Random Thoughts

"I'm almost there when you turn and look at me." Oh Pink. You're SO cheeky. I know what she means by the other parts of the song, but I shall leave that out here. Instead I will just admit that I've bitten my tongue many times in an effort to stifle my mouth from screaming or saying things I shouldn't. I've gotten better at it as I get older. Censoring? Yes, but sometimes I need a censor. Heather and I had SO much fun at the game on Thursday. We ate hamburgers, had way too many free beers, and then left before the game started. It was quite fun. We headed to Good Times from there and got "Tic tacs". I dislike Red Bull, but those are yummy, I must admit. Then a beer, then we headed off to punch some guy in the face in Thurston. We didn't end up punching anyone in the face, but it was very entertaining the whole time. We didn't end up seeing the guy, but we did find out that what Heather heard was untrue, so no reason to punch him in the fa...

Hard to believe, I know. So. I've had a few "WTF" moments lately. And I have to share with my girl friends, and all my close ones read this..at least most of the time. LOL. P asked if he could borrow Lestat, and I said..sure, did he want me to mail it to him, since we don't actively hang out much? I wasn't quite as wordy as all that, but that was the gist of it. He responded as such, and I'm gonna quote word for word. "I could just come and pick it up.. I mean if that's aloud and what not. You never know with you lol. Plus, I'm really sorry that I wasn't able to make your b-day party, how bout I promise to make it up to you ^^ Oh.. and you are passed your age for trusting people... just thought I'd remind you !!" Ignoring the misspelling (maybe it's supposed to be ironic?), I was still like...WTF? But I wrote this back..once upon a time, I would have said something flirty and suggestive like..how are you gonna make it up to me?, b...

This weekend has been pretty much kick ass. 1. Sidney's party was fantastic. The hill getting there kicked my ass. I wondered if I would really make it a few times. I'm more than a little pissed at myself that Ben handled it a lot better and he smokes every day, while I pretty much only socially smoke. Shows how out of shape I am. I should climb Willamette hill every damn day, people. It's a great work out. Coming down was interesting. Made it, even with gravity working against me, but different parts of my legs are sore than are usually since I don't usually walk down an incline like that. 2. Today at work was busy, went quickly and Ruby invited me out for some beers after work. She's leaving for Equador and Chile tomorrow for a month. I'm going to miss her, but at least she's not "leaving" leaving. Just taking an extra long vacation. We lost a lot of people this year. =( Going out was awesome, everyone is always so nice and I got to talk to Jen q...

I'm not much for confrontation, as most of you know. This may translate into me being a "yes man"...and maybe I am. It's just seems like in my 27 years I've never told someone something they wanted to hear when I disagreed with their views, their ideas, their hopes. Maybe that means I'm not a true friend, cause I'll just tell you what you want to hear. But it's never gotten me anywhere to confront someone and be like..I don't think your (relationship, work, whatever) is going the way you think it is. I've tried before, and all it really got me was uncomfortable, and then when it turned out the way I thought it would (though I didn't want it to turn out that way..cryptic enough for ya?) I got a "why didn't you tell me?"...and I realized that my cries had fallen on deaf ears. Does my being unconfrontational mean I am too eager to please? Perhaps...but what good does it do me to tell someone something they don't want to hear?...

I posted things to MySpace this weekend that I neglected to post here. I'm trying, really fucking hard, to be positive..but I kind of feel like this has become my negative blog, the one I don't want people to see who are on my MySpace. I may cross post them. They are so much fluff, like most of my MySpace entries. Besides that one entry that I put as a 'preferred' blog only. Tammi got added, as she asked, I'll add people if they want, I just want to make sure that the understand these won't be happy, full of life and fun Desiree blogs. I guess I was wondering who would notice or care. Plus, I left it open to everyone for like a day, but I kept feeling sick to my stomach with worry that I was being too republican or something, so who knows who read it in the mean time and thought...damn that Desiree, she's being too republican. No one made any comments, besides Tammi. In other news, the bump on my ass has returned. Yay for icky, bloody boils. This is the 3rd...

