Passive Agressive
A while back, Karina and I were talking and she said that she thinks that blogging is kinda passive aggressive.
I wasn't ready to acknowledge that. I couldn't allow it to become something "bad", which is the way I view passive aggressive-ness.
I've since come to terms with it.
It really is passive aggressive. Some days more than others. And it's not ALWAYS passive aggressive. I couldn't admit it was at the time cause I NEEDED blogging to still be something "good".
I could justify it if it was "good".
If it became something bad, how could I blog?
If that makes sense.
I've thought about it quite a bit since that talk.
It might be passive aggressive, but that is about the only kind of aggressive I can actually let out.
Anger has NEVER felt "safe".
Anger filled my house while I grew up, my mom was angry, my step father was angry, I was angry as hell, but I couldn't (or didn't) say anything.
I don't know if it's because I am "sensitive" or what, but I can be as pissed as I want in silence. The minute I actually try to say something to someone about it, I end up crying. Which just makes me feel disgusted. Cause...dammit. If I'm angry I should be angry, not crying. I don't know why I do it. I don't know if it is a physical outlet since I have such a hard time "outletting" emotionally or what.
All I know is the only thing it has ever been good for is when my cousin got in trouble for making me cry, after I tackled him as hard as I could playing football. He tried to get in my face and I tried to get back in his face and instead I ended up crying.
He got in more trouble cause I was crying. He prolly hates me to this day and thinks I did it on purpose.
Which is what I am really afraid of. People thinking I am crying on "purpose". To get my way.
Or else they just think I am hysterical (because I'm crying, instead of being angry) and I DO NOT need to perpetuate the female stereotype of being "hysterical".
To this end, I've never really ARGUED about anything that is important to me. Maybe when I have a few drinks in me, and that usually ends with me crying and feeling pathetic.
This had a VERY adverse effect on my relationship with Jake. He NEEDED someone to argue with.
I, instead, would run scared to the bedroom and hide.
Anger means someone is going to be hit.
(I don't think I realized this until I wrote it, just now)
Anger isn't something I can show easily. Just now, sitting here, I figured I'd do a google search. Most of the links I clicked on said the same thing.
What's really sad is how many it found and how quickly.
Results 1 - 10 of about 502,000 for inability to express anger and childhood sexual abuse. (0.31 seconds)
.31 seconds. Good lord. I mean...I don't know. I knew there had to be some connection, but wow.
Or this fun one.
Results 1 - 10 of about 594,000 for inability to express anger and domestic violence. (0.17 seconds)
And just a search for Inability to express Anger comes up with millions of hits.
Results 1 - 10 of about 2,520,000 for inability to express anger. (0.33 seconds)
Apparently, a LOT of people do it. And all I'm coming up with for "fixing it", cause we ALL KNOW I'M A "FIXER", is to do "inner child" healing work.
Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist, but that sounds like complete bullshit to me. I never did understand the "inner child" crap.
I guess the only point I was really getting at, was at least I can get out my anger this way. Even if I can't just tell someone in real life....
Even something like...hey, you piss me off.
Or that pisses me off. Not when it is directed at people. It's one thing if some ass who I don't know is making an ass of himself, then I can tell someone else...damn, that PISSES me off.
I guess I've figured out the why, now if only I can get more towards telling people in person when I am angry.
(Even typing this out, I wanted to type upset more than angry. Good lord. It's bad.)
I wasn't ready to acknowledge that. I couldn't allow it to become something "bad", which is the way I view passive aggressive-ness.
I've since come to terms with it.
It really is passive aggressive. Some days more than others. And it's not ALWAYS passive aggressive. I couldn't admit it was at the time cause I NEEDED blogging to still be something "good".
I could justify it if it was "good".
If it became something bad, how could I blog?
If that makes sense.
I've thought about it quite a bit since that talk.
It might be passive aggressive, but that is about the only kind of aggressive I can actually let out.
