Worry and Guilt, my favorite pasttimes.
Why did I stay here for 11 hours today? Because I need to pay the rent. My boyfriend is prolly annoyed that he had to get up and would like me to be home seeing him. As would my son, I am sure. I would like to see them more. Well, I would like to see the kid more when I am not around him. *grin*
Just kidding.
So, I end up feeling bad, which we all already know is my specialty. If I’m not feeling guilty, then I am gonna be worrying instead. Some happy life, really.
But sitting here today after the innocent comment from Ben asking if I was getting off early today, I started thinking that I don’t think either of them really get how important all this is. A few hours can make the difference in being able to pay the rent, especially since it just went up. Derek really has no idea. Ben, I’m sure being an adult, has some concept of it. But I don’t think people really “get it” until they’ve had to worry about paying the bills. Rent and everything.
And I am kinda pissed that some people never have to worry about that kinda thing. I know, I should just be happy with what I have, but when does it all just stop for a little while? I just want some time when I don’t have to worry how this bill is getting paid, or feel guilty because I am spending money or time on myself.
Unfortunately, I can see myself feeling guilty about going out this Saturday, we have a 20 dollar limit, but even that to me now that I don’t have the tax returns anymore, could buy something else.
Like the peanut butter I forgot to buy, or the razors (fucking expensive) that Ben needs so that he will quit shaving with the old one. Or even the account at work that I could be dwindling down since I spent so damn much, cause I am dumb. Why does this all go through my head each time I want to do something and why does everything have to cost money?
I used to be homeless and I still found ways to have fun, maybe my tastes have actually matured….hey, don’t laugh!
So, if I let my worry and guilt get the best of me, my dumb ass will back outta doing anything fun, but I am trying not to let that happen, ok?
To end this up, all you people who have to worry about the bills, I understand, and I feel for you.
Just kidding.
So, I end up feeling bad, which we all already know is my specialty. If I’m not feeling guilty, then I am gonna be worrying instead. Some happy life, really.
But sitting here today after the innocent comment from Ben asking if I was getting off early today, I started thinking that I don’t think either of them really get how important all this is. A few hours can make the difference in being able to pay the rent, especially since it just went up. Derek really has no idea. Ben, I’m sure being an adult, has some concept of it. But I don’t think people really “get it” until they’ve had to worry about paying the bills. Rent and everything.
And I am kinda pissed that some people never have to worry about that kinda thing. I know, I should just be happy with what I have, but when does it all just stop for a little while? I just want some time when I don’t have to worry how this bill is getting paid, or feel guilty because I am spending money or time on myself.
Unfortunately, I can see myself feeling guilty about going out this Saturday, we have a 20 dollar limit, but even that to me now that I don’t have the tax returns anymore, could buy something else.
Like the peanut butter I forgot to buy, or the razors (fucking expensive) that Ben needs so that he will quit shaving with the old one. Or even the account at work that I could be dwindling down since I spent so damn much, cause I am dumb. Why does this all go through my head each time I want to do something and why does everything have to cost money?
I used to be homeless and I still found ways to have fun, maybe my tastes have actually matured….hey, don’t laugh!
So, if I let my worry and guilt get the best of me, my dumb ass will back outta doing anything fun, but I am trying not to let that happen, ok?
To end this up, all you people who have to worry about the bills, I understand, and I feel for you.
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