Random Thoughts

Originally posted to MySpace May 20th, yesterday! YAY! --------------------------------------------------------------------- That's the only word that can describe my feelings right now. I have a post for later about how I was already kind of having a bad day over stupid things, and then something huge came down. The court still does not have the dismissal papers from the people who tried to sue me. The whole reason why I went this route is because I didn't want to have to worry anymore, and I don't have the money for a lawyer. Which is why I'm so damn worried about this.... I don't know if I was stupid to pay them, if I'm being screwed, if I should be asking for more. I'm completely at their mercy. Like usual, after seeing the attorney the one time (and boy did I get my money out of that, I felt like a question firing squad), I still have a ton of questions. More brought on by what's happening now. It's been 3 MONTHS, and I didn't push it becaus...

Full of hate today. SO MUCH. My W-2's are going to be later this year since some assholes had to quit on the 31st of December. I hate all those assholes. I had to do someone else's work all day yesterday, which was a nice change of pace I suppose, except I spent much of the day trying to fix what some idiot messed up on Sunday. I hate that idiot today too. I'm tired and I have to back up the phones all day because someone else can't do what they should be doing. I hate that idiot today as well. People have to change their schedule all the damn time, I hate them all too. I'm full of the hate today people and wondering why I make such a damn effort to be here everyday, such an effort to try and help people in whatever way I can, and it's never acknowledged, just assumed that that is what I do. I bend over backwards to change the schedule, only to have other people whine at me, or have people take off days after I've already figured it out for that day. Now I...

And almost as suddenly as it began, it's done. I'm feeling a HUGE amount of relief at this point. This is the last debt, the last thing I stopped paying on when I realized I had no money left for all these people who gave my stupid 19 year old self credit cards, this is the only thing left that people can actually take me to court on. I'm SO SICK of the court house, I'm so sick of filing papers I know nothing about, I'm so sick of dealing with lawyers (though they haven't been terribly unpleasant). I'm just sick of trying to do things I know nothing about. I've been in so far over my head. I got home last night, already worrying about how I could possible pay 300.00 to attend the arbitration hearing, already racking my brain, thinking...well, I could possibly drop the cable this month...and the internet. It was an unhappy prospect. Ben mentioned I had a voice mail, so I checked it and it was an attorney, so I bit the bullet and called her right back. Ho...

I only wish that I had wrote elfing day. That's what it almost looks like. That would make me smile. Instead, I am just ANGRY. Like usual, it's all about money. So, I got a letter stating that we'd need to do an arbitration, and that it would need to be paid for within 14 days. I thought they meant 14 days of that letter. I went in to try and get a deferral (cause who has an extra 300 lying around?) on December 12th, cause I thought I needed to, and I expressed my need to have it quickly processed. She said no problem, but if I was worried, I should call back on Friday, maybe Monday morning. I did not call, cause that's when I went to see that lawyer, that's when I started trying to get this together, that's when I started trying to get the lawyers to work with me. For the record? Not ALL lawyers suck, but this company sure does. I have as of yet, still received NO PROOF and they said they would bring that up in the arbitration meeting. So I was happy to go. I c...

It's really vacation time now! We kicked Derek out the door sent him off the California around noon. All in all? I'm doing good. Nothing from attorneys. I fully intended to call them today, but Ben has to run errands that need the phone. In any case, I'm feeling good. It may be misplaced, but I kind of feel like them not calling me back is a good thing. Like maybe they are having a hard time finding so-called proof that I owe them. Who knows. I still feel better about the whole damn thing now that I know for sure I can declare bankruptcy if they feel like being complete assholes about it. So, I'm good, I hope everyone else is good. I'm relaxed, I have a whole weekend to myself. Sure, I have to present shop and grocery shop, but who cares? I have until a week from next Wednesday to get anything done I might need to have done, so hurray for that. This vacation stretches before me like a red carpet. Who wants to bet it'll be over before I know it and I will feel l...

So, I was thinking more about why I'm letting this whole thing get so overwhelming. I'm not just supporting my kid, I'm effectively supporting a family at this point. I'm terrified of letting them down, of failing. Is this how all heads of household feel? Damn, I had it easy for awhile. It's a scary thought. I met with a lawyer yesterday. Very nice guy, seemed like he actually cared, which does not fit well with my lawyer=shark thoughts. He told me that they were unlikely to care why I stopped paying. But that my answer (the one I drew up on my OWN!) was "not a bad answer", and he checked the statute of limitations for me and made sure it was the 6 years I had been reading. Basically he told me that the lawyers would actually prefer I draw it out, as long as they win. If I win, they are out all the money and work, but that in most cases they do win. So it's great for them to pad their expenses and then I have to pay that much more. If I am correct, an...

That song sucks. But I needed something that had "believe" in it. See, I BELIEVE that the reason I am losing my (figurative) shit all over the place over this court thing is because I've become too used to people being able to help me. It's a good thing, but it makes me worry that I've become too dependent on others. If I've learned nothing else in my life, it's that you can really only depend on yourself. At least that's what I learned from my family, what I've learned from friends is that they will help you if they can. They will bend over backwards to help you, even if your own mother can not send you some pictures of your grandmother. Pictures only. I don't ask her for any money, even though she did just buy a house. I don't ask her for anything. My own mother. The same person who was too busy stuffing her nose full of coke to do laundry. To even be able to PAY to do laundry. How many times did I sort through my dirty clothes, hoping to...

