Random Thoughts

I just realized something. NONE of my siblings (that lived with me, one is) are married. Some of them can't be, as they are too young, so that skews the odds, but Misty is at least as old as my mom was when she got married to my dad. I just think it's weird that the only person married is the one who didn't grow up with our mother all those times she was (unhappily) married. Marriage and hard and scary. It looks like that from my point of view. Perhaps theirs as well. Don't get me wrong, I beat my mom by a good 4 years when I got pregnant, and I think she might have miscarried before me, so maybe I only have 3 years on her? Still I beat her at that. And I'm still not married. And I only have one kid. And I'm only gonna have one kid. Will I ever be married? I really like the idea of the wedding, I think, and I don't imagine it's much different than living together. Except part of me is not sure of that at all. Will we take each other for granted? Will we ...

To not eat anything for 9+ hours. Derek ate a TV Dinner, and I have been waiting for Ben to see if I should wait for him to eat. I am perfectly fucking capable of making myself something simple. Like a grilled cheese. I was even going to give up and make one and then he got here. And I didn't know how to admit I hadn't eaten, cause I'm really stupid in the head when I don't eat. I feel sick to my stomach, I want to cry about everything, and I'm in a bad fucking mood. So I just sat here getting more annoyed until I finally decided the easy way out would be to just say I was hungry and ask for some toast. To be fair, I still don't feel good. Instead of laying down or something and so that Derek wouldn't have to sit in the kitchen all by himself I started to tidy up. An hour and a half later all the dishes were done, coffee is ready to be turned on in the morning, egg salad is made, from the hard boiling to the cutting and mixing, and I still don't feel any...

1. I hate headaches. Especially constant ones. It was residing behind my right eye, but now is lodged firmly in the back of my neck. 2. I hate that sickly feeling in the back of my throat. 3. I hate how tired I am, and how everyone thinks I look like I'm mad. I am mad, so I guess I should just deal. 4. I hate doing the schedule. 5. I hate that I have a mountain of sick time built up, but I can't use it cause I am running out of time. Time to research last year's credits, time to do the schedule, and time in training for the system. Why must it all be at the same time? 6. I hate tonsiliths. For some reason whenever one pops out (which is often, since I seem to be eternally sick at this point), I have to smell it and poke at it. And they smell like horse buttholes. Hickory smoked horse buttholes. Actually, they might smell better if they had hickory smoke smell. Instead all I can think of is how bad my breath must smell. 7. I hate everything today. I hate tip-toeing around an...

It's been a weird summer. I get home and I don't even want to LOOK at the computer, so I get all lax about posting. It's just that I know that nothing entertaining will have popped up. People are enjoying the summer and avoiding their computers much like myself. My cousin was the most contact I had on MySpace, and I think I offended him. I tried to be thoughtful and give a really good answer, or at least my point of view on my music, and he insisted that that wasn't what he meant at all. I think we got it sorted out, but I don't know. I find myself worrying that we will end up with nothing to talk about. He listens primarily to Country, and is a virgin, and will be until he is married. It's completely commendable, but I just have such a hard time with it. People talk about how the natural progression of a relationship is to have sex about 2 or 3 months into it. I'm pretty sure that since I've been doing "it" most boyfriends and I did it almost...

I'm still very, very tired today, and I should probably just be sleeping right this very minute, but I can't. Suck. Do you know that one "Friends" where Rachel is pregnant and she is annoyed by Ross' very breathing? That's about how I feel. Annoyed because people exist and have to breath. I realized the other day that I am far more of a bitch than I used to be. I wanted to go up to this woman on the bus and tell her "It's called birth control, you should use some", but not wanting to get my ass kicked my common sense won out. But Jake? I swear, it's like a new thing every damn time I have to talk to him. In a civilized world where my kid knew how to use the phone I would not have to, but he seems to answer each time I call, and when he doesn't answer, Derek ALWAYS gives the phone back to him to hang up. And I always wait on the line, in case they actually want to talk to me. It would seem that they only talk to me cause by handing them t...

When they say that in Office Space? I groan every time. If someone made a scrunchy face at me at work and said "Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays"?, they might possibly end up dead. Not really. I don't think anyone likes Mondays in general, but I don't know anyone who would say something like that. Here at the bookstore, it's not your typical Monday. See, it's right after Audit, so a few people have went on vacation, a few people are off for Saturday, and about the only people we have here today are the kids. The kids=all interns and my cashiers. So, it's been quiet. Which is good and bad. No one to get on my case also means the day seems to go SO slow and I spend too much time taking a quick peek at the internet here and there. In the long run, I have to police myself. Audit is over, so that's a big thing gone. What I still need to do before they take all my files from last year away is to pull the remainder of the checks I need for ...

That really annoy me. We seem to need to have this desk fan on all the damn time. I get it, I'm usually hot, but I don't like it blowing RIGHT AT ME. My hair gets all up in my face, my bangs actually hit me in the eye often. It hurts! I've been lax with the blogging. But so have most people. It's summer and maybe that's why? Or perhaps I'm growing out of my blogging craze. I like the idea of something to look back on. Something being out there, maybe even after I'm dead, but blogging every day doesn't really seem to be working. I get little ideas in my head, and then they flutter off. My life is pretty fucking boring most of the time. Especially now that the kid is out of town. He's a great comic relief. There are still little things that amuse me. Accountants, and especially female ones? Completely neurotic. I know, I am one. I have my days, but for the most part I can laugh it off. It's just so hot and cold from day to day around here. Ben i...

