Random Thoughts

Father’s day is not an awesome holiday for me. Last year I must have been so panicked about getting kicked out of my house and finding a new place…that it just kind of happened and I didn’t really think about it. This year was not the same. I thought I was fine and I would be fine and then I’d open facebook and see everyone talking about their dads..or my brain would pipe up and remind me how I didn’t have a dad anymore. Or a grandpa. Then I’d tear up and then I’d feel like a moron. I mean…should I still be this easy to tear up? Maybe it was just the holiday? It’s not like I see my dad any less now than I did before considering I hadn’t seen him since I was 12 almost 13. I always thought there would be time later. Of course I did. It’s one thing to know how unlikely it was for me to go to Colorado and see people, including my dad…but entirely another to know I CAN’T ever see him again. So I hid in my house, tearing up and trying to pretend I wasn’t….and I read. A whole ...

Grandpa’s birthday was St. Patrick’s Day. That’s how I remembered it so easily in a month filled with familial birthdays. My step father’s birthday was the 13th. I hate remembering that. But I do. This last weekend went by pretty uneventfully. Had myself a full on tantrum Friday night, even posted on twitter and sent messages directly to Ben ranting. Did I have a good reason? No, not really. It centered around food and I’d had too much to drink to be reasonable so instead I was an asshole. Woke up in the morning, feeling mortified at how angry I’d become. That’s me for you…throw food into the mix and if it’s not what I wanted I will either pout or rant. I need to stock up on snacks specifically for me I guess. So…I did something I’m not proud of. Ben was still sleeping, I saw that the messages I had sent didn’t say “read” so I deleted them from his iPod. Ha! He’d already read them but had chosen not to respond which was probably a good idea…of course later he was like…did you delete th...

So much to say. To the whole two people who read this. Hell, the only two people I allow to read this. Maybe not true. But I just need to write. Moving – I moved. Moving sucked. Dealing with the crazy ex landlord long after we moved SUCKS more. But my new house is kick ass. I loves it. I love my neighbor. It’s been a damn long time since I like anyone I lived next to this much. Plus, I’m close to a lot of things now. The old landlord has charged me way over my deposit. I counter offered. No response. So crazy. Also! I have a new neighbor who is also awesome and while sometimes I may feel a little left out cause her and Jenni are so close the only thing I can do about that is get to know her better. She’s a honey badger. Honey badger’s don’t give a damn. Death – It’s been over a year since Dad died. Last month he would have been 57. I hate that sentence. It screams UNFAIR to me. I miss him even though I didn’t see him much at all. Indeed not at all since just before I turned 13. My mom ...

A song set me off. Of course it did. What's the fucking point? When people die completely randomly like Charles with the leukemia for no fucking reason, or my dad falling and ending up brain dead... WTF? I suppose I should be thankful...but I'm just fucking pessimistic. Now my "mom" at work is in and out of the fucking hospital for some problems with her liver. A woman who is so healthy..and I just don't fucking get it. There doesn't seem to be an answer for her and it's been a month. 2 surgeries and another one a few days ago (and I haven't heard from her since...no need to tell you how fucking freaked out I am) and when I saw her last Tuesday she told me that during the first surgery, they "nicked" something. Had to get her out of surgery fast. It didn't hit me until later that night what she'd meant. She could have died on the motherfucking operating table. A place that was supposed to save her. Yes...I KNOW. Risks are ALWAYS invol...

Warning, this is going to be explicit. LOL. I should have a sticker, all to myself. I keep coming back to this other fond memory of Frank. I'd just started here at work, and I was meek and quiet..... (I CAN be those things, I know it's hard to believe, but if you remember the first time you met me, you'd probably recall that I tend to be quiet and hang out in the background until I get a feel for a person, though I can talk to strangers on the bus all the time..I'm crazy.."but you knew that though? I mean, I put out flyers..I ate a bunch of them...I'm dumb, dumb". Ok, enough of my Meatwad tangent. I I was training to do the deposit and I was still quiet and unsure of myself and learning, and Frank was talking to our deposit person about things and he cinched it for me right then. I had been wondering since I started if he was gay or not...and I didn't want to ask or be wrong or assume...it's hard to believe now that I was unsure. But he kept talkin...

That's kind of true actually. I am often at least in danger of dying in my dreams. This morning I dreamed that I was already back from vacation and had to be at work. =( I remember thinking how fast my vacation went by, and I guess that would be entirely true as it only started yesterday. Also? Valentine's day has been pretty much the best ever. Aside from all the death, but we'll get to that in a minute. Ben and I went out to breakfast, I got good smelling things for a present, our hard drive came via UPS, hurray for 3 times as much space! But there's been a pall over it all. And I didn't mean to rhyme right there. Someone at worked died recently. A week ago actually. He wasn't someone I knew well, but he always had a kind smile and was friendly. He wasn't very old either, so it's been quite a sobering week. I don't think it affected me that much, but then again I did tell someone that I hoped to live until 35, so that Derek will be 18 and an adult....