Random Thoughts

Or something like that. I got a LOT done this weekend. In between rounds of this new game that I love I've got 6100 points or so once. That's the best I've done. Bear with me here, cause this is going to get ramble-y. We did a TON of work on the yard. We have this plastic crap underneath the dirt that is supposed to help keep weeds down. HA! We let it go to long and not most of the has holes through it where the weeds came through. I always thought I wanted a yard, what I really wanted was a lawn. We got the grass down to manageable again. My gnomes will not be lost wanderers anymore! They can guard the rosebush with impunity. Until it grows again. I helped get the clippings in a bag, even though I'm playing Russian Roulette with my allergies. I WILL NOT TAKE THE MEDICINE UNTIL I HAVE TO. I got other things picked up, and I started pulling up the plastic crap. Over by a stump, in a little area where it was covered and not likely to have stepped on, was a garden snake. ...

Everyone reading this probably knows that I have very weird, and sometimes very bad dreams. People trying to kill me, aliens, people turning into lizards, and the end of the world have all played prominent parts of my dreams. Sometimes there is a bad guy and no one believes me. I also have an affinity for horror movies. Unfortunately, my love of horror tends to bleed over into dreams. I love them, and sometimes feel like I HAVE to watch one, almost like a "fix" for a junkie. I have a highly suggestible imagination. I read the Stand while pregnant and that's when I dreamed that Beavis and Butthead had eaten Cheetoes and turned into lizards. The end of the world was coming and I knew that, because the ants were dying on the sidewalk, and the ambulances were coming. Not just creepy, but really fucking strange dreams. A couple of weeks ago, I had a different kind of bad dream. No physical danger, just emotional. I'm not going to go into detail here, cause it's just t...

I was thinking about my Grandma recently. As you all know. So, I went on to MySpace and messaged my mom on April 11th to see if she has any pictures of Grandma. Anything I might be able to have to feel closer to her. My mom said that she had a conference to go to, but that she would look when she got back. Actually, what she said was, "Desi, Sure sweetie. I am really busy this weekend, going to Casper for a conference but I will do it as soon as I can. I love you and miss you big time! Mom" I wrote back on April 12th: "Thanks mom. I hope your conference goes (went?) well. I miss you all too. I looked into the Greyhound, but it would take me three days to get there. I don't know if I'm not looking at it right or what, but that just seems like so long. I don't think Derek would like being on the bus for 3 days, and then have to turn around and go back. =(" From Mom (on April 16th): "Desi, I will check into the bus for u too. It didn't take us that...

I have an appointment tomorrow. My regular, shot in the ass, birth control appointment. Hurray for birth control, really! But they are just not my favorite appointments. I go in, I wait for what feels like hours, then they WEIGH ME. Which is my least favorite part and they know it. They're always like...well, we don't have to weigh you and I'm like...no, it's better that I know how much I weigh occasionally. Last visit, I'd lost 5 lbs. This visit? I don't know. I'm kinda worried about it. I NEVER seem to notice when I'm gaining weight. My pants are always worn a little loose, and so they rarely end up being tight to give away my weight gain. I just never know until I am actually weighed. I haven't been drinking as much water as I should be. Today I came in and strapped on the feed bag, as Tara calls it. I ate a small bag of cheetoes, and then turned around and ate a whole grab bag of Munchos. I think I am addicted to them. I bought some Friday, and I...

I'm still being too angsty. I have a whole post waiting about how my own mother can't be bothered to send me some pictures of my Grandma. But I thought I should change things up, and really, I can be angsty whenever I want. I know that the subject matter here has been dark recently. The poison in my brain must come out somehow. And in all reality, no one really wants to hear about it in real life. I understand, it makes people uncomfortable. So I spew it here, and in real life, I suck it up and pretend that I'm normal. That nothing bad ever happened to me. And then people can choose to read it or not. You aren't subjected to me talking about it. Not that I NEVER talk about it in real life. I do, with certain people. People who I think can handle it. People who aren't just going to feel pity for me for the rest of my life. People who realize that it's all about choices. My life may have been hard at one point, but really? It's OVER NOW. My life is damn good n...

