Random Thoughts

Suck. It hurts more today than yesterday, but at least my tailbone is better. It's just the back of my thigh that hurts. I can't bend over that leg, hurts too much. Tying my shoe was fun this morning. It's Deanna's last day today, and while it's fun to potluck, it's sad that she's going to be gone. I'm ready to sleep and hopefully hurt less, but alas, that's a long ways away still. We may have yard work to do on Saturday in any case, but if my leg hurts then it's going to be a problem. Maybe I can bribe Ben into doing the rest on his own? I suck. In any case, I'm tired, did I mention that? Obviously, my brain is not working so well. I know that my head is hurting, but mostly because I need to drink some water. So, my day? I did inventory, after a certain someone passed me by while I was limping down the street to our processing center. I've told about a million people about that, and they are going to give him the biggest amount of crap e...

I avoid the computer muchly while on vacation. No blogging, no comments, I did take a thousand hours to answer the Flicker "Never ending quiz"..it really doesn't end. As of yesterday, I was actually ahead of Tammi barely. She lives with the movie master, so I don't really have a lot of hope of beating her on the quizzes, just the time thing. I spend too much time answering the questions=I win, right? lol. Not really. I slept like crap last night, as per usual when I have to come back to work the next day. Doesn't matter if it's a Sunday night, or a Tuesday night. I'm doing my best to be present, but I'm so tired. Meh. I talked myself into coming to work today. Had I known what was going to happen on the bus, I would have stayed home..that would have cinched the deal. The rain did even more to make me irritated at having to come to work. But it's only a 3 day week, so I really oughtta suck it up and deal. Derek has a regular dentist appointment to...

From Friday as well... ------------------------------------------------------------ All right, so I got the damn last 15 minutes of the movie to work and I must admit that my mind is blown. I ended up with the last 15 minutes to watch long enough (while it was being stupid!) that I started analyzing. Turns out, it was not as I thought at all. That movie screwed my head up. Let's just say that it'll stay with me, as most of those types of movies do. When I did not know that last 15 minutes, I was all trying to get to the meaning while waiting for the cable to work. I'd lumped it in with "Memnoch the Devil" which I JUST finished tonight. Now I can move on. But I was all set on the forgiveness path that it seemed the book and now this movie would follow. I do not have enough forgiveness. I just can't yet. I hope it's a young thing. I hope I'll be more forgiving as I age, but I promise nothing as I'm going such a poor job of it now. The preferred post ...

Guess what? I'm forgetting to cross post again. I suck. This was from last Friday. --------------------------------------------- I bought "One Missed Call", I figured it would be a good distraction while the boys are gone. I lost it right around the child abuse part. I never handle those movies well. More in my preferred blog later. Which you can read, probably, just ask. I don't want to include people who don't want to know how goddamn out there I am. I'm not trying to exclude people, I just don't want to freak them out. Um. Yeah. So I was watching and I get to the last fucking half hour and the goddamn OnDemand fails! I'm so irritated right now. BOO CABLE! BOO! You suck. You better work after I unplug your ass. If I don't get to see the last half hour, someone is going to be unhappy, and I will make sure that I share that unhappiness. FUCK!

It's because I feel like I should share everything with people. The good stuff along with the bad stuff. Cause my old diaries? Ha. Always so full of angst. I only wrote when I was angry. I've meant to go through and find a really "fun" one and post it here, just to laugh at myself, but it hasn't happened yet, cause every time I get into them I just keep reading and being nostalgic. I'm extremely happy today. Just very excited to be off work for the next 5 days. I have the schedule (ugh) to get out before I leave, but at least I won't have to hear about it until Wednesday! I suppose it's pretty easy to be happy when you don't have to work the next day. =) Go figure. And as of right now, my bank account is looking nice. I know better than to assume it will stay that way, as money flies out of my pocket before I even know it. Plus, I was smart enough to pay the phone bill so that there won't be that slight chance that I won't be able to pay it...

Today shall be one of those days. I came in to work already thinking about the weekend and my mini-vacation for which I have almost NOTHING planned =( (but I do get to see Mina and visit Jenn's family plus Ester the wonder wiener! It's a plan! Just not like a vacation plan), and I'm already irritated. It's more that I don't really have plans Friday (and I probably shouldn't spend money anyhow, that whole stimulus thing sure goes fast when you are catching up on bills and crap) and now the boys are adding Saturday to the mix. So..they'll get home by 10 Friday night, and then turn around and leave at noon the next day. Why not just sleep there? lol. I don't begrudge them this. It's great bonding time, and Derek really enjoys it. It frees me up for doing things..unfortunately, I don't hang out with people as often as I'd like while they are gone as life gets in the way. I'd love to have the kind of friend where I could just grab a bottle and...

