Random Thoughts

Why is it that too many people I know end up in jail? Do I just make friends with people with loose morals? These are people I like, hell, even love, and they end up in jail for doing the crappiest things. I just don't understand it, I've never felt the need to threaten people, hurt people, commit despicable acts against people you love. I don't get it. I'm so confused, and dismayed, yes, that's the word. I won't say that I'm a fine upstanding citizen, I've done stupid crap, I've done illegal things, I had a whole brief (thankfully) love affair with shoplifting. Maybe it was having a kid, maybe it was becoming 18 and fully responsible for myself, but I find that I am a scaredy cat, for want of a better description. I don't like lying, I don't like dealing with police men, I don't like feeling like a criminal. All of those things I used to do... Well, I never liked the police officers, even though they were never mean or assholes, just nor...

It's really vacation time now! We kicked Derek out the door sent him off the California around noon. All in all? I'm doing good. Nothing from attorneys. I fully intended to call them today, but Ben has to run errands that need the phone. In any case, I'm feeling good. It may be misplaced, but I kind of feel like them not calling me back is a good thing. Like maybe they are having a hard time finding so-called proof that I owe them. Who knows. I still feel better about the whole damn thing now that I know for sure I can declare bankruptcy if they feel like being complete assholes about it. So, I'm good, I hope everyone else is good. I'm relaxed, I have a whole weekend to myself. Sure, I have to present shop and grocery shop, but who cares? I have until a week from next Wednesday to get anything done I might need to have done, so hurray for that. This vacation stretches before me like a red carpet. Who wants to bet it'll be over before I know it and I will feel l...

So, I was thinking more about why I'm letting this whole thing get so overwhelming. I'm not just supporting my kid, I'm effectively supporting a family at this point. I'm terrified of letting them down, of failing. Is this how all heads of household feel? Damn, I had it easy for awhile. It's a scary thought. I met with a lawyer yesterday. Very nice guy, seemed like he actually cared, which does not fit well with my lawyer=shark thoughts. He told me that they were unlikely to care why I stopped paying. But that my answer (the one I drew up on my OWN!) was "not a bad answer", and he checked the statute of limitations for me and made sure it was the 6 years I had been reading. Basically he told me that the lawyers would actually prefer I draw it out, as long as they win. If I win, they are out all the money and work, but that in most cases they do win. So it's great for them to pad their expenses and then I have to pay that much more. If I am correct, an...

I'm willing to bet a million dollars (and boy could I use it) that my straight edge father does not watch South Park, oh, probably EVER. So he'd really have no idea why I'm SO tickled pink that he sent us a Swiss Colony Beef Log, along with a whole assortment of treats. I've been listening to "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" ever since. How much does it make me smile (something else I really need lately) that Cartman freaks out over the Beef Log? And if that's not good enough, then Kyle being the saddest Jew on Christmas will be. ("I'd be merry, but I'm hebrew").

That song sucks. But I needed something that had "believe" in it. See, I BELIEVE that the reason I am losing my (figurative) shit all over the place over this court thing is because I've become too used to people being able to help me. It's a good thing, but it makes me worry that I've become too dependent on others. If I've learned nothing else in my life, it's that you can really only depend on yourself. At least that's what I learned from my family, what I've learned from friends is that they will help you if they can. They will bend over backwards to help you, even if your own mother can not send you some pictures of your grandmother. Pictures only. I don't ask her for any money, even though she did just buy a house. I don't ask her for anything. My own mother. The same person who was too busy stuffing her nose full of coke to do laundry. To even be able to PAY to do laundry. How many times did I sort through my dirty clothes, hoping to...

Yes, I did have to spell it that way. It's said like "anotha", I'm keeping it right. I'm not sure why I thought that this part of the process would be any better. But I read somewhere that if you are going to waste time worrying about things when you don't know how they will turn out, you might as well "worry" that they will turn out well. So, I was faintly optimistic on Monday when I went down to Legal Aid for this whole being sued business. Turns out? I'm not poor enough. The really suck thing is that I might be poor enough if I said I supported Ben, but then we have to get all involved in his money that he can't touch. Meaning, I would need to have his financial information and I don't know if it will help or hinder me. The main reason I say 2 in the house when they ask me, I never know if adding him is a good thing or not. My housing payments went down when he stopped receiving money. Maybe that's a good sign? I don't know whe...

