Random Thoughts

I just love this one part, LOL. "It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried." Link here, if you want to read, I just really, really liked the ninja part. LOL. h...

Ostracization... It's what I get for leaving them behind. Misty may say she isn't angry at me for leaving them with our parents, but I sure do get ignored by her just as much. And I get my hopes up when she says she wants to visit, but then they don't. I've been crying lately. Too much. I'm upset, and I feel justified to be upset. They ignore our cousin too apparently, and most of the family. They don't know any better, they never knew those people. Misty was only 7 when we moved here. But I worry that with my leaving them in HER care, they've turned out like her. All lip service and no follow through. Do they even care enough to be mad at me? That's why I'm sad, I'm not sure it even crosses their mind. Boo on this whole fucking situation. I'm angry. I don't even know if I have a niece or nephew, or anything. Then I blog about being angry and annoyed at them, and I worry more. Is my big mouth going to get me into trouble some day? Proba...

I'm not much for confrontation, as most of you know. This may translate into me being a "yes man"...and maybe I am. It's just seems like in my 27 years I've never told someone something they wanted to hear when I disagreed with their views, their ideas, their hopes. Maybe that means I'm not a true friend, cause I'll just tell you what you want to hear. But it's never gotten me anywhere to confront someone and be like..I don't think your (relationship, work, whatever) is going the way you think it is. I've tried before, and all it really got me was uncomfortable, and then when it turned out the way I thought it would (though I didn't want it to turn out that way..cryptic enough for ya?) I got a "why didn't you tell me?"...and I realized that my cries had fallen on deaf ears. Does my being unconfrontational mean I am too eager to please? Perhaps...but what good does it do me to tell someone something they don't want to hear?...

I posted things to MySpace this weekend that I neglected to post here. I'm trying, really fucking hard, to be positive..but I kind of feel like this has become my negative blog, the one I don't want people to see who are on my MySpace. I may cross post them. They are so much fluff, like most of my MySpace entries. Besides that one entry that I put as a 'preferred' blog only. Tammi got added, as she asked, I'll add people if they want, I just want to make sure that the understand these won't be happy, full of life and fun Desiree blogs. I guess I was wondering who would notice or care. Plus, I left it open to everyone for like a day, but I kept feeling sick to my stomach with worry that I was being too republican or something, so who knows who read it in the mean time and thought...damn that Desiree, she's being too republican. No one made any comments, besides Tammi. In other news, the bump on my ass has returned. Yay for icky, bloody boils. This is the 3rd...

Warning, this is going to be explicit. LOL. I should have a sticker, all to myself. I keep coming back to this other fond memory of Frank. I'd just started here at work, and I was meek and quiet..... (I CAN be those things, I know it's hard to believe, but if you remember the first time you met me, you'd probably recall that I tend to be quiet and hang out in the background until I get a feel for a person, though I can talk to strangers on the bus all the time..I'm crazy.."but you knew that though? I mean, I put out flyers..I ate a bunch of them...I'm dumb, dumb". Ok, enough of my Meatwad tangent. I I was training to do the deposit and I was still quiet and unsure of myself and learning, and Frank was talking to our deposit person about things and he cinched it for me right then. I had been wondering since I started if he was gay or not...and I didn't want to ask or be wrong or assume...it's hard to believe now that I was unsure. But he kept talkin...

What with all the sadness and emotional crap, I have a little bit of fluff here. Something that annoys me, but doesn't make me cry. The Daddies are playing ON MY BIRTHDAY this year in Oregon... Yeah, BEND. Now how the hell can I make it Bend without a car. ON MY BIRTHDAY. GAH!

My co-worker is awesome. She's always looking out for me, she always listens to me, she has her own problems and I hope I listen as well as she listens to me, and she is just...a rock, for want of a better word. Our kids may disagree, she doesn't care. We've both done stupid things in our life, we both have children around the same age, we both have a quirky sense of humor. Even though we are about 5 years apart in age. I'm tempted to ask her to accompany me to a party I was invited to (more on that when I've made more sense of it in my head) as my back up. I hope she never does quit, though I know she gets sick of this place. She's the person I see almost daily, and while we rarely hang out outside of work, we have so much fun when we do. Just talking forever. After she saw how upset I was getting over Frank, she mentioned that she didn't think she could take seeing his face for much longer...which is so nice as they printed out his MySpace page full of tri...

