Random Thoughts

Yesterday almost sucked really bad. I went to bed really early Tuesday night, like...earlier than my kid did, it being summer and all. Ben put him to bed, thankfully, and I just decided to really go to sleep after that, instead of just dozing off and on. I dreamt that I woke up at 4 in the morning, and was just bored as hell, so I went running around town. Not a town that I know, but a town I must know in dreams, cause I knew where everything was, enough to dart around avoiding this one guy. Most of my bad dreams involve two things..me being killed, or at least someone trying to kill me, or me knowing that some guy is bad, but no one believes me. Do with that what you will, sounds like I may have some issues. "You knew that though right? I mean, I put up some flyers..I ate a bunch of 'em" This dream was different in it's badness. I dreamt that I ran into creepy ex boyfriend and decided that since I was bored, it would be a good idea to have sex with him. The WHOLE tim...

Hard to believe, I know. So. I've had a few "WTF" moments lately. And I have to share with my girl friends, and all my close ones read this..at least most of the time. LOL. P asked if he could borrow Lestat, and I said..sure, did he want me to mail it to him, since we don't actively hang out much? I wasn't quite as wordy as all that, but that was the gist of it. He responded as such, and I'm gonna quote word for word. "I could just come and pick it up.. I mean if that's aloud and what not. You never know with you lol. Plus, I'm really sorry that I wasn't able to make your b-day party, how bout I promise to make it up to you ^^ Oh.. and you are passed your age for trusting people... just thought I'd remind you !!" Ignoring the misspelling (maybe it's supposed to be ironic?), I was still like...WTF? But I wrote this back..once upon a time, I would have said something flirty and suggestive like..how are you gonna make it up to me?, b...

Time for fluff now. That last post was pretty much deeply personal and like most times when I feel like I've shared too much, I ran away. I didn't log into MySpace at all for two days or come here to Blogger, just cause I was certain that I shared too much with my friends. I suck like that, I've been running away pretty much my whole life when things get weird, confusing, too personal, or if I feel like I'm imposing too much on them. So, let's hit some fluff instead. Like the pictures of my bookcase. Or seeing Becca at the Saturday market this weekend. Not just Becca, but a very, very super cute baby girl too. She was so happy, and calm. Becca is such an easy mom, she's doesn't give off the freaked out vibe that I probably did as a new mom. But she's had some practice, so perhaps that's why. It was very nice to be able to see her, and while Derek was pretty anti-social (like Ben, I wonder where Derek gets it from, lol) at least people got to see hi...

The computer is fixed. I KNEW that having a boyfriend would come in handy. LOL. Between him and his dad, they seem to have got it fixed. Both hard drives have been tested with no problems, thank goodness, as they are not that old. One is just over a year old, the other is only months old. I would have been pissed if that was the case. Ben's dad's friend (is that confusing?) said that it's unlikely that the RAM is the real problem, so we were able to put the 512 back in, and now it seems to be running just fine. He also mentioned that trying to buy RAM for this specific computer would be stupid, as it would cost more to find this kind of RAM than just buying a new computer. So far, so good. Ben is still installing programs back onto the computer, but at least we were able to plug in our iPods and they worked. Perhaps the funky little weird problems were just an impending sign of doom. Perhaps now that we've re-installed and started anew, we won't have the monitor go ...

Posted to MySpace on Saturday, YAY I'm caught up! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I’ve been thinking about past crushes of mine. It’s weird. I mean, duh, right? It’s ALWAYS weird when you look back at things. I was always so very focused on the person. I crushed hard lol. I’ve been having a dream lately where one of my ex-crushes is sitting at a long table full of other people and the seat next to him is always open, yet I ALWAYS chose a different seat. Strange, but it makes sense. I just think it’s funny that way my brain manifests things into my subconscious. I had some other rather strange ones the other day, but I can’t remember what they were. Just that I woke up and thought..hey, that’s weird. Ha ha. But that lyric above from Pretty Hate Machine was so me in my teenage crush years. It’s so EMO. lol. I was always ready to do what other people wanted me to do. Less so now, in fact I may over do my stubborn-ness. I really kind of compromise...

Originally posted to MySpace on March 29th. I've got three cross posted, so keep reading down, y'all. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I find that people who I used to know quite well are people I don’t know at all anymore. Maybe it was a delusion on my part to think I knew them well at all? Or maybe it’s just a natural progression of things. You’ll have to excuse me, my kid is still out of town and it seemed like the perfect time to become "a drunk and a sentimental mess". No time like the present. lol. I’m fine, just being a bit emo. Sad over things, but it’s a passing thought really. I’ve just always been the emotional type, I guess. Bad for almost all aspects of life, really, being overly sentimental. Alas, it’s not something I’ve "broken" yet. Sentimental for things that may not have ever been as friendly as I thought. It’s hard to get perspective sometimes. In any case, I’ve had a very good long weekend. Did ...

