Random Thoughts

Why was this even happening?   I didn’t want to be dating this asshole. Somehow we’d gotten here. I thought I was badass. I could handle anything. I’d been abused for so many years. I was free finally from all that and what did I do? Find an asshole to ruin my life. It wasn’t smart. I wasn’t smart.  There had been moments. Great bits even.    Things that had thrilled me. His bed had cuffs for wrists. A sense of letting go. Being restrained. But there had been more moments where everything was awful. Moments where he’d pushed me to do things I didn’t want to. Moments where he put me down or acted disappointed by something I did.  So. I’d strayed. I’m not sure now but I feel like I did this so it’d take the choice out of my hand. If I cheated and he caught me, it’d have to be over, right? I hadn’t even really tried to be in a relationship. He’d tricked me with my dumb pride. But now it was clear I was screwed.  He’d taken me hiking and promised me a present a...

  I spent time on campus. I don’t even remember how but suddenly I knew this guy. He seemed nice enough. Memories are like gossamer threads so I don’t even know how I met him. Now I feel like I was an easy target but I only know that somehow he ended up telling me he had a crush on me. He said this and I couldn’t believe it.   It’s bugging me that I can’t remember how I met him. I remember meeting doorbell Chris the first time. But that’s a different story. That’s why I’m writing this all down. It likely won’t matter but maybe someday after I’m gone, someone will read my stories and laugh or cry or feel things at all. I’m already lost of some memories, meanwhile, I can remember the lyrics to hundreds, maybe thousands of songs but can’t remember how I met this guy.  I was on campus. It was a space to spend time and I had tons of it. I’d spend my days sleeping if I had to catch up, but mostly waiting for the nightlife. My friends. The people who entertained and accepted me....

 As I listen to the neighbors yelling today...I wonder if it's them yelling at their kids? They do have a toddler so...they are frustrating. But about a week ago, it was very quiet in my house and after the door slammed YET AGAIN, I heard very clearly "Well fuck you!" so I'm guessing they also fight.  Now I'm just sad for their children. Remembering all the nights the drunken fighting got out of control and the cops were called on them.. wondering where I'd go since my step grandma made no secret of her disdain for me and that I wasn't part of their family. Not her blood. I didn't believe my dad would take me in and I didn't want to be separated from my sisters. I felt protective of them and how could I do that if I wasn't with them?  I hear stories of people saying CSD (child services division? Child protective services now?) or whatever it's called now was called on them and they suddenly are in such trouble and might have their kids take...