Random Thoughts

In other news, Audit has me all in a dither. Friday I threatened to hyperventilate, but I didn't actually follow through. I only wished I could have. Maybe then they would realize that while I PRETEND I have it all under control, I get overwhelmed sometimes. I managed to get this one part done, by staying late. At least as done as I COULD get it. It's not completely finished. Anyhow. By next week, it's over, one way or another. Until next year. It's hard to believe we do this VOLUNTARILY. In home news, we're still getting used to having Derek home. He's adjusting, as are we. I've had a SUPER GOOD weekend, if you neglect hearing about my mom not doing so good again. I was SEVENTEEN when I had my kid and I STILL knew that I couldn't go to the bars every night. Never mind that I couldn't anyhow. But damn. It's a little disheartening. It makes me wish I could just email her and be like...hey, you're fucking up. Did my running away teach you nothi...

YAY! Stuff on Blogging. Not necessarily the best stuff about blogs. I'm sad that this really isn't a valid form of therapy. Now, according to a survey conducted by the PEW research center, one out of every 20 people has created their own blog. A blog, a shortened form of the word weblog, is a series of thoughts, comments and opinions written by a person known as a blogger. The blog is usually in a chronological scrolling format that allows for a kind of dialogue between the blogger and the readers. According to a survey conducted by America Online Inc., 50 percent of bloggers use their blog as a form of self-therapy and when dealing with personal issues nearly six times as many people preferred to write in their blog rather than seek counseling from a professional therapist. Occasionally, the authors of blogs remain anonymous, relieving concerns of friends and family members’ reactions. This gives bloggers the chance to express themselves freely, many times to complete stranger...

I think I got this one from my weekly horoscope. That's why my NAME is in it. It still struck home and I thought I'd share. According to Dr. Ralph Nichols, an expert on communication, "The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." But studies indicate that listeners are distracted, forgetful, or preoccupied 75% of the time, and most people only remember about 20% of a conversation after time has passed. So, do you know how to listen, Desiree? Actually, it's more involved than you might think. It's not just being quiet while someone else is talking. Here are some good tips I've found that are very helpful to hone your listening skills: Turn your face to the speaker and establish eye contact. This helps you concentrate on the speaker, instead of having your mind drift off into your own thoughts. React to the speaker by showing you understand what they are saying....

· The French recommend a nice randy round of sex, followed by heavy water consumption and a good nap to cure the ramifications of overindulging on wine and cheese. MY own comments, of course. I LIKE this cure. Everyone should use this cure. · Apparently, Russians like heavily salted cucumber juice or black bread soaked in water, and also recommend eating pickled gherkins or tomatoes and drinking some of the juice to quell the vodka blues. Meh. I do like salt. But cucumber juice? · A Haitian girl I once dated believed the best rummy’s remedy is to stick 13 black-headed pins in the cork of the bottle that gave you the hangover. (Consequently, I didn’t believe her, but when we broke up I had a headache for two weeks, got a case of the gout and my hamster died -- it was weird.) You gotta love the little side story. I don't even remember where I got this from, but it IS funny. I want to give some asshole gout. · Some associates in Amsterdam swear by a more herbal method to allevi...

I copied my post over to MySpace about boys and sex and all that stuff. I can't remember the exact post title. OK, OK! I'll look it up. Shake you off ANYHOW. Since I posted that, I've gotten two requests for advice. This scares the hell outta me. It's not like I feel like I KNOW what I'm doing. It just happened that I was feeling insightful that day. And a lot of where I am now, is just dumb luck. I don't feel like this qualifies me to give advice. Like anyone telling me to just get over it would've helped in any of the situations where I let a man fuck with me. I'm completely retarded when it comes to men. I just lucked onto a good one. My sister is dealing with her ex. My niece's father. Which makes life a lot harder. You have to still see them, even if they piss you off. She's getting out of a bad relationship. He sounds abusive. She says he has a lot of money (or his parents do) and they are going to try and get custody from her. =( She asked...

I HATE the Presidents of the United States. A bunch. A lot. Lump totally pissed me off. But I have the most supreme hatred for Peaches. That song will be stuck in my head FOREVER, and I hate it. (someone just told me the video has a bunch of ninjas up in a tree. This makes me hate it anew. They cannot use the ninjas to DRAW ME IN.) Why? Why do I hate the song so much? On top of the retardness of it...I mean..WTF?? I can sing all about moving to the country over and over. Why can't I make some money for that, I hate it for my own SPECIAL reasons. Once upon a time, all the guys I hung out with were real big on the way girls "tasted" and who tasted like what. Jake seemed to be the supreme being of knowledge on this subject (he musta been a slut at one point too), and would share with anyone who asked who tasted like what. Julie tasted like Vanilla. And I tasted like Peaches. HOW I WANTED TO TASTE LIKE VANILLA. Cause everyone loved Julie and I was jealous. All the boys I ha...

