The dark thoughts.

So.
I finished my "Pretty Little Dirty" book last weeked. While a lot of it was about their friendship and the way things change, and the way they always came back to each other...
Well...quite a bit was about the way she was dealing with her mother as well. Her mother, who was too depressed to move, too depressed to be a mother.
Just another case of a mother abandoning her child. Even while living in the same house.

Not that I'm blaming the mother in the book. This was a time when people didn't understand psychological issues easily. She really just doesn't like her mother. She most likely, feels abandoned, and "punishes" her mother for it.

Just as I did. Just as I still do, at least in my head sometimes.
These thoughts are what put me down in the dark last week. I started off the week, already upset, and ready to be upset about anything else.
I didn't REALIZE how much of an effect the book had on me. How much it affected my emotions.

Most of the time lately, I just try and be thankful that my mother is not here. I try and think of it in terms of....well, things are certainly less dramatic, things are easier. I should just be happy that I don't have to deal with my crazy family, right?
I tell myself that I only miss my sisters.

I lie.
Even though my mother and I didn't necessarily get along, we had moments. She was my female to look up to in times of questioning, during puberty and things. Girl things.
We had definitely close moments. I am too willing to share for us not to be close, at points anyhow.

But, in all honesty, she was hardly there. She would only wait until I got home to watch the kids and then leave. To go...bike riding, or down to play Keno, or ANYWHERE away from us.
When she was there, much of the time she would be sleeping. Sleeping after not sleeping for days. She would sleep naked on the couch, and I would make sure to check before I invited people over. She embarassed me, unfortunately.
She wasn't there, even when she was there.

I don't remember playing games, I don't remember doing much of anything together. When we did have times together and we were talking, invariably the conversation would swing around to my father and what a bastard he was. At the time, I'd just get really uncomfortable. I know, now, how hard it is to be the less revered parent. I KNOW that the grass is always greener and Derek might appreciate his dad more, since he doesn't live there. That was my attitude. I LOVED the IDEA of my father. The one who was normal, who would be there for me.
HAHAHAHA. He wasn't there for me any more than she was.

I'm doing my damndest to be there for Derek.
My mom moving to Wyoming, was like the ultimate abandonment. At the time, I was just....relieved. Now I didn't have to feel like I needed to spend time with her, just to see my sisters.
I've been so angry at her. I still am.

But, YEARS later, I just get sadder and sadder. Cause I miss the close moments. I miss being able to rely, at least a little on her.
Although...maybe I'm making that up. I don't really think I ever felt like I could rely or depend on her.

My sister and I have been talking back and forth and I'm sure I've mentioned this here before, but she's abandoning them as well. Even my littlest sister. The one who is a miracle. The one who is alive after being born so premature. After having surgeries, she is as normal as my family gets. My sister says she and Mary Ann are really close. I can see that. Micheal and I would have been I stayed at home, or if I was still anywhere in their lives. I basically raised him. And I'm sure Misty practically raised Mary Ann. Cause my mom won't raise her own kids. She has no time for children.
Now I AM only reading between the lines, but it FEELS right. =(

One of the messages I got from her, said this.
"I know what you mean about mom. I still feel now like she's just so unhappy with the way her life turned out that she just takes it out on everyone. Even right now, its really sad to me. She spends more time at the bar than anywhere. I hate it, because when I try to talk to her about Ted and work and the problems I'm having, she always says that she'll help out and she'll watch kylie for me sometimes so that I can be with my friends... which is really what I think I sort of need right now... but I've asked her to watch kylie 5 times now... and every night she already has plans to go to the bar... karaoke night, quarter beer night, so and so's birthday party... its just really stupid. And now that me and Angie are both moved out... Mary Ann is left there with no one. And I really feel bad for her, because mom sticks her home with Michael and his friends all the time while she goes out and when we fight about it, she says that she has a right to have a life... and I was like, your kids are your life... I don't think mom has cooked a meal since my dad moved out. Mary Ann lives off of hot dogs and lunchmeat... and michael usually goes to his friends' houses to eat or else he eats out."