I think I'm beyond caring at this point. I hope so. No crying, just hopelessness. Awesome. My bank has charged me overdraft fees because I couldn't deposit money in the damn ATM. It wouldn't work or accept my cash, or whatever the hell. New and improved, my ass. 40 dollars. I sent them a message on line, we'll see what they do. I DID call and talk to someone yesterday, and she said they empty the bins out at night. I tried Tuesday night, and Wednesday. No luck, so OBVIOUSLY, they did not empty the bins the night before. They better waive those charges. My kid has been having major tantrums lately. Literally FREAKING out at home. And I guess he's had a rough time twice this week at school. I don't know what to do. We took away his video games for a week already from the tantrum the other night, and now he still had problems today. I don't know what else to do. I'm half tempted to take away his California trip with his dad. But that just means less time ...

I love that cartoon. Makes me sad that it is no longer. Penguins are cool, m'kay? So, we (the Ducks) lost Saturday. We suck. Actually it was REALLY close. Which I guess makes for a good game. The power went off last night at 12:30 or so. Everything just quit. I was ALMOST asleep and then that happens. I didn't really get into a good sleep until it came back on...at 2 am. I was so worried that Derek would wake up, freak out when the hall light wasn't on, and just about lose it. Instead (Do you know the phrase "Driven to distraction"? - I would kind of like to take a scalpel and cut all my skin off. Every bit of it. I'm SO ITCHY, no rhyme or reason. I've taken to pinching my skin where it itches instead of itching. I'm SO irritated, both in my head and on my skin. When my skin stops itching, my head starts. I hate this weather. I hate Oregon right now. I'd like to live in Hawaii, and I think I'm going to once Derek gets older. Hopefully. I was ha...

Seems like it always happens that whenever I have to get up early, early and go to work I don't sleep well. At all. It makes me sad, cause then I have to be here for like..almost ten hours today and on top of everything I'm so tired. Meh. Coffee only irritates my stomach, so keeping awake that way does not help me. I'm seriously entertaining the thought though, even though I know it's a bad idea. In any case, I hope everyone else's Saturday was better than mine, as I am working. And hope that the Ducks win, k? I have a real, honest to god vacation coming up. I've never had enough time saved up to take a week off, and so in like...May last year I sat down and figured it all out and realized it was my year for Christmas with Derek, so I planned well. I'm going to be off from the 21st to the 2nd. People keep asking me what I'm going to do on my vacation. HA! I'm gonna sit at home, it's Christmas time, I don't have any extra money, I'm just g...

I don't know if I have to be stressed before the holidays so that I can be less stressed later or what. Last year I bought Ben the iPod. Little can be better than that. I have no idea what to get him. I have no idea what I can afford. This last check was nice, for about two seconds. Then the reality hit and I had to pay SUB who I had delayed in favor of Derek's birthday, and the trash bill. Add rent to that, and I'm pretty much poor. Less than poor actually, but I always make it work. It just means that I'll have to borrow from the next check. Which is what really sucks, cause that's my holiday money. I don't know how people can afford to have more than one child. I don't know what to get Derek either, I can only charge so much to my store account before it comes back to bite me in the ass. Strangely, Fingerhut is offering me credit. It's so tempting, but I'm pretty sure that they would not approve me if I tried. I believe I still owe them money. Cre...

Well that was a fairly dramatic note to leave the blog on. I haven't been upset or anything, just busy. Just something I had to say, but way dramatic. I'm like that. In any case. I meant to post this Tuesday, when I started it. It took longer than that, obviously. I meant to post this last night, but I got sucked into my book. I was about halfway through it yesterday, now I'm done. I devour books towards the end of them. Good ones, anyhow. On that note, here's my blog post. So, guess what I did this past week? Smucked up my back pretty badly. I fell asleep Friday night, woke up not even an hour later hurting badly. I can't sleep correctly. Or correctly to me, which is on my stomach. That hurts too bad and there is no moving easily, cause apparently, I use the muscle I smucked up to move my legs around in bed. Feels like I'm rolling around like a smucking turtle. I like smuck as a word. Just so you know. So, since it's been better after this weekend, I've...

