Random Thoughts

Posted to MySpace on May 10th, 2008 ---------------------------------------------- I'm trying to distract myself from going to Starbucks and buying desert in a cup. Most of me is just like...well, spoil yourself! But I know where that road goes. I get out of line with the spoiling. This has been a weird almost Mother's Day for me. I'm torn...I'm wondering if I'm selfish for wanting to treat myself. My whole life all I've really wanted is to make sure I'm not a hypocrite, as I always thought of my mom as one. She's not just a hypocrite though, she's a martyr, drama queen, guilt tripper and completely selfish all rolled into one person. I know I should just let shit go, but I can't. I was talking with my sister about some things regarding our mom and I'm more incensed than ever. WTF? Like how she told us she had cancer way back...like 17 years ago. Wouldn't she be dead by now? Why give us bad medical information because she was too afraid t...

Originally posted last Tuesday, April 15th. _____________________________________________________________________________ I find that I go and check it more and more often. It's so nice to be able to interact with my cousins and family and anyone of my friends that has moved far away from me. These people who live so far away and yet we can converse and actually get to know each other. I forget that while I remember them (as little kids, but I remember them), they probably don't remember me as well. I was 12 when we moved, they were much younger. It's that whole perspective thing. =) Friday night I was too afraid to have more than one window open in Windows, cause the computer keeps dying and taunting me. I worry about that computer. Is it the RAM we put in? Or is it just finally getting to the end of it's life? It has to happen at some point or another. Sadly, we may have to be big kids and get an Apple. I mean, our options are pretty limited. I don't know how to b...

Ostracization... It's what I get for leaving them behind. Misty may say she isn't angry at me for leaving them with our parents, but I sure do get ignored by her just as much. And I get my hopes up when she says she wants to visit, but then they don't. I've been crying lately. Too much. I'm upset, and I feel justified to be upset. They ignore our cousin too apparently, and most of the family. They don't know any better, they never knew those people. Misty was only 7 when we moved here. But I worry that with my leaving them in HER care, they've turned out like her. All lip service and no follow through. Do they even care enough to be mad at me? That's why I'm sad, I'm not sure it even crosses their mind. Boo on this whole fucking situation. I'm angry. I don't even know if I have a niece or nephew, or anything. Then I blog about being angry and annoyed at them, and I worry more. Is my big mouth going to get me into trouble some day? Proba...

I don't know if I have to be stressed before the holidays so that I can be less stressed later or what. Last year I bought Ben the iPod. Little can be better than that. I have no idea what to get him. I have no idea what I can afford. This last check was nice, for about two seconds. Then the reality hit and I had to pay SUB who I had delayed in favor of Derek's birthday, and the trash bill. Add rent to that, and I'm pretty much poor. Less than poor actually, but I always make it work. It just means that I'll have to borrow from the next check. Which is what really sucks, cause that's my holiday money. I don't know how people can afford to have more than one child. I don't know what to get Derek either, I can only charge so much to my store account before it comes back to bite me in the ass. Strangely, Fingerhut is offering me credit. It's so tempting, but I'm pretty sure that they would not approve me if I tried. I believe I still owe them money. Cre...

And like usual, my family could really care less. Not even a MYSPACE birthday hello. Nothing from my dad, though it still could come today. If I didn't have Ben and friends and the lovely people I work with, I'd be presentless and feeling rather un-loved right now. As it is, I'm only feeling slightly unloved. I know I should be used to it. I abandoned them for my own sanity, and so apparently, I don't really count. /self pity Oh and I can't afford to shop for new pants. Now I really will end the self pity. Sorry, I had to have a moment of whining and it seems inappropriate to do it at work when they actually brought me in a cake and presents.

I hate everyone today. Apparently, Wednesday is the day when I lost it. Anyone start a poll to see when I finally lost my freaking mind after not having enough time off? If you guessed Wednesday, you win! What you win? I don't know. My subconscious threw that damn dream at me, and I am just fucking annoyed after all of that. I've been thinking about it all freaking morning. I'm almost at the end of this book that I am loving. I'm not sure if it's coloring my mood or not. It's so close to the end, and I'm rooting for these people, but all of the sudden, they are all divorced. NOT A SINGLE COUPLE MADE IT through the years. I'm totally pissed. I had such hope for at least one of the couples. I really don't want a book to be able to put me in such a bad mood. Perhaps it's flowing over from all my Grandma thoughts. I don't know why this has been such a bad year. Most of the time I don't even think of my Grandma. I guess most of the time I just...

I seriously have diarrhea of the mouth you guys. Someone asked me a few questions about my family and I about told her my life story. Oh good lord, I have become that person. As you can see from my dangerous amounts of posting, when I can't talk to people, I write to people. Do they have awards for crazy posters? I should win one.

Wow, my little sisters are so cute. Was I adopted? I mean, I am not ugly, but I don't look like them either. I'm gonna try and put their pics here, but all I got is pretty grainy pictures of them. All right, this isn't working for me. Seems like I only know how to post pics from the web and the only pics I got are saved on my 'puter here. It's not fair. I can't share how cute they are with the world. DAMMIT!