Random Thoughts

Posted to MySpace on Saturday, YAY I'm caught up! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I’ve been thinking about past crushes of mine. It’s weird. I mean, duh, right? It’s ALWAYS weird when you look back at things. I was always so very focused on the person. I crushed hard lol. I’ve been having a dream lately where one of my ex-crushes is sitting at a long table full of other people and the seat next to him is always open, yet I ALWAYS chose a different seat. Strange, but it makes sense. I just think it’s funny that way my brain manifests things into my subconscious. I had some other rather strange ones the other day, but I can’t remember what they were. Just that I woke up and thought..hey, that’s weird. Ha ha. But that lyric above from Pretty Hate Machine was so me in my teenage crush years. It’s so EMO. lol. I was always ready to do what other people wanted me to do. Less so now, in fact I may over do my stubborn-ness. I really kind of compromise...

I'm not much for confrontation, as most of you know. This may translate into me being a "yes man"...and maybe I am. It's just seems like in my 27 years I've never told someone something they wanted to hear when I disagreed with their views, their ideas, their hopes. Maybe that means I'm not a true friend, cause I'll just tell you what you want to hear. But it's never gotten me anywhere to confront someone and be like..I don't think your (relationship, work, whatever) is going the way you think it is. I've tried before, and all it really got me was uncomfortable, and then when it turned out the way I thought it would (though I didn't want it to turn out that way..cryptic enough for ya?) I got a "why didn't you tell me?"...and I realized that my cries had fallen on deaf ears. Does my being unconfrontational mean I am too eager to please? Perhaps...but what good does it do me to tell someone something they don't want to hear?...

That's my new word when I am annoyed, BOO. It seems to cover everything. I've stopped just short of Booing and hissing, like if the villain had found it's way into my play. =( Marshal is in the hospital. I adore Marshal, as he was one of the kids I ended up in the homeless shelter with. One of the kids who came with me when I tried to go and get my stuff from my mom's house. Marshal watched everything that happened, and then we rode the bus to some weird tree house in the Amazon area where Marshal had vodka that I could drink. Anything to block out the horribleness that occurred when I tried to pick up my things that day. He's still my friend, and it amazes me. I didn't really think that anyone who saw that side of my life would be able to be friends with me. At least that fighting-argumentative side of my relationship with my mother. I love it when I do see him, he was one of the few people who made it to my birthday non-party. And I loved seeing him. I hate an...

So, I had to stop myself from glaring at some poor guy on the bus last night, because he looked like my ex-best (flaming gay) guy friend. He didn't know that he reminded me of David. Mr. David Fox, who wrote me a thousand dollar check that I still have. I loved his attitude and I loved watching guys with him, although we never had the same taste. He let me sleep in his car when I was homeless, and had nowhere else to go. Why would I glare at his look-alike then? Because he fucked me over a couple of years back. He crow-barred his way into the Taco Bell where my son's father worked and stole $1400.00. Which was the price of our friendship, I guess. Now, I am fairly open-minded and still when he told me what he did, I didn't believe him. Then he took me out to breakfast, while my ex had to go to work. Where they told him that they thought he was in on it and he was fired and they were pressing charges. Which is when I told David that he better take the money back (what he had...

I have so much to share with you all. So, might be spamming here for a bit. The guy friend that I have been avoiding (cause he was really getting on my nerves.) finally called my house. He even asked to talk to me. Now, I was holding out on getting ahold of him, because things have been wierd. Just the way he has been talking is strange and a little bit too "manly" for me. So, he talks to me (for far too long) about shit I could care less about. First of all, Jared (pig-central...I hate this guy) and how much they all hate him now....duh, I already did. Oh, but I (me) don't want to hear about that (he says and he is right), then he says, but here is what happened. And he goes into some long, complicated story about some bullshit or another. (DRAMA) So, he then tells me about how he won't be doing anything for V-day and if I could use a babysitter, he would. Yeah, a little late. Had I known, I would have saved some money. Not that I felt like going out anyway. And he c...

