Random Thoughts

Well that sucks. So….two thoughts for you today. 1. Why do I keep expecting holidays/birthdays to be extraordinary? They haven’t yet. Nothing miraculous has happened, and I’ve never had a surprise birthday party so why do I keep thinking it might happen? As I get older, it’s even less likely that something extraordinary will happen without my having a hand in it. So do I just need to do something extraordinary for my child? Would that make a difference, or just set him up for ridiculously high expectations? For instance…I’m not saying that I need a true Christmas miracle, but it would be really, really lovely if my mother would at least send me a Christmas card, or be the first person to wish my Merry Christmas and it’s be super awesome to not see pictures of her Christmas. Stupid facebook. 8 pictures, one of my baby sister, the rest of her bar friends, obviously taken in a bar. Good job mom. Oh and one of my horrid stepfather. Whose face I’d rather not see. This is who I w...

I wrote a whole long post about my sad Christmas and then decided to not have it out there in public. Maybe I just need a fucking attitude shift. So today. Today I am starting to change my point of view. Why do I focus on the negative? Positive things- 1. The other day I became a cliche and told myself how I can now say "one day you will start being healthier, and not STOP when it gets hard." Yeah, fucking cliche, but it's amazing to think that all it takes is one time of not quitting to getting shit back on track. 2. I am in good health, my whole family is. Sure, we get sick sometimes, but we're generally a pretty healthy bunch. 3. Christmas is over, NYE HAS to be better. lol. 4. I have some really awesome friends. They are helpful, smart, generally don't judge me too much and certainly not as harshly as I judge myself. 5. I'm about to pay off one of my student loans! WOOOOOHOOOOO. 6. My son is no longer a slave to his emotions, somehow he...

So everyone seems to have an opinion on marriage. The large majority seems to say that they don’t think marriage matters/don’t really think about it. I’m willing to be that the people who don’t think about it are young or men. I’m not getting any younger, I want someday to be married. I’m not sure I want to change my last name or have a ring on my finger (mainly cause that shit is expensive) but I want that final security blanket for me. Or maybe just as something for my bucket list. As something I’ve done. I can’t seem to explain myself to anyone who thinks that marriage doesn’t matter and assures me that I shouldn’t care, much like I can’t convince someone who is against gay marriage that their arguments are invalid. And on that note. I merely want what the gays/lesbians want and fight for. Why is it weird that I’m fighting to be “married” to the adult person I love the most? Why can’t I have what they want too? Why do people insist on telling me “it doesn’t matter”? ...

I’m so very excited. I don’t love Christmas, but I LOVE New Year’s Eve. Always. I dunno if it’s because it seems like a fresh start or what, but I am always so happy to kick the last year out on its ass. Plus tis the season to party and I KNOW HOW TO PARTY. Haha. For 2010, we went to Jenni’s house. She was not my neighbor yet, we didn’t even have a clue that by the next year we’d be neighbors. It’s funny how life works. But we didn’t have Derek and wanted to be OUT with people. I’m pretty sure we didn’t stay until midnight, Heather would’ve wanted to leave before that, I’m certain. But it was still fun. Ben met Rowan, she kept asking him to “sniff him’s butt” in regards to her stuffed Santa doll. There was dip and veggies and Rowan kept licking the ranch off but wouldn’t eat the veggies. All in all, it was a good time… For 2011, we lived next door to Jenni. We have 4 apartments in our section and I know 2 of my 3 neighbors quite well. We put together some crazy food, invit...

Meh. How could someone look at a small child and then shoot them? The answer? No answer. This will always exist. People are always going to assume that murder can "solve" something. I just don't get the children bit. Children are wonderful and I of all people know how horrible things can happen to small children. I had hoped it wasn't something that happened all of the time...but today? Today 20 children are dead. I can't even imagine how their parents feel. I have horrible nightmares about Derek dying and I just can't even fucking imagine. So today I am sad. Sad for the world. Wondering if "the end of the world" isn't really just a sudden stop but a lot of little things that build up to TOO much. You know? Anyhow. I had to say something. But I can't say enough. No one can. Some people just suck. =(