Warning, this is going to be explicit. LOL. I should have a sticker, all to myself. I keep coming back to this other fond memory of Frank. I'd just started here at work, and I was meek and quiet..... (I CAN be those things, I know it's hard to believe, but if you remember the first time you met me, you'd probably recall that I tend to be quiet and hang out in the background until I get a feel for a person, though I can talk to strangers on the bus all the time..I'm crazy.."but you knew that though? I mean, I put out flyers..I ate a bunch of them...I'm dumb, dumb". Ok, enough of my Meatwad tangent. I I was training to do the deposit and I was still quiet and unsure of myself and learning, and Frank was talking to our deposit person about things and he cinched it for me right then. I had been wondering since I started if he was gay or not...and I didn't want to ask or be wrong or assume...it's hard to believe now that I was unsure. But he kept talkin...

My co-worker is awesome. She's always looking out for me, she always listens to me, she has her own problems and I hope I listen as well as she listens to me, and she is just...a rock, for want of a better word. Our kids may disagree, she doesn't care. We've both done stupid things in our life, we both have children around the same age, we both have a quirky sense of humor. Even though we are about 5 years apart in age. I'm tempted to ask her to accompany me to a party I was invited to (more on that when I've made more sense of it in my head) as my back up. I hope she never does quit, though I know she gets sick of this place. She's the person I see almost daily, and while we rarely hang out outside of work, we have so much fun when we do. Just talking forever. After she saw how upset I was getting over Frank, she mentioned that she didn't think she could take seeing his face for much longer...which is so nice as they printed out his MySpace page full of tri...

But you should be, cause she is awesome.. Here is the link to the blog she put up about Marshal. It sounds like he is doing better, and I plan on tackling my fear and heading to the hospital on my lunch tomorrow to see him, but today I just couldn't. I couldn't do the hospital on top of being around so many people who knew Frank. I think part of the reason I was able to keep myself so reserved from it was because Ben never knew him, no one outside of my work that I saw in this past week knew him. It was easy to be reserved. Anyhow...blog about Marshal.. http://marshalbarnhart.blogspot.com/

I was feeling bad, cause all the death? Right? And I was feeling worse cause I've been curiously removed from the whole thing. I came in to work today and lost it. That counter is where Frank taught me to cashier, where he told me that P was so anal (and indeed she was), where we spent times talking. I've been crying off and on since about 10 now. Every time I try and talk about it, I lose it. Every time I see someone who knew him, I get teary eyed all anew. I don't like this, I think I'd prefer to feel like the Ice Queen bitch.

I feel lots better. Almost normal really. My attitude is better, but that might be because it's Friday and I don't have to go to work tomorrow! YAY. I wouldn't mind work so much if I didn't have to deal with so many people! All the time, and everyone has their own little nuances and neuroses just as I have mine. It's just that their's annoy me! LOL. I only annoy me a little usually. Ha ha. It was a busy day, Tara took me to lunch though, and that was super nice of her. We ran a bit over, but man it was good to get out of there for lunch and away from other people. Our own little corner, complete with Mexican food. I was thinking about my a play list on my iPod, and how it may actually tell you exactly how much I vary on my music. Like...I don't listen to Christian anything, but I think I listen to almost everything else. Not a lot of classical, but some. Anyhow, I've been listening to this play list for the past two days, and guys? I totally suck. Some o...