I'm prone to flights of fancy. Have been since about, well since forever. Whenever I start to feel unappreciated, instead I think, well maybe I will die tomorrow, some horrible death and then they will miss me and understand and appreciate me more. It's not to the extent that I would make it happen (dying), only that I think it will make others care about me. Like most things I do. Ha. Then I start to think things like... 1. If I die tomorrow, Ben would wish he had married me and he would miss me. (that's the biggest thing I got for him, LOL and really marriage becomes less and less of a safe haven for me) 2. If I die tomorrow, everyone at work would cry for a million days (I'm extreme, I know) and realize how awesome I really was. 3. If I die tomorrow, all my "friends" that haven't made time for me, haven't bothered to see me even would all of the sudden care about me and miss me. Silly, I know. They probably wouldn't even notice. Much like I did...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bad day at work. I'm full of the hate. I'm itchy and bitchy cause of the weather. My co-worker can do as she likes, come in when she pleases, then claim that it's due to my scheduling. I swear to god she is a habitual liar, and I am just so angry. Instead of just taking the blame, she blames it on my schedule. Suck it up lady! Quit blaming everything on everyone else. Quit whining about being here late. I've been here 5 years and I still have to be here late EVERY DAY. She always gets out early on Friday, I do not. From what you say when you are habitually lying, it sounds like you used to work at night all the time, so why is 7 such a problem? I hate you. Just so you know. I wish that I didn't have to work anywhere near you. I'm so frustrated with it all, I could just cry. Instead I will sit here, not cry and wish that things were different while my head hurts.

Mission: Accomplished. Got to the courthouse as early as I could. 8, almost on the dot. Waited to have my form notarized, ran up to the courtroom (waited until 8:30!), had them sign off on my fee deferral. Answer? I have to pay the fee, but I can make payments! HURRAY! Went back down to the original room, had to have them stamp the papers, plus she gave me a few pointers, so I furiously added some lines to the bottom of the "answer" quickly. They did not give me a court date, so I feel a little relieved. This could potentially mean that it won't go all the way to court (in my head, no one told me this). Maybe they will decide not to go that far since I am not taking it lying down. In any case, the "answer" is filed. They can't garnish me without taking me to court now. I feel really relieved. So very relieved. If it buys me enough time to get to tax return season, than perhaps I should do the bankruptcy thing. If it means I won't be garnished for the re...

I'm starting to believe I'm fucked. Seriously. Not being able to pay the debt is not a defense. I think I have a defense, but no real proof. SO WTF? Do I just let them garnish my wages and pay less ultimately or do I fight it and potentially have to pay their court and attorney costs on top of the debt? And should I have just fucking called them originally and set up payments for less than I owed? How do I not know any fucking lawyers? I need a lawyer friend please.

Boobs. Who knew? LOL. These are my favorites.. Kim Stephanie and Geneva Enjoy.

Bad day y'all. I'm pretty convinced that my ass is going to get sued off, I couldn't file anything at court today cause I needed actual papers. Some sort of form. It's going to cost $129.00; which I really don't have since my son would like to have a birthday. How can my week get so shitty, so quickly? The lady at the court house told me I had three options... 1. Get a lawyer. Ha. Like I can afford that. 2. Go to Willamette Stationers. 3. Go to the library at the court house and look up some examples and draft my own. I chose number three. And they gave me a form for fee deferral based on my income. Hopefully that will work and it won't actually cost me anything. I'm really fucking convinced that the Statute of Limitations ran out before they served me papers, but have I kept everything from 2001? Nope. No way. In my papers, I've alleged that I stopped paying in July. Which was when I stopped paying everything else. They didn't write it off until Nov...

Besides the hooligans. I hate the hooligan teenagers. It's how I know I'm getting old, I groan every time I have to be near a group of teenagers. And I really like the word "hooligan", cause it will not get me in trouble. Not like bitches! will. Pretty much all of Accounting dressed up, with a few exceptions. We decorated the whole place and I think we did a damn good job. It was a lot easier to mimic the toga party from "Animal House" than to mimic "Pleasantville". Our IT/Marketing/One extra person did "Shaun of the Dead". I'm so super jealous, but hardly anyone in Accounting has even watched that movie. They wouldn't have known how to dress. They did a fantastic job of it though! I'm glad someone got to use it, as it's pretty much the best zombie movie ever! At one point, talk turned to RHPS and someone was asking what it was about. They had never seen it 0_o. I KNOW! It's one thing not to have seen it live, entirely...

