Shake you off
Do you know what I find hilarious?
As I get older, and I manage to run into people who I used to have crushes on, I finally get to the point where I am like...wtf? What did I see in that person?
Which makes me happy. Endless crushes do not. Most crushes were unrequited (as they tend to be). Though most I managed to at least sleep with. Stupid me, as a teenager, I thought...well, if we sleep together, than I MEAN something.
Yes, laughable. But perfectly understandable for a hormonal teenager.
Jake is the funniest of all. We went out for like a week, and then I dated 2 other people (slept with a few more..I was a slut), and still I was like...I really kinda like him. Which was STUPID. Seeing as how he'd cheated on me with Erycka when we first went out.
And perhaps I felt somewhat vindicated being the dumper later on. But I didn't go into the relationship thinking that, I was just like...OMG! I finally get to be with this person that I've been thinking about for SO long.
None of my crushes, unrequited or otherwise, really worked out the way I wanted them too. Besides Jake...though...I mean....it's not like I wanted us to break up and not be together. That's just what happened. It was good for awhile. We just had such different ideas on things. Like raising kids, which is a BIG one. We still have to jointly raise Derek, but Derek knows there are certain things he gets away with at his dad's that he won't when he gets back.
The other day he confided in me over the phone about why the baby was being loud. "She's pissed."
Yes, I thought I heard him wrong. I asked him to repeat that and firmly told him that he better not say that at my house.
And vice versa. Jake is probably more strict with other things than I am.
It's just funny now to look at the same people who I used to "worship" (maybe that's too strong of a word) and start wondering what the hell I thought then. Why did I think they were that cute? Was it personality? Perhaps the personality is different now. Perhaps the personality was different right after I slept with them. I notice that sometimes men are different once they've managed to get in your pants (to be completely vulgar).
Which sucks. I don't treat them any differently. I don't know why they must treat me differently.
Even when I slept with a crush and they weren't even that good, I'd still be attracted. I'd be like...wow. They totally like me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I didn't know then that men can sleep with someone they don't care about at all.
I suppose to be completely fair, woman can probably do the same thing. I don't. There has to be at least some feelings on my part.
It amazes me that people can do that. But perhaps it's something that would have come with age, and I won't ever have to worry about it.
Ben crushed on me for years. I knew in the beginning, but I thought he was probably just a flirt and kidding a little. I didn't know in the middle. I thought that having a real live kid would manage to get him over it. But it didn't. And it took me SO long to realize it. That's the funny thing. He just made some comment one day and I was like...ok. He still likes me.
I didn't know what to think. I mean, he was my FRIEND. Not someone I'd thought of that way. Even though he sought my company out more than he did Jake's towards the end...or the beginning of our relationship...not sure how to word that.
I guess...the end of us not being together?
See, I was one of THOSE people. The people who manage to want people who don't necessarily want them. Besides for some bed warming. Even when I knew he liked me, I was like....well. Gosh...why would I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me?
Ok, I didn't think of it like that exactly. But that's often the way it worked.
Then one night, he kept asking to sleep in my bed, instead of the couch and I was like...you know what? I don't want to sleep alone tonight AGAIN. I'd been through some crap and managed to get to the point where I was just like...I hate relationships and at the VERY LEAST, I was gonna be a lesbian. Cause Men were stupid. =)
It's funny how when you aren't looking, sometimes you get exactly what you need.
And the rest, as they say, is history. We didn't do anything that night, I even wore pajamas. I was determined not to just sleep with people when I wanted anymore. Cause that's all Derek needed, right? This "uncle" and that "uncle". No way. I woke up to having my back rubbed, which was quite awesome. My best judgments fly out the window in the morning. We mighta made out a little. (shh, don't tell anyone) =) But nothing more at that point.
Then a BUNCH of emails were exchanged back and forth. Sweet wonderful emails.
Finally, I managed to clear my head enough to realize...HEY! This guy REALLY likes you. This guy REALLY wants to be with you. So what if you haven't thought of him that way. The first time we kissed, I was like...this is Ben. Weird. I've since gotten used to it, as people will attest.
