Sad
I'm being sad today. It would seem that the blogging craze is dying down. =( No one seems to be blogging as much, or even reading them as much.
Karina urges me to join LJ, she says you get more comments.
Which is awesome. Unfortunately, it also sounds like you get more people being critical. I get enough of that. People who get offended if you're too posty, or if your post is too long? Or if you don't know how to put it behind a cut...which I don't.
I get plenty of criticism, I don't need extra from the internet.
I went and looked at my Nohair window and Jay, mr. troll himself, went ahead and answered that one. Not the Johari. He only knows me well enough to point out my bad qualities, nothing good. *smirk*
He said I was humourless? (That's the way the damn window spelled it, I'd spell it humor, but whatever)
Which is fine. He must not "get" my humor. I thought I was pretty funny, sometimes unintentionally.
Regardless of what he thinks, he is terribly fascinated by me. I see his IP the most. This makes me sad. I want people who like me to read me, not people who are assholes. He'll spend hours here, reading shit. Why? I don't know. He's stopped making comments mostly, though he does like to drop one here and there. If they are funny enough, I leave them. Otherwise, he gets deleted. Especially since he likes to attribute the mean comments to people I actually talk about. I'm not stupid, I know he just puts any old name he likes in the name section. I KNOW that people I know aren't leaving mean comments like that.
I've looked into banning his IP, but I can't find anything on the web that gives me any sort of information that is helpful. Only on blocking your own IP so people can't track you.
I could disable anonymous comments, but as I said...he doesn't comment. Just reads. I don't like that he pays enough attention to drop random comments that relate to posts farther back, whenever he likes. It kinda signals "STALKER" to me. Luckily, he lives in Missouri...but still. It's a little freaky that someone who professes to hate me spends so much time reading about my life....
He's even jumped over to the MySpace.
Most of this is just coming out off the top of my head. I am merely dancing around the subject that is so near and dear to my heart, as it is to most of yours I'm sure.
I screwed myself with the money again. Big surprise I know. It didn't help to start out in the hole this month, but I hadn't expected to screw myself so thoroughly. It will work out, I know it will. It always does, but first I must FREAK OUT. Always.
Jake's child support check is not here. I wrote a very nice letter explaining my point of view and why this is just not ok with me. Common sense, you'd think. Still, it was a VERY to the point letter with the minimum of feeling behind it. Tara (work) read it over and said she liked it and that I need to say these things. She's right, I do need to say them. He needs to hear them. I suggested that perhaps I could send a "bill" if that's what it takes. I don't like worrying every month. =(
It's some way of trying to "fix" it, like usual. But this problem should be easily fixable. It all comes down to him, unfortunately.
I just don't get it. I don't even need reminders for bills. I know how much money I owe people. Always. It's a blessing and a curse.
I'm way more behind this month than last month. I refrained, in the letter, from saying how we'd been trying to eat healthier in part to his catty comments. But I did spend way too much. At the time, it was like...well. We NEED food and this stuff is healthier, and there are more snacks, like string cheese, that are healthier than the "junk" I usually have.
I mean...what was I supposed to do? Sit there and nit pick it down? Making everyone wait behind me while I got rid of 60 or 70 dollars? Granted, some of the items were just expensive. Like razors. They are kind of expensive. =( That's what we get for liking the better razors.
I should prolly not have went to the bakery afterwards, but Karina was excited and I must admit, I REALLY wanted to try the Éclairs that Ariel said were "to die for". It was a fun trip. And it gets old, never having any money. So I just tried not to think about it. It's only later that I kick myself.
Again, it WILL work out. Things always do. I just had to grouse. I had fun at the fair, but at the same time, I worried the whole time about how much money I was hemorrhaging. Cause it really flied out of my hands. Ben was surprised by how much we'd spent. I kept telling him...well, that's another 8 dollars and this and that...and do you need a whole funnel cake? He wanted one, Derek wanted part, so yeah, we got two.
He understands when I actually tell him that I have no money left, but I hate dimming the excitement. Or even dimming the feeling of...well, I can just go down to the store and get this. Cause we are middle class. We're so NOT, but whatever. Perhaps he will cut back on the cigarettes, seeing as how he knows how behind I am. I told him...look, you smoke. You NEED cigarettes, than you should get them.
In the long run, paying for cigarettes is a HELL of a lot cheaper than paying a babysitter.
