Random Thoughts

I’ve been chubby since I was a child. My awful stepfather asked me once if I wanted to lose ten ugly pounds quickly and when I eagerly said yes (after seeing my mother gloat over her weight loss, after hearing about it from everywhere – because it is everywhere. The diet industry is making bank, y’all.); he told me to cut off my head and then laughed. When I realized I weighed more than my mom in middle school, I started to realize that I was going to be the fat one. The fat friend. The fattest person in the group. The one who’d be so pretty if I just lost some weight. I felt unattractive and ate mostly things like hamburger helper and less of the homemade foods. We were all about convenience in my house growing up. I’ve been yelled at on the street walking places, every doctor I see seems to feel the need to tell me I’m fat..like I don’t know? I suppose some of that is my fault. Because when I gave up hope on ever being thin and pretty; I just stopped talking about it. I st...

Today sucks. My stomach has been queasy since this morning, having that extra coffee didn't help, but I was dog tired. I'm trying to change my attitude before I take it into Friday with me. I dunno if I'll succeed. I spent last night being totally pissed off and questioning my life choices. It's not the best place to be in. That much I can tell you. Is all that vague enough? Good, I like it that way. Let's just say I was soul searching. And didn't really come up with any sort of answers. Obviously, I was not very successful. I rarely am. I was so mad and didn't want to name names so I just pulled out my notebook-diary thing that I used to write in. Back before I had a blog. It's been since 2004 since I wrote in it last. And oddly enough I found that I was still trying to find some of that answers back then. Isn't 5 years long enough to come to a conclusion? Or maybe I just get hot headed and have to write to blow off steam? I also found that all thos...

I decided that I could be pissed all day over stupid people, or I could just not be. It gives me less of a headache to not be pissed all the time, so this is working out pretty well for me. It helps a lot that I wore my new shirt today, put on make up to make myself all girly and have gotten a TON of compliments on it. Even though I felt like I didn't look that good in it, everyone else likes it. Today, life is good. It doesn't hurt that it's payday. And it certainly helps that I've got a tasteful amount of cleavage working for me. Mainly just so that I notice it, which seems perfect. If I could just keep my necklace out of there! Heh. Unfortunately, it is a late day today. I should be used to it by now, but being open until 7 is lame. Next week we start being open that late every day. Again, I should be used to it. At least I'm not alone, I get Eileen here late with me! =)

And I dunno. It fits. Which is weird to me, what with my larger shirts that I usually wear. It's VERY fitting up top, and it is clingy. I'm doing my damndest not to care, cause it IS cute. I think I'm gonna wear it Friday. More review after I actually wear it for a day. Also, we have a new person, and I Anyhow. She is smart and quick and she already seems to understand how much of a butt kisser that the person I dislike the most is. Heh. I LOVE it when people see things for themselves. I'm not above venting, but I try not to vent at work, instead just waiting and watching to see who "gets it" and who doesn't. Most people do, which seems surprising to me, but I don't know why. People are generally smart. P.S. Tomorrow I can take a pregnancy test, and at this point I don't even care anymore. LOL. P.S.S. (Is that right? Is it PPS?) This guy on the bus today tried to elbow me in the neck. Asshole. Also, I wish Eileen were not sick and could be at work ...

My boss came in to the office today after her lunch; came over to my desk and practically whispered in my ear about how they had some really cute "bigger" tops out there, she liked them, but they didn't have her size. OMFG! Awesome. Somehow I've managed to find a cute OREGON shirt that can't be worn by skinnier people. Maybe this means I will not see the same shirt all over the place. It's black (of course, it could have been green) and it has white flowers around the yellow Oregon part. My only problem is that the white flowers on the back will mean my hair has to be worn up to be visible. Oh well. Could be worse. =) It's empire waisted with just a tiny bit of yellow at the neckline. I And considering that the average person would have to pay almost 40 for it, I feel like I got a good deal. It's just girly enough, and it was even in a regular shopping area. I'm so used to heading into the secret corner of shame when I shop here, I would never have...

I told Ben about this the other day, found on one of my blogs. He was skeptical, and I suppose all people should be skeptical of the internets in general. Sometimes I am gullible, but I try and be smarter. I've decided that I hate Anthony Bourdain, and now I can't let it go. Since he mentioned how he was skeptical, I was in a bad fucking mood for the rest of the day, and even today, 3 DAYS LATER, I am still going back to the link and trying really hard to prevent myself from pointing and be like...SEE, look, please make me watch that fucker no more. Meh. Like fat people need the ugly skinny people to tell us how fat we are, like we don't have acceptance issues of our own. Like I don't try every day to not hate my stomach or my arms. Asshole. You're not helping. Any time I hear that people are fat because they are lazy bastards, I get angry. I lived with a guy who could eat twice what I ate, and PERHAPS he was more active than I, but he NEVER gained a goddamn ounce....

I have a crush people! I LOVE this girl. This girl is my HERO. She's so freaking right. Strangers probably don't talk to me cause I avoid all eye contact. I don't necessarily LIKE talking to people I don't know. If someone engages me, I like to think I'm fairly "good" at being nice and even gregarious. Some days I'm even funny. But mostly, I don't really make an effort to talk to people. And I always think...well, they probably are like..jeez, she's so fat. And you know what? Some people ARE gonna be like that. Screw them. They'll never know how awesome I can be. And all those boyfriends who left me or cheated on me? I was LESS fat then than I am now, and my boyfriend DOESN'T care. He's not gonna leave me for that. I especially liked the part where she talked about how she blamed her fat for EVERYTHING, cause there couldn't possibly be anything else wrong with her. How stuck up is that? I hadn't really realized it. Also, ...

Since no one is checking my little blog, I am going to put a bunch on here. I was busy earlier. You must forgive me for not putting anything new since Friday. I did have access yesterday but what with keeping this so damn secretive, I couldn't post in front of the boyfriend. You can read my dilemma by going down to my first post of the day. Sunday Got up earlier than normal to put a roast into the slow cooker. It was all so complicated. With the both of us getting up earlier, it did result in some fun times. I was all set to go and get my damn taxes done so I can wait for the money to roll in, when I realized I don't have the forms to do a paper copy (which shouldn't matter, but I like to know what it should be, before the computer takes them and runs with it). Another example of my need for control. I like to see each question and fill everything out and look at the schedules and blah, blah, blah. So, after that I realize that I don't have my 1098 forms that I need so ...