But you should be, cause she is awesome.. Here is the link to the blog she put up about Marshal. It sounds like he is doing better, and I plan on tackling my fear and heading to the hospital on my lunch tomorrow to see him, but today I just couldn't. I couldn't do the hospital on top of being around so many people who knew Frank. I think part of the reason I was able to keep myself so reserved from it was because Ben never knew him, no one outside of my work that I saw in this past week knew him. It was easy to be reserved. Anyhow...blog about Marshal.. http://marshalbarnhart.blogspot.com/

I was feeling bad, cause all the death? Right? And I was feeling worse cause I've been curiously removed from the whole thing. I came in to work today and lost it. That counter is where Frank taught me to cashier, where he told me that P was so anal (and indeed she was), where we spent times talking. I've been crying off and on since about 10 now. Every time I try and talk about it, I lose it. Every time I see someone who knew him, I get teary eyed all anew. I don't like this, I think I'd prefer to feel like the Ice Queen bitch.

I'm just sad sitting here thinking about bad things happening to good people. I get mired down in the negativity when I start to think this way. I thought I would share. Anyone else want to share? Are you sad? Are you having a bad February like me? Anything to distract me, people. Anything at all. I'd love to spare a thought to other people's sadness instead of my own. =(

That's my new word when I am annoyed, BOO. It seems to cover everything. I've stopped just short of Booing and hissing, like if the villain had found it's way into my play. =( Marshal is in the hospital. I adore Marshal, as he was one of the kids I ended up in the homeless shelter with. One of the kids who came with me when I tried to go and get my stuff from my mom's house. Marshal watched everything that happened, and then we rode the bus to some weird tree house in the Amazon area where Marshal had vodka that I could drink. Anything to block out the horribleness that occurred when I tried to pick up my things that day. He's still my friend, and it amazes me. I didn't really think that anyone who saw that side of my life would be able to be friends with me. At least that fighting-argumentative side of my relationship with my mother. I love it when I do see him, he was one of the few people who made it to my birthday non-party. And I loved seeing him. I hate an...

I've been doing my best not to do anything at all. Just things that I want to do. Wednesday I had to shop for Valentine's Day, and I win, cause Ben likes the 3 Disc "Hot Fuzz" set that I found. Not what I wanted, but I didn't order on-line soon enough. I should be smarter than that. Other things are already bought for his birthday/our "anniversary", cause I will not let this happen again. It's been 7 years, and I keep waiting to be more annoyed at him, to dislike him more. That's the way it seemed to work with any other boyfriend that lasted awhile...wait that was only Jake. Not even two years there. I was either some sort of commitment-phobe, or else not ready to believe that he'd be around for me. Not ready to trust? I don't know. I can't imagine Ben not being around. We hung out for years and years and years before we ever went towards relationship. We used to flirt a lot, but that was all. I've always been a flirt. I try not t...

That's kind of true actually. I am often at least in danger of dying in my dreams. This morning I dreamed that I was already back from vacation and had to be at work. =( I remember thinking how fast my vacation went by, and I guess that would be entirely true as it only started yesterday. Also? Valentine's day has been pretty much the best ever. Aside from all the death, but we'll get to that in a minute. Ben and I went out to breakfast, I got good smelling things for a present, our hard drive came via UPS, hurray for 3 times as much space! But there's been a pall over it all. And I didn't mean to rhyme right there. Someone at worked died recently. A week ago actually. He wasn't someone I knew well, but he always had a kind smile and was friendly. He wasn't very old either, so it's been quite a sobering week. I don't think it affected me that much, but then again I did tell someone that I hoped to live until 35, so that Derek will be 18 and an adult....

In the madness that is dealing with my child, I think I neglected to mention something completely awesome. I've also forgotten to mention how much I am using "awesome" lately...I'm so stuck in the eighties, I guess. TOTALLY AWESOME DUDE. Ok, maybe that will be enough to snap me out of it. Like screaming it out loud. Except not. And no one will think I am stupid, besides the internet, but the internet knows that sometimes I am stupid. =)One more thing? I've been saying that I "heart" things...like kittens, Aqua Teen, anything that I like. I'm not sure why I feel the need to say heart, but maybe cause it's close to hate, and I can change my mind halfway through saying it?I asked Ben if I was being annoying yet and he said no, so I must be doing something wrong. But the awesome thing? I work for three days this week, one of which is today, and then I am off on VACATION. A real vacation, where I'm not paranoid about going to court, where I may h...

My night out was canceled, as Jenn did not feel well. It's actually worked out for me as I sat on the couch after the boys left and fell asleep for about an hour. Woke up with a nasty headache, which 4 ibuprofen have not really helped. That's what I get for not drinking coffee in the morning, I guess. We'll hope I can get through this blog entry, as the other night a headache turned into something much worse. I don't know that I would call it a migraine, but it was damn close. So I went to bed early and woke up fine. Does it make sense? Not really. I was certain I'd wake up with the same damn headache, but I didn't, so I guess the solution is bed for many hours. Hurray. I love getting older. So I woke up, drank coffee, watched "Ed Gein"...it would appear to be serial killer month On Demand. Hurray for me, right? Except totally not, cause I needed to take a shower later. The shower is where I feel most vulnerable, especially when no one else is in the h...

