Random Thoughts

I told Ben about this the other day, found on one of my blogs. He was skeptical, and I suppose all people should be skeptical of the internets in general. Sometimes I am gullible, but I try and be smarter. I've decided that I hate Anthony Bourdain, and now I can't let it go. Since he mentioned how he was skeptical, I was in a bad fucking mood for the rest of the day, and even today, 3 DAYS LATER, I am still going back to the link and trying really hard to prevent myself from pointing and be like...SEE, look, please make me watch that fucker no more. Meh. Like fat people need the ugly skinny people to tell us how fat we are, like we don't have acceptance issues of our own. Like I don't try every day to not hate my stomach or my arms. Asshole. You're not helping. Any time I hear that people are fat because they are lazy bastards, I get angry. I lived with a guy who could eat twice what I ate, and PERHAPS he was more active than I, but he NEVER gained a goddamn ounce....

I have a crush people! I LOVE this girl. This girl is my HERO. She's so freaking right. Strangers probably don't talk to me cause I avoid all eye contact. I don't necessarily LIKE talking to people I don't know. If someone engages me, I like to think I'm fairly "good" at being nice and even gregarious. Some days I'm even funny. But mostly, I don't really make an effort to talk to people. And I always think...well, they probably are like..jeez, she's so fat. And you know what? Some people ARE gonna be like that. Screw them. They'll never know how awesome I can be. And all those boyfriends who left me or cheated on me? I was LESS fat then than I am now, and my boyfriend DOESN'T care. He's not gonna leave me for that. I especially liked the part where she talked about how she blamed her fat for EVERYTHING, cause there couldn't possibly be anything else wrong with her. How stuck up is that? I hadn't really realized it. Also, ...

I had a strange one last night. It wasn't scary, which is good. My scary dreams usually involve my knowing something bad about someone (like they kill people) but no one believes me. I'm sure someone who interprets dreams would have a field day with this. It prolly goes back to living with my parents. I have a very honest face and my mom always thought I was lying. Just this little thing (no trust) screws all my bad dreams up, and makes me terribly worried for my own child and how I am going to screw him up without meaning to. Anyways, my dream last night involved going out with my friend's brother (who didn't look anything like her brother) and hanging out with him. It also involved sexual thoughts and encounters with too many people, including girls. Apparently, I am a slut in my dreams. Now, it is nice that I can get this behaviour out in my dreams and not feel like I have to do it in real life. But what the hell have I been doing in my real life that would manifest ...