People don't get why I'm not gung ho in Christmas music. 2 reasons. 1. It's repetitive. All the same songs.Done by different people. 2. It's always about being with family and everything being awesome as long as you're with family. Now I know I CHOSE to live here with no family, but it's still rough every year. I have my little family and don't get me wrong, my family is crazy and is EXTREMELY hard to be around for the holidays. I "ran away" again after one such Christmas for good. I remember sitting, talking to creepy Nat on the phone and telling him how I could do nothing right, and seriously talking about putting my head through the T.V. I've went out of my way to not be that stressed with Derek. We have spending limits and I have one kid. We aren't going to get a tree this year either, further showcasing my "bah humbug"ness I guess. So that's it in a nutshell. I have no more time today, I have a short lunch. But!...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not doing Ben a disservice by not pushing him more.... I mean...if he were with someone else, or even alone, would he have a job? Would he be better off if I wasn't enabling him? Why does my brain insist on "What ifs"? He seems to enjoy his life, so why am I questioning everything? My stupid douchebag brain.What a dick hole it is. I would like to stop thinking so goddamn much. We're good. Our life is good. We have few complaints and we even will say the same thing at the same time. Which is kind of weird...but...maybe it means we're meant for each other. And if I'm so worried that his life could've been better, how come I don't wonder if it'd be worse without me? Why do I always envision his life as being better? Sometimes I feel like I'm tainting him with my crazy. He's kind of normal and I'm so not. I have so many problems. Such as this, this over thinking.... I just have so much baggage. ...

I got a ride home from work last night. A nice guy who knows a bit more about my life prior to work than most of my other co-workers know. I’m an open book, so my fellow Accountants know quite a bit. Not everything. Everything is too much. But they know I was a teenage runaway and they know a bit of the issues I had with my mother…again..not everything. Well this guy had only recently learned more of my story. The runaway part. So we had a nice conversation on the way home about work, etc, and then he asks me if I ever feel proud of myself for how far I’ve come. The answer is sure. Sure I do. When I actually sit and think about it I’m proud. But mostly I just survive. I don’t think about it that often. When I do, I’m proud. When I realize that I was in college raising a kid while most of our interns can’t even fathom..yeah, I’m proud. But overall, I don’t think about it often. My life has always been about surviving. Don’t think, just do. Not that I don’t think, I over...

It’s only Friday. And I work tomorrow. And I’m fucking whiny about it. B was no help and all wishy washy so I just decided I should make every effort to not be in the hole at the end of the month… But it’s just…ack. I don’t think anyone but me will appreciate me any more for it. I mean, I’ll be happy I put forth the effort, but disgruntled that it’s always me dealing with it. In the marriage email of doom (as it shall hence forth be called), I basically told him that if he doesn’t figure this shit out, it’s not gonna work. I’m not going the ultimatum route, that never ends well with him. But what the fuck do I do then? His dad won’t be here, where will he go? It’s like I uprooted him from his home and then I’m gonna kick him out? *sigh* Sometimes I wonder if he’s just not in this because it’s easy.. And then I laugh and laugh, because I am NOT easy. But he doesn’t have to work this way, you know? I hadn’t been stressing so much about the money lately, mostly because of t...

This helped me a lot. However, I have a hard time listening to that song now. And sometimes it wrecks me instead of helping, but it's CHARLES. Talking. Alive. http://vimeo.com/289961

I have kept to my promise. I have spoken not at all of marriage since I sent the email. Good job me. It’s really a lot nicer to not become emotionally wrecked when I can’t explain myself to Ben in a way that he agrees and it’s certainly not getting me any closer to being married. Dad’s death day came and went. I mostly ignored it, even with all the wine and day drinking for Katie’s birthday party. It was awesome. I LOVE being ridiculous for the camera. Try to get a good picture and I’m like..oh hell no, I look horrid, but when I am trying to look ridiculous, I don’t mind so much. Go figure. There were so many pictures of me taken, cat ears, wigs, pimp hats, a sombrero. ..I’m excited to see them. And judiciously share them. There was one where I was grabbing someone’s boob, that will not be available for all my face book friends, only the cool ones! Charles’ birthday was Friday. I feel like I’ve come to terms more with it. It sucks. He didn’t deserve it. But it’s how it is. I’m still ...

It’s just like that Hyperbole and a Half cartoon. What is wrong with me? I can’t even really put into words why I am suddenly so gung ho on the marriage bit. Maybe it’s the getting older bit. Maybe it’s because I feel like Ben is never going to want to and that translates into us breaking up at some point. Maybe I just want ONE thing about my life to be “normal”…sure I went to college and have a degree and I guess that’s “normal”, but I’d like something about my personal life to be “normal”. Sure, I did the kid thing early, didn’t get married to his dad, but this, this one thing is something I want. Like Phoebe on Friends. So…yeah…. This is my brain on marriage. I sent Ben an email in the hopes that by laying out my ten reasons to get married (like Letterman!) I can let it go and stop talking about it after I’ve been drinking cause… NO GOOD. I may have repeated one of my points though. I guess I wasn’t as laid out as I thought. So for my lovely lady friends who are reading th...