Bad stories that people might not want to read.....
Well Ben and Ariel are determined to let me do this stuff while they play the games and I don't know what to type anymore.
So, I am thinking maybe this is the time to lay it out. Right now when I can't worry for the next week what people think.
Just thinking about doing it is making me shaky. And making me worry that I will get emotional.
Anyhow, not much else to share right now, so here it is.
I don't know when it started. I know that I always knew about sex. I made off color remarks and seemed to know things other children did not.
My mother came home one day to find me (4 or 5) in the bath with my step father.
She freaked the hell out, quite rightly.
I didn't know any better, I do remember the fighting that went on after that.
Years later, she starts telling me about how I need to make sure I am fully dressed all the time (hello puberty) when walking around my own house.
I still didn't realize what she meant.
After that, he found ways to spend time with me. I was happy to be appreciated by someone and have someone pay attention to me.
A little too much attention.
He would let me watch bad movies in their room when she was gone and would encourage me to "help myself".
It never led to sex.
The worst was once he rubbed against me in a fairly gross way.
It was always....
Your mother is crazy...(she was)
And She doesn't understand me...and all that happy bullshit.
I started being a bitch when I knew she would be gone, just so he would be pissed at me and leave me alone. It worked, but then he would tell her how bad I was and I would get in trouble.
I didn't tell her....why? I didn't think she would believe it, and I didn't want to be the one who put her "meal ticket" in jail. I honestly didn't know how she would've survived.
One night my mom was drunk and called me a slut and said basically something about how I prolly liked it.
Yeah. She did know, but she was found of pretending not to.
On my good days, I think she called me that because she wanted to shock me into saying something.
When I was 15, cops showed up at the house, looking for me....I had no idea, and my mom just assumed that I had done something wrong. No, they wanted to question me about it. They wanted to know and said something about an aunt in Colorado who had tipped them off.
My mom hates her to this day.
My biggest guilt? I lied, I said no way, he never did that. I should've. I shouldv'e said something. I might have saved someone else. I hope to god he never touched my sisters....they are his "real" children and hopefully he has more ethics than that.
I can't believe I just wrote that he might have ethics.
Every time I think of him, I hope to god that he never touched anyone else.
My little sister (3 years younger, who never lived with us) was taken away because they said he touched her. I don't know if he did, maybe he did.
I've lived with this for years, I tell boyfriends, just in case I have a bad reaction.
I've read books, many, thank god.
My other biggest guilt?
I enjoyed the touching. I've read a book that said that that is ok, and that it happens, because sexual touching is pleasurable and it makes it worse for people like me. People like me who worry that maybe I was just finding a way to get back at my mom.
Can you tell I still don't quite "get it" that it wasn't my fault and that he was the adult and therefore the guilty party?
This is one of the main reasons I live with guilt most of my life.
So, there it is. That's my biggest, darkest secret.
It's out there on the internet.
Another secret? I would kill him if I could. Sure thing I would. I hope this doesn't scar my little sis for life. I don't know if she is even reading anymore. I kinda hope she isn't.
There you have it..I hope none of your avoid me. It's not something I dwell on and talk about all the time. It's not proper conversation and I prefer not to think about it. It feels nice to have shared it with one and all.
Hope you guys don't think I am a complete freak, just a little bit of one.
*weak grin*
So, I am thinking maybe this is the time to lay it out. Right now when I can't worry for the next week what people think.
Just thinking about doing it is making me shaky. And making me worry that I will get emotional.
Anyhow, not much else to share right now, so here it is.
I don't know when it started. I know that I always knew about sex. I made off color remarks and seemed to know things other children did not.
My mother came home one day to find me (4 or 5) in the bath with my step father.
She freaked the hell out, quite rightly.
I didn't know any better, I do remember the fighting that went on after that.
Years later, she starts telling me about how I need to make sure I am fully dressed all the time (hello puberty) when walking around my own house.
I still didn't realize what she meant.
After that, he found ways to spend time with me. I was happy to be appreciated by someone and have someone pay attention to me.
A little too much attention.
He would let me watch bad movies in their room when she was gone and would encourage me to "help myself".
It never led to sex.
The worst was once he rubbed against me in a fairly gross way.
It was always....
Your mother is crazy...(she was)
And She doesn't understand me...and all that happy bullshit.
I started being a bitch when I knew she would be gone, just so he would be pissed at me and leave me alone. It worked, but then he would tell her how bad I was and I would get in trouble.
I didn't tell her....why? I didn't think she would believe it, and I didn't want to be the one who put her "meal ticket" in jail. I honestly didn't know how she would've survived.
One night my mom was drunk and called me a slut and said basically something about how I prolly liked it.
Yeah. She did know, but she was found of pretending not to.
On my good days, I think she called me that because she wanted to shock me into saying something.
When I was 15, cops showed up at the house, looking for me....I had no idea, and my mom just assumed that I had done something wrong. No, they wanted to question me about it. They wanted to know and said something about an aunt in Colorado who had tipped them off.
My mom hates her to this day.
My biggest guilt? I lied, I said no way, he never did that. I should've. I shouldv'e said something. I might have saved someone else. I hope to god he never touched my sisters....they are his "real" children and hopefully he has more ethics than that.
I can't believe I just wrote that he might have ethics.
Every time I think of him, I hope to god that he never touched anyone else.
My little sister (3 years younger, who never lived with us) was taken away because they said he touched her. I don't know if he did, maybe he did.
I've lived with this for years, I tell boyfriends, just in case I have a bad reaction.
I've read books, many, thank god.
My other biggest guilt?
I enjoyed the touching. I've read a book that said that that is ok, and that it happens, because sexual touching is pleasurable and it makes it worse for people like me. People like me who worry that maybe I was just finding a way to get back at my mom.
Can you tell I still don't quite "get it" that it wasn't my fault and that he was the adult and therefore the guilty party?
This is one of the main reasons I live with guilt most of my life.
So, there it is. That's my biggest, darkest secret.
It's out there on the internet.
Another secret? I would kill him if I could. Sure thing I would. I hope this doesn't scar my little sis for life. I don't know if she is even reading anymore. I kinda hope she isn't.
There you have it..I hope none of your avoid me. It's not something I dwell on and talk about all the time. It's not proper conversation and I prefer not to think about it. It feels nice to have shared it with one and all.
Hope you guys don't think I am a complete freak, just a little bit of one.
*weak grin*
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