Maybe. Who knows. I offered today to work Saturday's game. At the game. Something I've never done. Will there be stupid people there? Most likely. Hopefully, I can muddle through. The only reason I agreed? A FULL DAY of overtime. I need it right now, and it should be lovely when I get there. 1:30 pm to 9:30 pm, so at least it won't be early on Saturday, and not terribly late since I don't have to work Sunday. Since it's after the new month, I won't see it until payday on the 21st, but still, it should even out birthday expenses incurred for Derek's birthday. Which I still have to make invitations for. Eek. We are trying to figure out how many kids, how long, if we want to feed them, if we should do a movie (like they'll sit still!), and all that. He's allowed one friend to stay the night, and for right now, he says that friend is Josh. I'm going to have to hold him to it soon, as I will also need to figure out how many people so that I can make...

Me (wonderful me): What did you learn at church today? Derek (precocious son): I learned about pumpkins and how we are like pumpkins. Me: We? Pumpkins? How so? Derek: Christians. Me: o_O...Christians? You and I? Derek: Yeah. Me: I'm not a Christian, you can be one if you'd like, but I'm not. That's a religion and you can pick which religion you'd like, and I don't really have a religion. Derek: Oh. Maybe not Christian, some other word? Me: People? Homo sapiens? We are both that. Derek: Nah. Ok. So. I can see why he'd just think that everyone was like him. Much as he believed that since George Bush is president, everyone MUST have voted for him. No way, dude. I like that he had fun. I even like that he wants to go back. I'm happy that he has found something to believe in for now. Kids and Faith are a lot more common than Adults and Faith. I'm at a loss about how to talk about such things with him some times. I don't want to make him think it'...

I'm completely blanking on relevant song lyrics lately. You know what else? I email myself ideas all the time. My hotmail account has like...10 pages of emails from me. Little ideas to blog about, more fleshed out ideas. And yet I can't ever seem to just sit and branch out on the ideas. Then I get pissed when I want to type but don't have anything to say. But I tend to forget about the emailed ideas until I go clean out my Hotmail account. Which I hadn't checked since September last time I looked at it. I get home and I mean to post and then all I can do is get my kid to bed, eat dinner, and sit on the bed with Ben and chill. I don't even look at the computer. Part of it is self preservation as I know that I could very well look up and realize it's almost midnight and I have to get up at 6! I'm too old to stay up so late. Especially since I wake often in the night. I'm convinced I need a sleep number bed. It will make my waking up not happen. Sure. LOL. ...

"Life's short and hard like a body building elf, so save the planet and kill yourself. If you're feeling down and out, wondering what life is all about, lift your head up high and blow your brains out." No, I'm not depressed, actually Bloodhound Gang makes me kind of happy. (For being somewhat depressing lyrics, it's set to a really up tempo beat. That's what I love about Bloodhound Gang, they sing about some crazy shit, but it's always upbeat as far as the music.) That's just the way I'm going to feel after Saturday. We open EARLY and I could possibly be here for 10 hours if they need me. We're only planning for about 9 hours so far, so possible O/T is a good thing. It is just not something I'm looking forward to. I have to make the walk to Springfield Station again at 6:40 am, or else be 5 minutes late. I might do that this time. Don't know yet. I don't have money for the Dutch this time though. Derek is going to go to a frie...

Yesterday marked my fifth year of work here, according to my A/R record. My boss is a bit more confused on the actual day and I'll tell you that I do not remember. What I do remember was how quiet I was for like...the first year. I thought I would do everything wrong and I was still getting used to doing things the bookstore way. Everything was good, even if I was as scared as a mouse and made less noise than one. I was SO happy to have a job that actually utilized my degree. Now I can't help but laugh about how angry I used to get over perceived "unfairnesses". Then I grew up a little more and realized that the world is not even, is not fair. Something I should have already known really. What about my life was ever fair? Ha. I think that school was fair. I think I got used to everyone being treated the same way and the "easiness" of school. So coming into a job where certain people are treated differently was weird. Some of it was normal, since others had b...

I just read Karen's letter to Derek. I know it was not addressed to me, but it was open and on the table. She is really amazing. And she is in an un-enviable position, being the person married to Jake. She has to deal with his "I forgot"s and all that. Plus, she has to tread eggshells around me. That's the impression that I get. And I feel for her. I don't want to put her in that position, but she often ends up being the middle person between Jake and I. We are both stubborn assholes and yet she deals with it. It was a very nice letter, detailing how much she misses my son. I really couldn't ask for more in a step mom. I abhorred my own step mother, and I only hope that Derek adores his. Scratch that, I know Derek likes her. It's obvious when he brings up how Karen does "this" this way, and you know what? I end up butthurt over it, when I should really be saving up these moments to share with her. Moments that would make her realize that while ki...