I started this day CONVINCED that Jake was gonna get a piece of my mind. Karina intervened and became my voice of reason before I FLEW off the handle. (Did you guys know I can fly? Obviously, I can) She's right. I don't know anything about the context. He might have only been trying to get Derek to eat something and Derek said...well, I don't have to eat that at home and then who knows what else happened. The point is, I do not. So there isn't a whole lot of point in getting all pissed off and reaming him. Even though he PROBABLY deserves it. I just need to let it go. (excuse me while I laugh HYSTERICALLY. yeah, sure I'll let it go. Or not) Point is....what was the point? Oh yeah. I've calmed down and I'm leaving it at that. I'm using it as an opportunity to teach Derek that sometimes tact is the best option possible. Cause sometimes people just don't need to know things. I told him that perhaps he should not tell me if his dad says things about me, ...

Derek just told me that his dad said that all the food we eat is junk. Y'know, I just buy what I can afford. So, yeah, I buy hot dogs. Would he like to pay more child support so that I can buy fish and steak and chicken every fucking night? We don't much like chicken around here. And when we do eat it, it's all about the white meat and we like it boneless. We don't like surprises in our meat. And, of course, breast meat is the most expensive. I'm twitching, I'm so angry. I was totally gonna call him and tell him that beyond what he may think of our food, he doesn't need to bad mouth my house while Derek is up there. We have made it a BIG POINT not to bad mouth Jake. We instead say things like well, we don't think that was a good decision, but it's his decision and obviously, we do not make the same. Derek said that they MADE him watch CSI cause they wanted to watch it one night DURING DINNER. I can't even make BEN watch CSI when he is eating. It...

And some of them are things I already knew. But anyhow. SPAM ALERT!!!!!!!!!! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mis...

So, I woke up with a headache. I tore a nail trying to shut the door. I dropped my keys in the dirt. Then I shut the door on my hair. It's going to be one of those days. I don't even care, cause she is QUITTING. And I'm still riding the high from that. Even if my head hurts. =S did I mention my leg is cramping? Along with my stomach. Pretty painfully. No bleeding though. =S This day is DETERMINED to break my good mood. I am EQUALLY determined not to let it. (who do you think will win?) The headache has taken up residence behind my right eye. It would like to push the eye out. At least that is the way it feels. I finally decided to take something for it. BOTH the pills got stuck on the way down. I took them one at a time, they both stuck in the back of my throat. Perhaps this is why I only take pills under great duress. This headache is ALMOST so bad that I can't think. Then I was like...why? Why does my thumb hurt? And I have a blister. It's hard to see, but it su...

You know, something's been playing at the edge of my mind FOREVER. When we had dinner with Ben's dad, he went on and on about this girl who is living there. She's so pretty, she's so smart, blah, blah, blah. I gather that she is helping him and it's great that he isn't alone in that big house, but... I don't know. It almost felt like each time, it was a little slight. Maybe I'm not YOUR idea of pretty, maybe I'm not CONVENTIONALLY pretty, but I AM DAMN SMART. And don't get me wrong, I don't even KNOW this girl, but living with your jailbird husband's ex-step-father doesn't sound like she is very smart. I mean...I am smart and capable. I can take care of my shit, I have NEVER had to move back in with my parents as my parents did a few times. So BECAUSE I am capable, I am not as good? That's kinda what it feels like . It's like that whole thing where men want a woman to rescue. It's no wonder I'm not married, I wouldn...

I heard the Cranberries this morning. Linger..I really love that song. Most of the people I know don't. They'll groan when it comes on and I make them listen to it anyhow. Cause I am NICE like that. This morning, it made me think of (instead of BOYS, like usual, and pointless crushes, cause a LOT of songs make me think of those things...but lyrics like. You know, I'm such a fool for you, you've got me wrapped around your finger, don't help. Those lyrics could mean little else.) But instead, it reminded me of Christina. Beautiful Christina who was in Spanish with me. I was a freshman and she was a sophomore. I remember thinking...wow, how wise she was. Ha ha. I know. We sat next to each other and she was SUPER friendly, even though I wasn't necessarily popular. We bonded over this guy's bubble butt. He was her age and we liked how round his butt was. His name was Aaron and he was blond and well. he had a nice butt. We would giggle so much in that class and ...