Originally posted to MySpace May 20th, yesterday! YAY! --------------------------------------------------------------------- That's the only word that can describe my feelings right now. I have a post for later about how I was already kind of having a bad day over stupid things, and then something huge came down. The court still does not have the dismissal papers from the people who tried to sue me. The whole reason why I went this route is because I didn't want to have to worry anymore, and I don't have the money for a lawyer. Which is why I'm so damn worried about this.... I don't know if I was stupid to pay them, if I'm being screwed, if I should be asking for more. I'm completely at their mercy. Like usual, after seeing the attorney the one time (and boy did I get my money out of that, I felt like a question firing squad), I still have a ton of questions. More brought on by what's happening now. It's been 3 MONTHS, and I didn't push it becaus...

Meaning my own over not realizing that my kid's tooth nerve was exposed to the world. I'm trying really hard to reign it in. Over all? I'm doing much better over the physical aspect, it bothered me for awhile that his smile would not be perfect anymore, though I did not say that out loud to Derek (my boy will have a complex enough, I'm sure, being my kid, inheriting my endlessly thinking brain) nor really out loud to much of anyone. Just mentioned it here and to a few friends, close friends. So I'm doing better with the physical look, which is strange, cause it's way more noticeable now than it was before. Perhaps it's just relief that it is taken care of? This kind of guilt (which is ridiculous, I do realize that in my head, but my feelings are a different matter altogether) is painful to deal with. Like I should have known my kid was having a major problem, even though he wasn't in major pain. Perhaps I just don't let him show me his pain? I know t...

Originally posted to MySpace on May 16th. -------------------------------------------------- Derek went back to the dentist today. Jake mentioned that he should probably see one (god I HATED the last people he went to, assholes.) a few months ago, and looks like he got his wish, cause this is the 3rd visit in like...6 weeks. Thank god for insurance. The kid went for two days before we got to see the dentist. Who promptly informed me that the kid had knocked off more of his tooth than last time, and that the nerve was showing. ACK. I'm feeling slightly guilty for not being bitchier over the phone and maybe getting him in sooner, but honestly, he wasn't really complaining much. So perhaps he just didn't touch it much. NERVE ENDINGS!!! Scary shit. But it seems like this is the worse case scenario. They did a root canal, they sealed it up, placed more bonding over it (it's even shorter than before, and I agree, cause apparently the kid hits himself in the head a lot. I'...

Oh, MySpace can bring out the emo in me..I didn't want to edit, cause this message is so me. From sad about losing a friend to goddamn indignant in the space of a few seconds. lol! Originally posted to MySpace on May 15th. ---------------------------------------------------- For a LONG time, I didn't post anything like surveys or the spam bulletin messages because it irritated my friend Frank. Guess what? He ended up killing himself, so I felt like I could use the bulletins more, but my buying people and having to place bulletins is irritating more people. (PS. this is not flippant at Frank, that's just the way my words come out.) Why can't I just use MySpace like I like? Is it my fault that while I only have 65 friends and the spamming is not so noticeable, other people have more, hence more spamming? I may be deleted by this friend due to my spamming and it makes me sad, but I'll admit that I'm also a bit annoyed. It's MY space, can't I do what I want?...

Originally posted to MySpace on May 15th, 2008 --------------------------------------------------- Or at least as much as I ever stop worrying. =( The kid's tooth part came out last night while I was brushing his teeth. Just popped right out. It may have to do with the basketball to the face that he gave himself, or maybe it was just getting looser and looser over time, or perhaps it was some sticky candy that he wasn't supposed to eat. All I know is last night at dinner he took a bite of a chicken nugget, got a weird look on his face and said his tooth felt weird. Then we brushed and it came out. =( We can't get into the dentist until tomorrow, he appears to be doing ok...it's just freaky. I kept him home from school and now I'm second guessing that. Perhaps he would have been fine? He's already trying to get out of doing his homework on time since I'm not sure I'm sending him to school tomorrow either. What a bunch of crap. I'm angry, scared, runni...

Originally posted to MySpace on May 13, 2008 ------------------------------------------------------ Ha. I've been working on my angry music post...but I keep adding to it. I guess most music can sound angry if you are angry. Or maybe I just have a lot of "in your face" music. Plus, I figured I'd throw in some regular music. Why not? Then MySpace went and picked up these application things, and now I'm addicted to buying people. How am I this addicted in such a short time? I've tried my best to stop buying people, but then I get all competitive and full of WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP BUYING MY PEOPLE?, and I buy them back. I've bought Paul and Lizbeth and my sister like…10 times now (not really), and boy is it getting expensive. Some people are "worth" more. I give this about 2 more weeks before I, 1. Lose interest, 2. Start a buying war (which I kind of already have), 3. Become worried about what I'm worth and give it up as sour grapes, 4. Run out of ...

Posted to MySpace on May 10th, 2008 ---------------------------------------------- I'm trying to distract myself from going to Starbucks and buying desert in a cup. Most of me is just like...well, spoil yourself! But I know where that road goes. I get out of line with the spoiling. This has been a weird almost Mother's Day for me. I'm torn...I'm wondering if I'm selfish for wanting to treat myself. My whole life all I've really wanted is to make sure I'm not a hypocrite, as I always thought of my mom as one. She's not just a hypocrite though, she's a martyr, drama queen, guilt tripper and completely selfish all rolled into one person. I know I should just let shit go, but I can't. I was talking with my sister about some things regarding our mom and I'm more incensed than ever. WTF? Like how she told us she had cancer way back...like 17 years ago. Wouldn't she be dead by now? Why give us bad medical information because she was too afraid t...

