Remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you?

I've been tossing around this post in my head since late Saturday night/Sunday morning.
Just writing and editing in my head, but no matter how long I edit it and come up with a good way of saying what I am trying to say, it never comes out exactly how I want it to. I'll think of something and then just be like....that's good. That's a GREAT way to put it, but then I don't write it down and it becomes "gone with the wind".
Saturday night I realized that I had really pushed all these memories away about Paul. In true me fashion, I had pushed the bad memories away, and was remembering the good ones. What I remember of it all is mostly how we were friends, and not how we were when we were involved. We weren't involved for more than a month all together and we were friends for a couple years before that. And I realized that I kept pushing these memories away in the hopes that I wouldn't glorify our relationship and start feeling things I shouldn't.
But even if I don't remember the EXACT way I felt when I learned that he'd left town without telling me, both times, I DO remember that HE DID THAT. Even after promising not to do it again, he still did. And we weren't really very good together anyhow. As in most cases, once you get the things you want, sometimes they are just not all they are cracked up to be.
So, I came to this realization Saturday night and I just stopped pushing everything out. And it wasn't awful to remember these things. We did share a lot while we lived together. We were the two who were home the most. We had good conversations, but mostly...not always...at one point he didn't know that I had a crush. He took a calculated guess and then my blushing gave it all away.
(See, these are the things that run through my head sometimes.)
Not necessarily bad memories.
So...after all this introspection about how it didn't really matter if I remembered this stuff, Jesse brought him up. Just in passing.
The next morning, I asked him to clarify. He said that Paul and his family needed to move..I'm not sure if he said they were kicked out or what.
This often happens in Paul's life. He said something about them not having a place to stay..I'm sure he'll figure something out, he always does.
And I just felt bad...cause they have kids. Both younger than Derek.
But that is EXACTLY my point...the whole point of this long-winded post.
I often bent over backward for him. I wanted to help him so much, that were we close friends right now, I would perhaps have them stay with me. Even with putting my housing at risk. Even knowing that having two families in one house is stupid. It usually ends with people being butt hurt.
Me most of all.
So..perhaps, perhaps...fate is working correctly. Perhaps, I should not be friends with him right now.
I need stable people who I don't have to rescue. I can't spend my time rescuing others at the cost of letting myself be lost. So...really...as with most things in life, I fall back on fate. I have a hard time believing in any sort of god who lets little kids be molested and hurt...but I can believe in fate. Fate makes me feel better.
Now..don't get me wrong, I don't want them to be homeless, I am only trying to make myself feel better that we aren't necessarily "friends" right now.
And I am very happy that I can justify it somehow. Cause stupid boys piss me off.
I want to get something that says..Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.
Cause some boys ARE stupid. =)
But anyhow...this was my epiphany over the weekend. This put me in the BEST MOOD! It just fed into how awesome everything was and how good my life is right now.

Even with the "adult" child in my house.
This morning on the way to school, he met up with some friends and they actually bitched about the weather the whole walk...all about how the weather man SAID it would be this, and it wasn't.
I couldn't BELIEVE it. =) T'was funny.