Anger has NEVER felt "safe".
Anger filled my house while I grew up, my mom was angry, my step father was angry, I was angry as hell, but I couldn't (or didn't) say anything.
I don't know if it's because I am "sensitive" or what, but I can be as pissed as I want in silence. The minute I actually try to say something to someone about it, I end up crying. Which just makes me feel disgusted. Cause...dammit. If I'm angry I should be angry, not crying. I don't know why I do it. I don't know if it is a physical outlet since I have such a hard time "outletting" emotionally or what.
All I know is the only thing it has ever been good for is when my cousin got in trouble for making me cry, after I tackled him as hard as I could playing football. He tried to get in my face and I tried to get back in his face and instead I ended up crying.
He got in more trouble cause I was crying. He prolly hates me to this day and thinks I did it on purpose.
Which is what I am really afraid of. People thinking I am crying on "purpose". To get my way.
Or else they just think I am hysterical (because I'm crying, instead of being angry) and I DO NOT need to perpetuate the female stereotype of being "hysterical".
To this end, I've never really ARGUED about anything that is important to me. Maybe when I have a few drinks in me, and that usually ends with me crying and feeling pathetic.
This had a VERY adverse effect on my relationship with Jake. He NEEDED someone to argue with.
I, instead, would run scared to the bedroom and hide.
Anger means someone is going to be hit.
(I don't think I realized this until I wrote it, just now)
Anger isn't something I can show easily. Just now, sitting here, I figured I'd do a google search. Most of the links I clicked on said the same thing.
What's really sad is how many it found and how quickly.
Results 1 - 10 of about 502,000 for inability to express anger and childhood sexual abuse. (0.31 seconds)
.31 seconds. Good lord. I mean...I don't know. I knew there had to be some connection, but wow.
Or this fun one.
Results 1 - 10 of about 594,000 for inability to express anger and domestic violence. (0.17 seconds)
And just a search for Inability to express Anger comes up with millions of hits.
Results 1 - 10 of about 2,520,000 for inability to express anger. (0.33 seconds)
Apparently, a LOT of people do it. And all I'm coming up with for "fixing it", cause we ALL KNOW I'M A "FIXER", is to do "inner child" healing work.
Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist, but that sounds like complete bullshit to me. I never did understand the "inner child" crap.
I guess the only point I was really getting at, was at least I can get out my anger this way. Even if I can't just tell someone in real life....
Even something like...hey, you piss me off.
Or that pisses me off. Not when it is directed at people. It's one thing if some ass who I don't know is making an ass of himself, then I can tell someone else...damn, that PISSES me off.
I guess I've figured out the why, now if only I can get more towards telling people in person when I am angry.
(Even typing this out, I wanted to type upset more than angry. Good lord. It's bad.)
Comments
and learning it's okay to actually have feelings.
i mean, just because you're angry doesn't make you your mom or your stepdad, it doesn't make you violent or bad.
I use upset for most of those feelings. Funny, I also use it to describe when my stomach hurts.
While it doesn't make me violent, I can't help but worry that getting angry and voicing my opinion about it makes people not want to be around me. I've had it happen before...or at least that's all I can make from it. I never asked those people why the don't talk to me..well, I have, but they don't talk to me. And I can't help but feel that it's partly about me getting a backbone and stating my feelings.
I could be wrong. But it FEELS right. =(
Screw the inner child thing, work with the inner you. Tell someone you trust about this and ask them to help you retrain yourself to express your anger. Tell them to try to piss you off, then when you get angry, let it out... and see that letting the anger out doesn't always mean people get hit. Sometimes it just means that you get along better because you've told people that they are pissing you off, and they realize that they need to stop the behavior in order to get along. Just retrain yourself that way to not expect pain from expression of your feelings.
It's worth a try, but I feel embarassed to ask someone that and I don't know that I'd feel comfortable while doing it. I might just retreat. Which is what I usually do.