Random Thoughts

Or so they say. I'm trying to be all philosophical and stuff. It's not really working. All I know for sure is that I want to smack the two people who sit on their asses at work all day! They are both younger than me, and I'm pretty sure I move faster and more. One of them is a skinny little bitch too. With the cookie eating and the NEVER walking, I don't understand. She kind of looks like a monkey too. I'm really kind of mean most of the time, just so you know. I really rather hate most people. My kid is still gone. I'm doing crap with my time, but with no fun money it's not like I can jump all over going places. I did; however, get my hotmail down to 10 pages! I know, that still sounds like a lot. Except it had been at 32 pages and shit. All my junk mail goes there, along with 3 different survey email peoples. I get "points" and then trade them in for crap. Sadly the one that has the biggest balance has NO good rewards. I can get one day off my He...

Very much so. It's still recuperating from Christmas. I ate too much. It made my tummy hurt. And then yesterday, my tummy still hurt. It's like...after all the eating, I should not eat for a couple of days? I dunno. I think I'm building up too much gas again. I know I forgot to buy more yogurt, which makes me sad. Cause yogurt makes me burp. Which is a very good thing. It feels like Tuesday, what with Monday being a holiday, but I can't help but wish that we could go back in time to a week ago, when I was almost done with my week, and ready for my 4 day weekend. It always goes so fast. I had a GREAT time though. Friday night, I went shopping with Karina, speed shopping! And I only spent 76 dollars or so, so that was pretty freaking awesome. Then Heather took me out for beers. How many? Don't entirely remember. We ran into Jennie and her friends, and just sat and drank beer, until I started yawning. Then Heather took me home. When I got home @ 12:30, I decided that w...

Pictures! I've got a whole long list of pictures I'd like to show you. Not really heavy on content, but it's Christmas and I'm enjoying the hell out of it. I have to go back to work tomorrow, but it's only for 4 days! Then I get 3 days off again. I'm pretty fucking excited. New Year's Free! I just don't know what the hell I'll be doing, but at least I'll be free. Only thing I know for sure, is I'll be spending it with Ben. That is what happens on New Years. Every year has been good. Last year was a little weird, what with Jesse's drunken-ness. I'm a little scared to spend time with him again this year, in case it is the New Year that fucks everything up in his head. But he's probably the one who knows where anything awesome is happening. I'm debating. Anyhow, on with the pictures! Derek and Lily Karen and Lily Derek in the middle, kind of hard to see. My first present! YAY! Body pillow-ness! Again, Derek and Lily Jesse in a bo...

disclaimer - (Any reference to Thursday was LAST Thursday. I saw it before and now I can't find Thursday to edit and I can't spend all damn night.) Derek's pageant was SO cute. Ben invited his mom along, so that we got some holiday time with her. He had an ulterior motive though. He doesn't do so well with his mother. She is a very nice, very friendly woman. It's just that he is freshly moved out of his house and he can't understand why she thinks he wants to hang out with his parents. She asks a LOT of questions, and usually something that makes us uncomfortable. Like talking about having other kids. I get that she would like a grandkid, but it's just not gonna happen. Ben and I won't have any kids, so she is out of luck. At least she gets Derek, to an extent. And Ben's sister Juliette...well, she won't be able to have kids for a good long while. Until she can get out of jail that is. We got a picture of her in our Christmas card from his mom an...

I took too much upon myself and made myself too stressed out. I cried, but then Jen and Deanna rubbed my back, and fixed my hair pretty. They are smart girls, nothing quite calms me down like a back rub and hair playing. Then they helped me so that I could actually get it done. But before that, I was just pissed. And it would have been fine except Jen came in and asked if I was stressed and was all concerned, so then I started crying. Shit, at this point, whatever works. I really wouldn't have been able to do all of that, and no one seemed to get that before I cried about it. Well, a few people did, but they couldn't help, and when they suggested I ask for help, I did. But it wasn't much and it felt like the person doing it resented being asked to help. So, instead I cried and then everyone wanted to help. But it got done, and that is what matters. I hate shopping, just so you know. A bunch. I thought of a couple things to get Ben, cause see? My downfall is opening presents...

