Who Am I?
So, I am a dumbass....really.
In light of my asking the boy to cut my arms off, and the wierd, fucked up dreams I have, you'd think that I would pick some light, fluffy, fictional book to get into.
But no, the other day at lunch, I didn't bring my fictional MURDER mystery book with me, so I looked in our books down there and ended up with a non-fictional MURDER book. The Susan Smith story. I like MURDER stories....why?, I don't know why. Maybe because my mother loved them and I read them when she was done, but with my over-active imagination you would think that I wouldn't like these books, along with Stephen King....(again, I am a DUMBASS!)
I've only got into the very beginning, but already they have quotes from people saying, "wow, we never knew, she loved those kids, blah, blah, fuckity blah." Umm, hello, she killed those kids and lied about it.
Which just leads me to the real point of this whole post and that is that you don't ever really know other people. This is the scariest shit EVER. I don't like feeling like I don't really know if this person or that one will harm my child. Even the boyfriend will sometimes cause me to think....MMMM, what? Do I really know you?
Ok, after 4 years, I am better and I like to think that I know my friends as well.
But part of me is always like......Did anyone know what was going on in your house growing up? Besides your Mom's tweaker friends who prolly didn't give a fuck. I have hope, because some people saw it and tried to help, but most people were always like.....Oh, your mom is great and your stepfather is so nice and blah, blah, blah. Little did they know.
Now I don't want to bitch about my mom anymore, cause she has seriously got her SHIT together from what I hear (and my mom not on drugs and being normal, can be a WONDERFUL person), but I HATED living in that house. Fighting constantly with me in the middle of it. Herding the children into another room, in the hopes that they wouldn't realize. (yeah, right) Worrying about my mother being gone even for the night. Worrying about clean clothes, cause all their money went to drugs. We had 6 people in a 2 bedroom apartment forever. Couldn't afford more rent, even with Mike being a mechanic.
Through it all, they both had friends and she would always sound so NICE to them, and so mean to me. Some of it was teenage angst, I am sure, but some of it wasn't. And I couldn't help but feel that those people meant more to her than I did. Especially when she would talk to me that way.
I try each and every day to have more patience with the child and talk to him in a nice voice, instead of a condescending one. I worry each day that I don't succeed and maybe he will feel the same one day.
And Ang, if you are reading this, I hope you don't feel like I am on a rampage against Mom, even if that is what this seems like. It was only kind of an example of not knowing people, that got outta hand like usual with me.
In light of my asking the boy to cut my arms off, and the wierd, fucked up dreams I have, you'd think that I would pick some light, fluffy, fictional book to get into.
But no, the other day at lunch, I didn't bring my fictional MURDER mystery book with me, so I looked in our books down there and ended up with a non-fictional MURDER book. The Susan Smith story. I like MURDER stories....why?, I don't know why. Maybe because my mother loved them and I read them when she was done, but with my over-active imagination you would think that I wouldn't like these books, along with Stephen King....(again, I am a DUMBASS!)
I've only got into the very beginning, but already they have quotes from people saying, "wow, we never knew, she loved those kids, blah, blah, fuckity blah." Umm, hello, she killed those kids and lied about it.
Which just leads me to the real point of this whole post and that is that you don't ever really know other people. This is the scariest shit EVER. I don't like feeling like I don't really know if this person or that one will harm my child. Even the boyfriend will sometimes cause me to think....MMMM, what? Do I really know you?
Ok, after 4 years, I am better and I like to think that I know my friends as well.
But part of me is always like......Did anyone know what was going on in your house growing up? Besides your Mom's tweaker friends who prolly didn't give a fuck. I have hope, because some people saw it and tried to help, but most people were always like.....Oh, your mom is great and your stepfather is so nice and blah, blah, blah. Little did they know.
Now I don't want to bitch about my mom anymore, cause she has seriously got her SHIT together from what I hear (and my mom not on drugs and being normal, can be a WONDERFUL person), but I HATED living in that house. Fighting constantly with me in the middle of it. Herding the children into another room, in the hopes that they wouldn't realize. (yeah, right) Worrying about my mother being gone even for the night. Worrying about clean clothes, cause all their money went to drugs. We had 6 people in a 2 bedroom apartment forever. Couldn't afford more rent, even with Mike being a mechanic.
Through it all, they both had friends and she would always sound so NICE to them, and so mean to me. Some of it was teenage angst, I am sure, but some of it wasn't. And I couldn't help but feel that those people meant more to her than I did. Especially when she would talk to me that way.
I try each and every day to have more patience with the child and talk to him in a nice voice, instead of a condescending one. I worry each day that I don't succeed and maybe he will feel the same one day.
And Ang, if you are reading this, I hope you don't feel like I am on a rampage against Mom, even if that is what this seems like. It was only kind of an example of not knowing people, that got outta hand like usual with me.
Comments
I am sorry to hear you have had your life touched by a person who is/was addicted as well. Mine was an extremely close friend, I can't imagine how much harder it must of been to have it be a parent being the one who is sick with addiction. So many people don't realize it really does become a sickness for an addict.That must of been very hard for you and made you a strong person.
My weight loss was pretty slow over the course of a year, about 70 pounds total. I started slow, the first thing I did was only allow myself to drink water at home and stop any and all fast food. I only let myself have soda as a special treat for going out.
Then I began doing pilates and slowly over the course of time kept altering my diet adding lots of soy for protien and low calorie salads and such with about 5 or 6 bottles of water a day and vitamins.
It took awhile but it made a big differance. Its one of those things thats so personal since what works for some people wont work for others. I can give you some small bits of advice if you would like but I am not trying to sound preachy. I am only saying this because you asked on my site, please dont take offense.
Much luck to you and best to you and yours.