Random Thoughts

I suppose I should stop saying MY Grandma, as half my preferred list are relatives who share Grandma. I feel proprietary I guess. I'm having a hard time lately. I've always felt that if Grandma were still alive, she would have kept my mom in line. Away from the drugs and everything else. But recently, I wonder if that's the case. Cause you see, EVERYONE of my aunts and uncles seem to have problems. Perhaps it's just the way life worked out, but when most of the family ends up angry, bitter, and fucked up, it's hard to believe that my Grandma didn't put some sort of snowball effect in motion. That she was perhaps not the best mother herself? It feels disloyal to share these thoughts out loud, cause she was always so strong to me. But I don't know what else to think. Let me share a better story with you. Well, kind of a better story. When I was younger...probably around 4 or 5, Grandma had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who rode a motorcycle. One time I really wante...

As if it's not enough that I watch the Haunting show, now I can't seem to keep myself from watching Paranormal State. This year (in about 9 months) will signify my Grandma being dead for 20 years. I'm not sure how someone who was in my life for so little time overall makes such an impact on me, but she still does. And if there are ghosts, I believe she's watching over me as a ghost herself. Does any of that make sense? No logic here today people. My Grandma was in the hospital for a long time before she died. It was not surprising, as she had cancer. Lung cancer, a big one if I do say so myself. I do not have one single picture of her, but I do have her sewing machine. Which I have no idea how to run, but it's a part of her that I am severely loathe to lose. A part that really only fell into my lap when my family moved and couldn't take it with them. Did I mention that I miss her? Her crazy blue eyeliner that she used to make cat eyes? Or her perm to make her ha...

I'm watching "A Haunting" cause I can. (YAY for a day off!) As "left brain" as I am, I must admit that I'm not entirely sure of the non-existence of ghosts. Aliens, I have no problem not believing in, but ghosts are entirely another subject. Maybe it's completely ridiculous, but the way I feel when alone in a quiet house has nothing to do with logic. I'm feeling bad for the kid in this one. He just keeps trying to tell his parents about this "ghost" or "demon" or whatnot, and they don't believe him. Could I believe Derek if he said that same thing? Without seeing anything weird? This is like the boogeyman in the closet thing. Who believes their child when they think there's someone under the bed? Granted, you do look for someone or something, but do any of us parents really believe there could be something there? I'm freaking myself out, my favorite thing to do, so I shall go and watch the rest of this and hope the boy...

This weekend has been pretty much kick ass. 1. Sidney's party was fantastic. The hill getting there kicked my ass. I wondered if I would really make it a few times. I'm more than a little pissed at myself that Ben handled it a lot better and he smokes every day, while I pretty much only socially smoke. Shows how out of shape I am. I should climb Willamette hill every damn day, people. It's a great work out. Coming down was interesting. Made it, even with gravity working against me, but different parts of my legs are sore than are usually since I don't usually walk down an incline like that. 2. Today at work was busy, went quickly and Ruby invited me out for some beers after work. She's leaving for Equador and Chile tomorrow for a month. I'm going to miss her, but at least she's not "leaving" leaving. Just taking an extra long vacation. We lost a lot of people this year. =( Going out was awesome, everyone is always so nice and I got to talk to Jen q...

I've been inordinately pleased with my kid's report card. In true me fashion, I'm focusing on the good, which is that my kid rocks the math and reading tests. Better than average. Plus...well, he's rocking the algebraic problems and the decimals, and all I can think while looking at it is "screw those fractions!" Fractions are stupid, but Algebra is important. Don't ask me why I've had such a problem with fractions while decimals are completely normal to me, but somehow I've transferred it on to my child? Again, not something I'd consider genetic, so how the hell does this happen? He loves video games (I blame Jake), and Algebra. Which I blame me for. =) YAY ALGEBRA. One of the interns and myself were talking earlier today and he said..that's how I knew I was a dork. I found out that little fact about myself all over again daily. I'm a big dork. lol. Beyond my math dorkiness, I've done good things tonight. I wrote Juliette a letter....

So, I'm sitting here bored as hell. Is it obvious? Pretty much. I'd play some online game, but then I'll forget that I'm cooking. Then you can all read about me in the news when my house burns down. Yay. I've just finished my awful awards show. I only say awful cause most people would say so. I really loved it actually, but I'm pretty fond of awards shows. I'm sitting here listening to Fiona Apple, The Offspring, and No Doubt. Quite a mix. That's the lovely thing about my iPod. I can get 900 songs on it and it's all a crazy mix. I've been drinking a bit, if I can't type, that's why. I'm debating answering a message while I'm drunk and completely honest. What I tend to forget is that I should wear my diplomat hat. I really should. Anyhow. Ha. I think I'll avoid MySpace from here on out tonight. Who knows what I might say. =S

I'm so very excited, I should have known that people would pull through for me. I forget that tone isn't always obvious via internet, so my bulletin on MySpace probably came across as "poor me", which was not how I intended it. However, in the meantime (and hopefully not out of pity, lol!) people sent me messages saying they'd love to come to a birthday thing. So it looks like I'm gonna have a real party! Certain people I know are out, as they are going to be going to the Country Fair (mainly Jesse, which is sad, but unavoidable), but Jenn wants to come, Alma wants to come, I think I could coerce a few more people from work, and I got a tentative yes from Liz, so that's awesome. I think I could coerce Sidney too, she's pretty awesome about coming to my birthday parties. Plus, I'll have to convince Heather that she must come. Cause she HAS to. =) This is going to be kid-friendly, just so everyone knows. Not that that means it can't be fun, just...