And I promise, I'm feeling better today. I've been angsty lately. I watched 3 CSI's and strangely enough, I feel good. Besides the headache that is keeping me home. And away from the computer after I post this. Cause it really got me thinking last night. Maybe that's why I have this headache. I overtaxed my brain. ---------------------- Everytime I spend any amount of time talking to certain people, I just want to blow my head off. I mean, why even try? Apparently, life is too hard. For example, the talker. Everything in her life is hard. These (not anyone reading this, I promise. You are all young, intelligent people who want the best for their kids and are doing your damnest to make it work.) people are older than me, and should be able to make life work, but every time I talk to them, I feel like it's just fucking hopeless. There is no point to anything. All that is gonna happen is that the man you had kids with isn't going to be with you in the end. They are...

"I don't know where this road is going to lead. All I know is where we've been, and what we've been through." I'm starting to get into my older CDs. All the ones from the 90's. With things like Boys II Men. Why are all my older songs so sad? Or angry as hell? Apparently, those were my only two emotions as a teenager. I wouldn't be a teenager again for any amount of money. I actually feel quite removed from all of it now, but it was like some alien took over my body. I liked too many boys. I was sure I LOVED them all. I was equally sure that life would end if they didn't like me. I was sure that anyone else was better. A better body, a better face. I slept with too many boys thinking it meant some emotion on their part, when it was usually just sex. I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I mean..well, I guess I always think about the past. More than others, maybe? I find myself endlessly fascinated with people, with their thoughts. ...

I dreamt about him last night. I didn't want to. We were hanging out, and I think it was a party. Maybe his birthday party? It did just go by. And everyone was there. His wife, Ben, a bunch of other people. I think he took some acid? I don't know, but for some reason he started to have a bad trip and he was freaking out. I am the consummate "mommy" for the frying people and so I KNEW that I had to make it better. Somehow I was the person who was going to make it ok, and no one else could. How stuck up am I in my dreams? I'm sure in real life, his wife would be the person who could make his whole world ok again. My idea was to hug him. I'd just keep hugging him until he felt better. And that wasn't a big deal. I hug lots of people and Ben is not (much of) a jealous type. Everything was going fine and he started to feel better. Then he kissed me. Not like a full on, tongue kiss, just a peck on the lips. I was surprised and pulled back. I told him that he sh...

I found out that this month is Child Abuse Prevention month. I'm wearing my blue ribbon as much as I remember. When I can't even remember to put on my name tag, I prolly won't remember this ribbon. It's a nice one though. Pretty and blue. Not one of those other icky colors that don't work for me. I like the pink breast cancer ones. Those are pretty too. Listen to me, acting like the wearing the ribbon is all about the color. It signifies something so much more. Different things to different people even. I'm not trying to trivialize it, only add my own special brand of daftness to the idea. I feel for anyone who has had to deal with Child abuse in any capacity. I'm sure it's completely heartbreaking to the people who want to help, but feel like they can't for some reason. Coming from a household full of all kinds of abuse, I wish someone had helped. I shouldn't even say that. One person DID try to help me, and I couldn't tell the truth. I coul...

Last month marked the 19th year since my Grandma died. I don't know exactly what day. I only know that we had the funeral and my little sister Angie was born the day after. So, sometime before March 23, 1988. I still remember her. I idolized her. With her over the top blue eye make up, with her mole in the middle of her back (I inherited that mole), and her permed hair. She always seemed so strong. I KNEW that she was taking care of everything even if my mom couldn't. Mom and I lived with her for a little while when I was younger. I don't necessarily remember living with her. I remember her little dog, Smoky. (I'll get you and your little dog too! hee hee) I remember how she extended her eye liner out to look like cat eyes. Any time I see some young person wearing their make up like that I think about my grandma. I remember how she always took baths. She didn't like the water on her face from the shower. Which seems strange to me now, seeing as how she always seemed...

