell don't have money for a plane trip. Especially not for Derek a...