I'm not waiting around for a man to save me.

You know, something's been playing at the edge of my mind FOREVER.
When we had dinner with Ben's dad, he went on and on about this girl who is living there. She's so pretty, she's so smart, blah, blah, blah.
I gather that she is helping him and it's great that he isn't alone in that big house, but...
I don't know.
It almost felt like each time, it was a little slight. Maybe I'm not YOUR idea of pretty, maybe I'm not CONVENTIONALLY pretty, but I AM DAMN SMART.
And don't get me wrong, I don't even KNOW this girl, but living with your jailbird husband's ex-step-father doesn't sound like she is very smart.
I mean...I am smart and capable. I can take care of my shit, I have NEVER had to move back in with my parents as my parents did a few times.

So BECAUSE I am capable, I am not as good?
That's kinda what it feels like .
It's like that whole thing where men want a woman to rescue. It's no wonder I'm not married, I wouldn't let a man rescue me if I was drowning.
OK maybe.
I've learned to lean on Ben a little more, bit by bit.
He is just as capable and often far more rational.

I just....I mean..even now there are some things I can't ask him for.
I don't want to worry about money so I just shove it out of my head. I pay the landlord late occasionally and for the most part, I am good with my money.

I really kinda screwed myself this weekend. It was hot, neither one of us wanted to cook. I bought dinner for a couple of nights and a new fan, and other bull crap. All with the pretense of needing it, which we do, but I really wanted the air conditioning.
And I'm WORRIED. Big surprise, I know.
Today it's just all been too much. I've been ready to cry a few times. I can't take it when I can't even buy a snack.
People are being exceptionally snarky, seeing as how we are all busy and stressed.
Which doesn't help.

I'm used to being behind when I get my paycheck at the beginning of the month and having to use some of it to cover that rest of the rent. We both get money then, so it's not such a big deal. There is always enough that first paycheck.
Except I've never been over a hundred short. That's a lot of money to use out of my next paycheck and it will more than likely just mean some other bill will be paid later. =(
And just borrowing from each paycheck isn't gonna help. At some point, I'll be REALLY screwed. It usually happens right after Christmas. Thank god tax returns come shortly after that. I just don't know how to make MORE money. And we hardly spend any on anything besides bills and food.
It's like...I could try and get more money outta Jake and then he'll just be more pissed.
And other than that...it's like...hmmm. Could I get a second job and somehow be able to still SEE MY KID a little? And it doesn't really matter that much. As my income goes up, so do all my bills that are based on that income.
It's making me feel sick to my stomach. So I'm gonna stop now, cause typing it out isn't helping like it does usually. =(