I actually slept last night! I almost want to shout from the mountains. It's rather amazing how a little bit of extra sleep makes me feel more sharp, and less easily annoyed, and just almost...ecstatic. I went to bed at 8:15 last night. I figured if I was gonna wake up at 1, maybe I should just do naps. I woke up very briefly at 11:30, and then again at 1:00. At 1:00, I got a little worried, cause that was the same time from the night before when I couldn't sleep, so maybe it was a pattern and I wouldn't be able to sleep again. Nothing like worrying about not sleeping to keep you from sleeping. Hee hee. Not really, wouldn't that suck? Then I slept well until 5, when the alarm started going off, and I hit snooze until 5:45 or so. (I wake Ben up too, just not by typing. Usually my alarm goes off for about an hour until I get up.) I talked to Jake last night, Derek was at his cousin's, so I figured I'd call him tonight instead. Didn't want to intrude on the sle...

I believe I've used that title before, but it's all I can think of. I believe my child being gone is screwing with my sleeping. I can't remember if it's happened before or what. But it's pissing me off. I keep thinking...OH! Derek is gone, I can get a TON of sleep, I can sleep in when I don't have to work and everything like that. But no, instead I wake up and can't sleep. Like..maybe I'm worried? It's the only thing that's been different, so that's all I got. Case in point, I was exhausted yesterday and figured I should sleep like a ROCK...I went to bed before ten, and thought..well, this is awesome, I can get up and shower and be lazy for a bit in the morning before going in so early (I'm early all this week). WRONG! I woke up at 1:00...and didn't get back to sleep until 4:30. I tossed and turned for almost an hour until I asked Ben to rub my back. He rubbed my back for an HOUR before he got tired and decided to go to bed. It was a...

Cranberries rock my world. And they kind of tie in to this entry. So there. We watched some movies on Saturday after Derek left. We had rented Click, I figured it would be a funny Adam Sandler movie. Like most others I've seen of his. HEAVY DRAMA. Seriously. I was crying at the end, and I was TRYING to be happy, those bastards. I mean, if that's what I was looking for, it would have been good. And I get the whole reasoning behind it. Be happy with what you have, like usual, and don't go to fast. I was sad for him at the end. It just kept getting worse and worse. Though I do love Christopher Walken. He is funny and strange, and wonderful. And the slower version of Linger made me happy. They even still used Delores O'Riordan, even if not the whole Cranberries. No one else can sing that song, so that made me HAPPY. =) Then we realized that we needed to hit the liquor store if we were going to, and so I sent Ben and sat down to FINALLY watch High Tension. Ariel recommended...

I'm freaking EXHAUSTED. I fell asleep early, but I woke up at 4, and couldn't get back to sleep. That's the short version, the long version, is that I woke up at 4, Ben was typing away, I made huffy noises until 4:30, when I grabbed a blanket and went to lay on the couch. He went to bed right after that, of course, and I decided that I HATED the couch, cause I DID want to be near him, and went back to bed. He rubbed my back, trying to make me feel better, I guess, but that just led to other things. At 5:30, I said to hell with it, and got up and drank half a pot of coffee. I just got more coffee. My typing is decidedly faster, but also decidedly worse. I think I'll go home and just pass the hell out. Seriously. The good news is that I worked yesterday and now I'm already on Tuesday. I have Friday through Monday off, and I'm pretty excited about that. I believe I have plans with Jenn and Karina to do...something, anything really. Either Friday or Saturday, we did...