Plus, we'll need more meat at some point for the stir fry. So...I'll be even shorter. But...
Shit. I don't know. Like I said, I'll make it work. I just won't have any extra cash for awhile. So, as much as it pains me to say this, people should not invite me out to anything that requires cash anytime soon. It gets real old to be the one who doesn't have any money, or the one who is always worrying about how much she is spending.
Worrying while you are trying to have fun is just counter-productive.
It's times like these when I am SO tempted to jack up the amount I have Jake pay me for Derek. I could get away with a lot more than I am getting. But I don't want to screw Jake. I mentioned as much in my letter. If the STATE were going for the money, they'd take a lot more...I told him that wasn't a threat, merely me trying to make him understand that asking for a hundred bucks is not really a lot.
I'm just frustrated. I spend too much money cause I get to the point where I just want to have some fun...but then I live the rest of the month in perpetual worry.
Money doesn't make the world go round, right? It only makes things more comfortable.
I've spent the past few days wondering where I could possible cut a cost. The cable isn't necessary, I suppose. Though I wouldn't save much by going down to basic. And there just isn't anything else I can cut. I've already relegated myself to not doing anything fun for who knows how many weekends.
At least anything fun requiring money. I should instead just go out walking somewhere. I like quite a few places in Eugene, but then I have to pay for Derek to ride the bus. =( I was thinking about hiking up Skinner's butte, so that I could take some pictures, but again, I'd have to pay for Derek to get out there.
I'm still feeling guilty about the fair. We could've done so much more, he could've gone on more rides, we could've bought random crap if only I was a better provider for him. That's what really stings. Feeling like I'm doing the best I can and it's nowhere near "good enough" or "fun enough".
I hear about how when he visits his dad, he can do this or that. And they go here and there and I just don't understand how they have enough money for all that.
I guess it's pretty simple. My college degree did shit for me, while he went out and got a manual labor job that is making him a ton of money....somehow it doesn't seem fair.
Of course, I don't know the whole story. Perhaps they save money better...perhaps her parents give them money....they do have two incomes as far as I know..
But...if we had two incomes, then I'd have to pay for day care. =(
Sometimes I just think..if only. If only I could not sleep...then I could work at night too. And I wouldn't miss Derek cause he'd be asleep anyhow.
It's just a lot to shoulder. Which I'm sure all you adults know.
Funny enough, I never seemed to worry this much about money when I had none. I suppose it helped that Section 8 paid all the rent. I never had to worry about it being late.
I'm sorry, I'm just stressed and trying to get it all out. I do feel better, having "analyzed" myself and talked it out.
Cause when it comes down to it, all that is gonna happen is only what I can do. I can only do what I can do. Me..one person.
I'll make it work. Hopefully, I'll be caught up in time for Derek's birthday when I will fall behind again, in a vain attempt to make his day "fun". Which means hemorrhaging cash. Anything FUN to him is something that costs money.
I'm raising a materialistic little kid. And I'm not sure how to stop. I'm a little materialistic, but I know you can have fun without money. Or with a little money.
You know..not having enough money to do laundry and picking through all your clothes in an attempt to find the least dirty, smelliest thing will make you REALLY appreciative of money. But I can't do that to Derek. I can't just stop providing in an attempt to make him more appreciative. =(
At least I am a better provider than my parents were. Derek has his own room..while we put 4 kids in one bedroom with ONE bed. 7 people in a two bedroom. =(
Dinner bought nightly, and mostly it was hamburger helper. I still loathe that stuff.
I hardly ever buy it, except in a pinch. And then I eat the bare minimum I can.
I'm bitter, I know. It just seemed like they had money for beer, or money for coke (not the kind in a can), but not enough to get laundry done? I mean..some people who were poor can at least say their parents did all they could. My parents did not.
(Look at that, I've managed to turn around my sadness and guilt into being pissed at my parents. I'm not even sure how that happened, but again, my own emotions are trying to save me. Trying to justify my stupidity in spending money I don't have. At least I'm BETTER than them...blah, blah, blah.)
Again, I'm rambling and this has become like three posts. But at least no one can say I'm not posting enough. This should take a good long time to read.
Karina urges me to join LJ, she says you get more comments.
Which is awesome. Unfortunately, it also sounds like you get more people being critical. I get enough of that. People who get offended if you're too posty, or if your post is too long? Or if you don't know how to put it behind a cut...which I don't.
