"So I'll cash my checks and place my bets, and hope I'll always win"
I don't know if I have to be stressed before the holidays so that I can be less stressed later or what.
Last year I bought Ben the iPod. Little can be better than that.
I have no idea what to get him. I have no idea what I can afford. This last check was nice, for about two seconds. Then the reality hit and I had to pay SUB who I had delayed in favor of Derek's birthday, and the trash bill. Add rent to that, and I'm pretty much poor.
Less than poor actually, but I always make it work. It just means that I'll have to borrow from the next check. Which is what really sucks, cause that's my holiday money. I don't know how people can afford to have more than one child.
I don't know what to get Derek either, I can only charge so much to my store account before it comes back to bite me in the ass.
Strangely, Fingerhut is offering me credit. It's so tempting, but I'm pretty sure that they would not approve me if I tried. I believe I still owe them money.
Credit is bad, m'kay?
So, I'm pre-emptively freaking out for the holidays. HURRAY. My dad has already warned me that he will not be sending me a Christmas present (ie, money) this year. Still going the grandkids, but not the kids this year. He just had surgery, so I guess money is tight. I'm glad he warned me, but it's making me more stressed.
Ben's mom called me today at work and wanted to take Derek to a movie for a belated birthday present. She thought his birthday was the 29th. We talked for a bit, going over my movie preferences, and this and that. When she was winding up, I think she said thank you or something, and so I said it back. This opened up a can of worms. She was like..well, he is the closest thing I have to a grandkid, or may ever have. I think Ben's mom is awesome, but I can't do this with her. I can't do this with anyone. I wanted a baby for a long time, I've finally decided it's not going to be worth it and that I can't make Ben WANT a baby, I can't have someone hoping that we'll change our mind. (My boss had a dream that I had another kid, and it was Ben's kid...this coming on my miscarriage dream the other day is kind of freaking me out, and I'm debating buying a pregnancy test)
And I can't be like..well, your son hates babies. I just told her that he (Derek) appreciates all the grandparents very much. (in our weird blended family)
I understand. Ben is what she has. I mean, Juliet is here, but not. She can't very well have babies in prison and she will not be out for a long time. So Ben is who she has to hang her hopes on. Being a mom, I understand.
It still has the potential to make me hugely uncomfortable. That and the marriage question. My defensive side wants to be like..well, it's worked out really well for all our parents, so of course we should be married. All 4 of them divorced at least once. =(
Doesn't give me much hope. I love Ben, I think he is awesome, he's probably the smartest boyfriend I've ever had and I think that's sexy, but what if we get sick of each other one day?
Meh. I hate contemplation.
The court case.
That's really all I want to write, but I need to get it out. It's weighing heavily on my mind, pretty sure I've slept like crap for so many days because of it. And I may be getting sick, which I'm also pretty unhappy about.
I've gotten a letter from the courthouse. A couple actually. The first one gave me the option of choosing an "arbitrator"...one is just as good to me as the other, so I didn't send that back to them. Then I got a letter dated Derek's birthday (hurray!) that says that they will be scheduling a court date.
Here's where I start freaking out. I've been given too much time to think it over and I still don't know what to do. The paper said that according to blah, blah, blah, they have to set a court date within 11 months of the initial filing date. So, it's not likely to be a big rush to set the date.
This may give me further options.
I have so many questions though. Like, are they even going to waste their time? What if they don't even show up in court? I could win and not have had to do anything.
But what if instead they decide that it's totally worth the 3000.00 they want to take it to court?
I guess I was hoping that the letter I sent them would call them off. They would never contact me again, I was hoping. Each time I get a letter from the court, my freaked out ness goes up a little more.
Is the company just stupid and hasn't seen everything I've sent them yet?
Every time I start freaking out more, I just remember that there was NOTHING ELSE I COULD DO. I can't afford to be garnished and I couldn't just let them win.
What I need to do is get my ass down to Legal Aid and hope they will help me.
I have Friday off for working this Saturday, so I was thinking about doing it then, but you have to go wait for a couple hours at least to be seen by them and now I know that Derek doesn't have school on Friday, so maybe not.
