Random Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot lately and while that usually means Ben bears the brunt of my crazy..well..I've had other things on my mind. Not that he doesn't get the brunt of my random bouts of crazy....it still happens. I'm tired of death, I suppose everyone who's had to deal with it at all is. Christmas makes things harder....I kept wishing for a phone call that would never come. Dad would always call on my birthday and on Christmas. While we didn't have a lot of contact besides that, those were set in stone. So yeah, this particular Christmas was hard. I think I was still numb last year and he still "saved" my Christmas since my step mom sent that $500 check. He'd saved Christmas so many times...this one I knew I was on my own and it's been depressing. They say money doesn't solve everything, but it certainly helps. I stress less, I know that. The talker was like..well, Christmas is also about family and I shut her down pretty quickly with ...

EDIT: After much consideration, I've decided to make this blog a bit more private...see I can't be sure my sisters won't see this and I don't want to ruin their lives more than our mom did. ___________________________________________ I can't even make up my mind. Was catching up on LJ today and it's made me more sad than bitchy. I think I might prefer sad to bitchy. When I'm bitchy I KNOW it's not helping but I can't seem to fucking stop. When I'm sad, well..shit I'm sad. I'll get over it. My mom has always been...well, an ostrich. Pretend there is not a problem and MAYBE there won't be. I'll admit I've followed this route on a few occasions, but NEVER to the extent that she did and STILL does. Before my sister came to visit, I thought that maybe I'd exaggerated how bad it really fucking was. I'm at least HALFWAY normal and capable, maybe my brain had made it worse than it was. It's not something I talk about frequ...

Sometimes I would like to feel like I come first. Especially when the kid isn't here to come first. When he comes first I understand, but the computer and magic? They should not come first. Just once I'd like for him to at least offer to miss it and spend time with me. Not just to be on the computer. Sad today, likely it's at least partially due to my mother's birthday being yesterday. I'll get over it tomorrow, but for today having a boyfriend sucks. Sometimes I wonder if we'll make it past Derek getting older. I'm so quick to give up on boys, I always have been. Ben is good for my son though, and so he's lasted. What will happen when Derek is old enough to take care of himself and we don't need him? Can't tell you that. I don't know myself. Also, I love this CSI. Taylor Swift makes it ok even though Grissolm is gone.

Was already pissed and irritated by going-ons at work. Got home and the kid gave me lip. The kid who IS NOT FED, still has to read and shower and all before 9. We HAD this conversation earlier today. "Derek should eat early" was uttered by one or the both of us during this conversation and yet my kid HAS NOT EATEN YET. And will likely be late for bed. How can I punish him since it's partly the adults fucking fault? I'm going to guess that this is due to that fucking magic online game. Multiple times in the past couple weeks it's detained Ben. So I find myself wishing the fucking site would break, or BETTER YET! Maybe the fucking computer will break. Then I won't have to pay for the fucking internet either. Sure, I love the internet, I love the computer, sometimes I get caught up in it, but NOT WHEN IT'S IMPORTANT to get shit done. SO FUCKING ANGRY. And sad too. I've decided that I can't afford RHPS this year. Life is too fucking expensive. Ben was ...

I suppose I should stop saying MY Grandma, as half my preferred list are relatives who share Grandma. I feel proprietary I guess. I'm having a hard time lately. I've always felt that if Grandma were still alive, she would have kept my mom in line. Away from the drugs and everything else. But recently, I wonder if that's the case. Cause you see, EVERYONE of my aunts and uncles seem to have problems. Perhaps it's just the way life worked out, but when most of the family ends up angry, bitter, and fucked up, it's hard to believe that my Grandma didn't put some sort of snowball effect in motion. That she was perhaps not the best mother herself? It feels disloyal to share these thoughts out loud, cause she was always so strong to me. But I don't know what else to think. Let me share a better story with you. Well, kind of a better story. When I was younger...probably around 4 or 5, Grandma had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who rode a motorcycle. One time I really wante...

As if it's not enough that I watch the Haunting show, now I can't seem to keep myself from watching Paranormal State. This year (in about 9 months) will signify my Grandma being dead for 20 years. I'm not sure how someone who was in my life for so little time overall makes such an impact on me, but she still does. And if there are ghosts, I believe she's watching over me as a ghost herself. Does any of that make sense? No logic here today people. My Grandma was in the hospital for a long time before she died. It was not surprising, as she had cancer. Lung cancer, a big one if I do say so myself. I do not have one single picture of her, but I do have her sewing machine. Which I have no idea how to run, but it's a part of her that I am severely loathe to lose. A part that really only fell into my lap when my family moved and couldn't take it with them. Did I mention that I miss her? Her crazy blue eyeliner that she used to make cat eyes? Or her perm to make her ha...

Ostracization... It's what I get for leaving them behind. Misty may say she isn't angry at me for leaving them with our parents, but I sure do get ignored by her just as much. And I get my hopes up when she says she wants to visit, but then they don't. I've been crying lately. Too much. I'm upset, and I feel justified to be upset. They ignore our cousin too apparently, and most of the family. They don't know any better, they never knew those people. Misty was only 7 when we moved here. But I worry that with my leaving them in HER care, they've turned out like her. All lip service and no follow through. Do they even care enough to be mad at me? That's why I'm sad, I'm not sure it even crosses their mind. Boo on this whole fucking situation. I'm angry. I don't even know if I have a niece or nephew, or anything. Then I blog about being angry and annoyed at them, and I worry more. Is my big mouth going to get me into trouble some day? Proba...