I'm particularly "posty" tonight, sorry. I guess. Unless this entertains you. I'm having a hard time realizing that I'm really kind of a spoiled bitch. I'm not sure how it happened, as I used to sleep outside and live on the streets. Which means, NO TV, y'all. But my cable rocks my world now, and maybe that's sad, I don't know. I've been having problems with the "on demand" feature, and so this week the cable people came and gave me a new cable box. Which means...that I was FINALLY able to watch the season premiere of CSI. All I really wanted to know was if Sara lived or not. The added addition of seeing "Mr. Heckles" from friends was awesome. I just finished it and finished crying over it. I'm an emotional girl as we all know. I've loved CSI for a very long time now. Not since the beginning as I didn't get the concept, but for many years now. Ben does not really like it, so I watch it On Demand. And I always won...

I'm going to preface this by saying it's really my own damn fault, I made my bed and all that, but that does not mean I can not bitch about it now on my blog, cause I am a whiny bitch. Ok, end disclaimer. I was having a really good week. Really good. 1. The landlord's husband came over and fixed the front porch light, and the washer. I think there might be a leg missing on the washer, or else I really overload every load. I suppose it's possible. But YAY! Front porch light works again, and the washer shouldn't bang against the wall every time I do laundry. 2. The painter man came over and painted the front door black. I, again, have a bi-color door. This is made marginally better by the fact that it is black/white and not blue/orange. It's very strange though, cause now my door is black. I'm not sure I'm used to it yet. The most important thing is that while he was there Ben asked about the garage door (my house is falling apart y'all, but I don...

It could be that I know I have to go home and then go shopping when I get home. It could be that I know the day is not going to be over until 10 or so what with the shopping. It could be that I slept through the alarm and have been scrambling ever since. It could be that I stayed up too late? Though I slept through the night and didn't wake up once that I remember which is rare for me, so you'd think I'd be ahead. I didn't have coffee at home, so maybe I just need to drink more. I just feel drained at this point. It is most likely because I worked Saturday, had one day off to do errands and a whole bunch of bullshit, and then came back to work. So maybe I just need a real weekend. I know that other people do it all the time, some people never have a day off and work 2 different jobs and my hat is off to them cause I could not handle that. I've made a ton of posts and tried to finish them, but they don't feel complete. I've been working on one for like a week...

LOL. I walked it, and it wasn't really that dark or that scary. I even bought myself a Dutch Bros. coffee to bring with me. And a new cup, so that I could actually bring it on the bus. My new Dutch cup is awesome. That is all. So far, so good for the day. We'll see how it pans out.

One Doctor's appointment down! Weight? Down a bit too. Which is awesome. I was all set to blame it on the steroids too. And now I don't have to. It would seem that having nothing taste good helped me not eat as much. Go figure. *smirk* My blood pressure was up though. Probably in response to the absurdly late bus that almost made me late for my appointment. Why is it that when you are in a hurry, people have to get off at every stop? And not just that, but they are take FOREVER to get off the bus. I don't know how bus drivers can stand it. It drives me crazy, I quite literally wanted to scream when I got off the bus and realized I had 4 minutes to get to the appointment that I probably should have been 10 minutes early for. I made it, but just barely. She's prescribed me Psuedoephedrine. The real stuff that you can only get OTC anymore. She's determined it's an allergy and I'm going to go with that. Honestly? I don't have the time, energy, or money to de...

Went out for sushi Saturday with Jenn. And coffee! Cause I love coffee. I had my favorite roll and it was either better this time or my throat is honestly better. =) I didn't get Gyoza, cause I thought I would pick up something off the bar that was small and relatively cheap. Save money and stomach space for coffee. =) Well, what I picked wasn't any cheaper, but it was yummy. All cooked, something orange and SPICY in the middle. With cooked eel on top. The eel was YUMMY. Like fish. It was so spicy that it definitely made a impression on my taste buds. All in all a very good date. We talked about this and that and the other things. Shopping, and McDonalds and kids and so on. You all know. Then we hit up the Dutch on 7th street. We also hoped like hell that Mouse wouldn't show up. And it worked! It was strange to sit on 7th and have so many cars go by us. The weather is definitely turning towards fall, cause I started to get chilled. We walked back to her car, she gave me a r...