Random Thoughts

This week at work was HELL. Each individual day felt SO long, but the week went by quick. If that makes sense. Rush week is just busy as hell at work. (DAMN! I just realized I forgot to call this guy and leave him a message about the check we sent out Friday. CRAP.) I was looking forward to Friday ALL week, Heather came to pick me up from work..(It's BEEN too long since someone picked me up straight from work to go have fun. It makes the day fly by, or at least not matter so much...cause it's like....well, in a couple hours it'll be the weekend and I already have FUN planned, so what the hell do I care?) I don't think I've gone out directly from work for anything fun since May, when I went to ThatGirly's party and Karina picked me up from work for that. So yeah, it was a rough week. It was bash the schedule week and I'm still new at it. Which is why I always have them check it over, before it's finalized. Any problems or concerns need to hammered out the...

I'm just tired. So NO POST FOR YOU. I've been reading a little tonight. I'm not caught up. I'm not ignoring anyone, I SWEAR. Rush is kicking my ass all over the place. That and it was bash the schedule week, and I've gotten really sick of hearing it. More to follow. I am SO GOING OUT TO BEER WITH HEATHER TOMORROW! FOR SURE! I've got her CD made and I drew this CUTE little cow. Thank god for the internet and easy to draw cartoons. I have to go to bed now though. Please forgive me for not being more posty.

Ariel got me, so here it is. I have been lazy and have not done it yet. I obviously avoided all contact with the computer yesterday. Rush is upon me and I am SO looking forward to going out with Heather for beers on Friday! Cross your fingers for me that dumbasses don't call in sick and make her work. Thank you. 1… Things that scare me * Ghosts - Derek told me that he was scared of ghosts the other night and I told him that he was safe and there were no ghosts. HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW THERE ARE NO GHOSTS? I don't. And I bet you are laughing. Ben smirked a little. Being rational is pretty damn hard at 3 in the morning when I first wake up and I can't see anything cause my eyes haven't adjusted to the dark. * Derek getting hurt - I don't handle crisis well. I panic, and I have been known to make things worse. My sister cried less when she got the tip of her finger tore off that I did. I was SURE my mom was gonna kill me, even though it was an accident. She wasn't t...

So, next week is going to be crazy. And I have a weird schedule, so you all might not hear from me. I don't know. Just a warning. I might have time, I might not. Friday was rather quick, thank god. I went shopping with Karina and that was fun, like usual. Her pants are KEWT and made her look hot. Derek had started acting crazy, cause he wanted to spend the night at a friend's house. He was like the little dog in this cartoon. Luckily, by the time I came home, he was at their house for the night. So he could at least stop asking me if he could go over there. We decided to go out for a little bit. We rushed through putting away the fridge stuff and ran out the door. It was fun, until we missed the bus. Luckily, I called Heather and offered up a six pack, if she would come and get us. She did and we came back to the house. Drank some beers, talked about all sorts of crap, from work to realizing that Ben has known her longer than I have, but I know her better. I LOVE HEATHER. I lov...

Deanna posted a whole blog about everyone at work, and she is awesome and nicer than I am. But I'll give it a try. Jennie - Is awesome. Sometimes she gets stressed and starts telling me what to do when I know, but don't we all get stressed? She still rocks all over the place. I'll never forget us sneaking wine in on Faculty Night. Is it really sneaking if they let you have wine? We felt like we were being sneaky. Kathy H - She always listens to me when I run on at the mouth. I don't know why, but she listens and is extremely sympathetic as her daughter has to deal with an ex, due to their child, and it makes like really hard. She's really awesome too. She called me Desi once and I guess I shot her a look (I do this all the time without even being aware, I guess) and so she makes VERY sure not to call me that. Jerri - Like Deanna said, very extreme, but pretty funny. She knows what's going on around the bookstore and who is doing what so it's fun to listen to...

I had a dream about him the night before last. I dreamt that his wife and him came over to watch a movie, and then his wife fell asleep? And Ben was coming to watch the movie too, but he wasn't there yet, which effectively left us alone together. And NOTHING weird happened. We didn't flirt like we always used to (it made me uncomfortable when he tried to do it after being married), and we didn't get mad at each other. We also didn't do anything stupid like kiss. I view this dream as progress. It's awesome that I put that time alone together in there, cause often I wonder what would happen if we were alone together. That's when he always got to me. When other people were around, I had some pride and knew better, but by myself? All I wanted was to be with him. Anyhow. Waking up from that dream and getting laid really started my day off right. Now I can rest assured that I would not be retarded and do anything stupid if left alone with him. I can even rest assured ...

