Random Thoughts

Father’s day is not an awesome holiday for me. Last year I must have been so panicked about getting kicked out of my house and finding a new place…that it just kind of happened and I didn’t really think about it. This year was not the same. I thought I was fine and I would be fine and then I’d open facebook and see everyone talking about their dads..or my brain would pipe up and remind me how I didn’t have a dad anymore. Or a grandpa. Then I’d tear up and then I’d feel like a moron. I mean…should I still be this easy to tear up? Maybe it was just the holiday? It’s not like I see my dad any less now than I did before considering I hadn’t seen him since I was 12 almost 13. I always thought there would be time later. Of course I did. It’s one thing to know how unlikely it was for me to go to Colorado and see people, including my dad…but entirely another to know I CAN’T ever see him again. So I hid in my house, tearing up and trying to pretend I wasn’t….and I read. A whole ...

My dad died. Everyone knows it by now. I've been dealing with it. Crying over it at weird times. Thinking, oh, maybe he's watching over me and then getting squicked out at the thought. I didn't have sex for days, wondering if my dad really could see me. Sorry if you can Dad. I kind of hope you can't. Completely random. This was not the death I expected first out of both parents. Goes to show you can't "expect" much huh? Life is random. I don't write about my dad much here because to be honest, he wasn't a huge part of my life. Maybe my memories, but I haven't seen the man since I was almost 13, right around Derek's age now. Our contact had been more in these later years, but still only awkward phone calls. Calls that I generally dreaded as I was unsure what to talk about so I'd fall back on my favorite and easiest subject, Derek. Children, the great equalizer. I've used child stories to my advantage before, because other parents rel...

And I promise, I'm feeling better today. I've been angsty lately. I watched 3 CSI's and strangely enough, I feel good. Besides the headache that is keeping me home. And away from the computer after I post this. Cause it really got me thinking last night. Maybe that's why I have this headache. I overtaxed my brain. ---------------------- Everytime I spend any amount of time talking to certain people, I just want to blow my head off. I mean, why even try? Apparently, life is too hard. For example, the talker. Everything in her life is hard. These (not anyone reading this, I promise. You are all young, intelligent people who want the best for their kids and are doing your damnest to make it work.) people are older than me, and should be able to make life work, but every time I talk to them, I feel like it's just fucking hopeless. There is no point to anything. All that is gonna happen is that the man you had kids with isn't going to be with you in the end. They are...