So, I had to stop myself from glaring at some poor guy on the bus last night, because he looked like my ex-best (flaming gay) guy friend. He didn't know that he reminded me of David. Mr. David Fox, who wrote me a thousand dollar check that I still have. I loved his attitude and I loved watching guys with him, although we never had the same taste. He let me sleep in his car when I was homeless, and had nowhere else to go. Why would I glare at his look-alike then? Because he fucked me over a couple of years back. He crow-barred his way into the Taco Bell where my son's father worked and stole $1400.00. Which was the price of our friendship, I guess. Now, I am fairly open-minded and still when he told me what he did, I didn't believe him. Then he took me out to breakfast, while my ex had to go to work. Where they told him that they thought he was in on it and he was fired and they were pressing charges. Which is when I told David that he better take the money back (what he had...

So, another dream last night. A regular "melting pot" of things. Some work related and others not. The non-work related stuff is what bothers me. So, like Jake's ex-wife wasn't enough for me, last night I dreamt about feeling helpless and frustrated and just impotent. The person in particular was just my boyfriend. And I am not talking about the current one, cause either he didn't have a face, or I don't remember. Anyways, he was leaving me, and he made it known. And I've had this happen and there isn't anything you can do about it. I was so confused and pissed off at the same time. I think I begged him to stay and it was no use. Did I beg Paul to stay? I can't even remember. I don't think so, I think I had too much pride. I believe he told me later that if I had asked, he would have stayed, but I don't believe that he was telling me the truth than. I'm not sure he ever told me the truth. And I blame him for these feelings of helplessne...

So, had another strange dream last night. I decided that instead of using the pillow like an armrest and bodyrest (not a word?, I don't care) that I would use my big, fluffy cow. It is squishy and soft and wonderful. I was pretty excited by how well it worked. Until I woke up at 4 in the morning with my whole right arm dead asleep. I don't know that the hell I did, but it sucked. So, I rolled around and managed to fall back asleep, which was when I started to dream about Ericka (not the correct spelling?, again I don't care). Who's Ericka, you might be asking....well, she is the father of my child's ex-wife. And consequently, not my biggest fan. In fact, she prolly thinks I am the devil. But my opinion of her isn't much better. So, in my dream, I was punching her in the face. She was egging me on, but still, I have NEVER punched someone in the face. And I thought I was doing a fairly good job of it, but it wasn't really hurting her. Prolly my sub-concious tr...

Wow, she even gets her own title. I have been realizing that That Girl is directly (and indirectly) responsible for most of the people I hang out with on a regular basis. How, you ask? Ok, maybe you aren't asking, well then flip the page. ;p This is the girl who I met through my ex and we all started hanging out. Her with her boyfriend (at the time, mine now) and me with mine. She hung out with me even though I was a pregnant teenager and therefore scary-full of hormones. Somehow she managed to get along with me, even though I am difficult. So, she is also the one who volunteered to go with me into surgery when my child decided that he would not come out on his own. To be fair, others volunteered as well, but she is the one who ended up going. I made them decide between each other. I was too far gone to choose. Since it was the ONLY time my mom went home and my ex could not deal, someone had to come. So, she came and watched them cut me open, and bring my son out. I remember her sa...

Aren't you all lucky that I'm not offending you with my song lyrics. I'm stuck on one new CD, and I don't know all the lyrics enough to bend them to my will *MWAHAHA*. Anyhow, I have come to the conclusion that the reason this person at work keeps talking to me, is because I use to encourage her. But now she butts in, when I am not talking to her and she tells me the same shit over and over. I'm not sure if I am so annoyed because I've heard all her stories, or if it's because I am sick of the negativity. I also realized last night that I do this with people. I try and coddle them and be their "mother" or their friend if they really have no one else. There is a reason they have no one else, though. Ok, not always, but mostly. For example, in grade school I hung out with this girl who always smelled funny and was kind of wierd. I never really had a problem with her. Then in middle school, I became friends with this girl (awfully enough I don't e...

My little sister is 18 years old. I know, not very little anymore. She is very pregnant. She is due in about a month and a half. I had hoped that by seeing what I went through at 17, she would not get pregnant so early. However, no luck. Part of me is like....Give me your baby and I will raise it. Even doing it myself, now I think, damn, 18 is so young. I feel for her really. But I am also immensely proud of her. Cause you see, she did something I should have done years ago. She kicked her own father out of the house. Something neither my mother nor me could seem to do. He is a fucking bastard. I hate him with a purple and pink passion. My mom said that she (my mom) had kicked him out when he said he was in love with another woman. But that he would stay with her, if she let him stay with this woman for half the week. WTF? Who would ever agree to that? I have a sneaking suspicion my mom woulda, if it had come to that. Instead, they went out drinking.....this was bad because they are BO...