I'm just sad sitting here thinking about bad things happening to good people. I get mired down in the negativity when I start to think this way. I thought I would share. Anyone else want to share? Are you sad? Are you having a bad February like me? Anything to distract me, people. Anything at all. I'd love to spare a thought to other people's sadness instead of my own. =(

Don't answer that. I've just been really down all day. The IRS acknowledges me again, Derek behaved for the two whole days he had school this week, I'll have money Friday if all goes well. So, no having to pay rent late. I'm getting everything I wanted, so why do I feel so crappy today? Was it that my stomach started rumbling the moment I got up? Was it the my ass exploded shortly after that? Maybe, but I should be used to that by now, I've never had a real solid stomach. Was it that I painstakingly picked out two pairs of socks from the wash this morning, and dropped them along with my bra for the day in the dryer, and when I took them out the bra was not dry? Or was it that ten seconds later I lost one of the socks. I looked up or down, and no sock ANYWHERE. Was it that Tara still wasn't at work today, and I am worried about her? Was it that my leg has been rubbed (I won't saw rubbed raw, it's not as bad as that, but it's rubbed sore, if that makes...

I've always been a big fan of children. I know this sounds like I'm lying, cause sometimes I really dislike children. But I've always liked my friend's children. And so many of my friends have come and gone, and I sit and wonder how their children are doing often. How my old friends themselves are doing sometimes, but sometimes friendships don't work for a reason, so I try really hard not to get too melancholy about it. I keep coming back to the kids...like I wonder how Eric is doing (Larry's kid) or how Mina (Paul's daughter) is doing (how many times did Derek call people Mina? He just didn't understand why she was gone when she left...and I don't really get any sort of response when I ask about her, so I stopped. It just makes me sad, I had a totally awesome conversation with her one night about barbies and dragons, and all sorts of things), or how Birdie is doing (besides what I read in blog form). I always thought that Val's little girl Katie...

Oh Heath, How could you take away the hotness? I'm not linking to a specific page as my computer slowed WAY down when I accessed at least 3 of them. You can pick which you want to read. I predict (and I've already told Jenn this) that in about a week, everyone will be all "Anna Nicole" about it and be talking about how he had so many people who hated him (though I don't know how anyone could hate the hotness) and how it was definitely foul play. My theory is that it was Britney. She killed him to take the heat off her. Oh Heath. Now we can never be together.

Erin left today. My favorite coffee bar girl. One of the first people who I really felt comfortable with when I first got here. I always thought that it would be a sad, sad day when my coffee bar girls left. Then Bethany left, and now Erin is leaving. And I was right. I managed not to cry, though it's harder writing about it now not to cry. Since she has been the coffee bar supervisor, we've smirked at each other a lot more. Rolled our eyes together a lot more. Things can be pretty over the top in the Accounting department. I took a lot of pictures. I like pictures. I even got one of her and me that I don't hate. What is wrong with my neck though? I think when I try and avoid the double chin I tilt my head back too far, and my neck looks funny. Add that on to my Bruce Campbell-ish chin, and it just don't look right. Ok! I'm sorry, I'm not on par with Bruce, but I do have a jutting chin. A jutting round chin. Ok. Enough about my chin. So it was sad and stuff. Obv...

My sisters aren't coming. I've gone from petulant (I hope they NEVER visit) to depressed to sad, to keeping a stiff upper lip to not even caring and all the way back to petulant. I'm not even sure they would have mentioned it if I hadn't asked about the weather up there and if it was gonna impede the trip. I actually kind of believe they would have waited as long as they could until telling me. Like I would get all hysterical on them or something. Right, like I LET my family know how I feel. I'm raw. I wanted to see them, and now there are so many excuses. What it comes down to, is that with my family, I can't ever believe. I had hoped my sister was trustworthy, but after all the planning and my switching crap around for my vacation days, it turns out she isn't. I'm sad. And sure that I'll never see my family again. I could visit them, except I don't have a car, and I sure as hell don't have money for a plane trip. Especially not for Derek a...

Anyone have one of those days where you are just depressed for no reason? I think part of it is that my child has decided he is the seed of satan. He is gonna be spending a TON of time in his room, if he doesn't start behaving. Plus, I've realized that I am NEVER gonna be able to get outta the house again. Especially without the kid. At least for anything fun, only work and shopping. I know, I need to quit my bitching, my life is easy compared to others I am sure. I just want to drink and play pool. Why can't the bar be kid friendly? ;p I've been so damn good all week. I came to work(except Monday), even though every day has seemed harder to get out of bed. I've made my lunch instead of charging it. I even cut carrot sticks this morning, since I ran out of carrot chips. Carrots are really the best mindless snack I've found. But, no payoff. No rewards, nothing to look forward to. Sure, I get paid tomorrow and I have Saturday off, but I have to work Sunday and I j...