I went down and got the barbell in my nose downsized. It was sticking out like an INCH...ok, not really. It just felt like it. And when I would press it back against the skin, I could feel the other side on the other side of my nostril. It was weird. But now I can barely feel it and it took about ten seconds to change it out and only cost $10.80. The same guy who pierced it, changed it. Not that he remembered me. I know his name, it's Daif. But that's cause I don't get pierced by a bunch of different people in one day, like he pierces a ton of people. And I'm not a regular, though I'd like to be. It's too spendy. Hah! Twyla at work was like...well, you know..if you want to get something pierced you could get your nipple done. And then she was like...GUYS DO IT. And Erin said...so do girls. 0_o..Seriously, the things Twyla says sometimes are just weird, not that there is anything wrong with nipple piercings, but the way she was justifying it, like boys do it? Wha...

A while back, Karina and I were talking and she said that she thinks that blogging is kinda passive aggressive. I wasn't ready to acknowledge that. I couldn't allow it to become something "bad", which is the way I view passive aggressive-ness. I've since come to terms with it. It really is passive aggressive. Some days more than others. And it's not ALWAYS passive aggressive. I couldn't admit it was at the time cause I NEEDED blogging to still be something "good". I could justify it if it was "good". If it became something bad, how could I blog? If that makes sense. I've thought about it quite a bit since that talk. It might be passive aggressive, but that is about the only kind of aggressive I can actually let out. Anger has NEVER felt "safe". Anger filled my house while I grew up, my mom was angry, my step father was angry, I was angry as hell, but I couldn't (or didn't) say anything. I don't know if it...

I KNOW today isn't Monday, but it FEELS like Monday. I keep doing this or that and thinking...oh, that is SMART! YAY! I am smart today. Until I realize I am not really making it any easier, only making more of a problem on myself. And others. For instance, someone needed to send mail out to the UK, so I thought...well, it'd be easier to just put the envelope through our meter, and I was all excited for thinking about it. Except AIR MAIL needs stamps, not postage strips. Ick. So instead we got screwed out of .84 cents. I KNOW it's only .84 cents. But it was a bit of my pride as well. In better news, I'm LOVING my "new" music on my IPOD. Portishead makes me happy. And I must confess, I'm in LUST. Not with any new boy, or girl. *giggle* No, I am in LUST with the new DAMN ipods. Can you tell I'm a little annoyed, on top of the lust? They are COLORED! I could've had a PINK Ipod! Or green or blue. =( And they are 2 gigs, when mine is only 1, and the re...

I watched the goddamn end of the football game on Saturday. Seriously, I'm so pissed off. I found myself actually thinking it out and thinking about these damn football guys and how this play made sense and this and that. I don't want to LIKE football. I don't want to analyze the damn football. I swear, I only left it on so that I could see who won. Us! By ONE POINT. It was crazy at the end, I thought for sure they were gonna break our winning streak. 3 in a row. Dammit, I shouldn't know that. Everywhere I go, I am surrounded by the football. Once my aunt was like.....I'm gonna tell your dad, you don't like football. And I was like....yeah, I'm 20, who the hell cares. Now I am watching it. And ALMOST liking it. Or at least it's making sense. Meh.

I don't know if the weather has changed my mood or what. But I've definitely been in a funk. Part of it is being able to talk to my sisters, but not be with them. I miss them. I think part of it was the music, I ended up listening to music that makes me delve a little too far into my psyche. So, instead we listen to Hole. It might make me angry, but it won't make me depressed. And Bjork! Post is awesome. Thanks to Paul, who influenced me on this album. Also, Bikini Kill. I blame Joi for my interest in Bikini Kill and Portishead. She was my Rebel Girl! They say she's a slut, but SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND YEAH! I miss her sometimes. Other times I just get mad, cause we could totally still be friends, but she just decided we couldn't. Why? I don't know. Part of me thinks she didn't want her husband to know the craziness we used to get up to. But really....any body on campus has a Joi story. So I don't know how the hell she expected him not to hear them Otherwis...

