Random Thoughts

Looking through want ads for jobs. I used to think, well, I don’t get the big bucks but at least I get to fuck off sometimes and the benefits are pretty good.  The benefits are still semi good. I mean, I did spend too long wondering if the phone call from my gyno to call her back meant the dreaded C and the wondering how I’d ever pay for it with my deductible/out of pocket expenses. But I only pay like 5 percent of my monthly insurance bill and they cover the rest. They profit share. They match my 401k to varying degrees when I contribute and trust me, I contribute. I thought it was dumb at 22 but the video they showed me persuaded me and I’ve been putting in ever since. 15 years of 401k contributions. But if I don’t make it to retirement age, what good does that all do?  It didn’t mean anything. All tests are fine currently. Just a solid 30 minutes of worrying while I waited for her to call me back at work since she wouldn’t tell Ben. More tests still.  Most...

This week at work was kind of a tire fire or shit show. As usual, all plans were derailed and I threatened to burn the place down and quit repeatedly. I’m pretty tired and disheartened. I didn’t ask to be the ringleader of the shit show. I didn’t ask to be the leader of accounts payable. I got beat down at every turn this week. Emails I answered early were full of annoyance from my coworkers because I didn’t reply fast enough. Emails I didn’t answer made the day worse. There was no winning. I can’t even feel like I can share on Facebook since I just feel like I’m being a whiner. Considering I left last night after working 23 hours in 2 day feeling pretty good; Like I was on top of shit; you know today must’ve been bad. It’s okay though! I’m going in on Sunday! Hooray! This will fix everything! I’m taking next Friday off. Never mind that recently who knows who might show up on a Friday. Never mind this means I have to get the weekly check run accomplished even earlier this week. S...

You ever feel like no one listens to you? My life today.

Inevitably today, I had that same old conversation. The one where someone asks me why Ben lost his license. Oh, DUI, they assumed. I'm an open book. Probably to a fault. Because I present this idea of not giving a fuck. And about that I don't. He made a mistake. He made the exact same mistake I did. But because the kid stays with the mom. Typically. It's not just that. It's a lot of grey areas. Of course it is. And I used to think I'd push the issue and "help him". But I don't want to change him and he just doesn't have a connection. Does it suck? Yes. Can I understand his point of view entirely? Fuck no I can't. I would never be made to carry a baby as a female if I said no. He would have said no. But yeah, things aren't picture perfect in real life. This inevitably, led to a further conversation. About what Ben does while I work. A conversation that I finally had to tell the other person that we'd never agree on and totally cha...

It's July's last fuck you. My nose hurts. The cold sore seems to be REALLY up in there so you know, at least it's not visible. I just feel like I have a constant booger in there. Or like I need to blow my nose.  Since I had the stupid expensive abreva, I just used it this morning. And I have lysine tablets that I picked up from Winco. So maybe it'll be over before I know it?  Stress! 😫 I told someone in an email today that they should probably tell my boss when I asked them for May credit card receipts.  They wrote back that of course it doesn't matter. If my boss fires me then he has to do my job.  It might be funny if it weren't painfully true.  So I guess it's unlimited O/T until I get caught up.  The feeling of burn out is immense. I know more people work more hours than me and more often but I'm not cut out for this shit. I've been groomed in a company that always smacked your hand for O/T and now I'm being told whate...

Well I’ve needed to speak about some stuff for awhile now and I have a little bit with certain people, but it’s not something I want all over my facebook page. So here it is. I’m becoming more and more aware of how like my mother I have become in certain ways. I know that everyone says that and then laughs, but my mom (while not the devil) is not someone anyone wants to be. I’m pretty sure even she doesn’t want to be her, although she puts on a good act. She has a highly addictive personality. Something I have likely inherited from her. In all the things she has become addicted to, I’ve avoided quite a few pitfalls. I never wanted to do cocaine or whatever the white stuff she was doing was. I’ve never understood gambling, meanwhile she used to have piles of old scratch its. I don’t know if it was to show herself or for a reason. Because she’s also a hoarder. And she ignores issues in life. Big issues. She also has a great sense of humor. We don’t agree on anything political, bu...

When everyone says they think you're awesome.  Until the express one question or thought and then you existentially question your whole self being.  Its hilarious. Nope, I'm an idiot, don't ask me.