And do you know that knowing someone before you get "with" them makes everything a lot easier and just works really well for me? We had times in the first couple of years where I was insecure (picking guys who don't like me as much as I like them does that to you.) and sure that he was just gonna give up cause I was too crazy. Now I know better. If dealing with my kid, picking him up from school everyday, playing games with him, and just generally being a "daddy" hasn't chased him away, then I don't know what will. Which is about as secure as I've been in my life. I am finally sure (pretty sure, I still have days) that he's not just gonna run away when he sees how weird I am. Perhaps I am feeling all lovey dovey (which is why you get this glowy, full of love post) right now, because things are ALWAYS easier without the kid. We have completely uninterrupted time together and there isn't any tension in the house.
Whatever the case may be, I was in the shower last night and I just started thinking about how I used to have such big and stupid crushes. They were so intense! I thought. I was just like....BUT I LOVE THEM. When I didn't even know what that meant.
Plus, I've REALLY wanted to use those lyrics up there (the title). I am a bit of a Mariah Carey fan. I know, I'm a dork. But I LOVE that song.
I gotta shake you off,
cause the lovin' ain't the same and you keep on playing games,
like you know I'm here to stay.
Gotta make that move for somebody who appreciates all the love I give boy.
Gotta do what's best for me, baby and that's means I gotta
Shake you off.
It wasn't worth my time, so I'm leaving you behind,
Cause I need a real love in my life.
Save this recording because, I'm never coming back home.
Baby, I'm gone.
And that just seems to fit the post.
As I get older, and I manage to run into people who I used to have crushes on, I finally get to the point where I am like...wtf? What did I see in that person?
Which makes me happy. Endless crushes do not. Most crushes were unrequited (as they tend to be). Though most I managed to at least sleep with. Stupid me, as a teenager, I thought...well, if we sleep together, than I MEAN something.
Yes, laughable. But perfectly understandable for a hormonal teenager.
Jake is the funniest of all. We went out for like a week, and then I dated 2 other people (slept with a few more..I was a slut), and still I was like...I really kinda like him. Which was STUPID. Seeing as how he'd cheated on me with Erycka when we first went out.
And perhaps I felt somewhat vindicated being the dumper later on. But I didn't go into the relationship thinking that, I was just like...OMG! I finally get to be with this person that I've been thinking about for SO long.
None of my crushes, unrequited or otherwise, really worked out the way I wanted them too. Besides Jake...though...I mean....it's not like I wanted us to break up and not be together. That's just what happened. It was good for awhile. We just had such different ideas on things. Like raising kids, which is a BIG one. We still have to jointly raise Derek, but Derek knows there are certain things he gets away with at his dad's that he won't when he gets back.
The other day he confided in me over the phone about why the baby was being loud. "She's pissed."
Yes, I thought I heard him wrong. I asked him to repeat that and firmly told him that he better not say that at my house.
And vice versa. Jake is probably more strict with other things than I am.
It's just funny now to look at the same people who I used to "worship" (maybe that's too strong of a word) and start wondering what the hell I thought then. Why did I think they were that cute? Was it personality? Perhaps the personality is different now. Perhaps the personality was different right after I slept with them. I notice that sometimes men are different once they've managed to get in your pants (to be completely vulgar).
Which sucks. I don't treat them any differently. I don't know why they must treat me differently.
Even when I slept with a crush and they weren't even that good, I'd still be attracted. I'd be like...wow. They totally like me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I didn't know then that men can sleep with someone they don't care about at all.
I suppose to be completely fair, woman can probably do the same thing. I don't. There has to be at least some feelings on my part.
It amazes me that people can do that. But perhaps it's something that would have come with age, and I won't ever have to worry about it.
Ben crushed on me for years. I knew in the beginning, but I thought he was probably just a flirt and kidding a little. I didn't know in the middle. I thought that having a real live kid would manage to get him over it. But it didn't. And it took me SO long to realize it. That's the funny thing. He just made some comment one day and I was like...ok. He still likes me.
I didn't know what to think. I mean, he was my FRIEND. Not someone I'd thought of that way. Even though he sought my company out more than he did Jake's towards the end...or the beginning of our relationship...not sure how to word that.
I guess...the end of us not being together?
See, I was one of THOSE people. The people who manage to want people who don't necessarily want them. Besides for some bed warming. Even when I knew he liked me, I was like....well. Gosh...why would I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me?
Ok, I didn't think of it like that exactly. But that's often the way it worked.
Then one night, he kept asking to sleep in my bed, instead of the couch and I was like...you know what? I don't want to sleep alone tonight AGAIN. I'd been through some crap and managed to get to the point where I was just like...I hate relationships and at the VERY LEAST, I was gonna be a lesbian. Cause Men were stupid. =)
It's funny how when you aren't looking, sometimes you get exactly what you need.