Yes, I did have to spell it that way. It's said like "anotha", I'm keeping it right. I'm not sure why I thought that this part of the process would be any better. But I read somewhere that if you are going to waste time worrying about things when you don't know how they will turn out, you might as well "worry" that they will turn out well. So, I was faintly optimistic on Monday when I went down to Legal Aid for this whole being sued business. Turns out? I'm not poor enough. The really suck thing is that I might be poor enough if I said I supported Ben, but then we have to get all involved in his money that he can't touch. Meaning, I would need to have his financial information and I don't know if it will help or hinder me. The main reason I say 2 in the house when they ask me, I never know if adding him is a good thing or not. My housing payments went down when he stopped receiving money. Maybe that's a good sign? I don't know whe...

I think I'm beyond caring at this point. I hope so. No crying, just hopelessness. Awesome. My bank has charged me overdraft fees because I couldn't deposit money in the damn ATM. It wouldn't work or accept my cash, or whatever the hell. New and improved, my ass. 40 dollars. I sent them a message on line, we'll see what they do. I DID call and talk to someone yesterday, and she said they empty the bins out at night. I tried Tuesday night, and Wednesday. No luck, so OBVIOUSLY, they did not empty the bins the night before. They better waive those charges. My kid has been having major tantrums lately. Literally FREAKING out at home. And I guess he's had a rough time twice this week at school. I don't know what to do. We took away his video games for a week already from the tantrum the other night, and now he still had problems today. I don't know what else to do. I'm half tempted to take away his California trip with his dad. But that just means less time ...

I don't know if I have to be stressed before the holidays so that I can be less stressed later or what. Last year I bought Ben the iPod. Little can be better than that. I have no idea what to get him. I have no idea what I can afford. This last check was nice, for about two seconds. Then the reality hit and I had to pay SUB who I had delayed in favor of Derek's birthday, and the trash bill. Add rent to that, and I'm pretty much poor. Less than poor actually, but I always make it work. It just means that I'll have to borrow from the next check. Which is what really sucks, cause that's my holiday money. I don't know how people can afford to have more than one child. I don't know what to get Derek either, I can only charge so much to my store account before it comes back to bite me in the ass. Strangely, Fingerhut is offering me credit. It's so tempting, but I'm pretty sure that they would not approve me if I tried. I believe I still owe them money. Cre...

I'm prone to flights of fancy. Have been since about, well since forever. Whenever I start to feel unappreciated, instead I think, well maybe I will die tomorrow, some horrible death and then they will miss me and understand and appreciate me more. It's not to the extent that I would make it happen (dying), only that I think it will make others care about me. Like most things I do. Ha. Then I start to think things like... 1. If I die tomorrow, Ben would wish he had married me and he would miss me. (that's the biggest thing I got for him, LOL and really marriage becomes less and less of a safe haven for me) 2. If I die tomorrow, everyone at work would cry for a million days (I'm extreme, I know) and realize how awesome I really was. 3. If I die tomorrow, all my "friends" that haven't made time for me, haven't bothered to see me even would all of the sudden care about me and miss me. Silly, I know. They probably wouldn't even notice. Much like I did...

Mission: Accomplished. Got to the courthouse as early as I could. 8, almost on the dot. Waited to have my form notarized, ran up to the courtroom (waited until 8:30!), had them sign off on my fee deferral. Answer? I have to pay the fee, but I can make payments! HURRAY! Went back down to the original room, had to have them stamp the papers, plus she gave me a few pointers, so I furiously added some lines to the bottom of the "answer" quickly. They did not give me a court date, so I feel a little relieved. This could potentially mean that it won't go all the way to court (in my head, no one told me this). Maybe they will decide not to go that far since I am not taking it lying down. In any case, the "answer" is filed. They can't garnish me without taking me to court now. I feel really relieved. So very relieved. If it buys me enough time to get to tax return season, than perhaps I should do the bankruptcy thing. If it means I won't be garnished for the re...

Bad day y'all. I'm pretty convinced that my ass is going to get sued off, I couldn't file anything at court today cause I needed actual papers. Some sort of form. It's going to cost $129.00; which I really don't have since my son would like to have a birthday. How can my week get so shitty, so quickly? The lady at the court house told me I had three options... 1. Get a lawyer. Ha. Like I can afford that. 2. Go to Willamette Stationers. 3. Go to the library at the court house and look up some examples and draft my own. I chose number three. And they gave me a form for fee deferral based on my income. Hopefully that will work and it won't actually cost me anything. I'm really fucking convinced that the Statute of Limitations ran out before they served me papers, but have I kept everything from 2001? Nope. No way. In my papers, I've alleged that I stopped paying in July. Which was when I stopped paying everything else. They didn't write it off until Nov...

I'm going to preface this by saying it's really my own damn fault, I made my bed and all that, but that does not mean I can not bitch about it now on my blog, cause I am a whiny bitch. Ok, end disclaimer. I was having a really good week. Really good. 1. The landlord's husband came over and fixed the front porch light, and the washer. I think there might be a leg missing on the washer, or else I really overload every load. I suppose it's possible. But YAY! Front porch light works again, and the washer shouldn't bang against the wall every time I do laundry. 2. The painter man came over and painted the front door black. I, again, have a bi-color door. This is made marginally better by the fact that it is black/white and not blue/orange. It's very strange though, cause now my door is black. I'm not sure I'm used to it yet. The most important thing is that while he was there Ben asked about the garage door (my house is falling apart y'all, but I don...