I get plenty of criticism, I don't need extra from the internet.
I went and looked at my Nohair window and Jay, mr. troll himself, went ahead and answered that one. Not the Johari. He only knows me well enough to point out my bad qualities, nothing good. *smirk*
He said I was humourless? (That's the way the damn window spelled it, I'd spell it humor, but whatever)
Which is fine. He must not "get" my humor. I thought I was pretty funny, sometimes unintentionally.
Regardless of what he thinks, he is terribly fascinated by me. I see his IP the most. This makes me sad. I want people who like me to read me, not people who are assholes. He'll spend hours here, reading shit. Why? I don't know. He's stopped making comments mostly, though he does like to drop one here and there. If they are funny enough, I leave them. Otherwise, he gets deleted. Especially since he likes to attribute the mean comments to people I actually talk about. I'm not stupid, I know he just puts any old name he likes in the name section. I KNOW that people I know aren't leaving mean comments like that.
I've looked into banning his IP, but I can't find anything on the web that gives me any sort of information that is helpful. Only on blocking your own IP so people can't track you.
I could disable anonymous comments, but as I said...he doesn't comment. Just reads. I don't like that he pays enough attention to drop random comments that relate to posts farther back, whenever he likes. It kinda signals "STALKER" to me. Luckily, he lives in Missouri...but still. It's a little freaky that someone who professes to hate me spends so much time reading about my life....
He's even jumped over to the MySpace.
Most of this is just coming out off the top of my head. I am merely dancing around the subject that is so near and dear to my heart, as it is to most of yours I'm sure.
I screwed myself with the money again. Big surprise I know. It didn't help to start out in the hole this month, but I hadn't expected to screw myself so thoroughly. It will work out, I know it will. It always does, but first I must FREAK OUT. Always.
Jake's child support check is not here. I wrote a very nice letter explaining my point of view and why this is just not ok with me. Common sense, you'd think. Still, it was a VERY to the point letter with the minimum of feeling behind it. Tara (work) read it over and said she liked it and that I need to say these things. She's right, I do need to say them. He needs to hear them. I suggested that perhaps I could send a "bill" if that's what it takes. I don't like worrying every month. =(
It's some way of trying to "fix" it, like usual. But this problem should be easily fixable. It all comes down to him, unfortunately.
I just don't get it. I don't even need reminders for bills. I know how much money I owe people. Always. It's a blessing and a curse.
I'm way more behind this month than last month. I refrained, in the letter, from saying how we'd been trying to eat healthier in part to his catty comments. But I did spend way too much. At the time, it was like...well. We NEED food and this stuff is healthier, and there are more snacks, like string cheese, that are healthier than the "junk" I usually have.
I mean...what was I supposed to do? Sit there and nit pick it down? Making everyone wait behind me while I got rid of 60 or 70 dollars? Granted, some of the items were just expensive. Like razors. They are kind of expensive. =( That's what we get for liking the better razors.
I should prolly not have went to the bakery afterwards, but Karina was excited and I must admit, I REALLY wanted to try the Éclairs that Ariel said were "to die for". It was a fun trip. And it gets old, never having any money. So I just tried not to think about it. It's only later that I kick myself.
Again, it WILL work out. Things always do. I just had to grouse. I had fun at the fair, but at the same time, I worried the whole time about how much money I was hemorrhaging. Cause it really flied out of my hands. Ben was surprised by how much we'd spent. I kept telling him...well, that's another 8 dollars and this and that...and do you need a whole funnel cake? He wanted one, Derek wanted part, so yeah, we got two.
He understands when I actually tell him that I have no money left, but I hate dimming the excitement. Or even dimming the feeling of...well, I can just go down to the store and get this. Cause we are middle class. We're so NOT, but whatever. Perhaps he will cut back on the cigarettes, seeing as how he knows how behind I am. I told him...look, you smoke. You NEED cigarettes, than you should get them.
In the long run, paying for cigarettes is a HELL of a lot cheaper than paying a babysitter.
Plus, we'll need more meat at some point for the stir fry. So...I'll be even shorter. But...
Shit. I don't know. Like I said, I'll make it work. I just won't have any extra cash for awhile. So, as much as it pains me to say this, people should not invite me out to anything that requires cash anytime soon. It gets real old to be the one who doesn't have any money, or the one who is always worrying about how much she is spending.
Worrying while you are trying to have fun is just counter-productive.
