Self-conscious much?
I can't STAND IT when people stare at me. It makes me uncomfortable and mean. I want to yell at them..."WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"
Even poor Ben when he is just looking at me.
But I'm getting better, at least about people looking at me when I know them. I mean...eye contact is good for communication, I know that.
But when people stare at me and I don't know them, I just want to scream.
Lately, the bus that picks me up is so packed that I stand at the front when I get on. This standing makes people stare at me, I guess. I don't know.
I don't know why.
All I know is last week, I got on the bus and this chick, sitting across from where I was standing...with her BAG getting a seat next to her..granted, she was a fat chick, as am I. Which means I would more than likely have not sat next to her. I don't like touching people I don't know. It makes me feel squicky.
She starts STARING at me..and it's the worst stare of all, it's just this blank stare...so now I feel like...wow, honey, you are fat and stupid...someone doesn't like you huh?
Cause I am mean when I feel self-conscious.
And I keep thinking...WHY IS SHE STARING at me? I'm fat, so is she.
From here on, it just gets worse and I just get meaner. Stop reading now if you would like to hold on to your thoughts that I am a nice person.
......
.....
......
Then I start staring back at her, I have my sunglasses, so it's not like she can even tell. And I realize that she looks really young..her voice is not, but she has a baby face. And her face is small...it looks almost swallowed by the fat around it. And then when she starts talking to someone else, I notice that she has one tooth in the front. And she starts bitching about the bus.
NOTHING pisses me off more than when people bitch about the bus, ON the bus.
I got meaner, in my head anyway.
Then I started thinking...wow, you're not even pretty. Like most fat girls..I can at least see something that I admire. Either they are really pretty, or they have fancy clothes on..Clothes that I long for.
But the ones who just stare stupidly?
I can't find anything good about them. She wasn't pretty. She didn't have a good smile.
By the time I got off the bus I was thinking..ok, so maybe she was thinner than I. It's hard to tell when she is crammed into a shirt 2 sizes too small.
But..why did she have to stare? I so wanted to say..sure I'm fat, but at least I am pretty.
I'm so mean some days that I am just glad that I can't spout out everything that comes to mind.
Even poor Ben when he is just looking at me.
But I'm getting better, at least about people looking at me when I know them. I mean...eye contact is good for communication, I know that.
But when people stare at me and I don't know them, I just want to scream.
Lately, the bus that picks me up is so packed that I stand at the front when I get on. This standing makes people stare at me, I guess. I don't know.
I don't know why.
All I know is last week, I got on the bus and this chick, sitting across from where I was standing...with her BAG getting a seat next to her..granted, she was a fat chick, as am I. Which means I would more than likely have not sat next to her. I don't like touching people I don't know. It makes me feel squicky.
She starts STARING at me..and it's the worst stare of all, it's just this blank stare...so now I feel like...wow, honey, you are fat and stupid...someone doesn't like you huh?
Cause I am mean when I feel self-conscious.
And I keep thinking...WHY IS SHE STARING at me? I'm fat, so is she.
From here on, it just gets worse and I just get meaner. Stop reading now if you would like to hold on to your thoughts that I am a nice person.
......
.....
......
Then I start staring back at her, I have my sunglasses, so it's not like she can even tell. And I realize that she looks really young..her voice is not, but she has a baby face. And her face is small...it looks almost swallowed by the fat around it. And then when she starts talking to someone else, I notice that she has one tooth in the front. And she starts bitching about the bus.
NOTHING pisses me off more than when people bitch about the bus, ON the bus.
I got meaner, in my head anyway.
Then I started thinking...wow, you're not even pretty. Like most fat girls..I can at least see something that I admire. Either they are really pretty, or they have fancy clothes on..Clothes that I long for.
But the ones who just stare stupidly?
I can't find anything good about them. She wasn't pretty. She didn't have a good smile.
By the time I got off the bus I was thinking..ok, so maybe she was thinner than I. It's hard to tell when she is crammed into a shirt 2 sizes too small.
But..why did she have to stare? I so wanted to say..sure I'm fat, but at least I am pretty.
I'm so mean some days that I am just glad that I can't spout out everything that comes to mind.
Comments
Gross.
Doesn't the state pay for dental emergencies ? Or did they cut that out with the OHP?
I totally do the same thing. There are so many things, horrible nasty things that go through my mind sometimes, that I refrain from saying because they are just plain mean. It's so hard to hold my tongue some days.
On top of it all, she was bright pink, like a lobster. So..I guess skin cancer isn't among her worries either. =S
Ariel - Yep. I hear you. Damn the mean thoughts. I want to be the kind of person who NEVER has a mean thing to say about anyone.
Of course then I wouldn't have any content for this here blog.
And I would probably be a pretty boring person. Too nice, maybe.