So, another dream last night. A regular "melting pot" of things. Some work related and others not. The non-work related stuff is what bothers me. So, like Jake's ex-wife wasn't enough for me, last night I dreamt about feeling helpless and frustrated and just impotent. The person in particular was just my boyfriend. And I am not talking about the current one, cause either he didn't have a face, or I don't remember. Anyways, he was leaving me, and he made it known. And I've had this happen and there isn't anything you can do about it. I was so confused and pissed off at the same time. I think I begged him to stay and it was no use. Did I beg Paul to stay? I can't even remember. I don't think so, I think I had too much pride. I believe he told me later that if I had asked, he would have stayed, but I don't believe that he was telling me the truth than. I'm not sure he ever told me the truth. And I blame him for these feelings of helplessne...

Wow, she even gets her own title. I have been realizing that That Girl is directly (and indirectly) responsible for most of the people I hang out with on a regular basis. How, you ask? Ok, maybe you aren't asking, well then flip the page. ;p This is the girl who I met through my ex and we all started hanging out. Her with her boyfriend (at the time, mine now) and me with mine. She hung out with me even though I was a pregnant teenager and therefore scary-full of hormones. Somehow she managed to get along with me, even though I am difficult. So, she is also the one who volunteered to go with me into surgery when my child decided that he would not come out on his own. To be fair, others volunteered as well, but she is the one who ended up going. I made them decide between each other. I was too far gone to choose. Since it was the ONLY time my mom went home and my ex could not deal, someone had to come. So, she came and watched them cut me open, and bring my son out. I remember her sa...

I can't belive I almost forgot the most important news of my whole weekend. Ok, it was Friday. But, my sis e-mailed me back. Yay! She is super busy cause she is finishing high school, working, and being 8 months pregnant. She is crazy, but I guess I kinda did the same thing. Anyhow, she had her last ultrasound, which concluded that she is having a girl for sure. WOOHOO and the baby is already 6 pounds and she isn't even due until March 11th. When she first told me, she said the 19th, but it keeps getting pushed back. As it is, the doctor said she prolly wouldn't even make it through Febuary, which is good. Otherwise she might have a 10 or 11 pound baby. AHH!. I can't even imagine. Maybe she was more pregnant than they thought. So, congratulate me, because I am gonna be an aunt. YAY! Wish they lived close enough for me to be the best aunt I could be. DAMN!

I was e-mailing someone who is really cool......you know who you are ;) and it reminded me of going to my ex's wedding. If you know the rant, stop reading.....I don't want to bore you. I just want to go into more detail and see what people think. I like to know that I didn't overreact. It is going to be a large post though. My ex wanted our son to be in the wedding, which I understand. So, I agreed to go with, although I WIGGED out about it forever. (Bad visions of standing up and cussing or telling inappropriate stories) The weekend finally arrives and I spend all day Saturday waiting for him. I HATE waiting for people. I had stuff I could have done, but waited at my house like a dumbass instead. I got my shit together, get yours together too. So, he finally shows up at about 6.....when I have to feed the kid. My best friend was waiting with me and she had to wait for the bus anyway, so I made them wait. Which they thought was dumb. So, when they get there, they are a bunc...

Woohoo! It's Friday! And my payday....*dances all around* Ok, not really. I don't dance. I am lying, again. I dance at the Cherry Poppin' Daddies concerts. I dance like crazy. I get sweaty and full of adrenaline. I also sing at these concerts. I love them. Steve Perry is a god, and when he humps the microphone, I scream like a high-pitched girl. I am not even really high pitched. Only when I really scream. So.....not really much to say (hey, just did you just fall over in suprise?), of course I can prolly drone on about nothing anyway. So, I realized that I am posting about 4 times daily, and consequently (duh) I am getting more hits. Woohoo! 6000 here I come. Went out to lunch, on what I like to think of as my campus, and went down to Dairy Queen. I go in and breathe a sigh of relief because creepy, ex-boyfriend wannabe vampire isn't there. I am mentioning this to my co-worker, when he walks in. With his new girlfriend. She looks alot closer to his age than the girls h...