My attitude is not much better, as you can see. I'm torn between being hateful and wanting to cry. So far, both days this week I've talked myself into coming in. I've not felt like it, especially after being screwed royally by my boss yesterday, but I'm here. I make myself come in; only to find that 3 people have called in sick. I don't want to do anything today. I'm so goddamn angry, I don't want to work on the damnable schedule that helps my anger, I don't want to even look at my boss, let alone point out certain truths to her, like how a certain someone calls in sick when she has late shifts. If only I'd thought of that, cause boy it sure seems to be working for her. I'm just vile today. Don't mind me. Once I get past Wednesday, I should be fine. Another thing that would have screwed me? That I would have done to myself? I could have not been able to get home on that Sunday that I volunteered to work for (originally for O/T, although NOW...

Life is a lot quieter without him around. I keep feeling like he's just asleep or something, and then Saturday night I realized that I could be as loud as I wanted at midnight, cause he really wasn't sleeping. It's weird. You'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm not quite there yet. So far so good, no phone calls about him losing his tooth piece or anything. Ben and I had an ok weekend. Would have been better if I wasn't totally broke, but that is just the way life works. Oh well. Some other weekend. We are actually going to Sidney's birthday party on Saturday, so that's something to look forward to. I'm not sure how far it is from the closest bus stop, but it should be an adventure none the less! And I'm promising myself that I won't make myself sick or stupid. My house is still really clean and I'm so appreciating it. We actually got the dishes done yesterday while they were still not bad, so it looks pretty awesome. Ben goes out Fri...

WOOT! I'm caught up! I rock. Probably for about ten seconds. Meh. ------------------------------------------------------- Monday, June 16th Title: Attitude I'm full of it today. I'm trying to realize that it's all in the way I take it, but I'm kind of pissed. Situation: My boss appeared the be throwing around over time. Something that would be fantastic right about now..no kid to be neglecting, extra money for my birthday, yada yada. So I volunteered to work the 6th of July. The next week the over time became, "oh you can have a three day weekend instead." =( I just screwed myself into working two weekends in July now. And I just worked two weekends a month for the past 3 months beside that. =( At least 2 of those months are because I volunteered myself for it. Am I stupid or what? Pretty much. I'm doing my best to remember that it's not all about the money. But dammit! I also volunteered to work the 4th, and while it's time and a half for the ...

I'm doing as many as I can while Ben is occupied with dinner. Maybe I'll catch up, maybe not. I didn't realize I was THIS far behind. =( -------------------------------------------------------- Monday, June 9th Title: Do you really expect anything less than randomness from me? At least this one will be quick and probably not make your head hurt. 1. I've bribed my kid. I told him if he can keep his tooth together for a YEAR, I will buy him a scooter. I'm not even kidding. If bribing will work, I'm all for it. Something has to make me less freaked out about this shit. Joking about it should help. 2. I just now felt a hair tickle my hand and I immediately thought, SPIDER! Except I was going to the bathroom and if spiders are coming out of my pants, I have much bigger problems then my kid's tooth falling off. 3. I just went looking for any old blogspot picture blog I made up having to do with the chest area, and sadly, I can not find it anywhere. You suck blogsp...

(Editor's note:I'm going to do these backwards, so that the newest are on top and the oldest are on the bottom. Just like if I'd really blogged them. At least I'm going to try to. So go down to the bottom first. Now I'm even confusing myself..perhaps I should put the oldest at the top? No fuck that, I already have it straight in my head the other way. Now that I'm done arguing with myself, scroll down, scroll down, fresh cup, fresh cup! /edit.) -------------------------------------------------------------- Tuesday, June 03 Title: Derek tried to "marry" Jake and I again It will not be long at all before we get the harder questions, for now he merely assumes that we MUST have been married to have a baby. I've told him more than once that I was not married to his dad, but it doesn't seem to stick. This last time, he may have merely been trying to get me to buy his dad's "Father's Day card". I guess it irks me a bit to have to spe...

I'm going to put in some posts to catch up. I'm not going to make a separate entry for each. I may do a weekly thing to get caught up. I'm sorry Ariel, I think you are probably the only person who really reads this anymore...well, and Jenn too, but Jenn also reads MySpace, so she keeps up between the two. Ariel - I post for you, ok? Just not right now. I must clock back in from lunch.