Something, somewhere that you said, goes richochet all through my head..
I'm prone to flights of fancy. Have been since about, well since forever.
Whenever I start to feel unappreciated, instead I think, well maybe I will die tomorrow, some horrible death and then they will miss me and understand and appreciate me more.
It's not to the extent that I would make it happen (dying), only that I think it will make others care about me. Like most things I do.
Ha.
Then I start to think things like...
1. If I die tomorrow, Ben would wish he had married me and he would miss me. (that's the biggest thing I got for him, LOL and really marriage becomes less and less of a safe haven for me)
2. If I die tomorrow, everyone at work would cry for a million days (I'm extreme, I know) and realize how awesome I really was.
3. If I die tomorrow, all my "friends" that haven't made time for me, haven't bothered to see me even would all of the sudden care about me and miss me.
Silly, I know. They probably wouldn't even notice. Much like I didn't know about my friend Barcode Jeff until Quentin told me. Heroin overdose, many years ago. Makes me sad, he was always so nice and not someone I would have pegged for a heroin addict.
4. If I die tomorrow, my mom will wish she had made more time for me. That's just the saddest of all. How would she even know?
Someone recently asked how awful you'd have to be for your parents to not even want to help you out anymore. Just something said in general, not at me or to me.
I don't know, how awful am I? It seems like that's my plight in life, so it must be me and not that they were sucky parents.
In all honesty, how does someone get to be that awful? Probably BAD PARENTING.
Maybe not, but probably.
They didn't teach me about surviving in life. I've picked up everything I know on my own. Do I know that I can pretty much overcome anything? Sure, but that doesn't help any when I am sitting there wondering why my own parents could care less about me.
Could my mom even help me out with my current problems? Probably not, but it would be nice if she would make an effort to care. I've stopped asking, as the pictures of Grandma I asked for more than a year ago have never got to me. If she can't even send pictures via email, how can she help me do anything else?
My dad? Has no clue about me, about my life, about being white trash. He would have no sympathy, even if I was never taught good money management. He would just tell me to deal with it.
It's times like these that I used to cut myself. Never enough to really scar, thank god, but enough to draw blood. Seeing blood seemed to calm me down. I read a book at LCC about cutting once and I could have been anyone in there.
Do I still do it? No, I have a kid, I can't be doing that or he'll be next in line.
If I didn't have a kid? Wouldn't surprise me if I would still cut myself.
To see the blood, to get the sympathy, to feel like someone really cared.
God, I suck this week.
This is what happens when you work 37 hours in 4 days and you are super pissed off about your work, and super stressed about a birthday party and potential for having your wages garnished for the rest of your life.
I can't quite let it go, I've tried, but I just keep freaking out. They can take 25 percent of your wages.
Bye bye any fun money, maybe bye bye internet, maybe even bye bye cable, and maybe even hey we get to eat macaroni most nights.
And no one else seems to understand because I'm so damn mired in my own miserableness that I can't see straight. I'm sure people understand, I'm not the first person to be sued.
Life could get really hard, really quick. And the more money I make, the more they'll garnish.
Please someone (not god, I have no faith in god), let me trying to beat them work. I couldn't do nothing, dammit. I can't let them win automatically.
That damn computer they sold me? Didn't even work for 2 full years. Within the first week, it had ate a friend's game and it broke the CD while being forcibly yanked out by tech repair.
The next time was my fault I think, but I had to take that thing in like....6 or 7 times in a 22 month period. At least 3 of those times was for the same problem, but they would send it back, saying it was "fixed" each time. I was a month behind on my payments and then I got the blue screen of death. They wouldn't let me bring it in, so what did I do? I stopped paying them.
I hate Sears. I hate money grubbing assholes from credit companies. I hate anyone who will issue credit to an 18 year old and then sell her a crappy computer.
Ariel's computer has lasted longer and I haven't had any problems with it yet.
I'm rambling now. My head hurts, I'm gonna go lick my imaginary wounds while I lay in bed and wait to get up and go to work for yet another day. HURRAY!
They have awesome post it notes in the Art dept that say "All this and a paycheck too", and I really kind of want them.