My options if this drags on for months? (long enough to get tax returns)
1. Declare bankruptcy. Basically fan my nose in their face, pay someone a large enough amount that I could have paid off the damn computer, but not pay Sears or their companies on principal. This sucks in that I only have this one huge debt left, and if I could win the court case, I wouldn't have to have a bankruptcy on my already bad credit record. (I think I'm so worried because I've gotten off so lightly from the other stupidities. Their statute of limitations on the debt has come and gone for most of my dumb credit things. It makes sense that I've been getting less and less letters, I had just thought they may have lost myscentaddress. It FEELS like I have to lose at some point. This is all such a gamble.)
2. Go for broke. Maybe literally. I guess a lot of this depends on if I can at least get some advice from Legal Aid if not a lawyer. Maybe they won't really have a case, and it was all just a scare tactic to try and get money from me.
3. Quit my job. No money = no garnishment.
Ha about number 3. Like I can do that. Maybe if I had a sugar daddy, but I can dream anyhow, right?
I find myself sometimes wondering if I could get an extended leave of absence though. Maybe that would be enough. LOL.
I'm trying to have a sense of humor. It gets harder and harder. I'm stressed about cash, stressed about the holiday, stressed about the court case.
I can't afford to spend money, so I can't treat myself, can't go out and I get more and more sad. I miss seeing friends.
I've been ignoring my email even. My hotmail account hasn't been looked at in about a month. My gmail account, I maybe look at once a week.
I check myspace, I check LJ, I check a few blogs, and then I don't even blog.
It's like I'm licking my wounds, hibernating.
Used to be I could call Ariel and she would appear, as if magically, and just hang out for the night and I would get friend time at a fairly cheap money cost. But everyone grows up and gets a family and gone are the sleep over days.
So I guess the whole point of this blog?
I'm living, but barely smiling. Tara pointed that out this morning. It's hard to smile when I'm so freaked out. I'm scattered, I'm irritated, I'm still itchy, and I'm in a panic.
What I'm going to do about it? Make some time to go to Legal Aid, try not to lose my mind, and listen to my music. Music and books can be my friends when I am too poor to visit with friends. They've been my friends for a long, long time.
I have a blog post rattling around about my music too. If I want to give the MySpacers something bland, boring, and censored as hell, I better get on it. I will not be posting this there, obviously. Though Corinna had some insight, so I shared with her.
Last year I bought Ben the iPod. Little can be better than that.
I have no idea what to get him. I have no idea what I can afford. This last check was nice, for about two seconds. Then the reality hit and I had to pay SUB who I had delayed in favor of Derek's birthday, and the trash bill. Add rent to that, and I'm pretty much poor.
Less than poor actually, but I always make it work. It just means that I'll have to borrow from the next check. Which is what really sucks, cause that's my holiday money. I don't know how people can afford to have more than one child.
I don't know what to get Derek either, I can only charge so much to my store account before it comes back to bite me in the ass.
Strangely, Fingerhut is offering me credit. It's so tempting, but I'm pretty sure that they would not approve me if I tried. I believe I still owe them money.
Credit is bad, m'kay?
So, I'm pre-emptively freaking out for the holidays. HURRAY. My dad has already warned me that he will not be sending me a Christmas present (ie, money) this year. Still going the grandkids, but not the kids this year. He just had surgery, so I guess money is tight. I'm glad he warned me, but it's making me more stressed.
Ben's mom called me today at work and wanted to take Derek to a movie for a belated birthday present. She thought his birthday was the 29th. We talked for a bit, going over my movie preferences, and this and that. When she was winding up, I think she said thank you or something, and so I said it back. This opened up a can of worms. She was like..well, he is the closest thing I have to a grandkid, or may ever have. I think Ben's mom is awesome, but I can't do this with her. I can't do this with anyone. I wanted a baby for a long time, I've finally decided it's not going to be worth it and that I can't make Ben WANT a baby, I can't have someone hoping that we'll change our mind. (My boss had a dream that I had another kid, and it was Ben's kid...this coming on my miscarriage dream the other day is kind of freaking me out, and I'm debating buying a pregnancy test)
And I can't be like..well, your son hates babies. I just told her that he (Derek) appreciates all the grandparents very much. (in our weird blended family)
I understand. Ben is what she has. I mean, Juliet is here, but not. She can't very well have babies in prison and she will not be out for a long time. So Ben is who she has to hang her hopes on. Being a mom, I understand.