A LONG TIME AGO! Before Derek even went to Portland....I was putting him to bed and "This Love came on the radio, and I started softly singing along with it, and he was like...what? You know this song? I always get a kick out of it when he realizes that something he LIKES is something I like and that I am even aware of. Unless it's Mario and then he just sounds disbelieving, and I take it like...what? A GIRL can't play nintendo? Maybe just a mom, but I'm always like OF COURSE I CAN. JEEZ. And I noticed that he kicks out a lot with his legs. Maybe like a ninja =). But I started copying him the other day and he was like what are you doing? And I said..I'm kicking. Just like you do. Cause I noticed that it kinda feels cool, the swing of the leg from back to front. Gravity and the fight against it! He wasn't very impressed and thought I was doing it wrong. I asked how and he said that HE doesn't kick that high and what if I kicked someone in the head. I could s...

I know I didn't go into much detail about my party. I'm really doing my best to view it in the best possible way. I started to get really TENSE and worried when it was time for people to show up. Perhaps because I felt like I needed to entertain them and I'm not terribly entertaining? I don't know. Heather was first, and she brought me my alcohol, as I hadn't wanted to leave the house that day. (Thursday I attacked the bathroom, getting it SUPER clean. Friday I wanted to take a bath with some of the stuff Ben's mom got me. Which included bath oils, I've got to be retarded, cause I used them. They made my clean bath all oily and slippery. I know that's the purpose, but my tub is weird and I don't think the oil is very good for it. =( I need a porcelain tub, not this plastic THING. I shaved my legs and finished a book. With Derek home, I'll not have as much time to do things like read, or take baths.) Heather was first, and then Sidney. Marshall co...

I'm very blah today. Most of the day was spent running around like a chicken with it's head cut off getting everything done. It's check run day and I do the checks. So, I spend more Thursdays in a tizzy. But afterwards, it's just like...why am I still working? I got the big thing done, can't I just go home now? I haven't drank nearly enough water this week. And it might indirectly contribute to my blahs. I feel better when I drink enough water. Add that to this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Most likely people were busy today, but after my post yesterday and no one said anything, I was just like...well, I did piss people off. Screw it. There's nothing I can do about it now. Some days I am TERRIFIED that no one will like me and I won't have any friends. Other days, I just don't care. It's all I need to be able to go home and veg and ignore everything. Today is apparently one of those days. Less blah, and more squicky? Some guy ca...

I had meant to post something about this sooner, but it didn't happen. So here it is. For what it's worth. First, I became sucked into the quagmire of trying to make everyone happy and like each other. Which is really freaking impossible. A totally stupid thing to do. They will either like each other, or they won't. And I'll prolly have no real bearing on the outcome. Neither will change their mind because of me. They'll either figure it out, or they won't. I'm trying SO HARD to be ok with this. Cause it really is ALL ABOUT ME and I want all my friends to be friends. It's too hard when they aren't. Like..who should I invite to this? Can I invite them both? It's hard. And draining. I was tense for much of last week. My day off helped though. Anyhow. I've just come to the conclusion that either it will be worked out, or it won't. I know...it's simple. Sometimes I take a long time to get to the simplest conclusions. Cause first, I must t...

Do you remember when you were a little kid and nothing seemed to faze you that much? It's interesting how as I get older and more used to this body that I can FEEL my blood pressure rising. I can FEEL the reaction my body gives off to the stress. I can FEEL little pains more and more. Such as the weird gas pains. It's not like I've just developed them, you'd think. Weird ways my stomach moves, like...almost feels like a baby moving around, but I KNOW better. I swear it's some kind of joke on us. As we get older, we become more in tune. Which just makes us more annoyed. I'd have preferred to get the weird little pains as a child, so that they didn't annoy me more as an adult. Especially since I am already too annoyed most times. Like when the new girl needs to fax something. She brings it up here and stands behind me and eats chips or something. Like....are you THAT hungry? Can you not wait until you go back down to your desk in five minutes? Do you need to C...

My kid will be home before I know it. That's the way it always goes. All of the sudden, it's time again, and he is home. I have yet to clean his room up. I swore I would. I still have 4 WHOLE DAYS! I can do it. I really can. Basically, he has a crapload of toys that he really doesn't need. He is ALWAYS bored, so he can't really play with all those damn toys, right? I have to call him tonight and talk to him, then start on the cleaning. I don't want to do it all Friday night, after work, after shopping. That would be CRAP. (edit) They are bringing the baby with them when they come visit, so I get some baby love. I talked with Karen today. She's doing pretty good, but babysitting! Eek. Having a baby in the house, just one baby to pay all the attention to, is fantastic. But having two babies under 6 months? She's tired and I don't blame her. She's half convinced that she might not want to have another kid. That once is enough. I totally understand. I ...