Woohoo! It's Friday! And my payday....*dances all around* Ok, not really. I don't dance. I am lying, again. I dance at the Cherry Poppin' Daddies concerts. I dance like crazy. I get sweaty and full of adrenaline. I also sing at these concerts. I love them. Steve Perry is a god, and when he humps the microphone, I scream like a high-pitched girl. I am not even really high pitched. Only when I really scream. So.....not really much to say (hey, just did you just fall over in suprise?), of course I can prolly drone on about nothing anyway. So, I realized that I am posting about 4 times daily, and consequently (duh) I am getting more hits. Woohoo! 6000 here I come. Went out to lunch, on what I like to think of as my campus, and went down to Dairy Queen. I go in and breathe a sigh of relief because creepy, ex-boyfriend wannabe vampire isn't there. I am mentioning this to my co-worker, when he walks in. With his new girlfriend. She looks alot closer to his age than the girls h...

Now, my last post was rather insightful and all that. I must blame it on the New Year. Actually, I think, every so often I realize that I need to shut the hell up and deal with it. I could have it a lot worse. I love the epiphanies. It used to take a graveyard to do that to me. Apparently, I can have them all by myself now. I love graveyards. I am not morbid, but they are quiet and peaceful and really put things into perspective. I mean, I could be dead. Then my ex would have to raise my kid. I shudder at the thought. Since I am not dead, my life is going well. Which makes no sense. But it is Friday, so I don't have to make sense. On the other hand (ahh! Two sides to every idea in my head), sometimes the graveyard makes me sad. Like when I see a little babies grave. I used to beat myself up about it. I'd think something about why am I alive when these defenseless little babies never had a chance. And when I would think that, I would think, I am not that important, so why am I h...

So, it has come to my attention that I seem to be dwelling on the past alot lately and certain things bring to mind other things and sometimes, I can still kind of feel hurt by these things. So, this morning on my bus ride to work, I was listening to Christina Aguilera (because I suck) and the song "Fighter" came on. Now, this song rings so true with me most of the time. Particularly when I appear to be reliving the past so much these days. So, while I may bitch and moan about these things that happen to me (especially about boys), I can't really say that they haven't made me a better person. Smarter, and Stronger, and more capable. Even the things that I don't go into detail about, have made me a better person. Sure, I might be emotionally fucked up sometimes, but for the most part, I really have to say that I kind of have it together. Alot of that has to do with my son, and knowing I have to provide a better life for him than I got. I hope I am doing a good job ...

So, when my guy friend showed up at my house on Saturday, he was telling me that he saw an ex-thing of mine and he asked for my phone number. I hate this guy, but I told him to give it to him anyways, because I would like to see if he even calls. He is so far out of the loop that when my friend was telling him that he was coming to my house, he was like...."who?" and then when my friend clued him in, he was like...."oh, her and him". Wow this no name thing is hard. Anyways, he was refering to my ex (the father of my child), who I haven't been with in about 5 years. Apparently, this is how people know me. Which kind of pisses me off. Why do I have to be "me and someone else"? Can people not remember me otherwise? Jeez. I am a nosy fat girl with a sarcastic sense humor, how can it be so easy to forget me? Now this wouldn't be so bad, except I used to make out with this guy in his truck. He told me he had a crush on me, and I fell for it. I hardly kne...

People who live here is Oregon love snow. They are terribly excited whenever the thought of snow comes up. I hate snow. Growing up in Colorado, I had my fair share of snow. I'd walk to school every morning in the snow, uphill both ways (just kidding). I am trying to keep with the Christmas holidays and think of Christmas songs to use for my titles. It is getting hard to keep it up. I need new CDs, which shouldn't be a problem, considering that is about all I really ask for. Sometimes books and movies, but mostly CDs. We had a raffle at work, because we all have to work on Christmas Eve and they feel bad. So, of course, I win a telephone. I have only a cell phone and this might never help me. Which is prolly why I won. I traded it, but instead got a stupid bear that plays the Oregon Duck fighting song. ICK! Now my friends will really make fun of me. I am hoping to pawn it off on someone else before the kid gets home and pushes the button over and over, because that is what he l...

To anyone who doesn't have time to read this ridiculously long post, please don't. I just have to get things out somehow. It is all relationship crap anyways. Here is yet another thing that I can not talk about with very many people. Because yet again, I am afraid that they will think I am "stupid". S***, I think I am stupid for it, so I can understand and yet at the same time maybe talking about it will lessen this unnatural obsession I have. Many, many years ago (be glad I didn't start with Once upon a time), I had roommates. Two of them, plus I was living with my boyfriend (at the time) and our son. The two roommates were in a relationship. Well, the boy flirted with me a lot and I flirted right back because I am a flirt. (Much to the annoyance, of our respective partners). Now, I am pretty sure it all started as a "grass is greener" thing (probably for both of us), but it all spiraled rapidly out of control. We would be home while the other two were ...