It's been a shitty week. I know, it's only Wednesday. And then after thinking about it? It was a shitty week last week. Maybe it'll be a shitty month. How exciting. Something to look forward to. Let's see....my weekend went far too fast. Last week was the week work broke me. When I'd had enough. Monday? Monday, I woke up with a bruised rib. I think. It's the only explanation I can come up with, as I've never been to see the doctor about it. I hate my doctor. And I don't know that he could tell me if it was a bruised rib. I'm just making an educated guess. Since it only hurts to breath, it must be something inside. And since it only hurts to breath deeply, it must be a rib. This happens to me all the time. I don't know why. I never know when I do it. Only, all of the sudden it hurts. Maybe I contorted while sleeping? Maybe it was during sex, that's happened before. But I don't know why it wouldn't hurt all day and then hurt in the mor...

I HATE it when crap disappears from my desk. I have to work here, I need my white out. Why does all the white out disappear? Not just from my desk, but from everywhere. Are there little white out elves who come and steal all the white out? Are they hungry? Does white out taste good? (sorry guys, I have a weird imagination. This is the only way I make it through the day. Thinking of weird crap) I just bought that damn white out. And I can't even say for sure that it's not here. My desk is a disaster area, and while I've felt around, it could very well be hiding. Some things I hate: 1. My things missing. 2. Doing the schedule at work. 3. One ear hurting more than the other one when they were both pierced at the SAME time. 4. Hitting said earring and pushing the earring up, and hurting my ear. 5. Bruised ribs 6. That it's not Friday 7. That I haven't been able to see my Heather in forever, cause I missed her last text, and she is a busy girl. 8. Not seeing the new Aqua...

FYI: When you choose to act this way, with no provocation on my part, and VERY little warning, it doesn't make me notice you in a good way. It only makes me not want to feed you, in case you react this way to something that was previously FINE and didn't make you hurt. Also, what's with heartburn when I eat an apple fritter? They are my favorite and yet I can not eat them. I will have heartburn the WHOLE day and so I've completely given them up. Yet I eat half a beef jerky stick, and you completely rebel. No Love, Me. p.s. I hate the body getting old as much as you do, but when you act this way, it only makes me FEEL older. Screw you. >

I know! I've been too absent from the blogging lately. I mean to, but then something comes up. Not even anything terrible important. Like right now? I'm SUCKED INTO A GAME. It's Ben's fault really. He knows how competitive I am and he kept playing it until I wanted to as well. I don't play many games. I just don't have the time, honestly. Most games take too long, or aren't as much fun. I am a big fan of Popcap games and FreeCell. I can play FreeCell for hours. But this game ? It's awesome. I've only gotten to level 76, apparently the person who made it got to 90. Which is amazing. I'd like to know how he got there. I watched Ben so much that I've kinda cheated. I mean, I watched him and learned from trial and error. Yet, I keep playing it. For awhile, I couldn't get past 73, so getting to 76 last night was monumental. In other news, everything is good. I got in a bit of a grump on Wednesday. Then I realized that I should shut the hell up...

I'm taking one breath at a time now. Once I get into a really good funk, it's usually hard to shake it off. I was just reading something about how a young girl died from leukemia because of the bombing of Hiroshima. And here I am, whining cause I have it so hard. /sarcasm. Today I shall do my best to remember how lucky I really am. To have this job that I sometimes hate. That everyone I love is healthy and doing well. (mostly, I hope you feel better, Karina) That I'm healthy. That I am doing really damn well for where I've come from.