Do you know what I find hilarious? As I get older, and I manage to run into people who I used to have crushes on, I finally get to the point where I am like...wtf? What did I see in that person? Which makes me happy. Endless crushes do not. Most crushes were unrequited (as they tend to be). Though most I managed to at least sleep with. Stupid me, as a teenager, I thought...well, if we sleep together, than I MEAN something. Yes, laughable. But perfectly understandable for a hormonal teenager. Jake is the funniest of all. We went out for like a week, and then I dated 2 other people (slept with a few more..I was a slut), and still I was like...I really kinda like him. Which was STUPID. Seeing as how he'd cheated on me with Erycka when we first went out. And perhaps I felt somewhat vindicated being the dumper later on. But I didn't go into the relationship thinking that, I was just like...OMG! I finally get to be with this person that I've been thinking about for SO long. None...

We went over to Marcus' house and hung out there. I met some new people. Got to hang out with Roy, who amused me to no end. He's a funny guy. If a little crazy sometimes. We waited for Jesse and then walked downtown at 9. Down an alley. I can't tell you how much I laughed. It was a good walk. When you have such a good time, it's easy to just walk and not care how far it is. Plus, it was pretty cool outside, so that was awesome. I had lunch with Tara that day and managed to spill my drink all over my pants, so I was a little worried that the rest of the day would be a mess. With only one little snafu, it turned out to be a damn good day. I'm feeling like quite the consumer whore, because I LOVE my presents. I really feel like this year, birthday karma paid off. So I shall be doing my damndest to "pay it forward", as they say. With Jenn's birthday coming up, I'll have to find something awesome. She's a little hard to buy for, as we don't hang...

Shape of a Mother And Natural Breasts These are two AWESOME sites that show me that my body really isn't that bad. And my breasts? They are fantastic. I had NO idea. I mean, I like them, but I've seen bigger (bigger=better in my mind), and shaplier. But mine got a good round shape and they don't even sag as much as I thought.

I've been trying not to be addicted to the computer. Especially this last week before Derek comes back. My LONG weekend was fantastic. My party became an intimate get together. Cause that's what happens sometimes. Sometimes it's nice not to have to try and listen when there are ten people in the room. So really, small parties might just be my thing. To anyone who didn't make it, know you were missed. While I liked the smaller party, I still woulda liked to see you. I have poor planning with these things. And my refusal to call people doesn't help. I hate calling. My trip to the coast Saturday was awesome. Very much deserving it's own post, which you will get. I, sadly, did not have my camera, so I shall be entirely reliant on Karina's photos. It was exciting and I've seen more towns in Oregon than I'd ever seen before. I was VERY sleep dep-ed. To the point that I was tingly. Which was weird. A little dazed and confused as well. It's my fault for ...

I want one of these on a house. It'd be like a castle.

ALSO! I know people will be coming over. Apparently, they just don't like to confirm. But I've got at least six people. And six people plus us, and we got a party. An intimate party. My house isn't huge anyway. On my birthday it was overcast and breezy and it even FUCKING rained. I could not have been happier. It was gorgeous. I HATE the HOT days. I've been cleaning like a mad woman. I got the bathroom done yesterday and the living room done today and now I need to straighten my room, just because, and then get myself presentable. People will be here before I know it, I'm sure. Ben and I went out for breakfast yesterday. Yummy stuffed hashbrowns. It's like..how can you make hashbrowns ANY better. With cheese and cream cheese? Or Sour cream. I couldn't quite tell. With endless coffee. Yummy. We were perusing Blockbuster when my dad called. My mom hasn't even sent me an email, but my dad sends a card and money and calls. Sure, it's all fueled by guilt ...

I went into work early, so I got off early. I got quite the haul. Ben's mom even showed up at my work with a present. =) She's really kinda awesome. Even if I don't know what to say to parents. I got a new cow, a bath set, a candle holder, and money. Plus the Ipod. I'm feeling a little like a consumer whore, but fuck it, I like things. We went out to see some friends that night, and just hung out at their house. Then we walked downtown at 9. I love walking with people. I really do. Tried to go have a birthday drink? They finally realized my ID was expired. I KNEW it would happen on my birthday. Bitches. A different bar might not of, but I was kinda tired and we needed to get home, to get to the store. For cranberry. Tried to watch a movie. Fell asleep at 1:30. (I got up at FIVE, I was TOO excited) All in all, a pretty fun day. If not rip roaring exciting. Perhaps tonight will be.