But I can't imagine it would go over well with certain people in the department.
Whenever I start to feel unappreciated, instead I think, well maybe I will die tomorrow, some horrible death and then they will miss me and understand and appreciate me more.
It's not to the extent that I would make it happen (dying), only that I think it will make others care about me. Like most things I do.
Ha.
Then I start to think things like...
1. If I die tomorrow, Ben would wish he had married me and he would miss me. (that's the biggest thing I got for him, LOL and really marriage becomes less and less of a safe haven for me)
2. If I die tomorrow, everyone at work would cry for a million days (I'm extreme, I know) and realize how awesome I really was.
3. If I die tomorrow, all my "friends" that haven't made time for me, haven't bothered to see me even would all of the sudden care about me and miss me.
Silly, I know. They probably wouldn't even notice. Much like I didn't know about my friend Barcode Jeff until Quentin told me. Heroin overdose, many years ago. Makes me sad, he was always so nice and not someone I would have pegged for a heroin addict.
4. If I die tomorrow, my mom will wish she had made more time for me. That's just the saddest of all. How would she even know?
Someone recently asked how awful you'd have to be for your parents to not even want to help you out anymore. Just something said in general, not at me or to me.
I don't know, how awful am I? It seems like that's my plight in life, so it must be me and not that they were sucky parents.
In all honesty, how does someone get to be that awful? Probably BAD PARENTING.
Maybe not, but probably.
They didn't teach me about surviving in life. I've picked up everything I know on my own. Do I know that I can pretty much overcome anything? Sure, but that doesn't help any when I am sitting there wondering why my own parents could care less about me.
Could my mom even help me out with my current problems? Probably not, but it would be nice if she would make an effort to care. I've stopped asking, as the pictures of Grandma I asked for more than a year ago have never got to me. If she can't even send pictures via email, how can she help me do anything else?
My dad? Has no clue about me, about my life, about being white trash. He would have no sympathy, even if I was never taught good money management. He would just tell me to deal with it.
It's times like these that I used to cut myself. Never enough to really scar, thank god, but enough to draw blood. Seeing blood seemed to calm me down. I read a book at LCC about cutting once and I could have been anyone in there.
Do I still do it? No, I have a kid, I can't be doing that or he'll be next in line.
If I didn't have a kid? Wouldn't surprise me if I would still cut myself.
To see the blood, to get the sympathy, to feel like someone really cared.
God, I suck this week.
This is what happens when you work 37 hours in 4 days and you are super pissed off about your work, and super stressed about a birthday party and potential for having your wages garnished for the rest of your life.
I can't quite let it go, I've tried, but I just keep freaking out. They can take 25 percent of your wages.
Bye bye any fun money, maybe bye bye internet, maybe even bye bye cable, and maybe even hey we get to eat macaroni most nights.
And no one else seems to understand because I'm so damn mired in my own miserableness that I can't see straight. I'm sure people understand, I'm not the first person to be sued.
Life could get really hard, really quick. And the more money I make, the more they'll garnish.
Please someone (not god, I have no faith in god), let me trying to beat them work. I couldn't do nothing, dammit. I can't let them win automatically.
That damn computer they sold me? Didn't even work for 2 full years. Within the first week, it had ate a friend's game and it broke the CD while being forcibly yanked out by tech repair.
The next time was my fault I think, but I had to take that thing in like....6 or 7 times in a 22 month period. At least 3 of those times was for the same problem, but they would send it back, saying it was "fixed" each time. I was a month behind on my payments and then I got the blue screen of death. They wouldn't let me bring it in, so what did I do? I stopped paying them.
I hate Sears. I hate money grubbing assholes from credit companies. I hate anyone who will issue credit to an 18 year old and then sell her a crappy computer.
Ariel's computer has lasted longer and I haven't had any problems with it yet.
I'm rambling now. My head hurts, I'm gonna go lick my imaginary wounds while I lay in bed and wait to get up and go to work for yet another day. HURRAY!
They have awesome post it notes in the Art dept that say "All this and a paycheck too", and I really kind of want them.
But I can't imagine it would go over well with certain people in the department.
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