I'm having a bad day. Why do almost all my Thursdays turn out this way? I'm trying something new. I'm trying not to bitch about things without having something positive. Let's see if I can pull it off. Bad Thing - I woke up at 4...all the lights in the house seemed to be on. Good Thing - At least I VERY clearly could see the way to the bathroom. Bad Thing - I woke up late, and the kitchen light was on AGAIN. Good Thing - I'm not crazy, the kid readily admitted to it, like wth? What's the big deal? Bad Thing - I was a crab the whole way to school cause we were running late. Good Thing - The kid got to sleep in since I wasn't out of the shower on time. Bad Thing - I had to sit next to Jake's dad the whole ride into Eugene, not talking, not looking at him, pretending like I didn't know him, the same as he does to me. Good Thing - At least he didn't smell bad. And I was actually happy to get off the bus and go to work. Bad Thing - Columbia House are ...

I've just barely got my coffee. No, I didn't sleep all day, but I DID laze around in bed for as long as my head would allow. My stupid caffeine addiction is giving me a headache, cause I waited to long for coffee. Stupid me, I know, but I just could not be bothered to come out from the warm blankets. Thank god Derek is 10 and can be trusted to not tear the house apart in the mornings, not like when he was a baby. So, that's my decadence. I deserve it though, yesterday we were up and shopping by noon, so I feel like I deserve a bit of laziness. SO MANY PEOPLE in the store! I was annoyed, and this stupid guy was walking around the aisles with an open bag of flour, and didn't seem to notice it, so the employees were running up and down the aisles trying to sweep it up. They finally pinpointed the guy and the lady was like..oh, it's you, here LET ME TAKE THAT FLOUR. And he STILL seemed confused as to what the hell was the problem. It's funny now, but I was irritated...

First of all, I'd like to point out that I am about ten posts away from 2,000. I'd be over that, I'm sure, but I got all freaked out and deleted a bunch of work stuff awhile back. Second of all, I just decide that I should have the mac-n-cheese, boys returning home now the slightest of my worries since it is ten and I have not had dinner. Normally, I would be a raging bitch at this point, but I've had the rum, so I'm only slightly bitchy as evidenced by my hippie problem a few minutes ago. Third of all, I just decided that I would start watching "Gone With The Wind" because that would for sure bring the boys home. I start a movie they hate and they come home. It never fails. I was sad, no not sad, fucking DISMAYED to realize that while I saw that VHS of "Gone With The Wind" and thought, hell I should buy that, I did not at the time. My memory sucks so much I was POSITIVE this was a movie I owned, if only on VHS. But it's not there. =( I Not s...

I just searched my house for some suitable munchable that would not take a thousand hours to prepare.... and I can't find crap. Ben's mom has been to visit, which means the house has been invaded by Trader Joe's. I rarely have to see her but when she comes over to see Derek and Ben without me here, I can always tell, cause of the Trader Joe's stuff. Which involved black licorice this time. =( It smells bad when Ben eats it. The only thing I could say as I saw all the evidence of Trader Joe's? Fucking Hippies. I growled it all over the kitchen as I continued to find nothing worthwhile that wouldn't take an hour. Not that I hate Trader Joe's...I really like their selection of cheeses and I adore their truffles, but BLACK LICORICE? Does she hate me? Or just love her son, who likes the crap? Grr. If I knew how long Ben and Derek would be, I would make the macaroni and cheese that takes an hour, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the INSTANT I put it in the ove...

I feel lots better. Almost normal really. My attitude is better, but that might be because it's Friday and I don't have to go to work tomorrow! YAY. I wouldn't mind work so much if I didn't have to deal with so many people! All the time, and everyone has their own little nuances and neuroses just as I have mine. It's just that their's annoy me! LOL. I only annoy me a little usually. Ha ha. It was a busy day, Tara took me to lunch though, and that was super nice of her. We ran a bit over, but man it was good to get out of there for lunch and away from other people. Our own little corner, complete with Mexican food. I was thinking about my a play list on my iPod, and how it may actually tell you exactly how much I vary on my music. Like...I don't listen to Christian anything, but I think I listen to almost everything else. Not a lot of classical, but some. Anyhow, I've been listening to this play list for the past two days, and guys? I totally suck. Some o...