Random Thoughts

Why is it that too many people I know end up in jail? Do I just make friends with people with loose morals? These are people I like, hell, even love, and they end up in jail for doing the crappiest things. I just don't understand it, I've never felt the need to threaten people, hurt people, commit despicable acts against people you love. I don't get it. I'm so confused, and dismayed, yes, that's the word. I won't say that I'm a fine upstanding citizen, I've done stupid crap, I've done illegal things, I had a whole brief (thankfully) love affair with shoplifting. Maybe it was having a kid, maybe it was becoming 18 and fully responsible for myself, but I find that I am a scaredy cat, for want of a better description. I don't like lying, I don't like dealing with police men, I don't like feeling like a criminal. All of those things I used to do... Well, I never liked the police officers, even though they were never mean or assholes, just nor...

And I promise, I'm feeling better today. I've been angsty lately. I watched 3 CSI's and strangely enough, I feel good. Besides the headache that is keeping me home. And away from the computer after I post this. Cause it really got me thinking last night. Maybe that's why I have this headache. I overtaxed my brain. ---------------------- Everytime I spend any amount of time talking to certain people, I just want to blow my head off. I mean, why even try? Apparently, life is too hard. For example, the talker. Everything in her life is hard. These (not anyone reading this, I promise. You are all young, intelligent people who want the best for their kids and are doing your damnest to make it work.) people are older than me, and should be able to make life work, but every time I talk to them, I feel like it's just fucking hopeless. There is no point to anything. All that is gonna happen is that the man you had kids with isn't going to be with you in the end. They are...

I dreamt about him last night. I didn't want to. We were hanging out, and I think it was a party. Maybe his birthday party? It did just go by. And everyone was there. His wife, Ben, a bunch of other people. I think he took some acid? I don't know, but for some reason he started to have a bad trip and he was freaking out. I am the consummate "mommy" for the frying people and so I KNEW that I had to make it better. Somehow I was the person who was going to make it ok, and no one else could. How stuck up am I in my dreams? I'm sure in real life, his wife would be the person who could make his whole world ok again. My idea was to hug him. I'd just keep hugging him until he felt better. And that wasn't a big deal. I hug lots of people and Ben is not (much of) a jealous type. Everything was going fine and he started to feel better. Then he kissed me. Not like a full on, tongue kiss, just a peck on the lips. I was surprised and pulled back. I told him that he sh...

It's been a shitty week. I know, it's only Wednesday. And then after thinking about it? It was a shitty week last week. Maybe it'll be a shitty month. How exciting. Something to look forward to. Let's see....my weekend went far too fast. Last week was the week work broke me. When I'd had enough. Monday? Monday, I woke up with a bruised rib. I think. It's the only explanation I can come up with, as I've never been to see the doctor about it. I hate my doctor. And I don't know that he could tell me if it was a bruised rib. I'm just making an educated guess. Since it only hurts to breath, it must be something inside. And since it only hurts to breath deeply, it must be a rib. This happens to me all the time. I don't know why. I never know when I do it. Only, all of the sudden it hurts. Maybe I contorted while sleeping? Maybe it was during sex, that's happened before. But I don't know why it wouldn't hurt all day and then hurt in the mor...

So, I had to stop myself from glaring at some poor guy on the bus last night, because he looked like my ex-best (flaming gay) guy friend. He didn't know that he reminded me of David. Mr. David Fox, who wrote me a thousand dollar check that I still have. I loved his attitude and I loved watching guys with him, although we never had the same taste. He let me sleep in his car when I was homeless, and had nowhere else to go. Why would I glare at his look-alike then? Because he fucked me over a couple of years back. He crow-barred his way into the Taco Bell where my son's father worked and stole $1400.00. Which was the price of our friendship, I guess. Now, I am fairly open-minded and still when he told me what he did, I didn't believe him. Then he took me out to breakfast, while my ex had to go to work. Where they told him that they thought he was in on it and he was fired and they were pressing charges. Which is when I told David that he better take the money back (what he had...