What is it in us? That makes us feel the need, to keep pretending. Gotta let ourselves be.
I listened to Christina on Friday.
It made me cry. It often does. If I can make it through all the rest of the CD, when I get to I'm Ok, I just lose it.
When she whispers...and I'm ok.
She doesn't sound ok. She sounds like she is only trying to convince herself.
I'm OK - lyrics.
Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never knew just where to turn for shelter from the storm
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Every time my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling, I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon
Chorus:
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday
And I'm okay
I often wonder why I've carried all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please, no more"
Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done?
For you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on
Chorus repeats
It's not so easy to forget
All the marks you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And everyday afraid to come home,
In fear of what I might see there
Chorus Repeats
Mm
I'm okay
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lyric for the title is from another song on the same CD. A more uplifting one, but that line always makes me think...why do we pretend?
But I know why.
Cause I am too afraid to let people know how MESSED UP I TRULY FEEL.
Cause I feel like TOO much work for people.
I have so many bad qualities and to have insecurity be at the top? Well, it all just trickles down from there.
I could sit here and make a list of the bad things I think about myself, but I will just be pissed for the rest of the day about how I tore myself down.
So I won't.
But I DO KNOW WHY I PRETEND...and why I do it more and more.
To hide the sensitivity.
To pretend that I am ok.
To pretend that no one can really hurt me.
Only I can hurt me.
To pretend I am NORMAL.
Cause I don't feel normal. I only feel scared and useless and not really someone who is worthwhile, too much of the time. I do it to myself. Other people are not that mean, but my brain just endlessly circles problems and issues until they are MY FAULT.
As evidence, all I have are the times I've asked someone to come and hang out with me, and they won't. Or the millions (it feels like millions sometimes) of boyfriends who've dumped me.
(No, I'm not talking about YOU! Any of you, though I did get assed out twice in two weeks cause I didn't get home early enough and then Ben didn't relay the message fast enough. =( But that isn't you guys' fault. You tried...I guess I'm just sad that I got screwed cause of work. There really isn't anything I can do to change how late I work.)
I'm talking about other people. I've tried a BILLION times to get Heather over. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong...I mean..maybe she feels like she is always doing the work by coming out to my house.
Maybe she just doesn't like my kid.
Jesse has been even harder to track down, and he's become the most likely to come over since Ariel left me. But he is involved with someone. It's a double edged sword. I want him to be happy, but I want to hang out too. And since he is involved, he won't be coming over for awhile.
I have a hard time getting away from my kid, being gone at work as much as I am, so I like to do things at my house, but other people have the same problem with their kids...and so we clash.
So, it simmers until I finally think...well, maybe if I throw a party...and then that backfires and people don't come. Some people do, but most don't.
It just makes me sad. Especially with how much I'm worrying lately, it would be nice to blow it off, but I don't have the cash to invite someone somewhere, and they don't want to come over and just listen to me.
Maybe my house is too dirty? And that's another example of me being too much work, somehow. At least that's how I'll turn it around in my head.
I mean....I hang out at other people's houses for hours, just for the hell of it, but I can hardly ever get people to come to my house.
Other people will come over, but only want to leave again, and that brings me back to not being there with my kid. =(
It's a no-win situation. I want to have fun, but I don't necessarily want to leave my kid.
Jenn and Ariel were the last..and again that brings me back to Ariel..I mean..thank god for Ben. He seems to not mind my "work", and Ariel is the same. I know I can be me and even just cry on her shoulder for no reason and she won't just leave. Or get uncomfortable.
But she moved.
And obviously, I am still sad about it.
Not that that does much good. Being sad doesn't make her come back.
If I had a million dollars, I could pay for a big mansion and live with her and Aaron...on the beach.
Ok, so that's not realistic..but I might be willing to pay for her to come down after I get taxes. If I paid gas and expenses, would you come and stay with me for the weekend Ariel?
I think I might need a WHOLE weekend. Then I can live without the visiting for awhile again.
I'll just stock up and "save" it.
Or is this whole pity party too much and now you won't come visit?
It made me cry. It often does. If I can make it through all the rest of the CD, when I get to I'm Ok, I just lose it.
When she whispers...and I'm ok.
She doesn't sound ok. She sounds like she is only trying to convince herself.
I'm OK - lyrics.
Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never knew just where to turn for shelter from the storm
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Every time my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling, I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon
Chorus:
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday
And I'm okay
I often wonder why I've carried all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please, no more"
Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done?
For you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on
Chorus repeats
It's not so easy to forget
All the marks you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And everyday afraid to come home,
In fear of what I might see there
Chorus Repeats
Mm
I'm okay
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lyric for the title is from another song on the same CD. A more uplifting one, but that line always makes me think...why do we pretend?
But I know why.
Cause I am too afraid to let people know how MESSED UP I TRULY FEEL.
Cause I feel like TOO much work for people.
I have so many bad qualities and to have insecurity be at the top? Well, it all just trickles down from there.