It still has the potential to make me hugely uncomfortable. That and the marriage question. My defensive side wants to be like..well, it's worked out really well for all our parents, so of course we should be married. All 4 of them divorced at least once. =(
Doesn't give me much hope. I love Ben, I think he is awesome, he's probably the smartest boyfriend I've ever had and I think that's sexy, but what if we get sick of each other one day?
Meh. I hate contemplation.
The court case.
That's really all I want to write, but I need to get it out. It's weighing heavily on my mind, pretty sure I've slept like crap for so many days because of it. And I may be getting sick, which I'm also pretty unhappy about.
I've gotten a letter from the courthouse. A couple actually. The first one gave me the option of choosing an "arbitrator"...one is just as good to me as the other, so I didn't send that back to them. Then I got a letter dated Derek's birthday (hurray!) that says that they will be scheduling a court date.
Here's where I start freaking out. I've been given too much time to think it over and I still don't know what to do. The paper said that according to blah, blah, blah, they have to set a court date within 11 months of the initial filing date. So, it's not likely to be a big rush to set the date.
This may give me further options.
I have so many questions though. Like, are they even going to waste their time? What if they don't even show up in court? I could win and not have had to do anything.
But what if instead they decide that it's totally worth the 3000.00 they want to take it to court?
I guess I was hoping that the letter I sent them would call them off. They would never contact me again, I was hoping. Each time I get a letter from the court, my freaked out ness goes up a little more.
Is the company just stupid and hasn't seen everything I've sent them yet?
Every time I start freaking out more, I just remember that there was NOTHING ELSE I COULD DO. I can't afford to be garnished and I couldn't just let them win.
What I need to do is get my ass down to Legal Aid and hope they will help me.
I have Friday off for working this Saturday, so I was thinking about doing it then, but you have to go wait for a couple hours at least to be seen by them and now I know that Derek doesn't have school on Friday, so maybe not.
My options if this drags on for months? (long enough to get tax returns)
1. Declare bankruptcy. Basically fan my nose in their face, pay someone a large enough amount that I could have paid off the damn computer, but not pay Sears or their companies on principal. This sucks in that I only have this one huge debt left, and if I could win the court case, I wouldn't have to have a bankruptcy on my already bad credit record. (I think I'm so worried because I've gotten off so lightly from the other stupidities. Their statute of limitations on the debt has come and gone for most of my dumb credit things. It makes sense that I've been getting less and less letters, I had just thought they may have lost my
2. Go for broke. Maybe literally. I guess a lot of this depends on if I can at least get some advice from Legal Aid if not a lawyer. Maybe they won't really have a case, and it was all just a scare tactic to try and get money from me.
3. Quit my job. No money = no garnishment.
Ha about number 3. Like I can do that. Maybe if I had a sugar daddy, but I can dream anyhow, right?
I find myself sometimes wondering if I could get an extended leave of absence though. Maybe that would be enough. LOL.
I'm trying to have a sense of humor. It gets harder and harder. I'm stressed about cash, stressed about the holiday, stressed about the court case.
I can't afford to spend money, so I can't treat myself, can't go out and I get more and more sad. I miss seeing friends.
I've been ignoring my email even. My hotmail account hasn't been looked at in about a month. My gmail account, I maybe look at once a week.
I check myspace, I check LJ, I check a few blogs, and then I don't even blog.
It's like I'm licking my wounds, hibernating.
Used to be I could call Ariel and she would appear, as if magically, and just hang out for the night and I would get friend time at a fairly cheap money cost. But everyone grows up and gets a family and gone are the sleep over days.
So I guess the whole point of this blog?
I'm living, but barely smiling. Tara pointed that out this morning. It's hard to smile when I'm so freaked out. I'm scattered, I'm irritated, I'm still itchy, and I'm in a panic.
What I'm going to do about it? Make some time to go to Legal Aid, try not to lose my mind, and listen to my music. Music and books can be my friends when I am too poor to visit with friends. They've been my friends for a long, long time.
I have a blog post rattling around about my music too. If I want to give the MySpacers something bland, boring, and censored as hell, I better get on it. I will not be posting this there, obviously. Though Corinna had some insight, so I shared with her.
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