And the rest, as they say, is history. We didn't do anything that night, I even wore pajamas. I was determined not to just sleep with people when I wanted anymore. Cause that's all Derek needed, right? This "uncle" and that "uncle". No way. I woke up to having my back rubbed, which was quite awesome. My best judgments fly out the window in the morning. We mighta made out a little. (shh, don't tell anyone) =) But nothing more at that point.
Then a BUNCH of emails were exchanged back and forth. Sweet wonderful emails.
Finally, I managed to clear my head enough to realize...HEY! This guy REALLY likes you. This guy REALLY wants to be with you. So what if you haven't thought of him that way. The first time we kissed, I was like...this is Ben. Weird. I've since gotten used to it, as people will attest.
And do you know that knowing someone before you get "with" them makes everything a lot easier and just works really well for me? We had times in the first couple of years where I was insecure (picking guys who don't like me as much as I like them does that to you.) and sure that he was just gonna give up cause I was too crazy. Now I know better. If dealing with my kid, picking him up from school everyday, playing games with him, and just generally being a "daddy" hasn't chased him away, then I don't know what will. Which is about as secure as I've been in my life. I am finally sure (pretty sure, I still have days) that he's not just gonna run away when he sees how weird I am. Perhaps I am feeling all lovey dovey (which is why you get this glowy, full of love post) right now, because things are ALWAYS easier without the kid. We have completely uninterrupted time together and there isn't any tension in the house.
Whatever the case may be, I was in the shower last night and I just started thinking about how I used to have such big and stupid crushes. They were so intense! I thought. I was just like....BUT I LOVE THEM. When I didn't even know what that meant.
Plus, I've REALLY wanted to use those lyrics up there (the title). I am a bit of a Mariah Carey fan. I know, I'm a dork. But I LOVE that song.
I gotta shake you off,
cause the lovin' ain't the same and you keep on playing games,
like you know I'm here to stay.
Gotta make that move for somebody who appreciates all the love I give boy.
Gotta do what's best for me, baby and that's means I gotta
Shake you off.
It wasn't worth my time, so I'm leaving you behind,
Cause I need a real love in my life.
Save this recording because, I'm never coming back home.
Baby, I'm gone.
And that just seems to fit the post.
Comments
I like sex. LURRRRV sex. People? Meh. Not so much.
It's ironic how little I like to be touched. I guess touching-with-purpose is okay though *snick*
I see where you're coming from about needing the emotional connectivity though, I really do. Hubby's like that, and I've worked really hard to understand and learn how to "make love" versus "fucking like wild animals."
You're so amazing, I don't see how nobody's snatched you up yet.
Never needed an emotional attachment to be able to enjoy physical pleasure. I think it's almost more of a rush if you aren't emotional about it, because you don't know the person that well there's a tension between you, a need to find out what it's like.
I still get that rush sometimes. I know what to expect from Mags, but I still get the rush. It's different tho, the rush comes from knowing what to expect and just not knowing when to expect it. Like when he breathes in my ear while I'm cooking. It's like BAM! then a loooooong wait till I am rewarded. Cuz we can't exactly go at it while i'm making dinner and the kid is sitting in the living room. I guess it's all about the antici-----------pation.
Perhaps they picked up on it and my pride is just HOPING they didn't.
I can't really call it making love. I never have. I don't like it when people try and stare in my eyes during and I tend to just close my eyes and throw my head back, usually making noise. I've just gotten to the point where I can look at Ben and not feel threatened. Something about being able to see your soul or something?
I don't know that it bothers him, he's never mentioned it, but it's just too intimate. I think I like it from behind more just for this reason.
Wow, that was kinda dirty.
I'm kinda snatched. Just not "officially". Boys put a lot of stock in how people look. Fat girls, even if they are amazing, don't really get a whole lotta guys who are like wow. Perhaps if I had a more marriage minded one, I would be "taken".
Ariel - I've slept with maybe two people who I didn't know well and I learned more about them afterwards. I am too afraid of being naked. Or I used to be. I was like...OMG, I 180, I have a tummy, I can't be naked. Stupid, but true.
Anticipation is good. I always think about it during the day and then I get home and wait until I'm EXHUASTED and go to bed and then I'm like...no. I'm sleepy. =)
I've been working on that. God knows when it could be the last time. Things happen. Live everyday to the fullest and all that.