ALL THE LAUNDRY IN THE HOUSE IS DONE. No one is allowed to take off their clothes, I've informed them all. Unfortunately, as of this moment, I have no child support check (due tomorrow) and Jake called about an hour ago. I wanted to check the message before I called him back, and instead he didn't leave one. Ass. (Edit - He only wanted to tell me he sent it out this morning and what he SAID last time...yeah right, was that the rest would FOLLOW the first check. I'm SURE I clarified with him, but WTH, right? At least it's in the mail. Almost on time.)

Derogatory Devotee You are 57% capable of making other people's ears hurt! So, how'd you do? I'm impressed, you've managed to get through life without going completely overboard on the bad language! No Courtney Love-style socialising for you. You're comfortable with your rough language, but you don't go mad with it, and I'm guessing this makes you less likely to get punched by others. Which is awesome, since being beaten up is such a drag anyway. You might pull out the swear words on occasion - or you might just know all the various slang well. Either way, you know to use a little rough language on occasion, just to show that you mean business. What occasion, I hear you ask? Well, some people find talking dirty arousing. Sometimes swearing can be helpful in looking touch when one of those hoodlum-types approaches you. Using some language on your boss may also be effective in stirring things up, but maybe that's just me. Either way, be care...

Derek has been grounded. Not even two weeks into school and he's already in trouble. He's been going over to this kid's house, and the kid comes over here, it's pretty amusing. And I am SO glad that there is someone in the neighborhood that he can play with. That first week of visiting, the other kid came here, Derek went there the next day, and I think the day after that. Ben made sure to meet the parents, get an impression, explain our rules, especially regarding video games. Apparently, they let their son play games that are rated T and crap? I don't know...different strokes and all that. It's really not that big of a deal, as long as Derek doesn't play them. I mean...they're not cokeheads and they seem to be ok people, so hurray. I'm glad he's got someone to play with. Unfortunately, while Derek was at friend's house, they decided to walk back here. Yeah...we don't even let Derek walk home from school alone. Or to school. There are si...

So. I finished my "Pretty Little Dirty" book last weeked. While a lot of it was about their friendship and the way things change, and the way they always came back to each other... Well...quite a bit was about the way she was dealing with her mother as well. Her mother, who was too depressed to move, too depressed to be a mother. Just another case of a mother abandoning her child. Even while living in the same house. Not that I'm blaming the mother in the book. This was a time when people didn't understand psychological issues easily. She really just doesn't like her mother. She most likely, feels abandoned, and "punishes" her mother for it. Just as I did. Just as I still do, at least in my head sometimes. These thoughts are what put me down in the dark last week. I started off the week, already upset, and ready to be upset about anything else. I didn't REALIZE how much of an effect the book had on me. How much it affected my emotions. Most of the ti...

Kinda big, but you get the point.

Heather came to see me at work today! I was just lamenting not seeing people, and then she drove all the way out to my work to show me her car. It's cute. Yellow, but cute. =) It was good to be able to talk to her. For a little while anyhow. I hope next time is longer! I almost came running back out to tell you I was off at 4:30 and that maybe we could go get a beer! But then I realized you wouldn't want to wait that long..just to go get a beer with me. It was good to see you anyhow. I say you owe me a "night" or at least a decent hang out time, just cause I can! I'm such a pain in the ass! I know.

I've got new friends! I've got Jen and Deanna from work. We had too much fun Saturday. Too much fun for WORK. =) Jen made me a bunch of labels, she is the label-making queen. She made me one for my ipod, one for my stapler, and one for my water bottle. She's very nice and very funny. Unfortunately, she is on vacation, so I am missing her. She is too much fun and makes me smile when I don't want to. She calls me Desi, or Desi Ray-ray. And that makes me smile too. I like getting a new nickname. She is just so enthusiastic, Deanna too. I like working with happy, enthusiastic people who have a sense of humor. It makes the work day that much more fun. Deanna and I kept flicking each other crap today, so that made it better, even if Jen is gone on vacation. I hope she is having fun, and I hope this week goes FAST. I've never seen either of them be grumpy, and I know that is hard. I have grumpy days, and bitter days. =) Deanna just got back from Uganda, cause she is selfle...