I could sit here and make a list of the bad things I think about myself, but I will just be pissed for the rest of the day about how I tore myself down.
So I won't.
But I DO KNOW WHY I PRETEND...and why I do it more and more.
To hide the sensitivity.
To pretend that I am ok.
To pretend that no one can really hurt me.
Only I can hurt me.
To pretend I am NORMAL.
Cause I don't feel normal. I only feel scared and useless and not really someone who is worthwhile, too much of the time. I do it to myself. Other people are not that mean, but my brain just endlessly circles problems and issues until they are MY FAULT.
As evidence, all I have are the times I've asked someone to come and hang out with me, and they won't. Or the millions (it feels like millions sometimes) of boyfriends who've dumped me.
(No, I'm not talking about YOU! Any of you, though I did get assed out twice in two weeks cause I didn't get home early enough and then Ben didn't relay the message fast enough. =( But that isn't you guys' fault. You tried...I guess I'm just sad that I got screwed cause of work. There really isn't anything I can do to change how late I work.)
I'm talking about other people. I've tried a BILLION times to get Heather over. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong...I mean..maybe she feels like she is always doing the work by coming out to my house.
Maybe she just doesn't like my kid.
Jesse has been even harder to track down, and he's become the most likely to come over since Ariel left me. But he is involved with someone. It's a double edged sword. I want him to be happy, but I want to hang out too. And since he is involved, he won't be coming over for awhile.
I have a hard time getting away from my kid, being gone at work as much as I am, so I like to do things at my house, but other people have the same problem with their kids...and so we clash.
So, it simmers until I finally think...well, maybe if I throw a party...and then that backfires and people don't come. Some people do, but most don't.
It just makes me sad. Especially with how much I'm worrying lately, it would be nice to blow it off, but I don't have the cash to invite someone somewhere, and they don't want to come over and just listen to me.
Maybe my house is too dirty? And that's another example of me being too much work, somehow. At least that's how I'll turn it around in my head.
I mean....I hang out at other people's houses for hours, just for the hell of it, but I can hardly ever get people to come to my house.
Other people will come over, but only want to leave again, and that brings me back to not being there with my kid. =(
It's a no-win situation. I want to have fun, but I don't necessarily want to leave my kid.
Jenn and Ariel were the last..and again that brings me back to Ariel..I mean..thank god for Ben. He seems to not mind my "work", and Ariel is the same. I know I can be me and even just cry on her shoulder for no reason and she won't just leave. Or get uncomfortable.
But she moved.
And obviously, I am still sad about it.
Not that that does much good. Being sad doesn't make her come back.
If I had a million dollars, I could pay for a big mansion and live with her and Aaron...on the beach.
Ok, so that's not realistic..but I might be willing to pay for her to come down after I get taxes. If I paid gas and expenses, would you come and stay with me for the weekend Ariel?
I think I might need a WHOLE weekend. Then I can live without the visiting for awhile again.
I'll just stock up and "save" it.
Or is this whole pity party too much and now you won't come visit?
Comments
I don't mind your pity parties either, so long as I'm invited.
When is it my turn tho? when do I get to throw a pity party?
:P
That's the wonderfulness of pity parties, you don't need permission.
And I started figuring out that EVERYBODY is like this and has days like this. Everybody.
I figured out that I'm NOT broken, I am NOT damaged goods, I am not "pitiful," "inept," or "socially retarded." I. AM. NOT.
Getting away from a particular "friend" who helped me to feel this way really helped, but also reading and talking to people about their lives and watching their social interactions has been amazing.
Going out with people, I can see how they're feeling *exactly* how I am. And now it seems a bit silly to feel so insecure in a situation when the other person is as well.
Like oh- you're worried about how YOU are too! Well shit! I'm not so imperfect and you're not as perfect as I thought you were, maybe we can just be people!
It's been nice. And like it or not, Matthew telling me how self-absorbed some of my insecurities were finally sank in. It helped me to start looking outside myself rather than looking at ALL the world through the Karina-filter.
Which may or may not be helpful to you, but feels good for ME to say :)
Which is just a little self centered. I mean..I'm sure other people hide the same shit.
They just do a better job of it.
I want to drop MySpace so badly, or at least drop these people who don't write, call, or even message.
But it's not gonna solve the problem. If I am really messed up and they know it and that's why they won't hang out?
Well...I don't know why knowing that would make a difference. I just keep feeling like some day...they'll just be like..OMG! I MISS YOU.
Even though most likely, I am only a number to make more "friends". To make themselves feel better.
That sounded bitter.
Otherwise? I don't know. I always think....well, I'll make plans to go do this with so and so, and I just choose the wrong people, cause then the plans always fall through.
I'd just do everything with you, but I think you'd get sick of me, and I don't think you want to go watch scary movies with me, or anything.
I need to make more of an effort with you and Jenn, cause you are about the only two people I see with any amount of regularity. =)
I just need to....I don't know...be around people so that the things in my head don't get me?