What fresh hell is this ? Now I love David Boreanaz as much as the next person,(not as much as I love Buffy) but why for the love of god is there a Crow 4? Once upon a time I watched "The Crow" and bawled my eyes out. Maybe many times, and it doesn't help that poor Brandon Lee died for real making that movie. It just makes me sadder. The first one was fantastic, the perfect revenge movie, with a bit of eye makeup and emo-ness thrown in. I don't care if Tara Reid and David are in that movie, I will never watch it. Not even with the goodness of Edward Furlong thrown in. -------------- Ok, off my soap box. I'm sitting at work, having lunch in Tara's office, listening to all the 80's and 90's music that I have on my iPod. The sappier the better. Richard Marx? You bet. Followed up with Janet. (who really needs no last name) -------------- Tammy and I went out for a bit Friday, looked at some items we may purchase, and then just sat at Gateway and drank coff...

Last night was the third night in a row in which my traitorous mind and body had to wake me up either..a. way earlier than I needed and not be able to get back to sleep, or b. wake me up in the middle of the night and not be able to fall asleep for hours. I'm so exhausted, I feel dumb. It's almost like the feeling I would get when I would stay up all night to hang out, and then have to be up with my kid. That almost tingly feeling in my skin. I've gotten about 6 hours of sleep the past 3 nights, averaged out. Normal people would be fine, but I've always been one who can't get away with 6 hours in one day, let alone 6 for 3 days. I can't type, I can't talk. Add all that to the antihistamine I took because my skin was so itchy this morning, and I'm batting a hundred. Totally dumb in the head, but whatever. It's only Friday so what do I care? I've already gotten my taxes done today and I am heading off to see Tammy later. She and I have some plannin...

Ariel is coming on Saturday. That means come hell or high water, I will see my best friend. I love her. Also, the child support check came today, so we should be able to go the the fair. It looks like Friday night is our best bet. We wanted to see the lights and wander. I'm not one for the rides so much, but at least we can see the lights, eat some fair food, and wander around (exercise thrown into the mix!). I love the fair. It takes me back to a simple time when all I had to worry about was which boyfriend I was going home with. Ha! I'm kidding! Not really. I'm not at all kidding, but it still was a simpler time in terms of going and just being there. I didn't have to worry about the money aspect, that's for sure. In terms of teenage boys and angst? It will be a hell of a lot easier. I'm hoping it's fantastic, and followed up with a visit from my Ariel. We'll see. =)

My first kid free weekend has gone pretty damn well. I've been meaning to go through the kids toys, and not getting much of anywhere. It's a very daunting prospect, honestly. I'm pretty sure there are TODDLER toys in the bottom of that fucking toy box. Eh. Maybe next weekend. However, I did clean up a bit, got to be lazy a bit, and had Heather over. It was her birthday yesterday, so I offered her beer and conversation at my house. We had a great time, just talking. Shooting the shit, so to speak. I like seeing her, I like how much we can just talk, and not even be embarrassed by stuff I can't say out loud to just anyone. Today I've already managed to make breakfast (which I NEVER DO, but I am truly awesome today) burn two CDs, got on the bus to head out to Jenn's, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENN!, got the bus back, got groped by an old lady on the bus. I like wearing shorts, but maybe I should not on the bus when people might snake their hand back to hold onto the back of t...

The summer brings summer hours. I get off an hour early, ALL SUMMER. Which is great, right? Not so much. I'd prefer to be getting out later right now. I have to wake up earlier and instead of going to bed earlier, I seem to be going to bed later. =( No, it's not smart. I understand that. But Derek doesn't even go to bed until 10 most nights since it's summer. Then he sleeps in and Ben gets to sleep a little later as well. YAY FOR THEM. REALLY. My all caps do not equal sarcasm. Maybe a little. By the time I put the kid in bed, I'm ready to go to sleep myself, but then Ben and I will have no time together. I'm so ready to just lay my head down right here and sleep. Tomorrow I have to get up even earlier, but that means I get out earlier, so that's something. I have things to do tonight, so I can't just go to bed. I need to tidy up the house, and I will apologize right now for my dirty kitchen floor. I am out of Swiffer refills and haven't cared enough ...