I listened to Christina on Friday. It made me cry. It often does. If I can make it through all the rest of the CD, when I get to I'm Ok, I just lose it. When she whispers...and I'm ok. She doesn't sound ok. She sounds like she is only trying to convince herself. I'm OK - lyrics. Once upon a time there was a girl In her early years she had to learn How to grow up living in a war that she called home Never knew just where to turn for shelter from the storm Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face Every time my father's fist would put her in her place Hearing all the yelling, I would cry up in my room Hoping it would be over soon Chorus: Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same And I still remember how you kept me so afraid Strength is my mother for all the love she gave And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday And I'm okay I often wonder why I've carried all this guilt When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I...

Since my brain is SHOT, I am thinking that perhaps this should take a list form, instead of me trying to make sense. Things that amuse me lately. 1. This kid was wearing a shirt yesterday that said I steal music. It was awesome and I SO want one. Sadly, they prolly don't make them for fat girls. 2. Deanna at work. She amuses me daily. 3. The walk I took today, it made me feel good and motivated and well, amused. Just cause. When I am doing something, I usually think of funny things. They amuse me. 4. My bank account has 25 whole cents in it...well, after checks and such. Not right now, right now I could be RICH. 5. I figured out what to do about Jake. I'm going to send a reminder letter, and then it will be out of my hands. They'll know and I won't have to talk to them. 6. My bigger, littler sister joined MySpace. I KNOW that's confusing. She's the one below me on the totem pole. 7. There will be hardly anyone at work tomorrow. This means it will be like vacati...

ANOTHER bad dream last night. I find they come with more frequency lately. I don't know if it's the change in the weather, Derek going back to school, or the things my mind chooses to dwell on lately. Either way, I've obviously been worrying a little too much. Or it wouldn't throw itself into my dreams like that. Last night, I dreamt that the landlord sent Section 8 out to talk to me and well...they never DID say I was going to be kicked out, but whenever I would try and just get them to say it, they would give me a sympathetic look and not tell me. I kept trying though..I kept saying things like....well, I thought it was all going great, but obviously it's not, cause you guys are here. Nothing I said worked and they never actually SAID I was gonna have to move, but I could tell. I tried explaining to them that I had no idea what they were talking about, and that she often would say one thing to me, and then turn around and make it a problem. =( They mentioned the f...

I got my child support for last month today. The DAY before we start the week I gave them to pay originally. The 12th through the 19th...and they just paid last months. I had thought the talk with Jake had went well. At least as well as can be expected, when you have to call someone to get your money. Why do I feel like a pimp? Why do I seriously want to just say..where's my money, bitch? Wouldn't that be effective and to the point? I rehearsed it in my head over and over...using different beginnings. I just realized I should have figured out the different possible outcomes. What if it hadn't gone the way I wanted? What would I say then? I didn't go that far...but I rehearsed the beginning. I was fucking NERVOUS the whole damn day. WHY am I nervous to talk to him? Maybe because we don't really get along. We did, for awhile after we broke up. Then I got involved with someone else and he got all pissy. No more sex for him. I guess it pissed him off. He was a royal ass...

Ariel tagged me. 1) A book that changed my life: All the crappy little romance novels I read. I've got to high of standards, and I know weird words, and I can spell well. I used to read them...like one a day. I thought they were fantastic. The stuff of romantic fantasies. Perhaps that's stupid. Or maybe this one book..that I can't remember the name of. It was at LCC and dealt with childhood sexual abuse. It told me a lot of things that really helped. Things that I had felt guilty over for too long are so common on those cases. Instead, I started to get mad. I'm still fucking mad. =S 2) A book that I've read more than once: Quite a few Stephen King novels, but the best are IT, Insomnia, and The Talisman. Other than that? V.C. Andrews novels, before I packed them all up and put them in the garage. 3) A book I'd take to a deserted island: I think that I should take War and Peace, cause it looks HUGE. Jen at work read it this summer. She's SUCH an over achiever...

Here is the video. I don't know why YouTube sucked and their customer service....well, there was NO customer service. Bastards. I finally figure it out on my own.

My Personality Neuroticism 91 Extraversion 76 Openness To Experience 16 Agreeableness 37 Conscientiousness 31 Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report Bebo , MySpace Codes and hi5 by Pulseware Survey Software (From here on in, I couldn't get a code, so I just copied. No GRAPHS FOR YOU!) Personality Report Neuroticism 91 Extraversion 76 Openness To Experience 16 Agreeableness 37 Conscientiousness 31 You are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. As a practical person you like to think in plain and simple terms. Others describe you as down-to-earth, practical, and conservative. You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be carele...