Later, we were talking about them coming to visit, and I got this.
"I'm trying my hardest to convince mom that we should go down there. She is on salary pay and she could get the time off to do it... she just says she can't afford it, which really isn't true because she gets the same amount of money whether she goes to work or not. She doesn't give me much credit, I am smarter than I seem. lol. I even told her that I would buy our tickets for the bus if she would take like 10 days off. Who knows if she will though. I know she misses you guys, she does the same thing about going to Denver. There aren't many chances left to see grandpa before he's going to be gone and so I figure she would take all the chances she could, but she doesn't. I know I would."

How the hell am I supposed to be ok with my own mother not caring enough to come visit?

On top of everything else, I feel guilty. Guilty for leaving those girls there. Guilty that I couldn't take them with me. Guilt that I can't do more. Guilt that I can't protect them and they have to protect themselves.

I abandoned them, really.
Which doesn't make me feel any better.

I messaged my sister the other day and went on and on about how I hoped she realized that I HAD to leave them. I had to get out. It was either that or truly go crazy. Like...maybe even just having enough and killing my step father. That wouldn't have been any better.
But I'm still just as guilty of abandoning them as she was of doing the same.

I don't know if I wanted her to make me feel better. To absolve me? I chickened out and deleted the message, after I'd sent it...somehow..well, I've sent someone on MySpace a message before and then deleted it before they read it, so I just thought...that maybe they wouldn't get the message? They never responded so I assumed that that was the way it worked. Apparently, even putting my heart on my sleeve to that particular person had no effect.

So I thought I'd just delete it and it would be miraculously gone and I wouldn't have to know what she thought. My sister is gracious..I don't know why I expected her to be anything but. Maybe I thought she'd be like...well, now that you mention it?
I don't know what I thought. I only thought that maybe it was too much, and too emotional and MAYBE I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID ANYTHING. I should take up smoking again, then I could take a break and not send shit until I think about it.

Anyhow, she responded.
I had mentioned how close her and Angie are, and how I was a little jealous. I KNEW they would be close, with only a year and half between them.
"Me and Angie are really close. Actually, we are all really close. I have a lot of people comment to me about how awesome they think it is that we're all so close. And how I take Michael and Mary clothes shopping and stuff.. and Angie and I share an apartment. I think in a way it is pretty cool, but its mostly because growing up with mom and dad, we were basically all each other had. We didn't really have friends in Oregon.. and you know how it was with mom and my dad, they really weren't all there. Now we have our own friends and stuff, but we still are pretty close."

Later,
"I understand why you left home, and honestly there were several times when I got a little older that I wanted to also... but I lived in a smaller town so it was a lot harder to just disappear. I don't think any of us has ever been upset with you for leaving, because we pretty much all understood why. Actually, when Angie was like a sophomore, I think, she had to write a paper about hero's and hers was about you. Because you moved out, had a baby... went back to school, and then went on to college and had good grades and now have a good job and stuff. It was kind of cool. I actually think mom still has the paper somewhere. I wish we could all still be together too, and I hope that we can all come out and visit you. Mom said that at tax time its a very good possibility, because everyone will be off for spring break, etc... so we might be able to come out for like a week or something."

Of course, I hear that every year. Maybe they'll visit. =S
Coming from Misty, I have more hope.

Perhaps I'm just stupid and will never learn. Perhaps I'll get my hopes up again, and nothing will happen.

I don't know, but the whole thing had me in quite a funk. The last message helped a hell of a lot.
She doesn't blame me.
And it's SO much of a relief to talk with someone who KNOWS how our mom is.
Who KNOWS how our family life was.
I'm so glad I've found my sisters. And found the one who can deal with my emotional-ness. I'm a little surprised that she fights with mom. Something I could hardly bring myself to do. Sure, over stupid crap, but never over anything important.