So, my best friend called me last night, just to check up on me. YAY! She rocks. I am visiting her this weekend, but I have an ulterior motive. She is going to let me do my taxes on-line. WOOHOO!. So, then my guy friend calls (who you should all be familiar with by now) and it was his birthday yesterday. We called and told him Happy Birthday through a message because he wasn't there. So, he calls and thanks us. Then he says something about coming over next weekend. I was putting the kid to bed, so I had to pass the phone to the boyfriend at this point. I start thinking..."Wow, maybe my ranting worked, he actually wants to come over". Usually I call him and tell him he is coming over (cuz I am bossy), but this time, he made the first move. After my boyfriend got off the phone, he asks me how much our friend told me. I tell him and he tells me that said friend got a gambling set for his birthday and he wants to bring it over and "make it interesting". I am guessin...

So, I called this friend a couple weeks ago, when my stomach was bothering me and I got all worried over nothing. I called her and left a message asking her to call me. I wanted to know if she would drive me to the store, so I could pick up a test. I also said that she should call me back even if she couldn't, just so we could talk. So, she never called me back. Then, she calls me yesterday and says, "oh, i just wanted to tell you that we moved". And she gives me the new address and tells me I should come and visit her. HUH? She never calls me back, doesn't say anything when she does, and expects me to come to her new house. I know she is busy, but what the hell? I guess part of me would like to think that maybe she never got my message. I was so happy to hear from her at all, that I didn't push it. Especially since the boyfriend was there, and I didn't really tell him how worried I was about the whole stomache problem. Lord knows, cell phones aren't terr...

Man, I am such a crab. Hard on the outside and soft and tender on the inside. I just called my house to check up on my boys, but didn't have much to share. So, my boyfriend kind of sounded annoyed. He prolly wasn't, but it made me sad. I like to call home and get a friendly voice (as opposed to the pissed off people who want their bills paid), and touch base. He should be happy I like to hear his voice. When I don't call at all during the day, he kind of looks at me funny or thinks I am annoyed. Which, I guess I can understand, seeing as how I call him all the time. It just kind of hurts my feelings. But, I'll pretend that it doesn't. Course, I did send off a quick email to let him know I am sorry. He prolly wasn't annoyed and I am reading too much into it. I like to think I can tell his moods, but he was unusually quiet last night and he said he wasn't in a bad mood. Maybe he is getting sick of dealing with my crap. As you all can read, I am one big mess. I...

So, when my guy friend showed up at my house on Saturday, he was telling me that he saw an ex-thing of mine and he asked for my phone number. I hate this guy, but I told him to give it to him anyways, because I would like to see if he even calls. He is so far out of the loop that when my friend was telling him that he was coming to my house, he was like...."who?" and then when my friend clued him in, he was like...."oh, her and him". Wow this no name thing is hard. Anyways, he was refering to my ex (the father of my child), who I haven't been with in about 5 years. Apparently, this is how people know me. Which kind of pisses me off. Why do I have to be "me and someone else"? Can people not remember me otherwise? Jeez. I am a nosy fat girl with a sarcastic sense humor, how can it be so easy to forget me? Now this wouldn't be so bad, except I used to make out with this guy in his truck. He told me he had a crush on me, and I fell for it. I hardly kne...

OK, OK, I am sorry to all the Britney haters, but this song title fit, so screw it. Don't read it if you don't like it. So, my friend (who you might have read about some posts down) came to my impromptu party and told me that he was just joking around about only coming over if there are girls and that he can't believe I would think that about him. He apologized a bunch, but then ended each apology with......"I can't believe you would think that about me". What kind of an apology is that? That is bullcrap. So, he came over and we were all having massive amounts of fun, and the night finally starts winding down at about 3 in the morning or so. This is fairly late for me and I was pretty excited that I managed to stay up. So, one of my girlfriends was already falling asleep and my boyfriend, my other girlfriend, my guy friend, and myself were still up. We were kind of watching this show that I like and they made a reference to Yoko Ono, and being as drunk as I wa...

