Confused

I'm confused today.
I'm not sure what I want.
See, I have a REALLY hard time expressing when people have hurt my "feelers", as Tara would put it. (Trying to inject humor, really)
And maybe some of you would disagree. Maybe I managed to get something across to you that I didn't realize.
And I HOPE it doesn't come out wrong. But, too often, I think it backfires.
See...I hold it all in, I don't let anyone know there's a problem, and then when I do, it explodes. And BECAUSE I CAN NOT get my feelings out, I assume that others feel the same. All too often, I wonder..did I make someone mad? Is that why they aren't talking to me?
Maybe they don't have anything to say, maybe they are just tired. But I am all too often CONVINCED that I've done something.
And admitting the hurt when I've felt wronged? It's like impossible for me.
It's like painting a HUGE target on my heart and saying...see, right here is where you can hit for the maximum pain.
Now I know that I pick friends better than that. But it's almost a reflex at this point.
My mother would often hurt me. Very often. And now that I am away from the situation? It's all to easy to make excuses. Like...maybe she meant this this way, or maybe..
Well...crap. Most likely, she didn't MEAN to hurt me, but didn't know what else to do?
It's all too easy to live someone else's life.
And making it about her not knowing any better? That's just worse, cause my life would have been so much better if she was just smarter?
But, during the situation, I was CONVINCED that she was purposely seeking out ways in which to hurt me. Mainly emotionally.
Maybe she was trying to prepare me for the harsh world? :S
I mean, how else could she be SO GOOD at it?
And these thoughts just make me feel stupid. Like I should just forget it all. But seeing as how my own mother did not care about my feelings, why should anyone else, right?

Instead I go FAR TO THE LEFT, like always. I just NEVER say when something is bothering me. Until I get in front of the computer, and then I type away. But even then, I'm sure I make a LOT of vague posts. Not anything that actually tells a person how I feel about them.
I'm a lame person, I can't even communicate my needs beyond the "false security" of the internet, as some people would call it.
But when it gets to the point that I've let it all build up? I cry, loudly. Full on blubbering crying.
And if I can't do that. If I think that nothing I say will make a difference (which I often think), I just cut my losses. I disappear. I figure that maybe those friends weren't worth working on.
And it's cost me people. Too many people. People I am STILL trying to reconnect with, via My Space.(smirk)
We ALL know how well that is working.
Which just goes to re-inforce that nothing I say will make a difference. I'm not to the point of cutting them off. Not quite yet.
And I know that it's pretty extreme to think that people have so little to do, and so much time on their hands, that they are trying to make me feel bad.
I realize this. Most people are just living their own lives, with nary a thought to how it effects me, positively, or negatively.
I'm not having a very good day today. Obviously.
But I am done crying about it.
This is my vague post for the week, it has nothing to do with you, Karina. =)I swear.