I tend to forget that while birthdays are lovely, the whole world does not center around me when it is my birthday. As much as I might like it to. In any case, I got off work (I got a nice package with a cow, and snacks, and cards, and a book, and burt's bees face stuff, hurray!) and took my usual route downtown for the bus. I got on the bus amidst a flurry of people and only realized afterward that myHeather was sitting right outside next to the bus. No amount of tapping on the glass or waving wildly did any good. Much to the annoyance of the kid who was sitting right next to the window, with me practically sitting on his, hers it's lap. Hard to tell with it hiding behind it's hair and hood of it's sweater. I figure to hell with it, but then decide (after the bus has left of course) that it's some wild coincidence that myHeather is waiting near my bus. Maybe she was waiting for me, you never know. I get off two stops later and walk back downtown. Luckily, she was s...

How is it that sometimes when I am listening to a song that I've listened to for years, I hear some random part of it, and it takes on a whole new meaning? This song came on my iPod when Ben and I were washing dishes and I could ALMOST hear the beginning. It took me about ten seconds to go, oh hell no, and run out to change it. Derek and NIN? Not so much. I'm so not censored. It's no wonder my kid doesn't like my music, he doesn't know it, cause it's all DIRTY. I'm a dirty girl. LOL. (JENN! I blame you for LOL, just so you know. *laughs*) I've been a little isolated recently. Just spending a lot of time with the boys and not much else. Sometimes it makes me sad, but then I realize that going out takes money, and I should not spend it all just cause I still have a little bit. Ha. I think summer is when I come out of my cocoon and actually want to go out more. Maybe it's cause it's warmer? I don't even know. Maybe it's cause it's my bir...

I CAN'T get that whole "My (blank), let me show you it/them" from Cat Macros out of my head. It amuses me. Which is good. Ok, so this here is my blog. I'm probably gonna complain about things that people do that I might even do myself. *gasp* It's hard not to, I mean, I've lived so much life, I've probably done one of the two or three (or a million) things I complain about. At least to a certain degree. But it's my blog, so I am empirically right. That said, this here blog would not be entertaining at all if I didn't take normal, everyday events, and blow them way out of proportion. Otherwise, you would get something along the lines of "I woke up, I had breakfast". I've had posts that are close to this. I really have. I'm not gonna find them. Suffice it to say that I've learned that drama is a lot funnier/more entertaining. What you don't get from me is all the happy stuff. Again, that's boring sometimes. I've b...

My life is going along nicely. I'm thinking a lot more, trying to talk a lot less. Just figuring things out. Then Jesse left me a MySpace comment about how he misses us, and will "talk" to us soon. Cause leaving a message on my MySpace page suffices as a hello to both Ben and I, I guess? Ben hates MySpace, thinks it's dumb, doesn't take any messages from Jesse as actually talking to him, though I do relay these messages. It hurts me for Ben. We're both upset and a little bit pissed off. Still, how easy would it have been for me to just say nothing, and laugh it off? I find that I find more and more things in people annoying, and I find that I have been more likely to say things to people that I would not be able to get out in person through email. Chicken shit? I'll accept that, but I have to do something or eventually I just get pissed off enough to drop that person from my life. It's happened before, and I don't doubt that it will happen again, u...

I've become VERY pre-occupied with wondering what people think of me. I know, this is not something new. I've always been worried what people think of me. But it's a different kind of worry all of the sudden. I've become intensely aware of the way I sound, the way I act when I'm having a bad day. Now I wonder if people think I'm mean or stuck up? I know for a fact that Jesse thought I was stuck up in high school. I was just terrified, but even then I knew that you just pretended like you knew what you were doing, and made friends with as many people as possible. Apparently, Jesse never crossed my radar as someone to be friends with for at least a couple of years. I think we even went to the same middle school and I have no memory of him. Instead of recognizing a fellow dork, geek, nerd, any other number of names people could have called me, he thought I was too stuck up. When he told me that, I was flabbergasted. I didn't MEAN to come across that way. Now w...