I've been waiting in vain.

Someone once told me that they loved my eyes and would wait, just staring at
me, to see if I would look at them.

It makes me a little sick now, thinking about it. Cause that's a
really good compliment and it wasn't Ben. Which just means it was
someone who I no longer am with. And the reminiscing is just
bittersweet.

(Like Strawberry wine, seventeen, a hot July moon saw everything. My
first taste of love, was bittersweet, and green on the vine.)
Sorry, had to break into song in my head there.
(perhaps I feel sick because of the LARGE amounts of water I've been
drinking...more on that later.)

But I had a dream last night. A dream that him (the guy who gave me
this compliment) and his wife came to my store to see me..and I got
along well with her. Which amazed me a little. But I don't know why it
should. She is a Cancer like me and just from the few times I've met
her, I think we would have a lot in common.
Not that I will ever know.
Today I did something stupid..
What's new?
But...in my trying to be a better person and getting the way I feel
across, I wonder if perhaps it feels like I am lashing out when I do
manage to get my emotionally stunted words out.

So...instead, I took my dream as a sign. A sign that perhaps I should
try and be friends with him, and through him, with her. I don't know
her well, so I thought...this way...maybe I could.
And from what I hear, she is awesome.
But the only contact I have with him, and her, is MySpace. And he
ignores me a lot.
Which should be my first clue. He prolly only friended me to have one
more person on his list. I have 28...I take it very seriously and most
of them are people I truly know. Besides one.
So..I sent him a message. I realized today that he'd deleted my last
comment to him...he seems to do that a lot. He deleted quite a few and
all of mine have been deleted.
It got to the point, where I'd go leave him a message and then go back
and delete it. Just so he wouldn't know.

I took a while and made sure that it all made sense and that none of
it was too emotionally driven.
And...more than likely, it's futile.
I DO NOT KNOW WHY I CAN'T LET THIS GO.
Even while part of me is screaming..this is bad idea. It doesn't
matter, I keep moving towards it.
Even though it bothers me DAILY, I can't just get rid of it.
I'd like to cut it out of my brain and be done with it..but it's just
not that easy.
I'd like to forget he ever existed sometimes.
But again, it's not that easy.

I'd like to snap my fingers and instantly not care.
I guess I shall just pretend I don't care.
I do that often and well.
If he would just say..hey, you suck, that would be fine.
But he says nothing.
Perhaps, I should just "friend" his Wife?
And say to hell with him?