"I believe I can fly"
That song sucks.
But I needed something that had "believe" in it.
See, I BELIEVE that the reason I am losing my (figurative) shit all over the place over this court thing is because I've become too used to people being able to help me.
It's a good thing, but it makes me worry that I've become too dependent on others. If I've learned nothing else in my life, it's that you can really only depend on yourself.
At least that's what I learned from my family, what I've learned from friends is that they will help you if they can. They will bend over backwards to help you, even if your own mother can not send you some pictures of your grandmother.
Pictures only.
I don't ask her for any money, even though she did just buy a house.
I don't ask her for anything. My own mother. The same person who was too busy stuffing her nose full of coke to do laundry. To even be able to PAY to do laundry. How many times did I sort through my dirty clothes, hoping to find SOMETHING that didn't smell too dirty?
The same woman who raised her children in houses full of cockroaches. Perhaps we even carried them from place to place with us. Most likely.
I'm dwelling today. I had a brief moment at the top of the stairs when I thought, perhaps I will fall down them. I could almost imagine it for a second and I wondered if I would be knocked unconscious, or if I'd just lie there in pain. Would I break any bones? It seems unlikely with the layer of fat I got going on.
At this point, I think I'm just hoping that something will happen to me so that I don't have to think anymore. "Crazy thoughts have quick wings" should be my theme song lyric.
Most people in my predicament would be asking their parents and whoever for some support. Even just some questions, in case they had some life experience to share. Most people I know rely on their parents for help when life gets rough.
I've been living on my own (meaning without parental guidance) exclusively since I was 16, and I even slept outside when I was only 15, why should this court case scare me? It won't kill me.
I never worried this much about money when I didn't have any.
OMG! Epiphany. This scares me more than sleeping outside by myself because I have a kid now. Duh!
I have to provide for him, and they are trying to take me money from me.
I go from angry (which is so much better than this depression, or even this dullness) to crying in mere seconds.
I want the whole damn thing to be over with.
Do you know what the best part of all this is?
All the people at the court house are so nice. Every time I go in there, they take great pains to make sure I understand how to fill out the forms and everything.
And I always go in feeling like they are going to spit on me, since I'm obviously taking advantage of this "poor" credit company.
But they never do. I hope they don't think I'm the stupidest person ever to be doing this.
What's done is done, can't be undone.
Perhaps I am stupid. I can't go back in time and take a different route now, so I wish my brain would just stop worrying about it, nudging it like a sore tooth my tongue won't stop touching.
To add to all my happiness, I have a hard, very painful bump on my ass. It hurts to sit. I know most people don't want to know that. I know most people would tell me to go to the doctor, but I don't have the money to be able to. My skin has betrayed me once again. So I'm bitching here, no need for people to tell me why I have a bump, pretty sure it's stress. I just want to not think right now. Probably the reason that I've been going home and going to bed so early. Can't think while sleeping. Except for dreams, but they haven't centered around court or anything like it, just around my co-workers, which is weird.
But I needed something that had "believe" in it.
See, I BELIEVE that the reason I am losing my (figurative) shit all over the place over this court thing is because I've become too used to people being able to help me.
It's a good thing, but it makes me worry that I've become too dependent on others. If I've learned nothing else in my life, it's that you can really only depend on yourself.
At least that's what I learned from my family, what I've learned from friends is that they will help you if they can. They will bend over backwards to help you, even if your own mother can not send you some pictures of your grandmother.
Pictures only.
I don't ask her for any money, even though she did just buy a house.
I don't ask her for anything. My own mother. The same person who was too busy stuffing her nose full of coke to do laundry. To even be able to PAY to do laundry. How many times did I sort through my dirty clothes, hoping to find SOMETHING that didn't smell too dirty?
The same woman who raised her children in houses full of cockroaches. Perhaps we even carried them from place to place with us. Most likely.
I'm dwelling today. I had a brief moment at the top of the stairs when I thought, perhaps I will fall down them. I could almost imagine it for a second and I wondered if I would be knocked unconscious, or if I'd just lie there in pain. Would I break any bones? It seems unlikely with the layer of fat I got going on.
At this point, I think I'm just hoping that something will happen to me so that I don't have to think anymore. "Crazy thoughts have quick wings" should be my theme song lyric.
Most people in my predicament would be asking their parents and whoever for some support. Even just some questions, in case they had some life experience to share. Most people I know rely on their parents for help when life gets rough.
I've been living on my own (meaning without parental guidance) exclusively since I was 16, and I even slept outside when I was only 15, why should this court case scare me? It won't kill me.
I never worried this much about money when I didn't have any.
OMG! Epiphany. This scares me more than sleeping outside by myself because I have a kid now. Duh!
I have to provide for him, and they are trying to take me money from me.
I go from angry (which is so much better than this depression, or even this dullness) to crying in mere seconds.
I want the whole damn thing to be over with.
Do you know what the best part of all this is?
All the people at the court house are so nice. Every time I go in there, they take great pains to make sure I understand how to fill out the forms and everything.
And I always go in feeling like they are going to spit on me, since I'm obviously taking advantage of this "poor" credit company.
But they never do. I hope they don't think I'm the stupidest person ever to be doing this.
What's done is done, can't be undone.
Perhaps I am stupid. I can't go back in time and take a different route now, so I wish my brain would just stop worrying about it, nudging it like a sore tooth my tongue won't stop touching.
To add to all my happiness, I have a hard, very painful bump on my ass. It hurts to sit. I know most people don't want to know that. I know most people would tell me to go to the doctor, but I don't have the money to be able to. My skin has betrayed me once again. So I'm bitching here, no need for people to tell me why I have a bump, pretty sure it's stress. I just want to not think right now. Probably the reason that I've been going home and going to bed so early. Can't think while sleeping. Except for dreams, but they haven't centered around court or anything like it, just around my co-workers, which is weird.
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