Today at work was our holiday potluck. We really celebrate the season around here. First we have team member appreciation night, and we get an extra discount, and food, and a Santa Claus. Then we do faculty night, which isn't for us, but still fun for us. Then we have the holiday dinner party, which is also store wide. That thing I went to last Friday! And then we have a little Accounting potluck. Not really Accounting anymore, as we have drug other people into our shenanigans. Plus, we do a Secret Santa. This year, I pretty much jumped on that shit. I was like...ok, we plan out who is participating, and I went around and nazi-ed everyone into letting me know if they wanted to or not. Then I nazi-ed everyone into picking a damn name, then I nazi-ed everyone into writing down gift ideas. Seriously, it was almost like pulling teeth. People just didn't want to, or something. I understand, but then DON'T PARTICIPATE. It's really that easy. Meanwhile, I'm ...

It was still hot today at work. This happens every year. They wait as long as they possibly can to turn on the heat, and I guess I can understand that. Being how my bill is high, theirs is probably RI-COCK-ULOUS. (I love that word) So, I will instead bitch about it here. But when we get a cold freeze, like last week, they turn it on. And then the weather is like today when it was 53 at 9 this morning. More normal for us, anyhow. But then the heat is like...WTH? And goes cuckoo. Like it was at 75 for much of the day. Which is fine, until you MOVE. And then you are unbearably hot. I've got another headache and it pisses me off. While we are on the subject of work, cause that is ALL I do, these kids are screwing up my schedule. I allot a certain amount of hours for this person and that person, and then they come in late instead, and offer their hours to someone else. Which is fine, hurray, someone is covering that shift. Until the next day when the first pe...

That is what I would like to be, is just asleep. As asleep as I can be. I went to bed early last night, as I came into work early, and I was tired. I was so happy for myself that I went to bed early. Until I woke up at midnight, and had to get ready for bed, officially. Then I fell back asleep and woke up at 2:11, and couldn't get back to sleep until 3:17. I know, cause I could not stop looking at the clock. They say that if you can't fall asleep you just get up, and then you can later. Except I'm always worried that I will just wake up more and then not be able to go back to sleep until about....6, when I am exhausted, and then have to get up in an hour. I used to try to just stay up, and give up, but I ALWAYS start to nod off right before I have to leave. Even sitting up, I can nod off. So, instead I toss and turn and get pissed off. Ben was still awake for some reason, even after getting up early enough to take Derek to school. So, I made a bunch of...

Last night was awesome! Tara and I walked up there from work, and I was totally CUTE, and it was kind of slow starting. We each got a drink, which I thought were priced pretty accordingly, but maybe these people go to bars that I don't know about and that cost less. We headed for our boss' boss, cause she is really awesome and we sat down with her. I was really worried that my boss would sit with us and she would be scrutinizing how many drinks I had, and making faces or something. But then I said to hell with it. I wasn't on the clock, I was buying my own drinks, and I know that a few people got really drunk, and I wasn't. So, she did sit with us, but she didn't care or pay much attention to me at all. The food was yummier than I had thought it would be. Halibut and really juicy chicken. I love fish, but rarely get a chance to eat it, and it's even rarer that I don't over cook it. Cause I don't fucking know how to cook fish, but I try occasionally; this...

I've been adding records to Itunes like crazy. Someone (*cough* Ben *cough*) makes fun of me when I don't add more music onto it. Cause he's about a gig ahead of me. I found an older CD of mine that is really pretty freaking awesome. Among the songs are: Like A Bird (old school Nelly Furtado) Ready To Go (Republica) Freedom (Robbie Williams) Smooth (Rob Thomas and Santana) Big Time Sensuality (Bjork) I Try (Macy Gray) I Miss You - Remix (Bjork) South Side (Moby and Gwen) 6 Underground (Sneaker Pimps) To The Moon and Back (Savage Garden) I think it might be the BEST CD I've ever burned. It's all I've listened to since I put it on the Ipod. I love Nelly Furtado, and it's nice to give the newer stuff a break. And Ready to Go? This line is the best.."I know my ex boyfriend lies, oh he does it every time, it's his permanent disguise, yeah, but he's drop dead gorgeous." Because I'm sure a lot of ex-boyfri...