It's times like these when I am SO tempted to jack up the amount I have Jake pay me for Derek. I could get away with a lot more than I am getting. But I don't want to screw Jake. I mentioned as much in my letter. If the STATE were going for the money, they'd take a lot more...I told him that wasn't a threat, merely me trying to make him understand that asking for a hundred bucks is not really a lot.
I'm just frustrated. I spend too much money cause I get to the point where I just want to have some fun...but then I live the rest of the month in perpetual worry.
Money doesn't make the world go round, right? It only makes things more comfortable.
I've spent the past few days wondering where I could possible cut a cost. The cable isn't necessary, I suppose. Though I wouldn't save much by going down to basic. And there just isn't anything else I can cut. I've already relegated myself to not doing anything fun for who knows how many weekends.
At least anything fun requiring money. I should instead just go out walking somewhere. I like quite a few places in Eugene, but then I have to pay for Derek to ride the bus. =( I was thinking about hiking up Skinner's butte, so that I could take some pictures, but again, I'd have to pay for Derek to get out there.
I'm still feeling guilty about the fair. We could've done so much more, he could've gone on more rides, we could've bought random crap if only I was a better provider for him. That's what really stings. Feeling like I'm doing the best I can and it's nowhere near "good enough" or "fun enough".
I hear about how when he visits his dad, he can do this or that. And they go here and there and I just don't understand how they have enough money for all that.
I guess it's pretty simple. My college degree did shit for me, while he went out and got a manual labor job that is making him a ton of money....somehow it doesn't seem fair.
Of course, I don't know the whole story. Perhaps they save money better...perhaps her parents give them money....they do have two incomes as far as I know..
But...if we had two incomes, then I'd have to pay for day care. =(
Sometimes I just think..if only. If only I could not sleep...then I could work at night too. And I wouldn't miss Derek cause he'd be asleep anyhow.
It's just a lot to shoulder. Which I'm sure all you adults know.
Funny enough, I never seemed to worry this much about money when I had none. I suppose it helped that Section 8 paid all the rent. I never had to worry about it being late.
I'm sorry, I'm just stressed and trying to get it all out. I do feel better, having "analyzed" myself and talked it out.
Cause when it comes down to it, all that is gonna happen is only what I can do. I can only do what I can do. Me..one person.
I'll make it work. Hopefully, I'll be caught up in time for Derek's birthday when I will fall behind again, in a vain attempt to make his day "fun". Which means hemorrhaging cash. Anything FUN to him is something that costs money.
I'm raising a materialistic little kid. And I'm not sure how to stop. I'm a little materialistic, but I know you can have fun without money. Or with a little money.
You know..not having enough money to do laundry and picking through all your clothes in an attempt to find the least dirty, smelliest thing will make you REALLY appreciative of money. But I can't do that to Derek. I can't just stop providing in an attempt to make him more appreciative. =(
At least I am a better provider than my parents were. Derek has his own room..while we put 4 kids in one bedroom with ONE bed. 7 people in a two bedroom. =(
Dinner bought nightly, and mostly it was hamburger helper. I still loathe that stuff.
I hardly ever buy it, except in a pinch. And then I eat the bare minimum I can.
I'm bitter, I know. It just seemed like they had money for beer, or money for coke (not the kind in a can), but not enough to get laundry done? I mean..some people who were poor can at least say their parents did all they could. My parents did not.
(Look at that, I've managed to turn around my sadness and guilt into being pissed at my parents. I'm not even sure how that happened, but again, my own emotions are trying to save me. Trying to justify my stupidity in spending money I don't have. At least I'm BETTER than them...blah, blah, blah.)
Again, I'm rambling and this has become like three posts. But at least no one can say I'm not posting enough. This should take a good long time to read.
Comments
What a fucking psycho.
You can "lock" your posts so only certain people can read them, if you're worried about criticism.
But maybe getting what you perceive as criticism regularly, and coming to understand it's merely critique or just people making an offhand comment might be helpful?
Blogging always winds down int he summer :)
Locking? I don't know how to do that. At least not with Blogger, I know you can with LJ, but I'm still not completely swayed from Blogger.
For the most part, getting comments is nice, even if it is "criticism".
Any comment here, I can deal with. Besides Jay's comments, which are just meant to be hurtful, not helpful.
I'm hoping that's all it is. If blogging dies, I am gonna have way too much time on my hands.