I'm having a hard time of it today. You know, that whole being poor thing? We know we are heading to the fair tomorrow night and that we will spend money there, so I should not spend money tonight. But really? It's all I seem to want to do. First of all, I reminded Ben that we needed to have chicken tonight. 4 nights of dinner left planned, 3 of which are chicken. He apparently has started to hate chicken. Which just means I'm going to have to find a way to replace that in our menu choice. It wouldn't be such a damn problem, but he HAS to cut off all the pieces that don't look fantastic to him. Every extra inch of white fat? Cut off. So he hates it because he makes it hard. Which is not very kind of me to say, but I'm still not feeling well so I'm not feeling very kind. Since he dislikes the chicken, we are going to be eating more of some other very processed food. The chicken was like...the healthiest thing I could think of, and even that is done with proce...

Ariel is coming on Saturday. That means come hell or high water, I will see my best friend. I love her. Also, the child support check came today, so we should be able to go the the fair. It looks like Friday night is our best bet. We wanted to see the lights and wander. I'm not one for the rides so much, but at least we can see the lights, eat some fair food, and wander around (exercise thrown into the mix!). I love the fair. It takes me back to a simple time when all I had to worry about was which boyfriend I was going home with. Ha! I'm kidding! Not really. I'm not at all kidding, but it still was a simpler time in terms of going and just being there. I didn't have to worry about the money aspect, that's for sure. In terms of teenage boys and angst? It will be a hell of a lot easier. I'm hoping it's fantastic, and followed up with a visit from my Ariel. We'll see. =)

Erin left today. My favorite coffee bar girl. One of the first people who I really felt comfortable with when I first got here. I always thought that it would be a sad, sad day when my coffee bar girls left. Then Bethany left, and now Erin is leaving. And I was right. I managed not to cry, though it's harder writing about it now not to cry. Since she has been the coffee bar supervisor, we've smirked at each other a lot more. Rolled our eyes together a lot more. Things can be pretty over the top in the Accounting department. I took a lot of pictures. I like pictures. I even got one of her and me that I don't hate. What is wrong with my neck though? I think when I try and avoid the double chin I tilt my head back too far, and my neck looks funny. Add that on to my Bruce Campbell-ish chin, and it just don't look right. Ok! I'm sorry, I'm not on par with Bruce, but I do have a jutting chin. A jutting round chin. Ok. Enough about my chin. So it was sad and stuff. Obv...

I dreamt of rabbits last night. Or more like this morning after hitting the snooze button. For some reason there were like a million rabbits and they were all in this room. I was hanging out with the kids in my immediate family and taking care of them for some reason, and HE came in and said, "See, you like being a family with them, why couldn't you be a family with all of us?".I almost immediately felt sick to my stomach. Seriously? He's a LARGE part of the reason why I could no longer stomach my home life. Why I slept on the street and stayed with all sorts of friends. Why I stayed at Station 7. As with all thoughts of him, I get sick, and then angry. Then I start to remember how much I really dislike my mother. Cause SHE was SUPPOSED to protect ME. I was her kid, he was only her husband. I was flesh and blood. It's not been the most fantastic day. I feel like I've had a sore throat coming on for weeks now. Just when I thought I was getting better, I...

(completely o/t. Did you know that the song that goes with the above lyric is used in a Disney movie? What's funny is that it is called "Relating to a psychopath", but when she sings the line about her "manic-depressive state" they totally gloss over it. It's ok to be a psychopath, but NOT ok to be Manic Depressive. Thanks for the lesson Disney!) Last weekend was fantastic! I went straight from work Friday (and I was allowed, nee encouraged to leave work early last Friday) to Tammy's. The idea was that I was going to accost Ariel there, sadly things did not work out that way. Not sadly, I spent quite a bit of time just chit chatting with Miss Tammy. I even got to know some of her work buddies. (everyone knows mine, Tara, of course) They were all very nice to me and had that sense of humor that appeals to me. A very sweet baby made the whole thing that much more entertaining. Other people's babies are wonderful. I hung out long after the party was ove...

I found Phantasmagoria downtown for 20 bucks today. You all may never hear from me again. Or at least until I beat it. I think I may let the axe split her head a time or two even if I do remember the correct thing to do to not get her ass killed. It's just too entertaining to watch her head split apart. I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT IT. Too much probably, for just a game.

I have a theory. I've been trying to expand on it, but I just don't know if I can make it work. Two people does not really prove a theory. I was talking with someone at work the other day, and she mentioned how she'd tried really hard to be an "alternative" girl and not like pop. Funny she should mention it, cause I've been running this post through my head for months maybe. Once upon a time, I was that girl. I moved in with some friends, I was pregnant, I was not sure of myself at all. Wait, back up, it started before that. I've always loved pop. Ever since my Aunt Shari blasted Madonna in the living room while we danced around and sang out loud with it. I, almost immediately, preferred it to my mother's classic rock music (some of which might actually be ok, but I've always been contrary and a pain in the ass.) and went straight from soft rock to pop. Started listening to things like Madonna, Mariah Carey, and so on and so on. Boys II Men? LOVE...

My boyfriend is awesome. We like spending time together. It honestly boggles my mind. Shouldn't we be sick of each other by now? I used to know people who swore by the "open relationship" way of life. Insisted that your body would get used to the feel of theirs, and so to keep things different, you had to sleep with different people. I think that's bullshit, and I'd like to use my 6 year relationship to prove that. Yes, it might not be as passionate as it used to be, but it's still damn good. He still FEELS good to me. (Ok, this is one of those different strokes things. I mean, if it works for you, good. I couldn't do an open relationship. I am jealous and have a really hard time communicating with one person sometimes. But I still don't believe that your body will get used to the feel of someone's "member" and it won't feel as good. Maybe I'm naive.) Some times I stare at him in the morning before he wakes up. Most likely I slobb...