I KNOW, I'm a lazy bitch. I've meant to update, but it just didn't happen. Tuesday night I talked to Jake and Derek. Jake tried to give me gray hairs. It was weird. He called and asked if Derek had ever sleep walked before. And the way he was describing it, I started to really worry. When he got to the end which was I'm just afraid he'll hurt himself, I was REALLY FREAKED OUT. I think the dogs next door coulda heard my voice as I started babbling, very high pitched, about how Derek doesn't do that hear and I don't understand what the problem is. I was officially freaking out. So. Then Karen must have sensed my distress, cause she took over the conversation and explained what had really happened. It was no big deal. He would be doing something funny, like trying to turn off the bathroom light by opening and closing the toilet lid. And he wasn't really making sense, like he wasn't quite fully awake. Which has happened before, he'll come down the ha...

For my birthday, I got a stiff neck. And it's spread to my shoulder. I think this is a result of my hair being too big in the back. It pushes my head forward when I try to lounge, and perhaps contributes to the stiff neck. I'm really kinda worried. I'm pretty sure I'll have 3 whole people at my party. I was hoping that MySpace would reel em in, but apparently, calling people is really the best way? Or perhaps they just don't want to hang out with me. That could happen. The ones who I know would try to make it, live too far away, or have other plans. I've not heard much of anything definite. Sidney said she would be here. I outta make Jesse call Marshall. I HATE calling people. =( Which leads to no one coming to my "parties". Or because I suck. Neither prospect makes me really happy. Part of it might be I stated it was BYOB. Bring your own booze. I am poor and it's my birthday, I shouldn't have to buy everyone's alcohol. I'm not a good h...

It's almost my birthday! Come over Friday! Just to say hi, just to hang for a few minutes. Bring some alcohol and plan to stay awhile. Whatever makes you happy. It'll make me happy to see you. My birthday is actually Wednesday!!!! Not Friday, but you can't have a semi-party on a Wednesday.

You guys! Today is my sister's birthday. I know I've made a big deal about my own, but hers is JUST as important. She is 20! It's hard to believe, it was hard enough to believe she was a teenager and now she isn't even that anymore. I remember the first day I saw her. I was either visiting my dad, or I might have been living with him at the time. But I remember that we went somewhere and met up with my mom and step father, and my NEW BABY SISTER. I was SO happy. For my birthday (in my 6 year old mind), my mom had got me a BRAND NEW SISTER. Like a living doll! So cute and cuddly. And I think that she was actually a happy baby. So quiet and cute. I was thrilled. I loved babies and now I could play with one. I don't know that I actually got to play with her, but I loved her, with all my little six year old heart. She was small and I was fiercly protective. Still am, I suppose. My mom said that when she would have to go and get her immunization shots, I would cry. She w...

I played hooky yesterday. Actually, it was all very adult of me. I called in and asked if I could come in later...say around noon. I had texted Heather Saturday and she had Monday off. I didn't, but made sure I could come in later. The majority of the weeding is done. We just needed to take the pile of twigs, leafs, branches, bullcrap somewhere. It was pretty high. Heather's dad has a truck. Heather is awesome and always has my back. (that's the only way I could think to word that.) I do not mean this as every other one of my friends didn't, cause often I do not have time to help people I would like to help. But Heather manages to come through a lot. She's the one who took me to the emergency room when I had strep and my mother could not be bothered. Or rather, she didn't think I was sick enough. Thanks for the steriods they had to give me for that, mom. Those were yummy. We took three loads to Rexius. On the way with the first one, we stopped at my work and I r...

So finally, I get to Sidney's party fun. Getting there was half the battle. The sun was HOT and the busses don't run the same on Saturday. Which I failed to take into account. And we had to detour for my camera. I woulda been PISSED if I hadn't have had it. So it was a worthwhile trip. We got downtown just in time for a bus, which left 10 minutes before the one we wanted. Which was good, as we wanted to eat first. So Ben ran to pick up Taco Bell, I ran the other direction to get cranberry juice, and we met up with about 2 minutes before the bus got there. Cause we are awesome. We sat at the bus stop and ate, to not be rude. Then we headed off. Sidney's house is a little hard to find. You have to walk down this street, turn onto this other street, then turn again. And there wasn't a street sign. So that made it more difficult. But I was RIGHT in front of her house before I called. I was like...well, I think this is it, but I don't want to knock if not. So I calle...

Not having a kid here sometimes is awesome. We can decide at 12:30 in the morning, to run down to Safeway. Drunken walks to Safeway rock. I wore a black sock and a white sock, cause I was running out of time. Everytime I saw someone, I was like...maybe they are crazy and wearing different colored socks. =) Like me. It made me miss Ariel more though. Damnit woman.