I'm feeling better anyway. Not that you would have known that at 5 this morning, when I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. So instead, I just started crying, and whining. Ben was like...are you ok? And I explained, but not well. I'm not a good person at 5 in the morning. I find that I wake up OFTEN at night. Too often. And part of it might be that Ben stays up later and we have the computer in the bedroom, but when I wake up and he isn't there, I just get confused and worried. When he didn't live there, the first thing I thought upon waking was....I bet there is someone in my house. Now, I KNOW better, but that didn't stop me. And even if he has left the room to watch TV in the living room, or play with his guitar, I find myself concerned, almost to the point of getting out of bed to go check on him. But I probably do get woken up more when he is in the room, and I don't know how to fix that. Because I want him there, but I want t...

So, last night, I pretty much convinced myself that I was dying. Or at least going to have to have my leg amputated. My leg had felt weird for a bit. Like ultra tender, like it was bruised, and it kind of hurt to walk on. When I go undressed last night, I noticed how red it was. Kind of like a rash. I don't really know how to explain it and pictures don't do it justice. It's not a bumpy rash, but it hurt to touch and felt bruised. I figured, what the hell, I'll try to show you with pictures. This was taken this morning after I woke up, I did not take any last night. This one came out a lot better (worse?) good lord. That looks like crap. Anyone know what it might be? Besides anything that requires amputation, cause seriously, I'm pretty sure it won't require amputation. Again, it's probably just my skin, saying fuck you to the cold ass weather. It looks a LOT better now. And it was all around my leg, almost a perfect circle. It's very splotchy, and just ...

(You've been warned, this is more of a multi subject post, very rambly. Sorry.) I just went to check out my monthly payment for my school loans, see how much I needed to pay this month and when it was due and all that. I signed up for an email reminder, but it either got flagged as spam, or I deleted it without realizing. Which makes it rather hard to pay it, right? My payments went up, based on last year's income, and that is fine. Completely to be expected. However, my payments don't even cover the interest each month. My student loan balance, is, in effect, getting bigger and not smaller. =( I'll just be paying on that fucker forever, I guess. Regular payments are like....almost twice what I pay now. And I just can't afford that monthly. =( The whole thing makes me sad. Aside from that, um, I wanted to mention that I actually have CHRISTMAS cards this year. I am not one for mailing much, but I bought a BUNCH last year when they went on sale and I am SO sending ou...

I went to Jenn's house today. That bus ride is like a walk down memory lane. Was that cliche or what? On the way there, I was like...whoa. This place and that place. Then on the way back, I passed my sister's old school and my old house too. First, I pass Dylan's old house, where I spent a few days, skipping classes. Then I pass Heather's house, where I also spent a few classes. Jeez, apparently, I was a bad high school student. Yet I went on to college and graduated, so there is hope for parents everywhere. Then Churchill, the place where I skipped many classes...and sometimes just sat in the computer room and used "talkers" to spend time "with" people from all over the place. I had my own internet boyfriend people. HA! We tried to do the whole cybersex thing, but I am no good at it. I was just like....uh huh, I do that back. Not very original. Once I took some acid and laughed and laughed at the computer screen, cause it was so ridiculous how I was...

I got off work really early. Had about an hour of overtime to drop. So, I've come home...and I tried to nap, but I was almost asleep and then something woke me up. And once that happens, I can't fall back asleep. My stomach's been bothering me all day. I think it was the box wine from Faculty Night. This year went better. No power going out. It was madness. SO MANY PEOPLE. They all want free food and free wine. It's like we were some exclusive night club for a night. Barring people at the door and shit. I had a lot of fun. Missed some people, who are just too fun. They didn't or couldn't work that late. Instead, I made do with who I had. Got home at 9:30, went back at 7:30 this morning. I'm tired, but...I dunno. I don't think I can sleep. I'm half afraid to try. I've been having really weird dreams. (I just had more than a burp. Ick. Apparently, my stomach is STILL upset.) The other night, I had one where I nothing particularly frightening happen...