I'm sorry, but I don't remember to come and cross post, and I know people are full of disdain for MySpace, but I have more readers and commenters there, so I guess I fall into the vanity trap where I want to be sure people are reading me. And I start to slack on this here blog. I don't mean to, but it seems to be pretty prevalent in the blog world in general. There are the few who have been posting for years, but you find a lot who just quit after a few years. I understand, I really do. That said. I'm going to try and catch up on my cross posting. I'd make it all one really long blog entry, but then no one would read it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted to MySpace on May 9th, 2008 No sushi for me tonight. Oh well. Next friday, for now the boys are gone and I'm not cleaning shit! lol. Just sitting here, playing a stupid amount of free online Bomberman. Sadly, my wrists are starting to hurt, so I think I shall take a break...

This girl sat next to me on the bus this morning. I know that I have to share a seat sometimes, I realize this, but as nice as she was to ask if I minded, she then touched me more times than I could count. She had to arrange everything and her elbows kept touching me in my side, meanwhile I'm trying to squeeze myself into as small as an area as I possibly can, I have one arm over my chest and held against me firmly by the other arm, I've squeezed my bottom over as far as I can, and I'm living in uncomfortable land, trying not to TOUCH this person I do not know; but she has no such qualms. Her phone has to be taken out of her pocket every 5 seconds, meaning an elbow to my side each time. Then her headphones need to be adjusted. At this point, she's touched my side (which I have HUGE problems with, I feel wildly uncomfortable when there is potential for people to touch my fat. ACK!), touched my thigh (cause her coat pocket needed to be searched through, and touched my a...

Time for fluff now. That last post was pretty much deeply personal and like most times when I feel like I've shared too much, I ran away. I didn't log into MySpace at all for two days or come here to Blogger, just cause I was certain that I shared too much with my friends. I suck like that, I've been running away pretty much my whole life when things get weird, confusing, too personal, or if I feel like I'm imposing too much on them. So, let's hit some fluff instead. Like the pictures of my bookcase. Or seeing Becca at the Saturday market this weekend. Not just Becca, but a very, very super cute baby girl too. She was so happy, and calm. Becca is such an easy mom, she's doesn't give off the freaked out vibe that I probably did as a new mom. But she's had some practice, so perhaps that's why. It was very nice to be able to see her, and while Derek was pretty anti-social (like Ben, I wonder where Derek gets it from, lol) at least people got to see hi...

You know that post I hinted at? The one where I spoke of a show I am watching lately? I lie, I've watched it forever. It's a soap opera. I know that half of you probably are like..whoa! and your estimation of me just went down a few notches. I'll accept that, but I have to share what story line is making me think lately. This teenage pregnancy story line is kicking my ass. I cry almost every time they get to that part. And why shouldn't I? I know more than most how hard being pregnant at 16 can be. 16! It blows my mind now. That's so YOUNG. It's mere years away for my child, and he's so young. When I see young moms on the bus, I'll admit that I feel sad for them. Cause there is so much you don't know when faced with something like that at that age. Like how some of my hardest times have been recently, or perhaps they are only just freshest in my memory. Or how I looked at ALL my options. I ultimately decided that abortion was not something I could do...

I decided that I would clean since I am bored as crap. _______________________________________________________ My bookcase is officially in public sight. Took a damn long time, but it's done now. =) I have pictures, which I shall put up later. While taking out my books to move the bookshelf, I realized why I may have put them in the closet to being with. Quite a few "adult" books. Things I do not want Derek to see nor read. It's bad enough that I have Stephen King galore. I do not recommend he try reading that like I did at his age. Nightmares upon nightmares. Yet I still read them. LOL. What makes me happy is how many books I was like..oh yeah! That book rocks! I'm happy I can share them with people, even the ones that are a guilty pleasure, like the V.C. Andrews ones I haven't read yet. They stay on the bookshelf, the others are boxed. I have way too many, but I can't seem to get rid of them. And I have a LOT of advance reading copies, go figure. 5 years...

I'm full of hate for the IRS. They never got my amended return. I'm glad I called, but pissed that I didn't call before now. =( I have to re-send it and it'll probably take like 30 days to even show on my account. All this after like..15 damn minutes of my lunch on the phone. This means that somewhere there is a copy of my return floating around. I'm so very excited at the prospect. Not that my credit is very good to begin with, but I still don't want my soc. security number floating around. I'm so goddamn irritated right now. BOO IRS! BOO! I suppose it's better to know something than to know nothing, and perhaps this means I'll actually have money for my birthday to do something. I may actually have a party, not real sure yet. For sure I will if Val is in town, otherwise my parties tend to turn into non-parties. I'd rather just sit at a bar and tell people to come see me there if they want as my house is just too far away for people to come and ...