Ok, so I am too upset to try and find a song for this title. I am having an impromptu party, which is how most of my parties start. I ran into a friend who is always busy and she said she wanted to get together, so I took her literally. I called my best friend and said..."you are coming over". And she called and said, "of course I am". So, that is settled. I am still thinking about calling a few other people. And I hate the phone, so That Girl, if you read this, you should come over. And of course, it is Saturday and I know you are busy, and it sucks that it always works out this way, but you should come by if you aren't dog tired when you are done with CSz. So, you ask, why am I upset? My boyfriend rides the bus fairly regularly with my best guy friend and he told him about Saturday and my guy friend said something to the effect of..."Well, I can get alcohol anywhere", and then when my boyfriend told him that my girlfriends would be there, he was like...

Well, last year was fun and fairly good to me. I hope this year will be the same. So, you all know I am a bit of a dork and I have to admit I have found it terribly funny to say (too much I am sure)......Best in 2005 yet. Now I know there isn't much to compare it to, but I find it amusing anyway. My little one came home and I must say that it is good to have him back. We played far too many games of Sorry and I think I have played with all his new toys. This is quite a feat for me as I have always been a baby dolls and barbies kind of person. Now I have to play with little boy toys. I did enjoy his building stuff. Although we are missing one piece and it was essential to make one of the bigger things with. So I bought a smaller set to offset the lost piece and the other pieces I am sure he will lose. Had a fairly good New Year's too. Played Scrabble and boy do I suck. I got a little snarky at my bigger boy though. He said something about..."well, at least it wasn't on ...

Well, my goal (in my head - Scary place there) is to post once a day. I am sure that there will be days when I can't though. Including anytime after today until Monday. I have tomorrow off, and I know everyone is thinking - 3 Day weekend Woohoo!, but I have to clean and get my son's stuff in order so he can spend Christmas with his dad. Such is life though. I already feel super special because I have special plans while he is gone already. I get to go to my first night of karaoke. Yay! I went home and informed my boyfriend of this, and he got quiet and I was like, well, I guess you could prolly come with us if you would like. And then he remembers that my child won't be there and I don't need a babysitter (namely, him), so I think he feels better about it. But, he might want to come out. I hope that is OK, That Girl. I am assuming he will have his own money and not expect you to buy him drinks. I told him that you and I were trading off. Anyhow, he might decide it is no...

I was filling out my profile. At least as much as I wanted to. And I started thinking about my preference for Romance novels. I read these awful things and know that life isn't like that, but I keep reading them. So, I started thinking about how my Dad is the one who bought me my first romance book, and I have to wonder, Was it all a big plan? To set me up for failure? God, I hope not, that would be depressing. Not like it has worked, I am way too boy crazy and had to be an any relationship I could throughout High School. The whole mentality was something about not being "normal". Jeez, there is a surprise. Like anyone is "normal".

To anyone who doesn't have time to read this ridiculously long post, please don't. I just have to get things out somehow. It is all relationship crap anyways. Here is yet another thing that I can not talk about with very many people. Because yet again, I am afraid that they will think I am "stupid". S***, I think I am stupid for it, so I can understand and yet at the same time maybe talking about it will lessen this unnatural obsession I have. Many, many years ago (be glad I didn't start with Once upon a time), I had roommates. Two of them, plus I was living with my boyfriend (at the time) and our son. The two roommates were in a relationship. Well, the boy flirted with me a lot and I flirted right back because I am a flirt. (Much to the annoyance, of our respective partners). Now, I am pretty sure it all started as a "grass is greener" thing (probably for both of us), but it all spiraled rapidly out of control. We would be home while the other two were ...