I hate everyone today. Apparently, Wednesday is the day when I lost it. Anyone start a poll to see when I finally lost my freaking mind after not having enough time off? If you guessed Wednesday, you win! What you win? I don't know. My subconscious threw that damn dream at me, and I am just fucking annoyed after all of that. I've been thinking about it all freaking morning. I'm almost at the end of this book that I am loving. I'm not sure if it's coloring my mood or not. It's so close to the end, and I'm rooting for these people, but all of the sudden, they are all divorced. NOT A SINGLE COUPLE MADE IT through the years. I'm totally pissed. I had such hope for at least one of the couples. I really don't want a book to be able to put me in such a bad mood. Perhaps it's flowing over from all my Grandma thoughts. I don't know why this has been such a bad year. Most of the time I don't even think of my Grandma. I guess most of the time I just...

Last week the temperature inside the bookstore was about 110. Not really. I'm exaggerating, as I am prone to do. But it was hot enough to make me stupid. I couldn't think at all. I definitely had "the dumb" going on. Most of last week. Today, I am tired, but at least it's my own fault. Kind of. I just haven't been sleeping well at all. This week so far, the temperature must be around 50 something. (again, I'm probably exaggerating, but I have GOOSEBUMPS) (OMGZ! You guys! Our coffee bar girl has a box on her desk of some product. The outside says that it's "Justin's Nut Butter". HAHAHAHA) I could die. I slammed my finger in the stapler. It hurts me now. I think I should have a bruise soon. Right under the fingernail. In the NEW stapler. It hasn't even lived on my desk for 2 full days, and I've already harmed myself. We got three new staplers on Friday and it was almost like Christmas. The big heavy duty one? Is teh awesome! (I cha...

My boss decided that I needed to work last Saturday, effectively giving me a one day weekend. And I'm working Sunday, ANOTHER one day weekend. In A ROW. I'm a little bitter. I asked her if it was because she hated me, but she says that's not it. It's just the way it worked out. I figured oh well, and let it go. Or at least told myself to let it go. I was doing nicely until I realized that I got Spring Break weekend because NO ONE was here, and I get EASTER because no one else wants to work it. I have a kid, and others don't, but I MUST come to work on Easter. I'm more than a little peeved. My kid JUST got home from Portland and I have to spend two weekends not having any extra time? Only time to catch up on laundry and other bullshit? So, the premise of my own self made reality show would be to see how long it takes before I lose it. It almost happened Tuesday which kind of makes me worried. I still have so long to go before I can be free for a good amount of ti...

Friday night was good. Sushis and hot tubs and porn stores. Oh my! We did have a moment where a guy tried to get us to give him a ride. Like we have a death wish or something. No thanks buddy, I don't care if you DO have rings. Although I'm kinda wondering what kind of rings he thought were awesome enough to have some strangers let you in their car. Perhaps he thought we were stupid? I got home around midnight. I had to work today, so I couldn't stay out as late as I'd have liked to. I know Karina was still up for something, but I just couldn't stay up later. Saturday Ariel picked me up from work. It was almost like old times. Almost. I waited out the day so that I could hang out and "party". Sadly, there was not any cake. (Jenn and Karina will get that reference) I was just so glad that she was spending the night. Like when I used to force ask her to come over all those times, years ago now. Okay, maybe NOT years ago, but close. Derek was so happy to see ...

I never really liked writing. I was never good at papers and all that bullshit. I guess what I should say is that I never liked writing when I had to have some reason behind it. Some sort of structure, like an essay or some other bullshit. I had to write two papers when I took Economics at LCC. I would not have taken Economics if I could have gotten out of it. The guy teaching it would tell us to read the chapter and then in class, for his lecture, he'd read the chapter to us. I know that repetition is good for the memory, but I'm only going to fall asleep if you just read me the same thing that I read last night. Change it up a little, seriously. So, this guy teaching it was boring, but not only that. One day he was trying to get the class to talk and I know he was only trying to draw us out, but he was like...so, why don't we just get rid of welfare and food stamps? I KNOW that logically there was some explanation and he wasn't trying to be down on people like me, but...